


When Your Lover Has Gone

by official-squints (spinalcord)



Series: When Your Lover Has Gone [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Game Spoilers, Minor Canon Divergence - Fallout 4, Minor Character Death, Partners to Lovers, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, References to Depression, References to PTSD, References to eating disorders, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-11-09 22:19:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 132,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11114040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinalcord/pseuds/official-squints
Summary: After escaping from Vault 111 and her dead husband, Alex finds herself tracking a dangerous mercenary with nothing more than a pencil sketch from her memories, all to save the son she'd lost. In the process, she crosses paths with a different merc, one she has far more in common with than either of them had imagined, and they journey across the Commonwealth together in order to save two little boys from their illnesses. Though, in time, they each rediscover the value of a warm shoulder to lean on during even the darkest days in the wasteland.





	1. Cold Wind

‘Three days. No, maybe… maybe it had been four. Yeah, probably four days.’ She really couldn't remember, and the glowing date on her Pip-Boy didn't give her much of a clue even as her eyes bore into it through her curtain of dark hair. For all she knew, it could have been a couple weeks. The freezing air of the vault, then the awkward reunion with Codsworth, and clearing the abandoned neighborhood of overgrown pests kept her distracted at first as she tried to piece her life together. The days after her escape had been spent resting, crying, turning her new reality over in her head until she was certain it was all just a dream. Then she would wake up with a small start, staring blankly at the concrete ceiling of Nate’s bomb shelter, and immediately wonder why they hadn't just stayed put. It was large, sturdy, and well-stocked with supplies, and yet…

‘It was for the best.’

Pulling herself up from her hunched position on the edge of the bed, Alex crept into the workshop and scanned the concrete room for more supplies. Several black gun cases, a whole stack, caught her eye first and she drifted toward them with little more than a vague idea in her mind. Codsworth had mentioned something about Concord, that there were people there that may help her, although his descriptions of them were less than comforting. She would need a weapon, something that would make her seem a lot more vicious and domineering than she really was. Nate’s old weapons were perfect for that, even if she would rather leave them behind. 

A little smirk, the first bit of positivity she’d felt in days, spread on her lips as she clicked open one of the hard, heavy cases and drummed her fingers over the military-issue sniper rifle inside. It seemed to carry the perfect mix of safety and intimidation she was looking for. Piece by piece, she carefully assembled it on the bench and then stepped toward a shelf full of ammunition boxes, selecting a few dozen rounds. She stacked the thin cardboard boxes on the bench and turned on her heel to the lockers, filled to the brim with fatigues. After a bit of digging, Alex turned up a blackened set of armor that seemed suitable, though not particularly fashionable. She squeezed her eyes shut as she dumped the pieces on the bench, internally scolding herself for being so concerned with her appearance.

“This is the apocalypse, for fucks sake! No one cares what you look like,” she said to herself, under her breath. “Besides, you'll probably still end up being hotter than everyone else…”

Back in the main bunker area, she laughed to herself as she browsed the shelves full of supplies. A few boxes of Instamash were ripped open and their bagged contents thrown into a leather pouch. Two cans of Cram joined them, along with a couple packs of bubblegum. The next pouch became home to some first aid supplies, and then she filled her canteen to the brim with fresh water, straight from a can. She sipped it, wondering if the aluminum left a taste behind, though she (thankfully) couldn't detect anything.

‘You’re full of yourself. Don't get too cocky out there.’

With another low snicker, Alex zipped up her vault suit, the last and only piece of clothing she owned, and began to strap on the combat armor. It smelled like years of dust and faintly of sweat and gunpowder. Her stomach dropped for a moment, suddenly scared of the very real possibility of dying in the middle of some deserted wasteland, but her chest swelled confidently as she lifted the rifle and strapped it to her back. No, she wasn't a sniper; that was Nate, the man who had trained hard to become Special Forces one day. But she did know how to shoot, and how to shoot well. That would have to be enough for now.

Packed and ready, the pale, wide-eyed vault dweller holstered her old revolver and headed up to the stairs to the surface, finally ready to face the world on her own. 

**

“Codsworth, if I don't come back… please don't look for me. Find Shaun, okay?” Alex said quietly, tears pricking the corners of her eyes as she walked beside the Mr. Handy. They were nearly to the bridge and the robot hesitated. 

“Of course, mum. Stay safe, and do return promptly if you can,” Codsworth said, bobbing in a sort of smile. “I'll have dinner prepared when you do!”

She thanked the bot with a girlish giggle and then bit her tongue as she turned away. ‘You've got to toughen up, act hard! People out here are going to step all over you if you're soft. You've seen the movies!’

Yes, all the movies depicted people of the apocalypse as psychotic, murderous, babbling animals that roamed the deserted world, killing just for fun. At least, those were the movies Alex had seen. Even so, she couldn't be sure people would actually be like that now, or that other people were still alive to begin with. Codsworth wouldn't say how long it had been since his visit to Concord, and that meant it could easily have been 200 years ago. He always seemed to have difficulty understanding lengths of time, perhaps because he was a robot. Or, perhaps he needed maintenance.

Either way, the vault dweller was cautious as she wandered out into the street on the other side of the creek. She side-stepped the rotting bodies, one of a dog and the other a man, wondering what had happened to them. Had that man been squatting in her house, or her neighbor’s house? A little flame of anger sparked inside her, but she extinguished it when she remembered it didn't matter. Not anymore, not ever. Her house had belonged to Nate, and now to the wasteland. It was never hers to begin with.

A loud bark startled her and she reached for her revolver as she ducked behind a small car, abandoned just outside the Red Rocket. Peering through the smashed window, she saw a bouncy, excited looking dog, nothing like the mangy thing she had just passed before. It sniffed the air and barked some more, almost like it was looking for someone. Alex decided there wasn't much harm in calling to the dog, so she stepped around the car and did just that. The German shepherd barked again and raced towards her, looking expectantly up at her face. 

“Well, hey there! Are you all alone out here, buddy?” Alex asked, stooping to pet him. His fur was luxuriously soft compared to everything she had touched recently and it took most of her self-control to refrain from burying her face in his neck. “You wanna come with me? I could use a friend…”

The young dog barked again as if to say yes and she patted him gently on the head. She jerked her head back to the street and clicked her tongue. “Come on, then. Let's go!”

**

“You sure that doesn't hurt?” Preston asked, wrapping up a nasty gash on Alex’s upper arm. “You're pretty damn tough, taking out that deathclaw on your own. I'm not going to hold it against you or anything if-“

“No, Preston, I’m fine! I’m not gonna cry, I swear it doesn't even hurt that bad,” she said, just barely snapping at him. Sure, the alcohol stung a little as he generously dabbed it onto the wound, and it had hurt a bit more when the giant beast ripped the power armor clean off her arm with just a single swipe, but she could handle it without so much as gritting her teeth. She certainly wasn't going to be a baby about it, though, even if it did hurt. It was a talent that she was sure would come in handy from now on. 

“Y’know, if you can find the pieces of that arm, I can repair it for ya,” Sturges said, leaning against the empty doorway. He jabbed his thumb back at the damaged suit. “That's some pretty sweet power armor, and I'd hate to see it go to waste.”

Preston sighed and tipped his hat back with a thumb, looking over to the suave handyman. He opened his mouth to speak but Alex piped up before he got a chance.

“Yeah, I'll see if I've got time to look for it tomorrow,” she said, sighing. “I, uh… I wanted to thank you guys for helping me out so much. This has been unexpected, to say the least.”

Both men smiled warmly and Preston gently patted her on the shoulder. “Don't mention it. We owe you a lot more, anyway. I just hope one day we can really return the favor.”

Later that night, once everyone had gotten a sleeping bag from the shelters supply closet, Alex huddled up by the fire close to Sturges and the dog, who she had learned was named Dogmeat. They were all happy for each other’s company and a conversation about the Commonwealth had struck up over a bottle of whiskey. 

“So this Diamond City place… is it the only settlement around? Besides the farms and shit?” she asked, trying to imagine what it must look like. After 200 years, she would have expected something pretty big, and at least a few more cities than just the one. 

“Nah, Diamond City is the biggest and the one everybody knows about. Quincy was decent sized, too, at least until those damn gunners came along. Other than that, you've really only got Goodneighbor for your big settlements,” Sturges replied, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Goodneighbor, huh? Where might that be?”

“Ah, well… Never been there myself, but from what I've heard it's built mostly ‘round the old State House. Dangerous place, though. Lots of criminals and mercenaries. You should really try to avoid it, at least for as long as you can.”

Silence fell between them as Alex thought for a moment. If it was as dangerous and shady as Sturges said, perhaps the man she was seeking was hiding out there. But then, if that was the case, what the hell would he want with a baby? Her mind exploded with dozens of seemingly outlandish scenarios, everything from child slavery to human sacrifice to a surrogate baby. After a few minutes, Sturges patted her on the knee, temporarily interrupting her minds grip. 

She hardly heard what he said, but she mumbled a half-hearted goodnight and slipped out the open doorway to her shelter. It was eerily silent in the outside darkness, and if not for her imagination running absolutely wild, the lack of sound probably would have been deafening. Dogmeat followed closely at her heels, whining softly as she absentmindedly kicked away bits of concrete and debris as her tired feet dragged across the pavement. She nearly tripped over a loose board near the curb, but caught herself at the last minute on the mailbox.

“Shit! What the fuck is all this shit doing out here?” she whispered, looking down at her scuffed boots with incredulity. Her mind suddenly jumped back to the present and she was rudely reminded of the fact that her entire neighborhood was now in shambles. Her breathing hitched and her eyes watered helplessly as she flipped her Pip-Boy light on and shuffled into the house, searching for the hatch to get to the basement.

By the time Alex’s fingers closed around the handle, she was already crying, her knees collapsing pathetically from under her. Dogmeat was instantly by her side, nosing her shoulder and licking a few tears from her cheeks as they fell. The basement handle was forgotten as she buried her hands deep in the brown and black fur, her entire body shaking with each wracking sob. Nobody from the neighboring house could hear her, but for that she was grateful. How embarrassing it would be to cry your eyes out in front of a bunch of strangers, over a silly baby no less!

But it wasn't silly, not to her. Because deep down, she knew her baby was dead. Alex knew, with absolute certainty, that Shaun had either withered away and died, or that he had been brutally murdered for one horrendous reason or another. She could feel it, or rather, she could feel the lack of her baby out there in the world. Despite what Mama Murphy had assured her of, Shaun was not out there, and she would not find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! :) This is the first fic I have published in some time, so I hope you enjoyed it. I'll be updating once a week on Fridays from here on out, so if you want to read more, please bookmark/subscribe!


	2. Nothing Lasts Forever, and That's Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's journey takes her far across the Commonwealth to Goodneighbor, where she hopes to find the man that kidnapped her child.

The dusty, bright bulb hanging from the ceiling buzzed ever so softly but Alex’s eyes shot open and she groaned loudly, trying to block out the sound. It was _that_ sound she had listened to for hours on end, huddled up and scared, and her mind replayed those pitch black memories of just. _That. **Sound.**_ The bulb burned into her swollen, red eyes as she stared at it, begging in her mind for it to stop, to please stop!

No doubt worried about her drawn-out groaning and odd behavior, Dogmeat barked and jumped up on the bed with her, pawing gingerly at her folded legs. She stopped groaning and instead buried her face into his chest, something she had still been longing to do since they met. He didn't seem to mind and he let her snuggle close and pet him as much as she liked. Eventually, Alex tore herself away and moved toward the kitchen area, partly to escape the noisy bulb and partly to cook them both breakfast.

Sure, she could have joined the others outside to eat mirelurk omelets (whatever the hell those were), but her eyes were still puffy and red and her throat was raw from crying, and she didn't feel like being around other people right then. The vault dweller certainly valued her alone time, much more so than most, and it was actually a struggle for her to be more sociable. The majority of her “social” interactions came from animals, and a little less from robots like Codsworth, while people, especially strangers and acquaintances, rarely got a chance to be around her at all. It was almost ironic that she was the sole survivor of the vault, that she was completely alone in her escape. Alex honestly didn't know if she could handle traveling with a group of survivors, though she supposed letting Preston’s crew stick around was worth something.

Breakfast was finished on autopilot, which was surprising considering it was the first time for her to cook breakfast in over 200 years. She broke out in dry laughter as she set a plate of food in front of Dogmeat and then turned back to her own. ‘It really wasn't that funny, idiot,’ she thought, sighing to herself.

The old, rickety kitchen chair was hard and uncomfortable and Alex groaned. Surely she shouldn't have to put up with this… A little jolt of an idea popped into her mind as she stared around the shelter and she swiftly jumped up to kick the chair out of the way. In its place, she scooted a plush living room chair, one with a tall back and high arm rests. It was so much more comfortable as she took a seat and practically melted into the plush cushions. She propped her feet up on the edge of the chair and brought the bowl to her knees, eating her tasteless breakfast much more happily than usual.

“Right, this is the apocalypse, and I can eat out of a comfy chair at the kitchen table if I want to. No one can stop me!” Alex cried, goofily lifting her fork in the air. “Right, Dogmeat?”

“Boof!” her companion replied.

Once breakfast had concluded, the pair walked back to the wardrobe in playful, high spirits and began to dig through the mounds of fabric inside. There was a cute blue bandana that Alex wrapped around the dog’s neck, plus a little backpack that fit him just right. Next, she pulled out an old flannel shirt, a leather vest, and deep black pants that fit her almost perfectly. The flannel sleeves were a bit long, but nothing she couldn't roll up, and she finished off the outfit with a dark red scarf around her collar, just something to help dull her helpless vibe.

Dogmeat’s little backpack was filled up with first aid supplies, partially freeing up one of the pouches on her belt. She took the opportunity to stash a few valuables there, mostly just extra ammo like fusion cells and a gold pocket watch that was still in decent condition. Alex holstered her revolver once again and threw the rifle over her shoulder before flipping the lights off, silencing their incessant buzzing.

“Let’s go, buddy.”

***

The way back through Concord was quiet the second time around. No raiders, no gunfire, no chatter of rescued settlers. This time it was utterly silent except for the wind and a few crows that sat perched on the balconies and broken windows. Alex knew of the radio stations, both the lovely classical station she was surprised to have discovered and Diamond City radio, with its awkwardly adorable host. But even in the silence, she was terrified that something would be able to hear her coming and she would be fatally ambushed.

While her ears were straining for any sort of warning, Dogmeat ran ahead, weaving back and forth across the road. He didn't seem to have a care in the world and her heart melted as she watched him walk with her. She’d always had a soft spot for animals, and knowing that her companion really wanted to be around her made her feel so much happier than she had ever been since leaving the vault.

The pair wandered farther and farther south, only stopping here or there to search inside a crate or to grab a quick snack. Surprisingly, they had come across very few enemies, or fewer than she had expected. They had managed to successfully sneak past two raider camps, both of which were small anyway and wouldn't have given them much trouble. Outside Lexington, Alex soon learned what mole rats and mosquitoes were like in the wasteland and how deadly they could be. By the time they reached a tiny, rundown cabin hidden in the trees, she was just about ready to collapse from stimpak sickness and exhaustion.

The second day of travel proved itself to be far more difficult. Wandering the streets of downtown Boston, Alex was relying on the familiarity of the buildings to guide her, but they were so heavily damaged in some areas that she and Dogmeat were easily lost. It was almost as if she were exploring a completely new planet, which wasn't actually too far off base if she thought about it. Only a few major landmarks stood out to her, but getting near enough to them to find the route was difficult with so many raiders, green monsters, and ghouls around. Her heart felt as if it would beat right through her chest more and more every time they found something that moved, and she eventually had to duck into a dark alleyway for a cigarette. 

Huddled behind a dumpster, she tried desperately to calm herself. If anything came across them right now, she was going to be dead. No doubt about it. Her hands were shaking so bad she could hardly hold her cigarette, and there was no way she’d be able to properly aim a gun like that. Dogmeat must have been able to tell, somehow, because he kept a very close eye out, never straying too far from her as she smoked.

‘Such a good dog,’ she thought. ‘I wonder where he ever came from.’

On the other end of the alley, footsteps echoed on the cross street. The vault dweller crushed her body against the wall, trying desperately to hide from them as they stepped into view. There were three, all wearing brown pads that covered their front and back, and their knees. Two of them were wearing dark helmets, and the third had on a cap and sunglasses. Each held a baseball bat, and the front man toted a rifle. Behind them, a little eyebot floated into view, its recording hardly audible as it flew between them and then away. Alex tried her best to just breathe, but Dogmeat ran out into the middle of the alley, drawing plenty of attention.

“Hey, it's a dog! And it ain't one of them nasty mutts like in the junkyard,” one of the men called, drawling a Boston accent. All three men stepped toward the alley, calling out to Dogmeat with kisses and treats.

“Dogmeat!” Alex hissed, trying to make herself as small as possible. “Dogmeat, go over there!”

Her companion did as he was told, turning tail and running back down the alley. The men obviously weren't willing to follow and they turned back to their route. Dogmeat returned once they had disappeared, and Alex ducked onto the next street to avoid seeing them again.

***

It was dark, with the stars glittering above her by the time she reached Goodneighbor. Her feet could barely carry her anymore as she walked up to the bright neon sign, and she shielded her eyes from it as she walked inside. The shops were just closing and she mentally kicked herself again, knowing she had hardly enough caps for the night. There were plenty of people standing around anyway, mostly what seemed like drunks or drug addicts. A few people twitched towards her as she pushed her way to the alley. She kept one hand on her revolver, and the other on her rifle strap, hoping her ordinance would make people forget about her fresh deer-in-the-headlights look. It made most people keep their distance, but not one.

“Hey! First time in Goodneighbor, little lady? Can't be walking around without insurance. Wouldn't want that pretty face to go to waste, now would we?” the stranger barked, stepping from the shadows. He was clad all in leather, bald, with dozens of deep pits and scarring on his face. He was almost as short as she was, too.

“Look, buddy, I got all the insurance I need right here,” she said, trying to make her voice sound hard like his. Her hand moved to reveal the revolver hidden under her palm, and she ran a thumb under her rifle strap. “Back the hell off, now.”

The strange man threw his head back and laughed, and Alex wrapped her hand around her revolver. “You're pretty funny, you know that? But that shit won't get you far out here. Dump everything you've got in them pockets, and I won't beat the living shit out of you right now.”

The revolver slipped out of the holster and her finger wrapped around the trigger, ready to fire at a moment’s notice. Her heart pounded heavily as the man stepped towards her, a long knife in one hand, poised to stab her.

“ **STOP!** ”

Both Alex and the stranger froze, startled by the loud, gravelly voice in the alleyway. Another man sauntered forward, seemingly unfazed by the tense situation at hand, and firmly gripped the strange man’s shoulder.

‘Now I’m really fuckin’ in for it,’ she thought, watching the scene unfold before her.

“C’mon, man, we talked about this. Someone steps through the gate the first time, they're a guest. Lay off the extortion crap.”

“Can't just be letting anyone in, you know,” the strange man said, trying to jerk his shoulder away. The man in the red coat, who looked quite a bit more scarred up than the strange man, just chuckled and tightened his grip. “You're gettin’ soft, Hancock.”

The stranger dragged out the last part, then spit in Hancock’s face as he tried to pull away again. Everyone nearby was watching at that point, including one of the shopkeepers, who had crept up close to Alex.

Still unfazed by even that, Hancock tightened his grip and leaned in. “Hey, now! C’mere, I wanna let you in on a little secret-”

Before Alex knew it, the strange man was stabbed in the stomach once, twice… His body collapsed to the ground, blood pooling all around him as the red coat slipped the knife away and stepped forward. Up close, in the light, she could see just how bad his skin really was. It wasn't exactly scarred, more like it had sloughed off in places at one point and then never grew back. Under the brim of his hat, she could see his eyes had completely turned black. The smell of booze accompanied him, though it seemed to be a fairly common thing here.

“You alright, sister?” he asked, his rocky voice somehow softer than before.

The vault dweller just stood there for a moment, her tired brain struggling to catch up with all that had just gone down. When Hancock gave her a concerned look, she shook her head. Or did she nod? Oh shit, she did both.

“Uh, thanks for… taking care of that.”

“Don't mention it. Goodneighbor’s of the people, for the people. You feel me?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I feel you.”

“Good. Name’s Hancock; I'm the mayor around here. You need anything else, I'll be here,” he said, offering her a small grin as he waved towards the state house. Before she could say anything else, he had turned to leave, another heavily-armored woman trailing along behind him.

“Oh, great. Another dead body to clean up, right in front of my store.”

The woman, whose skin looked just like Hancock’s, kicked the dead stranger’s hand away with a look of impatience. Once it was obvious the body wasn't going to magically disappear, the woman sighed and tucked a stray hair behind her mangled ear. She looked up as Alex cautiously shifted her weight from one foot to the other, obviously wary of what was going on.

“You alright, hon?”

Alex sucked in a raspy breath and tried her best to smile through the anxiety and exhaustion, falling just short of a convincing look of confidence. “Um, I’m fine… No need to worry about me. I'll just be going. Sorry about the… the mess.”

The woman gingerly placed a hand on her shoulder as she turned back towards the dark alley. She froze, expecting to be told it was her mess, and that she needed to clean it up right now. The smile that grew on the woman’s face as she turned around was comforting and she found herself just starting to smile back.

“Don't apologize! It wasn't your fault that ugly bastard liked to bend the rules around here,” the woman said, her black eyes sparkling in the neon light. “Now, did you need to trade? Shop closed five minutes ago, but I'll make an exception for a newcomer. Besides, your full pack is going to attract a lot more attention once you leave here.”

“A-are you sure?” Alex asked. So much kindness was the last thing she had expected in Goodneighbor, after hearing all the stories. “I would really appreciate it. I've just got a few things.”

***

The main street was full of activity, even as late as it was, and the dozens of people swimming through the street were bathed in neon lights from all the businesses on either side. The old Scollay Square immediately stood out, its neon and remaining marquee lights flashing at anybody who would look that way. Two armed ghouls stood out front, just barely blocking the entrance from the crowd of drifters. Alex approached the steps with an air of indifference, the first little bit of confidence she’d had all night. The guards parted for her, but not before giving her a good once-over and a less than savory comment.

The sultry parlor had hardly seemed to change since she’d visited it last, though a rather different business seemed to have taken up residence in the building. She quietly hoped that the numerous posters’ advertisements of youthful dancers still held true as she approached a beautiful blonde lounging on a couch. The blonde woman, dressed in a long fur and satin dress, took a long drag from her cigarette before leaning forward to address the vault dweller.

“I think you've stepped into the wrong place, sweetie,” the woman purred. “Do you know what it is that we do here?”

“Does it involve a back room and a handful of singles?” Alex joked. A look around told her there likely weren't any dancers, though. Not anymore. ‘Damn it. Guess I missed my last chance a while ago.’

“No, darling, I don't deal in skin. I deal in memories. You don't look the type, but… Is that something you'd be interested in?”

Memories. Alex glanced back at the strange, glass pods behind her. She knew that somehow they could help her, but just couldn't be sure. The blonde was expecting an answer, though, and she didn't want to pass up an opportunity. Not one like this, anyway.

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm interested. How does it work? Like, do you watch a memory?” she said, suddenly hoping the cost wasn't outrageous.

The blonde woman smiled and shifted back on her couch. “I think it would be best to show you how it works. Do you have any recent memories of any loved ones, family? I always start with those, as a sort of trial run.”

“Uh, yeah, I do…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading! I swear Mac is coming soon, next chapter!! Please bookmark/subscribe if you enjoyed the fic; updates were scheduled every Friday but I may increase to Tuesday/Friday since I'm several chapters ahead at this point. From here on out, I will post major trigger warnings at the beginning of the chapter, just to alert readers who may not have been able to look through every tag or those who don't wish to read very graphic depictions.


	3. Plan A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Goodneighbor isn't the place to find her man. Or, maybe it is.

The Third Rail. A dingy dive bar. The perfect place to hide in some dark corner with a bottle of whiskey and shoo away the thoughts of Shaun and the bald man with a scar on his cheek. A well-mannered ghoul in a tuxedo waved her down the stairs and let her know she was welcome, at least as long as she was a guest. Dogmeat was probably slightly less welcome than she was, but the ghoul didn't mention her companion as they slipped inside. Music was already echoing over the little blue tiles in the stairs and she was soon surprised to see that it wasn't just a recording on the station loud speaker. Dozens of people sat crowded around a tiny stage in one corner, all staring upwards at a tall, dark-haired woman in a sparkling sequin gown. A few patrons turned to glance at Alex, a look of disgust on most of their faces.

Silently, she found herself a spot at the bar and waited patiently for a slightly rusty Mr. Handy to float towards her to take her order. It had a peculiar accent, not one she recognized as a factory default, but it served her a beer just the same. She begged herself to relax as she sipped her drink, to blend in with the people around her. It was obvious no one wanted her around, but she was here, and she would need to make the best of it until she could figure out what to do next.

Out of the corner of her eye, Alex spotted two large, rough men as they descended the stairs and immediately stepped into a back hallway she hadn't noticed before. The sign over it read V. I. P. in haphazard stick lettering, but it certainly didn't seem to be a place anyone would want to hang out in, at least not from where she was sitting. Curiosity got the better of her, though, and she slipped away from the bar to peek into the dim hallway.

The men had stopped in the center of the back room and although she could just barely make out their voices, they didn't seem to speaking to each other. She strained her neck as casually as she could to see around a pair of naked mannequins, wondering who they were talking to. The conversation didn't sound friendly. Just as she was about to step closer, a louder voice rang out over the chatter behind her.

“Why don't you take your girlfriend and get out of here?” it said, sounding annoyed. That seemed to really set off the two big guys and they carefully stepped apart from each other to reveal a shorter, younger man in a tattered coat. He was glowering up at them, trying to wave them back out.

“Do we have to listen to this shit? Let's just get out of here!” one of the big men said, jabbing his thumb towards the hallway. “We can deal with him later.”

The other man, the one who had carried most of the conversation, made another harsh threat before pushing his companion back toward the hall. They both walked with an air of confidence, something that told everyone around them to back the hell off, or else. The man shoved his companion again as they passed by Alex, not even stopping to notice her, and eventually they reached the steps on the other side of the venue.

‘The hell was all that about? This place sure is _classy_.’

Once they had disappeared, hopefully for good, the vault dweller quietly stepped down the hall and into the back room. Surprisingly, it was vacant except for the young man. Alex squinted through the dim, red lights to give him a closer look, immediately noticing how young he actually was. He was just a kid, couldn't have been much older than 22 or 23. Her eyes slowly moved from his face to the rifle propped beside his chair and then to the half empty bottle of bourbon in his lap. They probably would have drifted elsewhere, but she was interrupted when he glanced up at her from under his hat.

“Can I help you?” he asked, still sounding annoyed. His dark blue eyes stared at hers, warning her to back off.

“Uh…” Alex took a reflexive step back, suddenly nervous again. She was all alone back here with him and he looked far more agile and quick than she could have been. Not to mention whatever he must have done to piss those guys off. Her mind immediately jumped to all sorts of possibilities, but the alcohol made her thoughts a little hazy. “I wanted… I was jus-“

“Look lady, if you're preaching about the Atom, or looking for a friend, you've got the wrong guy,” he said. The frown on his face deepened for a moment as he looked her over, eyes scanning up and down, and then he seemed to get a bit more comfortable. “But… if you're looking for a hired gun, then we can talk.”

Oh, maybe she had done something right? ‘He wouldn't have extended an offer like that if I seemed out of place. Or perhaps that's why he mentioned it…’

“A gun? Yeah, I think I could use that,” she said, stopping abruptly. She really didn't know how to go about hiring a mercenary, so she let him run the conversation. Instead, she just put one hand on her hip and tried to look cool.

“Alright,” he answered, drawing it out. “I’m gonna assume you don’t want anyone _in particular_ dead, so… My rate is 250 caps, up front. Non-negotiable. And you gotta lose the googly doll eyes.”

‘Googly eyes?’ Alex blinked a few times and narrowed her eyes. He smirked when she did, so she assumed that was better. ‘Great way to get some wrinkles.’ “Wait, how do I know you're any good?”

At that, he clicked his tongue and shifted in his seat. “Lady, I've been doing this since I was a kid. I used to run with the Gunners for god’s sake! Now before you ask me any other ridiculous questions, how do _I_ know you won't plant a knife in my back?”

“You don't. Only thing I can give you is my word. And a bunch of caps,” she said, hardly thinking about her answer as she jingled her caps purse in her palm. It was something she had seen another drifter do, she guessed to show off. “That good enough for you?”

“Bunch of caps, huh? Well then, I'd say you got yourself another gun, hotshot,” he said. Another smirk lit his face as he stood, hand outstretched. He was just barely taller than her, beating her only by an inch or two. “Name’s MacCready, by the way.”

Alex took his hand with a grasp as firm as she could manage, and then immediately began counting out rolls of bottle caps as she introduced herself. He accepted them from her one by one until she placed the last fifty in his palm. She looked up at him expectantly, but then remembered she was the one who needed to lead the way. Couldn't be relying on him all the time, especially considering she barely knew the guy. A quick glance at her Pip-boy told her it was late, nearly midnight, but that didn't mean she couldn't grab another drink.

“I was gonna order another beer,” she said awkwardly, tilting her head in the direction of the bar. “Do you um, wanna talk about the plan for tomorrow?”

MacCready raised an eyebrow at her. “You already have a plan for tomorrow? Well, can't say I hate pre-preparedness.” He grabbed his bottle of bourbon and slung his rifle over his back. “Let's talk about it in the morning, though.”

The main area had grown quiet, though not any less crowded. It was a struggle to work her way up to the bar and she nearly gave up before a shiny red dress caught her eye. Magnolia, the singer of the Third Rail, had taken a break and was sipping a drink of her own. The woman tossed her head back and smiled as Alex leaned against the bar next to her.

“Don't think I've seen you around before. You new to Goodneighbor?” the singer asked, gracing her with a warm smile. She was radiant, especially in a place like the Third Rail.

“Me? Just got here tonight,” Alex replied, returning the smile. “I loved your song, by the way. It was beautiful. It’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of a live jazz show.”

“She's the reason this is such a great place to lie low,” MacCready said casually. He took a swig straight from the bottle still in his hand.

“Oh, well thank you. I should get going, though. The stage is always calling,” Magnolia said as she turned her seat over to Alex. “You two have a nice evening.”

Silence lingered between the two of them as the singer took to the make-shift stage again. Alex was obviously comfortable with it, able to sit quietly as she sipped her beer and listened to the music. She wasn't trying to ignore MacCready, just making herself at home in his presence. Despite everything, something still made her feel relatively at ease with him, not vigilant like she usually was with strangers.

“So you like jazz?” her new companion asked, trying to strike up a fresh conversation.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. It's nice,” she answered. “Do you?”

“It's alright. I prefer rock ‘n roll.”

“Me too, I guess.”

MacCready grit his teeth and turned his head to look around the bar. She didn't really seem to want to talk to him, so he sighed and took a step back.

“I'll see you in the morning. Meet me in the Rexford lobby,” he said, tapping the edge of the bar as he pushed himself away from it.

“Okay, see you tomorrow…”

*******

Well, the hotel certainly used to be nicer, and a lot cleaner, but at least it was a roof over her head and a decent enough bed to sleep in. MacCready had left her to find it on her own, though it wasn't difficult to track down with the giant neon sign out front. Now that it was morning, she set to work packing up her things. Dogmeat helped her out, pulling her hidden pack from under the bed. Once she was dressed and ready, the pair made their way back down to the lobby to wait for her new companion.

Alone at the dingy bar in the far corner, the young mercenary was flipping through an old magazine, waiting patiently for Alex to turn up. He checked his watch again, noticing it was now half past eight, and muttered something under his breath. A few more minutes passed before he stood and tucked the magazine in his back pocket.

“Hey! You ready to head out?” Alex said, stepping up behind him. She was sleepy, but still chipper.

MacCready nearly jumped out of his skin and whirled around to face whoever had spoken. He took a breath when he realized it was just her but his eyes were still darting back and forth as he pulled his rifle over his shoulder. “Let’s get out of here,” he muttered, sounding anxious.

They were nearly to the doors when a wrinkled hand reached out and grasped Alex’s wrist, forcing her to look up at the ghoul that had grabbed her. He stared at her with dark, teary eyes and brought his yellow hat to his chest. His grip on her was much tighter than expected and trying to pull away wasn’t helping. Behind her, MacCready frowned and watched closely, eager to help his boss if the need arose.

“It’s… it's _you_! D-do you remember me? From Sanctuary? I sold you that space in the vault, a-and then they wouldn't let me in!” the ghoul stammered in his gravelly voice, on the edge of tears. He still wouldn't release her wrist, even as her companions flanked her. “Look at you! You’re _perfect_! And I'm… I’m _hideous_!”

The moment he’d said Sanctuary, the memories of the Vault-Tec representative standing before her began to buzz in her mind. Her eyes grew wide and she let her wrist fall limp in his hand. He was totally different now, his skin torn and wrinkled beyond recognition. “You didn't know? They froze us, in some sort of… cryo facility. I just recently escaped.”

The ghoul’s eyes grew to match her own and he shook his head. “No, I had no idea. Vault-Tec never told us anything! I've been living out here for over 200 years and I've never once come across someone else from… from Sanctuary. Until now!” The tears suddenly started streaming down his scarred cheeks, filling in the deep cracks and crevices. “You don't know how lonely I've been!”

The poor man… Alex immediately took pity on him, knowing well what it was like to be alone in the wasteland, though she hadn't been stranded for as long as he had been. She took her wrist from him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Why don't you go back to Sanctuary? I've put up a settlement there. I’ll come visit, I promise!” she offered.

His breathing hitched and he looked up at her, his eyes sparkling. “Really? You'd let me stay there? And you'll come visit?”

She nodded, patting him on the shoulder. “Yes, I'll visit. I swear.”

The old ghoul thanked her profusely and hurried up the stairs to grab his things. She even offered to let him take Dogmeat to keep him safe on the trip. He was still going on and on as he climbed the stairs, annoying all the other visitors and residents. Even Clair, the older woman running the front desk, told him to shut up, although she’d likely had to put up with far worse.

Turning around, Alex beamed at MacCready, who looked puzzled at the exchange. “What’s wrong?”

“Wait, so you're really 200 years old?” he said, disbelieving. “Holy crap…”

“Well, actually somewhere around 237, because I was 27 when I was frozen, and it's been 210 years since then. So, yeah.”

‘Oh god, that was too much fucking information. He didn’t need to know exactly how old you’re supposed to be! Jesus Christ!’

A low whistle was his only response as he raised his eyebrows and turned back towards the door. There wasn't much to say, anyway. She laughed sweetly at him as they pushed their way out into the street, joining the sweaty crowd of drifters.

“Did you eat breakfast yet?” she asked suddenly, pulling out a crinkled old box of snack cakes.

“Hm?” He gave her a side glance as they walked through the alleys. After too long with no response, he blinked and looked away. “Uh, yes, I ate breakfast. Thanks for asking.”

She shrugged, taking a bite out of one. “Okie doke. Just wondering.”

“So, what's the plan for today, boss?”

The pink box disappeared into one of her pouches and Alex shoved two wrappers into an overflowing pile of garbage. “Well, I need to get to Diamond City. The lady at the Memory Den, Irma… she said there’s a detective there that could help me with… something.”

“The Memory Den? The hell were you going in there for?” MacCready asked, his tone growing more disbelieving with each surprise that came from her mouth.

“I was kinda hoping it was still a strip club,” she replied meekly, pulling her shoulders together. “It… wasn't.”

His face screwed up as he leaned against the low stone wall. “Did it used to be a strip club full of naked guys or something?”

“Huh? No, but… Girls are pretty.”

“Oh, so you're one of _those_ girls.” MacCready said it very matter-of-fact as he cocked an eyebrow at her. “I see.”

“A- No, I play for both teams,” Alex shot back, her cheeks suddenly turning red. ‘Good god, that was so cheesy. Shut up.’ “But in all seriousness, I need to get to Diamond City. It's important.”

“Alright, boss, I can get you there. Our first problem is going to be getting past this Gunner camp posted right outside Mass Fusion,” he said, sighing. “Now, I think our best bet wou-“

“Oh, I took care of them already.” She smiled a bit as she said it, like it was no big deal.

“What? You mean, you killed _all_ the Gunners at that little outside camp? By _yourself_?” he asked, incredulous. He shook his head. “There's no way.”

There was that tone again. She might as well get used to it now, before it started to really piss her off later on.

“Mhmm,” Alex hummed, looking pleased with herself. She had indeed sniped them all from behind a barrier, just before arriving in Goodneighbor. Each one went down, one after the other, and their bodies were laid in an almost neat little pile outside Mass Fusion.

MacCready stared at her, mouth slightly agape. He stayed like that for a few seconds, his eyes searching hers for any hint of a lie or exaggeration. Nope, she wasn’t exaggerating. He pushed the brim of his hat up with a thumb and then chuckled.

“Nice job, boss. Let's hit the road.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's finally here! Even if he is a bit grumpy. Chapters will be getting longer from here on out now that the story is really picking up. Sorry if you preferred the bite-sized chapters, but the newer ones are just a few extra pages. Thank you for reading!


	4. Strange Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and MacCready travel across downtown Boston to Diamond City, where she meets a reporter she'd rather not have run across, a suspicious mayor, and a noodle robot. Will she fall in love with metal-man Takahashi? Or will a suave detective pique her interest? ;)

**-Alex-**

Two days later, Alex followed too closely behind MacCready as they approached the looming green walls and scattered groups of guards. She had quickly realized they were some of the same guards she had seen the day before, at the end of the alley she had hidden in. To say she was cautious was an understatement, but the calm look on the mercenary’s face told her it must be safe here. Regardless, she refused to let her guard down as they slipped through a narrow alley and kept one hand firmly locked on the revolver at her hip.

As they approached the entrance to the junkyard situated opposite of Diamond City, a barking, snarling mongrel launched itself at a passing guard. The man struck it across the muzzle with the butt of his rifle, but that only made the feral dog angrier. Without thinking, the vault dweller slipped the revolver from its holster and swiftly lodged two bullets in the dog’s head, just as it tried to close its jaws around the guard’s throat. Her heart was pounding in her ears as she lowered the gun and MacCready patted her on the back.

“What’d you hire me for? You took out five gunners, a yao guai, more than a dozen raiders, a super mutant with a missile launcher, for god’s sake, and now a feral mutt, all by yourself,” he said, counting her kills on his fingers as he joked with her. “You can handle yourself just fine!”

“Well, it may have just been the fact that talking out loud to a dog in public makes you look nuts, but… eh,” she replied with a shrug.

He responded with a hearty chuckle, the first bit of genuine laughter she’d gotten out of him the whole journey. It warmed her heart to see him enjoying her sarcasm, one of the few things she could actually bring herself to share with people. It felt good to know at least one person enjoyed it as much as she did.

They continued down the narrow alley until they arrived in front of a massive gate, blocking their only entrance. To one side was a two-way speaker, but it was currently in use by an annoyed woman in a press cap and red leather coat. Her arms flailed as she yelled at the person on the other end, who was apparently called Danny, demanding to be let back in.

“Sorry, Piper, no can do. McDonough’s orders, and that's final.”

Piper clenched her fists and growled at the speaker, coming close to kicking it. A few mumbled curse words left her lips as she backed away toward Alex and MacCready, trying to control herself. She took one sideways glance at Alex before a mischievous grin spread on her face and she hurriedly waved the vault dweller over.

“Hey, you! You want in, right? To Diamond City?” she whispered, leaning in far closer than was usually comfortable. Alex simply nodded in response, holding her breath. “Alright, play along.”

“So, you’re a trader up from Quincy… with enough supplies to keep the store stocked for a whole month? You hear that, Danny? Better open up that gate, unless you want to explain to _crazy_ Myrna why she’s missing out on all this good stock!” Piper shouted toward the speaker, the lies rolling off her tongue with ease.

A sigh and a dejected “Fine!” came through the speaker, and then the gate rattled to life with a deafening metallic screech. Alex’s face screwed up as she turned away to avoid the noise, but found it was impossible to escape. It wasn't until the gate came to a stop at the top of the wall that she peered inside the darkened entrance to Fenway Park. Smack in the center, a short, chubby man in a laundered tan suit and matching hat stood glowering at Piper. To his side was a guard, most likely the one named Danny.

Her companion gently tapped her on the shoulder as he slipped past, skirting around the two men at the entrance. Something about him standing in the outer hall of the ballpark seemed odd to her, almost like a déjà vu moment, but she guessed it had something to do with Nate. Not that she wanted to think about him at all right then. Before she had more time to think, Piper was waving at her again, frantic this time.

“Come on, we gotta hurry inside before Danny spots our bluff,” she whispered to Alex, pointing in the direction MacCready had gone. She kept her head down and stayed in the shadows.

“Piper! Who let you back inside? I told Sullivan to keep that gate shut!” the chubby man shouted as soon as they walked into the light. He stomped right up to her, his face red and his finger waving. “You- you devious, rabble-rousing _slanderer_! The level of dishonesty in that paper of yours! I'll have that printer scrapped for parts!”

“That a statement, McDonough? ‘Tyrant mayor shuts down the press’?” Piper shot back, equally as animated. She flipped her hair back and jabbed a thumb at Alex. “Why don't we ask the newcomer? Do you support the news? Mayor’s threatening to throw free speech in the dumpster!”

Behind Alex, MacCready sighed and kicked his foot against a loose tile. He'd preferred to stick to the shadows, especially during this exchange, but his boss was caught up in their argument and he couldn’t just walk away without her. With a sigh, he leaned toward her ear. “See why everyone in Goodneighbor hates this place?” he said, just low enough that only she could hear.

A smirk flashed on her face but then quickly disappeared when she remembered that Piper and the mayor were still looking her way. She pursed her lips and furrowed her brow before saying, “Papers just like to stir up bad news. There's plenty of that without ‘em.”

Two different reactions played out around her, but she really couldn't pinpoint the mayor’s. Still at her back, the mercenary smirked and puffed out his chest a bit, obviously glad to be on Alex’s side. In front, Piper’s expression fell and she chewed her lip. It was pretty apparent that she was expecting a different answer, but Alex reminded herself not to feel too bad about it. A stranger’s expectations weren't her responsibility, after all.

“Oh, I'm so sorry, miss!” Mayor McDonough said, ignoring Piper as she sulked. “I didn't mean to bring you into this conversation. You look like Diamond City material!”

’Diamond City material’? Alex looked down at the sweaty, dirt-caked, blood-soaked armor she was wearing and cocked an eyebrow at him. The mayor only offered a light chuckle and a shrug in response. She briefly wondered to herself how this guy even got elected, or if he had just taken the position by force.

“Yes, well… At any rate, welcome to the great green jewel of the Commonwealth! Diamond City is a fine, safe place to settle down, spend your money…” He chuckled again as he said the last part and Alex immediately became distrustful of him.

“Uh, yeah. That all sounds great, but I need to get going. Excuse us,” she said, tugging lightly on MacCready’s sleeve as she marched to the steps and left both the mayor and Piper behind. Inside the stairwell, she shook her head and turned to look back at her companion. “Can't go two feet into anywhere without getting roped into some shit.”

Dozens of rusty shacks rose up around them as they reached the top of the steps and then slowly descended on the other side. Smoke billowed out of makeshift chimneys, the wind rattled sheets of loose metal and wood planks, and birds squawked from the ruined stands. People milled around below them, chatting loudly and visiting the market stalls. Alex slowly moved her eyes from building to building, her jaw dropped in amazement at the sprawling settlement.

“Holy shit… this place is huge,” she murmured as she stood frozen in place.

“Haven't been to Diamond City in years, but I'll tell ya, nothing’s changed,” MacCready said as he slipped past her. “You want to look around first, or head straight to Valentine?”

She glanced over at him, noticing the cigarette hanging casually from his lips. It had never occurred to her that she could smoke wherever she wanted to now. Without a word, she pulled one out for herself and took a few drags as they walked down toward the market. A group of odd looking crows at the bottom of the stairs scattered as they approached.

“Wait up!” Piper suddenly shouted from behind, waving her hands as she raced after them. The bits of red leather coat flapped wildly around her knees and her hurried footsteps echoed in the stands.

Alex rolled her eyes but stopped short at the bottom step, puffing smoke while she waited impatiently. “What do you need now? I'm kinda busy.”

“You, you're from that vault, right? Vault 111? I heard about you on the radio and, well… I want an interview!” the reporter said, trying and failing to keep her cool. Her voice sounded far too excited and the smile on her face couldn't possibly have been any bigger. “It would be great! ‘Local woman leaves vault’! No, there's gotta be a better headline, too boring…”

“Look, Piper, like I said, I'm busy. And I’d really rather not be in a paper right now. Maybe some other time,” Alex said, turning away. She regretted leaving the door open, but she thought it would get Piper off her back a little easier. Thankfully, it worked.

“Well, if you change your mind, I'll be in my office. Publick Occurences, right over there.” She pointed towards an open stall with a kid out front, hassling people with copies of a newspaper, and then trudged that way with her head slightly down.

‘Finally,’ Alex thought, shaking her head. ‘The last thing I need is my name plastered everywhere. It's bad enough people already know which vault I'm from.’ She took one last drag of her cigarette and then put it out on a nearby garbage can. The sun was just starting to set by that point, but all the shops remained open, at least for now. With a light yawn, she tipped her head toward the market.

“Let's go look around. I could use something to eat while we’re here,” she said, looking at MacCready. “What's good around here?”

“Well, since you've never been before, you gotta try the noodles. Takahashi makes the best,” he answered with a grin. The pair walked up to the bright stand, situated right in the middle of the market, and took a seat across the counter from a Protectron in a white chef hat. “Taka, set me up with some of those shimi-, er shima-“

“Nan-ni shimasho-ka?” the robot replied.

“Yeah, that's the stuff!”

“Nan-ni shimasho-ka?” it asked again, clearly not understanding the first time.

“You're damn right I'll take two servings!” MacCready said. He happily accepted a pair of chopsticks and two handmade bowls, both steaming and full of noodles.

Alex was slightly confused, but when the bot repeated the question to her, she just said yes and passed over a couple caps. In exchange, she got her own bowl and chopsticks. A hot meal wasn't something she ever really thought she would get to enjoy again and the yummy noodles far exceeded her expectations. Each savory bite warmed her up a bit more, easing the aches in her joints. Before she knew it, her chopsticks were scraping the bottom of the bowl and she instantly fished out some more caps for seconds.

Beside her, MacCready watched her practically throw the caps at Takahashi and he chuckled, the same genuine laughter she had heard from him earlier that day. He was also on his second bowl, but he kept his eyes on her hands as they hungrily grabbed at the fresh noodle cup. Once she began cooling her bowl, he tilted his head back and looked down at her, one eyebrow raised.

“What?!” Alex cried, twirling her chopsticks up with noodles. She brought a hand to her cheek, feeling around for something on her face. “What'd I do?”

He shook his head and went back to his bowl. “It was nothing, don't worry about it. How are your noodles? I'm assuming you like them.”

“Oh, yeah, they're great! I love noodles,” she said, her face lighting up like a child’s on Christmas morning.

***

After dumping most of what was in her pack at Arturo’s gun store and Myrna’s general supply, Alex happily joined the young mercenary across the market, her caps purse a bit heavier. He stood from his spot on the bench, stretching lightly, and then turned her towards a little alley in the back. They walked quietly into the dark, covered back alley, heading straight for a giant neon sign that read ‘Valentine Detective Agency’. In her mind, she was expecting some suave, tanned detective, probably with a cigar in one hand, and a thick beard. He would look over her case, jot a few notes down, and then… well, then he would solemnly tell her there wasn't anything he could do. True, she was expecting the worst, but she figured it was worth something that she was still here in the first place.

The agency was located down a tiny hallway, just barely wide enough for the two of them. There were no hours of operation posted anywhere, but the door was unlocked, so they went right inside. It was a tiny building and most of the space inside was taken up by filing cabinets and two desks, one in front by the door and one in the back corner. A small fan circulated the air, though it didn't do much to cool the room. In the back, digging through a box of things, was a thin woman that she assumed to be a secretary.

“Um, excuse me?” Alex called, leaning over the desk. The door clicking shut behind MacCready was what finally caught the secretary’s attention and she whirled around with a wide-eyed expression.

“Oh, I'm sorry. The office is closed, for good,” she answered curtly, turning right back to the box. “You can see yourself out.”

Alex exchanged a glance with MacCready, who frowned slightly. When she didn't make a move, he met her eyes and jerked his head in the woman’s direction. She nodded, grateful that he had her back, and leaned over the desk.

“Um, miss? I really need to speak to Mr. Valentine. Is he not here?”

The secretary sniffed and turned back to face her. “No, he's not here. He- he’s gone missing.”

“Where was he last? If you know anything… I really need to speak to him, so if you know where he might be, I can go looking for him,” Alex pleaded, hoping in the back of her mind that he was still alive somewhere.

“You would do that?” the woman asked, her eyes filled with tears. “He was going to investigate a missing person’s case involving Skinny Malone’s gang. He spent about a month tracking the missing girl, and last I heard he thought he was pretty close to locating her. But he disappeared a week ago and… I’m not exactly sure where he could be right now, but maybe some of his notes would help you. Please, if you'll do this… It would mean a lot to me. To both of us.”

The case file, or what was available, was handed off to Alex. She flipped it open, deciding it best to retrace the detective’s last known steps through Boston in order to find him. Over her shoulder, MacCready took a peek at the files as well. It wasn't the outcome she was hoping for by coming here, but at least it was a lead. She thanked the secretary and walked back out into the night with her companion close behind.

“Sorry about… Valentine. Being gone and all,” MacCready apologized awkwardly. He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, his eyes on the ground as they walked. “We can go to the Dugout for now. Don't worry about looking until tomorrow morning, alright? It’s too dangerous to be wandering around at night.”

“Will you still come with me? I- I’ve never hired a merc before and I don't know… Do I pay you again?” she admitted softly, hunching her shoulders. The loneliness was really starting to get to her, and while she wouldn’t mind paying him again every few days, his rate was a bit too high for her to keep that up for long.

He plucked the cap from his head and ran a hand through his hair as he thought it over. “Look, I like traveling with people who aren’t ass- I mean, people who aren’t jerks or just plain morons, so I'll cut you a deal. You don't have to pay me anymore, but any loot we find, we split. Fifty/Fifty. That sound fair to you?”

It seemed a pretty generous offer to her, considering she rarely pulled in more than two or three hundred caps at a time with the loot she picked. Split down the middle, he wouldn't be making nearly as much as his usual rate. Although, she supposed they could each carry some, making her hauls even bigger, and it was something reliable for him. With a wide smile and a nod, she agreed, thanking him for the deal. They shook on it and she had to resist the urge to either hug him or start crying.

“No problem, boss. You lead the way.”

“But I don't know how to get to the Dugout from here,” she said, furrowing her brow as she looked at MacCready.

“Jeez, I didn't mean right _now_ ,” he laughed, patting her on the shoulder. “Come on, it's just up the street. I'll buy you a drink.”

“Oh, you will? Trying to flirt with me, huh? Guess I know now why you cut me such a sweet deal,” Alex teased. She giggled when he rolled his eyes.

“No, I am not trying to flirt with you. I'm trying to thank you for giving me a slightly steadier income,” he admitted, holding the door for her. “I could really use it right now.”

“Don't tell me you've got some secret drug habit.”

She had meant it in jest, but he winced as he followed along behind her. Alex didn't notice as she was facing away from him, making her way through the blue neon hall and up to the bar. He rubbed a hand on the back of his neck, but swiftly dropped it when she turned around.

“No comment?” The vault dweller shrugged. “Fine by me, I guess. You don't seem like the type, though.”

“I don't mess around with drugs,” he responded dryly, not meeting her eyes.

Well, Alex had fucked up, that was plain as day to her. “Sorry, that was stupid of me.” ‘Should have just kept my damn mouth shut. Dumbass.’

“Don't worry about it.” He took a seat beside her at the bar and seemed to lighten up a bit. “You want a beer?”

“Yeah, sure.”

The few patrons in the bar behind them kept to themselves, sitting alone at the various tables and couches spread haphazardly throughout the room. A radio on one end of the bar played the local station. Unfortunately the DJ was terrible, always stuttering and screeching, but he did play some good music. Near the door, an intact Port-a-Dinner stood waiting, filled mostly with what looked like plates of brahmin meat or vegetables. The bartender seemed friendly, and he struck up a conversation with MacCready while Alex stared into space. Eventually they were served drinks, and he seemed to be back to his casual self, especially after a few beers.

**-MacCready-**

“Hey, bitch, only one room left,” Alex shouted, slamming her hand against the wall as she leaned into the restroom. She flashed him a toothy grin, eyes unfocused. “I call dibs on the bed!”

“What the hell-!” he shouted back, angrily looking over his shoulder at her. “I'm _busy_ here!”

“Dude, everybody pees, calm the fuck down.” Her voice was slurred as she rolled with her back to the wall. “Hurry up, I gotta go, too.”

MacCready bristled as he walked out to join her, not even half as drunk as she was. In the back of his mind, he was slightly worried that he might be blushing, but he guessed she wouldn’t even be able to tell. He glowered at her when she tossed him another goofy smile. “Can I watch you, too?”

“No! I wasn't even watchin’ you. I just didn't know if you could hear me…” she whined, pushing him away.

“Everybody in the whole damn bar can hear you!” he hissed back, leaning in close to her. “Just, go take a piss and try not to shout anymore, I don't want to get thrown out.”

“Aye, aye, cap’n!”

After a quick look around, everybody seemed to be ignoring her, and for that MacCready was thankful. He made himself a little mental note to not let her drink 12 beers on a dare from Vadim and then hurried back to the room, guessing Alex could probably find her own way back without him. The bartender’s brother, Yefim, chuckled as he approached and then pointed to the restroom.

“May want to keep an eye on her. I don't want anybody puking on my floors, remember,” he said, tapping a finger to his head.

“Yeah, yeah, I'll just tape a bucket to her face…”

“Tape a bucket to whose face?” Alex whispered, suddenly catching up with him in the hallway. “Not mine, right?”

He threw the door to their room open and simply pointed to the bed. “Go. To. Sleep.”

The bed in the Dugout Inn was clean, unlike the one at the Rexford, though Alex couldn’t have cared less at that moment. On his order, she dropped her armor at the foot of the bed and curled up under the thin blanket, already deeply asleep by the time she hit the pillow.

Over on the couch, MacCready made himself as comfortable as possible with just a throw pillow and a dirty sleeping bag he had dug out from her backpack. For a while, he listened to her quiet sighing in the dark, glad that she was a sleepy drunk. He rubbed a hand over his face as he thought about her for a moment, the little bits and pieces she had told him about herself and that he had seen of her over their two days of traveling. She was kind, generous, understanding… all good traits to have, but traits that would get you murdered out in the wasteland. On one hand, he wanted to stick around, get to know her more, but on the other he was worried, scared even, that she would get them killed together. He didn't know if he could, or should, risk that just for a strange girl straight out of a vault. After all, he had someone else to be even more concerned about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, the chapter summary was cheesy but I couldn't resist. Anyway, thank you for reading! I had fun messing with Mr. GrumpyPants, especially before the big blowup surprise coming next chapter. Stay tuned!
> 
> Bookmark/Subscribe to stay updated, chapters are released every Tue/Fri!


	5. Plastic Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick Valentine is saved, but he's nothing like Alex was expecting. She's glad to find him alive and can only hope that he's able to help her locate her son.

**-Alex-**

“Rise and shine, buttercup,” MacCready mumbled, patting the edge of the mattress as he retrieved his pack from under the bed.

His voice sounded tired and even through bleary, sleepy eyes, Alex almost immediately noticed how stiff he seemed. A dull headache pounded behind her eyes, her knees and shoulders were giving her more grief than usual, and her stomach flipped as she rolled over in the bed. Sitting up, she peered at the crumpled sleeping bag on the couch. Did he sleep in her room last night? Well, that _was_ his backpack he was pulling out from underneath her bed. She watched him straighten up, a slight frown on her lips. Standing right in front of her, she suddenly realized he was only half dressed, his coat and scarf thrown across the armchair and his hat perched on the coffee table.

“Is something the matter?” he asked, slowly raising an eyebrow. “I know you’re probably still tired, but it’s already 10 in the morning and we should really be go-“

“Wha- what’d we, um… What’d we _do_ last night?” she said, cutting him off as all sorts of scenarios flooded her mind. Alex looked utterly terrified and she dreaded his answer, expecting none other than the worst. She was confused when he squeezed his eyes shut and gave an exasperated sigh.

“ _We_ didn’t do _anything_ , okay? _You_ got drunk, all on your own, and by the time we got to Yefim, there was only one room left. I slept on the couch the whole night, alright? Calm down.”

Her frown deepened as guilt washed over her, both for accusing him of taking advantage of her and for making him sleep on the couch. No wonder he seemed so stiff. Alex swung her legs over the side of the bed and watched him snatch his clothes from the chair. It was pretty obvious that she had pissed him off and she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. She looked down at her hands in her lap, trying to build up the courage to say something.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… I… I was nervous. But I shouldn’t have asked like that,” she squeaked, barely loud enough. ‘Shit, he probably couldn’t even hear you. Toughen up! Just speak up and get it over with!’ “I’m sorr-“

“I heard you the first time. Don’t beat yourself up over it,” MacCready said, turning toward her as he arranged his scarf. His face was hard, but not exactly angry. It didn’t make her feel much better. “We going to look for Valentine today?”

Alex just nodded as she sunk to her knees to grab her backpack. It had gotten shoved further underneath the bed than she had left it, probably by her companion. She groaned as her outstretched hand just missed the strap, straining her already painful shoulder. God, why did he have to push it so far back there? The metal frame of the bed squealed against the rough concrete floor as she pushed her shoulder up against it, but her fingers barely grazed the fabric that time. Still too far away. She huffed and crawled on her knees to the end of the bed, hoping she could reach it a bit more easily from there, but she had no such luck. Wincing, she tried to pull herself up by the frame, but her knees had already grown stiff from the hard floor. Where was Dogmeat when you needed him?

“Move.” He stepped forward and waved her aside, but it took her a long time to finally straighten up and get out of his way. Too long.

She watched silently as his eyes flicked up and down her body, resting for a split second on her knees and then where her tank top clung tightly to her slightly-too-thick midsection, just before he lithely dropped to the floor and swiped a hand under the bed. He was examining her. Judging her. ‘Probably thinks you’re fuckin’ helpless. And gross.’

MacCready held out her pack without another word, his expression still hard and tired, and then turned to gather up the rest of his own things. The battered hat on the table covered his dark, slightly greasy hair as he opened the door and began to step out. “Get dressed. I’ll meet you at the bar.”

And that was that.

Once the door had shut behind him, Alex sighed and shoved her backpack onto the bed. Why did she have to be so stupid and awkward all the time? Couldn’t she do _anything_ without needing help from someone else? Oh, and if that wasn’t bad enough, now she was wasting his time even more by standing there in the middle of the room, worrying about everything instead of doing the _one_ thing he had told her to do. She jerked her shirt on as she muttered to herself, nearly ripping a hole in the fragile sleeve. Eventually, she managed to get dressed and was ready to go, but her mind wasn’t any quieter.

Near the bar, she froze when she saw her companion was chatting with the two brothers that ran the place. MacCready spoke softly as he hunched his shoulders and looked between the men with sadness written plainly on his face. The normally rowdy bartender, Vadim, was quiet in his response and offered up a cigarette. Yefim gently patted him on the shoulder, giving him what sounded like his condolences. If something had happened recently, something bad, he was pretty damn good at hiding it from her. Very… professional.

“Don’t look now, but your boss is heading this way,” Vadim said, just loudly enough for her to hear.

His shoulders slid back and he instantly jerked his head away, pretending to mess with something on his boot, as she slowly made her way toward them. Alex surprised herself when she suddenly worried that he might have been crying. ‘What’s it matter? You don’t have anything to do with him, other than paying him to watch your back. Don’t get caught up in his feelings. If he gets embarrassed in front of you, that’s his problem.’

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to walk in on… whatever’s going on,” she said quietly, empathizing with him despite her self-scolding.

“Didn’t walk in on anything. We were just chatting about you getting drunk last night and dancing topless on the bar.” A goofy smile lit MacCready’s face when he looked over at her and he laughed around the cigarette dangling from his lips. “I’m just messin’ with you! Don’t look so fu-frickin’ mortified!”

Alex’s face had indeed turned from one of mild concern to abject horror at his comment and her eyes darted between Yefim and Vadim. They laughed along with MacCready, verifying that he was screwing around with her and was in no way giving her a serious recap of the previous night. She forced a tiny bit of strained laughter to join them and then looked down at the edge of the bar. “Shit, um, I don’t mean to cut y’all’s conversation short, but we should be going. Got a lot to do today.”

He hopped up from his seat and mashed the burnt out cigarette into a dirty ashtray before hooking a thumb under his rifle strap. “Right, let’s get out of here. Lead the way, boss.”

***

The case Valentine had been working on was quite a long one, at least in Alex’s opinion. According to the scattered notes the detective had written, he had tracked this missing woman to Skinny Malone’s gang and was in the process of trying to locate their current hideout. All she could gather from flipping through the loose sheets of paper and random sketches was that it was somewhere underground in downtown Boston, possibly a subway station.

Well, off the top of her head, Alex could think of the names and locations of… none of the stations. She and Nate had rarely ever taken the subway and the few times they had, she had let him lead her around and remained oblivious to everything going on around her. Great. With a sigh, she closed the front of the dirty manila folder and took a long drag from her cigarette.

“So where to, boss?” MacCready said, walking beside her as they exited the gate to Diamond City.

“Honestly, I don’t know. Only info I can get out of this crap is that he _might_ be in a subway station between here and Goodneighbor. You wouldn’t happen to have a handy-dandy list of all the stations, would you?”

“No, unfortunately I do not. I thought a 200-something-year-old vault dweller should know that,” he said. When Alex shot him a look, he snickered and pointed toward an alley on their right. “Look, there’s only really three stations they could be in, if they’re between here and there. Except, one is occupied by a lovely lady named Bobbi and the second is held down by a group of Gunners. So that really only leaves one, smack in the middle of the Common. Park Street station. Ever heard of it?”

‘Park Street station’ vaguely meant something to her, though ‘the Common’ meant absolutely nothing. She hesitantly nodded in response. “Sure. You know how to get there?”

“Of course I know how to get there. It won’t take too long, unless you want to take the scenic route again. Still won’t take quite as long as the last trip.”

By that point, they had walked down to the bridge that led to the old C.I.T. campus across the river. They could go back across the bridge and travel part of the way they had come from Goodneighbor all the way to Diamond City, or make a bee-line for the station and probably get there within a few hours, provided they didn’t run across too many raiders. As much as she wanted to get there quickly, she was much more interested in making it to the station _alive_ , so Alex tipped her head toward the bridge. MacCready nodded in approval and followed behind her, staying a few more steps back than usual.

It didn’t bother her for a while, at least not until she couldn’t stand the empty silence anymore. He was literally one of the very few people that would talk to her, which was probably only because he was paid to, more or less. But for 250 caps, she was going to get her money’s worth…

“Are you sure you're okay?” she asked, coming to a sudden stop in the road. Her eyes watched his face carefully, noting the glimpses of different emotions. She could feel her innate empathy creeping back in, begging her to make him feel better, if only to make herself feel alright again. “You don't have to give me details. I just- You seemed sad at the bar, and I… don't… want you to be... sad.”

He stood beside her for a while, staring back at her face. There wasn’t even the slightest movement in his face that she could detect. He just stared, eyes boring into hers. A strong gust of wind blew the tail of his coat into his legs and he finally sighed. “It's nothing you need to worry about. I promise. Now let's go.”

“But-“

“I said, _let’s go_.”

***

“So, you impressed yet, or what?” he asked as they walked through the lobby of the subway station. A few bodies already littered the broken floor, stinking up the unventilated room, and he stepped over them without a care. “I told you I was a damn good shot.”

Broken glass crunched under her boots as she side-stepped the corpses, still not quite believing they were truly dead. Alex had looked on in silent awe as her companion took out a group of guards in the Common, each shot penetrating one skull after the other with perfect accuracy. Then, in the lobby, he had skillfully removed the members of Malone’s gang as silently as possible. It was like an art, and he sure seemed to enjoy doing it, as his mood had turned around.

“How? I mean, how did you get this good?” she asked, one eyebrow raised. They came to a stop in front of an old sleeping bag and a broken soda machine littered with garbage. Next to them, a wide set of stairs descended to the actual station. A few voices floated up to them from below, alerting them to the presence of more guards.

“I’m entirely self-taught. Picked up a rifle when I was ten and never looked back,” he said, voice lowered to just above a whisper. A gloating smirk flashed on his face when he glanced over to her. “I take it you’re impressed?”

“Very.”

“Good. Can’t say I’m not impressed with you either. I was expecting the worst, to be completely honest. But let’s finish dusting these guys, and we can talk more later.”

Between the two of their rifles and a slight height advantage, Alex and MacCready obliterated the remaining thugs that crawled throughout every inch of the station. Shot after shot landed, some in the back of the head, some in the forehead, a few through the eye. She was actually quite proud of one bullet that had managed to enter through the back of a ghoul’s neck, near the base of his skull, and exited through his eye socket. The mangled eyeball was certainly not on her list of things she was dying to see, but her companion offered up a congratulatory high-five as they made their way to the other end of the tunnel. She let him lead this time around, trying to shake off the adrenaline pounding in her ears as she watched the back of his coat glide in front of her.

Across the subway platform, a giant vault door emblazoned with the number 114 sat next to what appeared to be a cave-in. Alex’s jaw dropped as they approached, squinting through the bright construction lights that still surrounded the unfinished vault. The door was sealed tightly shut, though with so many guys hanging out front, Malone’s gang was no doubt hiding inside.

“Damn, never thought we’d find a vault down here,” MacCready said as they wandered up to the platform.

“Neither did I.”

***

To say Alex was surprised by Nick Valentine’s… _appearance_ was a bit of an understatement. The suave, tanned detective image she had so carefully constructed in her mind was completely thrown out the window as she stared at the synthetic man standing before her. One thin metal hand gently clasped a lit cigarette, though she wondered why the hell he would need to smoke. She assumed it was either out of some odd habit programmed to make him look more human, or he actually had mechanical lungs. Either way, it sort of creeped her out, and not because she was afraid of the Institute like so many others in the Commonwealth.

Still, he may have been her only hope. In any case, she followed him through the maze of darkened vault corridors and collapsed rooms, just barely trusting him to get them out of there. His voice was probably the only thing she didn’t find to be unexpected and she listened to him intently as he described the events that had led him to the vault. Maybe it was because he had a cliché, TV personality voice that brought her back to memories of her old life. For a split second, she turned her head to ask MacCready if he agreed about the TV thing, but then she abruptly shut her mouth as she remembered, _again_ , that it had been over 200 years.

Suddenly they found themselves at the end of a corridor, blocked by a locked door. It must have been the entrance corridor, judging by the terminal and boxes of vault suits laying around the room. Alex wondered if any people had been placed in this vault when the bombs dropped, and then she realized she hadn’t seen any cryopods like in Vault 111.

“Skinny’s name is… ironic, but don’t let that fool you. He’s dangerous,” came the cool, slightly metallic voice on the opposite end of the room. Valentine had crouched down to work on the lock. “Keep your weapons drawn. I hear big, fat footsteps on the other side of this door.”

Once unlocked, the door automatically slid upwards to reveal a group of gang members wielding baseball bats and machine guns, all aimed right at them. In the center of the room stood a large man in a tuxedo, holding a machine gun of his own. A woman in a slinky dress and heels clung to his arm, casually swinging a blue bat in her free hand. Nothing about the scene they had just walked into was about to go down easily and Alex held her breath as all three of them spread out, at the very least hoping to get a couple good angles from where they had been pinned. On her right, MacCready seemed to be holding his breath as well, as he aimed a pistol at a guard’s head. Nick had better not fuck this up.

“Nicky! What are you doing? You come into my house, shoot up my guys, and then just try to walk out? You know how much this is gonna set me back?” Malone shouted, holding his ground. The gun in his hand wavered a bit, but stayed loosely aimed on Valentine.

“I wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for your two-timing dame, Skinny,” Nick said, still cool and calm despite the guns pointed at him. Any moment now, they would rip him to shreds.

“Aw, ashamed you got beat up by a girl, Valentine? I'll just run home to daddy, shall I?” Malone’s girlfriend, Darla, teased. Alex’s lip curled at the sound of her voice; she already hated the snotty bitch.

“Shoulda left it alone, Nicky. Down here, I'm king of the castle, you got that? And I'm not letting some private dick shut us down now that I got a good thing goin’!”

“I told you we should have just _KILLED HIM_!” Darla screeched, her shrill voice echoing painfully in the metal walls of the vault. “But then you had to go and get all… _sentimental_. Look where that got us!”

“Darla, I'm handlin’ this! Skinny Malone’s always in charge down here, got it?” Malone’s face had grown red at her interjection and he turned toward her, losing his aim on Nick.

“Oh, yeah? Then what’re these two doing here, huh?” she screamed back, pointing the bat at Alex and MacCready. “Valentine must have brought them here to rub us all out!”

Alex smirked and glanced back to Darla, imagining a bullet exploding her eye. “That wasn't the plan originally, but hey, it's tempting.”

“Come on, let’s pop their heads off while they're screwing around,” MacCready whispered in her ear. She shook her head, unsure of whether they should save Darla or leave her, just for being annoying.

“Hey, you got something to say, say it to _me_ ,” Malone said, suddenly pointing his gun at Alex. His finger twitched dangerously close to the trigger.

‘Holy. _Fuck.’_

Her mouth suddenly ran dry and the sweaty grip she had on her revolver grew weak as she stared down the barrel of a loaded machine gun. She had seen what raiders did to people when armed with one of those things and she was desperate to not let it happen to her. Despite agreeing with MacCready’s… violent tactics, Alex chose her words carefully. The movies had taught her well what mobsters would do if you said the wrong thing at the wrong time. “Look, we just came looking for Darla. Let us leave here with Nick, and you can keep her. Nobody else has to get hurt. Not us, and not any of your guys, or you. Deal?”

Malone seemed to think about it for a second, lowering his gun. “Fine. But I'm only gonna give you three until the count of ten, and then I'm gonna start shooting.”

‘Oh, thank go-‘

“One… two…”

All three of them took off in a wild sprint for the open vault door, much to the thugs’ wicked amusement. Alex practically threw herself down the metal stairs, desperate to get out of there before they filled her with bullets. She and MacCready kept close to Nick’s heels in the dark subway tunnel, kicking dirt and rusty cans all over the place. They all managed to climb up and out of a manhole across the station from the vault door, just as the bullets started to fly.

The sun was beginning to set as Alex scrambled across the alley, collapsing in the corner of a brick building. Her breathing was ragged from all the running and the combat armor on her chest felt like it would crush her. Shaky fingers pulled her canteen from her belt and she gave a heavy sigh.

“Would you look at that Commonwealth sky… Was starting to miss it down there,” Valentine murmured, gazing upwards. Pink and yellow streaks spread all through the clouds, accentuating them against the blue sky.

On the other end of the alley, MacCready spat at the concrete and ran a hand through his hair, his back turned to them both. His shoulders seemed tense, though she couldn’t possibly tell if he was shaken up or just angry again, at least not from where she was crouched. He was a merc, so surely he was used to things like that, right? Maybe he was just trying to act tough after their mad dash through the subway.

“It’s getting late. I know you said it’s urgent, but we should head back to Diamond City first and talk later,” Nick said, looking down at Alex. His eyes were yellow. She had thought it was just the ugly fluorescent lighting in the vault, but now she could see that they really were yellow. “Are you alright to start moving, kid?”

“Not a kid. But yeah, I’m alright.” She glanced back at MacCready. Was he scowling at her? No, it was dark in the alley and she couldn't really see his face. It was nothing. “Let’s hurry. I can’t see very well at night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This part of the story with Nick is actually split into two chapters, so he'll still be around in Ch6. Yay!


	6. Puzzles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex learns the name of her son's kidnapper and discovers where her son may have ended up, but she snaps when MacCready asks all the wrong questions.

**-Alex-**

The steel door of the detective agency rattled shut behind Alex, blocking out the cold night air. They had made it back to Diamond City a little after dark, much to MacCready’s annoyance. He’d practically had to drag her through the streets while her eyes just stared blankly at everything around, showing her nothing but faint shadows and outlines. Nick tried to help occasionally but her muscles would usually tense as she became more and more uncomfortable with him being so close. Guilt tripped her up a bit when she watched his glowing eyes flick to the ground at her feet, releasing her wrist for the last time. Even though she hardly knew MacCready any better, she preferred a flesh-and-blood human to assist her.

“Nick?” The secretary’s voice wafted down the hall of the little agency and footsteps clicked up the wooden floor. They grew faster as she must have seen who had walked in. “Nick! It's you! You're back!”

“Ellie! Glad to see you didn't run out on me,” he said as they embraced, perhaps for a bit longer than usual. Ellie was breathless and looked absolutely ecstatic as she stepped away from him. “I heard from our new friend here that you sent her to find me. We were just talking about it and we both agree that you deserve a raise.”

“Oh, Nick…” Ellie let her hand fall from his arm and then stepped toward a filing cabinet. She produced a small pouch from the top drawer and turned toward Alex, holding it out for her to take. “Here. I know an amount wasn't on the table, but what you did… Well, let's just say this is the least I can do. Thank you for bringing Nick home safe, and for saving my job.”

Alex reached out and gingerly took the caps pouch. “I appreciate it. And I'm also glad I was able to find Nick. Thanks for helping me.” They smiled at each other for a moment until Nick broke their silence.

“Alright, let's get down to business. Take a seat,” he said, waving a skeletal hand at the chair in front of the desk. He took a seat himself and flipped open an empty folder, which was immediately filled with a few sheets of paper. Ellie also took out a pen and a notebook, probably to transcribe their conversation.

Once seated, Alex dug a small, leather notebook from inside her pack and flipped it open. She set it on the desk and turned it around, revealing a sketch of the man she had watched kidnap her son. It clearly showed his bald head, the long scar over his cheek, and the lines of his face, though she had to guess on some things because of the low lighting in the vault. It had been drawn from her memory, the one replayed back to her at the Memory Den, but it was fairly accurate. She kept a close eye on Nick’s face, hoping to see a spark of recognition.

She was in luck.

“Kellogg. From what I remember, he's a dangerous mercenary, known all over the Commonwealth for taking some of the most daring jobs out there. In fact, he was living here up until just recently. Had a kid with him, too.” Nick glanced over at her face. “Didn't you say you were looking for a missing boy?”

“Yes, my son. How long were they here? Do you know where they went?” Alex asked, struggling to keep her composure. That sick bastard had kidnapped her son to do… what? Play _house_?! “Look, he's just a baby, a-and he's really sic-“

“Oh, the kid with him wasn't a baby. Looked to be about 10 years old the time or two I saw him out in the market. But Kellogg could be involved in some sort of child trafficking ring that picked up your son. There’s a known group south of here, but I’m not sure of their exact location yet,” Nick said, his voice growing sympathetic. “When did this happen? And where? These are some important details we’re leaving out. Just tell me everything you can remember.”

“He- we were in a vault. Vault 111. They had us stored in these cryopod things, we were frozen a long time ago. The day of the… the bombs. I don't know when, but we were unfrozen at some point, and then this guy came in with some scientists, I guess. They were wearing hazmat looking suits all covered in tubes and I couldn't see their faces. He told Nate to give him the baby, and then shoved a gun in his face and shot him,” she said. Her voice wavered a bit and she could feel her breath catching in her throat. “He came over to my pod, but didn’t open it, and said something about me being a ‘backup.’ Then they disappeared with my son, and I didn't wake up again until two or three weeks ago.”

“Who is Nate? Is that your-“

“My husband. _Ex_ -husband now.”

“I'm sorry, losing a spouse is never an easy thing to go through,” Nick said, giving her hand a little squeeze. His face didn't show much emotion, but his voice told her plenty. She pulled her hand away, folding them in her lap.

“Don't apologize. I'm not upset about him rotting down there,” she said, frowning. Her voice was hard and made it clear she didn't want to talk about him. His sympathy over her husband was the last thing she wanted.  “I need to find my son, Shaun. That's all I care about.”

MacCready had been quietly hovering in the background during their exchange, but now he crossed his arms over his chest and glanced at Alex from beneath the brim of his hat. She noticed him out of the corner of her eye, though she couldn't imagine what she had done to annoy him this time. Hell, she wasn't even talking to him! If he didn't like what she had to say to Nick, then she figured he could leave anytime he liked. She thought about telling him so, but she kept her mouth shut.

“I'll find your son, believe me. With everything you've told me, and knowing Kellogg pulled this job off, his employer must have had real reason to nab your kid. This wasn't random. And I think I know just who’s behind this,” Nick said as he jotted down a few notes. His voice had changed and was no longer sympathetic, but slightly confident. “Have you ever heard of the Institute?”

“Is that what everyone around here is always going on about? Something about… synths and body snatching?”

“Yes. The Institute is the boogeyman of the Commonwealth. Well known for replacing people with synths, artificial people like me. Well, not exactly like me, I suppose. Synths these days are indistinguishable from real people, including the people they were meant to replace. I'm some sort of prototype, I guess you could say, but they haven't had any use for me in some time. Now, I’m not sure what they want with your son, but I guess that’s just another piece of this puzzle.”

Alex thought it over for a few moments, weighing what to ask next. Everyone remained silent while she chewed her lip and stared into space. She went with what she thought was most predictable, saving the rest for later. “So, you can get me in, right?”

“Into the Institute? No, I may be a synth, but I don't know any more than you do. They're secretive. Nobody even knows where they are, or how to get in or out,” he replied, shaking his head. “Except, if Kellogg was working closely with them, he may have known something. It will be dangerous, but you need to find him and hopefully figure out what he knows. He may even still have Shaun with him, though it's doubtful.”

‘A lot easier said than done,’ she thought, falling back in her chair with a heavy sigh. ‘At least you know his name now.’

Before she could ask any more questions, Valentine closed the new case file and tucked it into the drawer with a few others. Then he stepped around the desk, grabbing a few boxes of ammo and a pack of cigarettes as he went, and stopped beside her. There was a very tiny whirring she could hear coming from somewhere in his mechanics, but it was so subtle she doubted anyone ever noticed. She briefly wondered if Myrna had been the one to rip his hand apart. Or his face, now that she noticed the holes.

“We can start by searching Kellogg’s house for clues. He left town in a hurry one night, so there's bound to be something he left. Come on, I’ll lead the way.”

Nick led the pair back into the night, ushering them toward the west side of the stadium. MacCready’s footsteps could be heard clicking against the wood and random bits of steel a few paces behind her. Again Alex’s eyes showed her hardly anything but darkness as she struggled to keep up. Two guards passed them going the opposite direction and she pressed herself against the wall at the sounds of their voices, scared she would run into them by accident. A few loose boards tripped her up further along but she managed to catch herself from falling on her face just in time. At the end of the alleyway, MacCready finally stepped to her side and grabbed her by the elbow to guide her to a set of metal stairs. He was a little rough and she threw him a look.

“What are y-“

He glared at her, a look of deep disgust written plainly on his face. Whatever was bothering him, he couldn't keep it from bubbling to the surface now. “How the hell could you talk about your _husband_ like that? As if he was just going to be thrown out with the trash?! I mean, you actually sat there with a straight face and told Nick you don't care about him! That man loved you, and you don't give a damn!”

Alex stood frozen on the steps above him, her heart stopped and a breath caught painfully in her throat. She looked down, her glazed over eyes staring right through his angry face. For a second, it looked as though she might burst into tears, but then she wrenched her arm from his grip and felt the boiling heat rise up inside of her. Her breathing shook and one hand reached out, desperate to steady her against the railing as she trembled. He nearly spoke out again and she opened her mouth to cut him off, though she had no idea what was about to come out.

“You wanna know how the hell I can talk about him that way? That _man_ **_took me_** from my family, **_raped_** me, _handcuffed_ me to his bed, left me in a closet for a **_week_** , and _forced_ me to have his _fucking **baby**_ , something I _never_ wanted, and despite every single doctor telling us that I would not survive,” Alex growled, jabbing a finger at him. The words flowed from her mouth, lashing out at him like fire. “Now _you_ fucking tell me if that **_bastard_** belongs in the garbage or not!”

All the emotions she had bottled up since her escape came rushing to her mind, forcing hot tears to well up in her eyes as she collapsed on the metal stairs. Her whole body shook around each ragged, searing breath and she buried her face in her hands, unable to see if anybody had stopped to stare. Hundreds of memories flooded her brain, just like they had before, and she struggled to stay afloat and remember who and where she was. There was too much all at once and it felt like escaping the vault again, except this time she never really thawed out and stumbled through the corridors with stiff, uncooperative limbs. When she finally did look up at his face, wondering if he was even still there after her outburst, she suddenly wanted very badly to sink through the steps beneath her and disappear into the mud.

‘Oh shit, did you need to yell at him like that? He didn't know, and now you went and ripped him apart! Fuck, now he's never going to speak to you again!’

MacCready rubbed a hand on the back of his neck as his cheeks burned a bright red and he sighed quietly. He started to reach out for her arm or her shoulder, but seemed to stop himself before he could get too close. “I'm really sorry,” he stuttered. “I had no idea and- Crap, I- I'm sorry…”

“You didn't know. It's fine,” she breathed, finally standing on shaky legs. Valentine would be coming for them any minute if they didn't hurry up. Had he even gone up these stairs, or did MacCready lead her away to talk? “Let's finish doing this and then we can go to the Dugout. I'm really tired. I just want to sleep.”

“If you don't want me to stick around… I understand. I'll go.”

“No, I need you to stay. Please don't leave.”

They stared at each other, lingering awkwardly in the silence. Alex willed him to say something, anything! She was so desperate for him to speak and bring her back to the reality she was slowly slipping away from that he could have told her he was leaving and she would have been fine with it. Just. Something.

“I'll help you look for clues, then. Whatever you need, boss,” he whispered, placing a hand on her arm again to guide her up the steps. He was much gentler with her this time and she stayed close to his side. “This may be stupid of me to ask now, but… when you were talking to Valentine earlier, you told him your son was just a baby and then you started to say something else, but he cut you off. What were you going to say?”

They had reached the top of the steps and on the other end of the platform, she could just barely make out Nick working diligently on the lock. Alex thought about the question for a moment, deciding whether she should answer and wondering why he even cared. He hadn't seemed at all interested in her personal business before and had shied away from any conversation involving it as they chatted over meals or drinks. But now… Maybe he was trying to make amends somehow. She turned to face him, though in the dark she couldn't actually see him, and began searching for a light on her Pip-Boy. There was one after all and the green light flickered on with a deep buzz.

“Shaun is sick. I have a disease, a nerve disease, that I was born with and passed on to him,” she said, talking slowly. She didn't meet his eyes. “I knew that would happen and I told myself I wouldn't have kids so they wouldn't ever have to deal with this. But he needs medical care an-”

“Stop, stop. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you more,” he said. In the greenish light, she could see that his eyes were sad. “Let's search this place and I'll take you to the inn. You deserve some sleep.”

**-MacCready-**

It took all of five minutes for her to pass out, sprawled across the mattress just like before, except this time she wasn't drunk. MacCready made himself comfortable on the couch while he watched the slow rise and fall of her chest as she slept. He was a little bit jealous of her ability to fall asleep so quickly. There had been two rooms open this time, but when they got to the Dugout, she had begged him to share her room. Something about not wanting to be left alone. She had even offered up the bed, though he refused and camped out on the couch instead. ‘What a gentleman,’ she’d said, though he couldn’t tell if it was sarcastic or not. He didn’t mind. She needed the bed more. Besides, the thin mattress wasn't much more comfortable than the couch. Probably fewer stains, though.

His mind wandered back to their earlier conversation and he bit his lip when he remembered the first bit and what he had said to her. ‘God, what a dumbass move. She's my boss, need to keep my mouth shut. Lucky she didn't fire me on the spot.’

He’d been pissed off at her all day, starting with one of the very first things out of her mouth, and then it had seemed like every little thing she was doing was just to annoy him. She doubted him at the Common, then rushed out in front of a thug in the vault and almost got them both shot, and then she completely ignored him on the way out and he didn't get to shoot anybody. And then… shit, and then she asked him, googly eyes and all, to help her walk through the dark. Well, maybe the googly eyes actually weren't her fault, and it was just that she couldn't see. Whatever. But she didn't at all deserve those fucking comments he spat at her.

‘I mean, what the hell was I thinking?’

A fresh little wave of guilt hit him as he remembered what she’d said back, and he _knew_ she was telling the goddamn truth. Not only that, but he got the feeling she had only given him a small part of what she had been through, like just the highlights of everything her scumbag husband had done. And yeah, he thought that guy was a scumbag. Sounded like he would fit in with the Gunners any day.

But then… well, he honestly had no idea what she meant when she said that she needed him. It sounded like a plea for help, not like she just wanted him to stick around as an extra gun. Her husband really screwed her up, he guessed. He glanced over at her, suddenly hoping she didn't mean that she needed him _that_ way, but then again she hadn't made any weird moves. So he was probably safe.

It was the very last thing she’d said, though, that he really focused on. When she said that… He wanted to hear more, like he was practically desperate to relate with her on that _one thing_ over everything else, but then she got all teary-eyed. He did, too. A little bit. Tiny bit. But it was dark even with the shitty Pip-Boy light that she had finally figured out and he knew she probably couldn't see. He'd told her to stop and she did. Kinda flinched, too, now that he thought about it. The whole time, her eyes were still a bit glazed over, like she wasn't really there. She had been super spaced out in Kellogg’s house, just taking stuff down and putting it back without even looking at it. At one point he thought she had died standing up. It was weird.

Nick noticed, too, because he started watching her a lot more closely. He also gave MacCready a dirty look, either because he’d overheard the conversation or because he just assumed it was the asshole mercenary’s fault. Either way, the guy had been right. It was entirely his fault. It was always his fault.

His thoughts eventually circled all the way back to Lucy, and then to Duncan, just like they always did right before he fell asleep. It had been a little while since he had gotten the last letter from his son, nearly a whole month instead of the usual week and a half, but Wil had noted last time that he had been sleeping a lot more. MacCready had no idea what that meant for Duncan, but he had sent extra caps back on the caravan to pay for another doctor, one who could hopefully set up an IV or something to keep his son going a little longer. He'd need to get back to Goodneighbor sometime and ask Daisy if there was any more word. At the same time, though, he dreaded getting a new letter from her. Any day now and it could be a letter telling him that Duncan hadn't made it another night. He didn't know how he was going to handle that if it ever happened, but he had a couple ideas.

Actually, just one very permanent idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Alex will soon be home in the bunker with a warm blanket and a snack to make up for all the trouble I'm putting her through! Let's just hope she can get over her fear of robots to make up with Nick soon.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Chapters are posted every Tue/Fri until further notice!


	7. Waiting on a Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and MacCready are Sanctuary-bound to pick up Dogmeat, but Alex is finding her thoughts less and less occupied by her son and ex-husband. Instead, they've begun revolving around a particular mercenary that would probably not be happy to know about it.

**-Alex-**

Warm fire crackled in the stew pot they had been lucky to find in a nearby diner just as the sun began to set. The huge pot kept the flames contained as they huddled close to it in a rusted, dirty bus just north of Cambridge. They had barred the door shut, prayed that the dirt-caked windows would block the light, and now they sat across from each other near the back, listening quietly to the heavy rain pound on the metal roof. There had been no signs of life around when they had first taken shelter and Alex begged for it to stay that way. They’d had far too many ferals and mutants on their heels since stepping out of Diamond City. She hoped the cold and the rain would keep at least some of them away.

Sitting cross-legged on the floor, with his back against one of the partially destroyed bench seats, MacCready balled up another candy wrapper and tossed it aside. There was now a fairly impressive pile of four or five wrappers and two empty soda bottles. He closed his eyes and sighed as he tossed his head back. Alex glanced his way, wondering how in the hell he could stand to eat that much candy at once.

“I told you if you're hungry, I have food. I don't mind sharing,” she said before taking a sip of water.

He looked at her, and then at the wrapper pile on the dusty floor, and shrugged. “I've got plenty of those. I won't starve.”

“MacCready, you need _food._ Here,” she said, annoyed with him. The boxed steak she was heating up was gingerly removed from the top of the pot and she held it out for him. The plastic tray burned her fingers and she mouthed a little ‘Ow.’ “Eat it, please.”

It wasn’t so surprising when he took it from her without an argument and scarfed half of it down before pausing to crack open another soda. She briefly wondered how often he subsisted on candy instead of real food (if you could call a 200-year-old steak ‘real’ food) and then decided it was probably far more often than she would continue to allow. Sure, she wasn't obligated to look after him, but she definitely wouldn't let him go hungry if she could help it. He needed to eat if he was going to do his job, after all. Alex plucked a couple of silt bean pods off the fire as he ate up the last few bites of steak.

“Did you get enough? I have some more carrots if you're still hungry.” She pulled a couple big carrots out of her pack, brushing a bit of dirt off them. Then she tossed them in place of the silt beans when he nodded his head.

MacCready mumbled another ‘thank you’ and greedily accepted the carrots she offered him once they had finished cooking. The veggies disappeared far sooner than her own beans and reheated steak, but he finally seemed to have eaten enough as he settled against the bench. Alex hoped now that he wouldn't be grumpy, especially with what she had been itching to ask about all day. A long stretch of silence fell between them as she worked up the courage to say something.

“Um… I wanted to apologize for last night. That wasn’t right of me to-“

“Why are you apologizing? If anybody needs to apologize, it's me. It wasn't my place to ask you about Nate and I should have just kept my big mouth shut,” he countered, cutting her off mid-sentence. The look on his face suggested he was struggling to soften the glare he gave her. “I'm just… I'm sorry. Okay?”

Alex shook her head, looking down at her hands clasped tightly in her lap. “Maybe so, but I could have reacted better. There was no need for me to yell at you like that and I feel bad.”

“What's done is done. Why are you bringing it up again? Do you want me to go?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“No, I told you already, I need you to stay. I just wanted to… I dunno, get that out of the way before I asked…” Alex trailed off, biting her lip. ‘He’s gonna bite your head off over this!’ “Was there something else I did that pissed you off? You seem like you've been upset with me the past two days, and if I did something wrong, I want to know what.”

“Why does it matter?”

“W-well, you were nice to me a couple days back and cut me a deal, and so if we’re going to keep traveling around together, I want us to actually get along, you know?” she said. Her voice was small, but he could still hear her just fine over the crackling fire and the rain still clattering on the roof. “I don't make friends very easi-“

“I wasn't trying to be ni- Okay, yeah, I was trying to be nice. Alright. But I already told you, I don't need a new friend.” MacCready sighed and spent a few seconds trying to calm himself. He looked up at her from underneath his hat, just like he had that first night when he caught her staring at the half-empty bottle in his lap. “I think we’d get along better if you'd start listening to me more often.”

A gust of wind rattled the windows as Alex’s brows drew together and her lip pouted. She tried to think of when he had told her something and she failed to do what he asked, but her mind came up blank. “When?”

“Oh, I don't know, maybe when I told you to stay in our cover and you darted out like an idiot into the arms of some thug, or that other time when I told you to blow Malone’s brains out but you decided to do the exact opposite and make us all look like cowards?” he spat at her, his tone just as harsh as it had been the night before. The fire popped loudly between them and he scowled at it as if it had interrupted their conversation.

‘What the _fuck_ did I _tell you_?! Shoulda left it alone, moron!’

“You're upset over two fairly insignificant decisions? First of all, I couldn't hear you over all the shouting in that tunnel, and second, I still blew that guy across the tracks in one shot. And as for the shit with Malone, there was no cover, we were cornered, _and_ we were outnumbered six to three. I would rather walk out with my tail between my legs than have it blown off!” she argued quietly, her tone almost matching his. The only difference was the slight wobble of her voice, the hesitation in her argument. It was clear she wasn’t used to arguing. “I'm your boss and if you don't like it, you can walk.”

His eyes widened for a second and he huffed, crossing his arms tighter across his chest. He almost looked like a child throwing a small fit. “You know, I'm just trying to help you _not_ get killed.”

“Then why are you upset about Malone?! I didn't get any of us killed, or even shot!” Alex threw her hands up. She was suddenly worried that he would take her suggestion and walk out, leaving her all alone, and she panicked a bit. “Okay, I agree that jumping up from behind the wall like that was reckless, but I swear I thought he was farther away. Now I know for next time. I’ll be more careful from now on, but at the same time, I don’t want you getting upset with me over a mistake that didn’t get either one of us hurt.”

The rain and wind outside had started to die off and MacCready’s anger seemed to be subsiding with it. He leaned back into the bench and relaxed his arms, letting them fall to his sides. Silence hung between them as they each listened to the rain slow to a gentle patter against the roof and then to nothing. Eventually he tossed a couple random sticks into the fire and they both watched as it grew a tiny bit. With a sigh, he plucked the hat from his head and ran a hand through his hair.

“Good to know you're actually thinking things through, and not always relying on a knee-jerk reaction. I told you before, but I _am_ impressed with you, for a vault dweller,” he mumbled, staring at the glowing pot. “You're a good shot and smart, at that. I'm glad to be on your side, boss.”

“Thanks. I'm… really happy you feel that way. And even though I'm supposed to be leading, I don't mind if you want to make decisions,” she said, wrapping her arms around her knees. Relief spread through her as she studied him. “Just, maybe don't start shooting if we’re cornered.”

He smirked. “Alright, boss. If you say so.”

Alex chewed the inside of her cheek as her eyes drifted back to the fire, mesmerized by the orange light. She’d always thought it was beautiful, especially on rainy nights like this. The silence was starting to get to her after a couple long minutes, though. MacCready had advised against turning on the radio when they first barricaded themselves inside the bus, but now that the rain had stopped, any sounds outside could be heard loud and clear. She bit her lip and picked up the Pip-Boy, carefully tuning it to the only real station around, Diamond City Radio. The music was quiet and filled with static, and Travis, the DJ, was as squeaky and anxious as ever. He relayed some story about Nick Valentine being back in town, thanks to her, and then put on the next song. It was one that she immediately recognized, though with such a small selection of tracks, she was certain that she would recognize them all one day.

“I know you said before that you didn’t want to talk about personal stuff, but what were you talking about with Vadim and Yefim the other day? You’ve seemed sad a lot since then. And then last night, when I woke up in the middle of the night, you were mumbling something about a woman,” Alex said, holding her breath as she waited for an answer.

MacCready’s eyes shot up to meet hers, but this time he didn’t look angry or annoyed with her. This time, she could have sworn that he would tell her what she wanted to know. There was something about his expression that said he was starting to trust her. But she was wrong, yet again. “It’s nothing you need to be concerned about, alright? I left some people behind to be here, that’s all.”

“I mean, I really don’t mind if you wanna talk about it. I’m good at listening…” She shrugged, picking at the rubber mat on the floor. It was old and cracked and the dry pieces crumbled away in her fingers.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I told you before, I don’t want to get into my personal business any more than I want to get into yours,” he said. His eyes were sad again and he looked away from her. She knew he was trying to hide something.

“You asked me about both my ex and my son.”

He gave a dry chuckle and glanced toward the window beside him. “The sh- _crap_ I asked about your ex-husband was because it struck a nerve, but it was way out of line. And as for your son, well… I guess you got me there.”

‘Struck a nerve? This kid is barely old enough to be drinking, much less be somehow bothered by your shitty pseudo-marriage with Nate.’

“But I still don’t want to talk about it. Just because you shared doesn’t mean I have to,” he said, sprinkling a couple more dry leaves and sticks into the fire pot. He was actively avoiding her eyes now, she could tell that from a mile away even in the dim light.

“A friendship is a two-way street, you know.”

“Guess it’s a good thing we’re _not_ friends then.”

Alex sighed heavily and then reached into her pack to unfurl a ratty sleeping bag. She obviously wasn’t getting anything out of him that easily and she knew to stop before she made him angry again. MacCready just sat there, staring into the fire again while she arranged herself. The music over the radio was the only thing filling the space between them for a long time. After a while, the rain began to pick up again, the drops clattering on the roof and against the windows, and lightning struck a pole a few blocks away. It went down in a fiery crash, snapping the defunct power lines over the bus. Both of them flinched as the wires scraped against the roof. He finally reached across and flipped the radio off, and the silence that came with it was almost tangible.

Heavy rain continued to pound against the bus until early the following morning and neither of them slept through it.

**-MacCready-**

Sanctuary was… nice. He was just being polite when he’d said it, but Alex hadn’t seemed to notice. She had skipped over the bridge ahead of him and then dropped to her knees to greet the dog. Dogmeat, she called him. What a weird name for a dog. She’d stood and looked over at him, eyes tired from the very little bit of sleep they had both gotten over the past two nights coming up from the city. ‘Come and see the bunker,’ she’d said, leading him to one of the rusted out houses. There was a little hatch in the side room and they both went down to check it out. It was clean, probably the cleanest place he had ever seen in his life, and the shelves and fridge were absolutely packed with food. Plenty of clean water, too.

‘There’s an extra bed you can sleep in back there, a shower in the bathroom, and a workshop in the other room. Plenty of supplies to clean up your guns. And have as much food as you’d like, I don’t mind,’ she’d said as she gave him the tour of the place. He may have been polite earlier, but now he couldn’t lie about how great this shitty little settlement was turning out to be.

She had asked, actually asked permission, to take a nap right after that. He thought about saying no but then couldn’t come up with a good enough reason why he needed her to be awake. Besides, that would have been cruel. He was exhausted, too, but he wasn’t about to take a nap. So he left the bunker and wandered around for a bit, poking his head into the houses to look for some cigarettes. No dice, of course, but he did manage to sneak off with a crate of beers when the settlers weren't looking.

“She’s too damn nice, buddy,” MacCready said, both hands scratching Dogmeat’s neck. The shepherd just flopped his tongue out in response. “I can’t get away from her. Every time I try to walk out, I feel bad, like I should be around to keep her safe or something. I know I don’t owe her anything, but it feels wrong to just ditch her.”

There was a patio set behind one of the houses and he had decided to hang out there for a while, avoiding the others. Sturges and Preston Garvey introduced themselves at the entrance to the place, but the look Garvey shot him was all the warning he needed to stay the hell out of their business. Fine by him. From his spot, he could look out across the river and see the mountains for miles. The sun was just overhead and it glinted off the water, blinding him if he wasn’t careful. Between sips of beer, he surveyed the blasted forest through his binoculars. He was watching for anything, or anyone, that might be coming toward the settlement. So far, he had only taken a couple shots at some bloatflies and the occasional bloodbug.

“What do you think, huh? Think I should just walk out now, before I get in too deep?”

Dogmeat whined and tipped his head to the side, as if to say that MacCready was nuts for wanting to leave. He could practically hear the dog saying ‘No, don’t go! She’s good for you, I promise!’ But that was exactly what he _didn’t_ want. He deserved to be struggling and miserable and…

“Boof!” Dogmeat barked, breaking him out of his thoughts. He sighed and patted the dog on the head again.

“Alright, buddy, if you say so.”

The shepherd reminded him of the dog he’d had as a kid. There were a couple dogs, and even some cats, that lived with them in Little Lamplight, but after rising to the rank of mayor, he was lucky enough to get his own. One of the mutts had given birth to a litter behind Knick Knack’s pile of junk and a few kids had pitched in to help move them to a better spot. MacCready had stepped in to see what all the fuss was about when he noticed one little puppy that had been left behind in all the excitement. The black, furry ball had curled up in his arms, safe and warm. When the puppy grew older, he’d started training her in his free time. The dog never left his side, even when he left Little Lamplight and accidentally got the poor thing shot. He had sat there in the dirt with her for what seemed like hours, watching her blood pool around his knees as he cried.

It was one of the first real times he had grieved for something he loved, but nothing the wasteland dealt him could have prepared him for Lucy. His chest tightened as he thought about them both.

“Hey! Who the hell are you? What are you doing here?”

MacCready jumped at the woman’s voice and turned to look for her, one hand firmly on the pistol on his hip. She was crouched on the other side of the fence, a shitty pipe rifle pointed at him. He scowled when he realized she was probably just another settler coming to see what all the noise was. Fucking idiots.

“I’m here with Alex. No need to get jumpy, lady.” He watched her continue to stare, refusing to lower her weapon. “Hey, I won’t shoot unless you do.”

“How do I know you’re really with her? She’s gone right now, isn’t she?” the woman said, crunching some leaves under her boots. Her eyes darted back and forth across his face. She was way too terrified to shoot straight.

“Look, I would go get her, but she’s busy. Go ask that Sturges guy, or Garvey. Or, hell, just shoot me if you really want to, but I’m only going to warn you once that I’ll be the only one to walk away from here,” he spat back, pulling his rifle up in his lap. That seemed to finally get through to her, because she rolled her eyes and lowered her gun.

“Fine, I’ll believe you. But you’re an asshole,” she said before finally stomping off.

‘Oh, _I’m_ the asshole? Unbe-fucking-lievable.’

“Thank you, I’m so enlightened!” he shouted sarcastically, hopefully loud enough for that bitch to hear it. He wondered where in the world Alex had found her and if she was any nicer to his boss. Probably not.

“You’re not gonna protect me from the big, bad witch, buddy?” he asked softly, looking down at Dogmeat. The dog had simply laid at his feet the whole time, not even propping an ear. Must have been regular behavior from her. “Well fine, I’ll just take care of everything myself.”

The empty bottle got tossed into the growing pile as he slid down in the metal chair. He pulled another beer out of the crate and pocketed the cap, knowing he was going to be pretty tipsy by the time Alex woke up. She’d said she wanted to relax here for a bit, though. Something about needing to rest for a few days and to stock up on medication. He had no idea what ‘medication’ she took. The first time he had watched her pull out the bottle, with a label suspiciously similar to the Med-X one, he wanted to scold her. But he bit his tongue, knowing it wasn’t his business, when she said it wasn’t chems. Then she took them with this air of… he didn’t even know how to describe it. Clinical routine? It was the way the doctor had administered medicine to Duncan every morning and evening when he first got sick. Not like how…

No, he didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to remember that about her. It was wrong.

Anyway, he didn’t really care right then if he got drunk in the middle of the day. They were staying in Sanctuary, in a locked little bunker underground, so he decided he could get as drunk as he’d like to and stay that way for the entire week. It sure sounded like a good plan, so long as the booze didn’t run out.

**-Alex-**

“I heard you met Marcy,” Alex said, watching MacCready saunter down the stairs into the bunker. His footsteps echoed through the concrete room, almost making it sound as if he was a whole group of people. “I hope she didn’t give you too much trouble. She said you pulled a gun on her, but I doubted that was the whole story.”

“Who?” He stood there for a moment, his mind struggling to keep pace with her. Then he raised both brows and kept moving toward the small kitchenette. “Oh. Yeah. Yeah, we met. She pulled a gun on me first, I just warned her that I’d be the only person leaving _that_ firefight.”

She laughed as she turned back to the stove and dipped a spoon into the stew she was making. The smell of the vegetables and radstag meat wafted deliciously throughout the bunker. “Marcy is cautious, but she’s mostly harmless. Doesn't know how to hold a rifle and can't shoot worth a damn. I told her you were with me, so she should be less likely to pull a gun on you the next time you see her.”

“Less likely, huh?” he said as he leaned against the kitchen counter. Alex glanced over at him, noticing how loose he seemed to be now. Not that she minded it at all. “I suppose I'll be less likely to blow her brains out, then.”

“Have you been drinking?” she asked. The spoon tapped against the side of the pot, echoing again.

“Why yes, I have been drinking. Thank you for noticing.”

“And you didn’t invite me?” Alex pouted at him and then laughed as she stepped over to the radio. The volume went up, filling the room with music. “I’m just kidding. But I am a little disappointed I’m, what, maybe three or four beers behind you now?”

MacCready rolled his eyes as he held up eight fingers. “You gotta lot of catchin’ up to do, sweetheart.”

“Eight?! How long was I sleeping? I thought I was only out barely two hours.”

“You were. I started a few minutes after I went outside, finished the eighth one on the way in here, and now I’m on number nine,” he said, pulling another two bottles from the fridge. They were cool, not cold, but it was better than a warm beer. “Better hurry up.”

“Slow down! Don’t you know it’s only three in the afternoon?” she teased, taking the bottle he offered her. Once it was cracked open and he had stolen her cap, she pointed at the pot simmering on the stove. “This should be ready in another hour. I hope you’re hungry.”

“If it tastes as good as it smells, then yeah, I can be hungry.”

Alex stepped to the couch and flopped down on it with a heavy sigh. It was so comfortable compared to all the crappy, broken couches she had found throughout the Commonwealth. The bed down here was comfy and warm, too. The bunker really had been secure, she guessed, since nothing had seemed to age over the years. Even the boxes of snacks were in the same condition as the day they were bought and none of the cans of water had rusted. Only the shower needed some tweaking done to the water heater, but she'd gotten Sturges to help her look at that a while ago.

Sure, the plain concrete rooms weren't very inviting. But it was a safe place to stay and it was familiar. That was what mattered.

She took a long swig of beer and then patted the cushion next to her, eyes on MacCready. Alex had gotten it in her mind that she was going to get friendly with him if it killed her, mostly because she was desperately lonely. No amount of pushing her away would stop her. He obeyed the request, sitting quietly on the couch beside her while she pulled her legs up and got comfortable. Another song ended and Travis came back on the air, stuttering and squeaking his way through an advertisement for Myrna’s store. They chatted for a while between songs and drinks and by the time the stew was ready, both of them were rolling on the couch in uproarious laughter. He had one arm wrapped around her shoulders, his free hand hooked into a goofy claw, and one eye squeezed shut in some terrible pirate impression.

“Yo ho, mateys! Hoist the sail and weigh anchor!” he shouted, accent and all. “We’re off to scour the high seas for me stolen booty! Yarr!”

“Oh my god, _shut up_!” Alex giggled, pushing him away. He separated himself from her and fell back on the couch, practically crying through his boisterous laughter. “I think you've seen one too many god-awful pirate movies.”

“Mayhap’s thar be found a better one, at the bottom of me buried treasure chest!” MacCready was wheezing by then, unable to catch a breath between his antics. He curled up with a snickering groan, both hands wrapped around his middle.

“You'd better stop talking trash before Ironsides catches wind and treats you to a complimentary missile to the face,” she said, only half-joking. If that stupid bot knew who she was just by looking at her, it probably wasn't far-fetched to assume it knew they were making fun of it. But maybe that was the alcohol talking.

MacCready just broke out into fresh laughter, still clutching his stomach. It didn't take long for his giggles to turn into a hacking cough and Alex turned around to see him hunched over his knees, coughing and sputtering at the floor.

“Don't throw up on my rug! We’re about to have dinner!”

His eyes were still crinkled into a smile but he’d clapped a hand over his mouth, probably just to stifle his laughter. She could still hear a couple low snickers coming from him as she walked back into the kitchen. The pot was stirred one last time and then she flipped the burner off before picking out two bowls from the shelf. They were her favorite, a pretty baby blue and much larger than most dinner bowls. Each was filled with a generous amount of food and then she gingerly placed them on the table with some spoons.

“Well, come on! It won't stay hot all night,” Alex said as she grabbed two more beers out of the fridge. Her giggly companion probably didn't need another drink, but she figured after more than a dozen beers and plenty of food that he would pass out somewhere. Both caps slipped into her pocket as she set the bottles down.

“What did you put in this? It's a- _mazing_ ,” MacCready said, his spoon soon scraping the bottom of his bowl. He glanced up at her with a wonderfully contented look in his eyes. “I want to know your secret.”

Well, the stew was good, but she hadn't expected it to be _that_ good. She was flattered by the compliment and smiled sweetly. “Just a couple herbs and some good broth, nothing too fancy. If you want seconds, there's more than enough left over.”

It wasn't necessarily a bad thing that Alex had forgotten to leave some tupperware in the bunker, because MacCready happily devoured all of her leftovers. There was hardly a word out of him as he ate bite after bite. She sat across from him the whole time with her chin in her hand, the smile on her face growing bigger and warmer as she watched. Eventually he pushed his empty bowl away and stretched against the back of the chair.

‘Damn, that boy can eat,’ she thought as she cleared the table. Everything went into the sink to soak and she was glad there was no need to pack up leftovers.

“And, uh, here's… uh, _Right Behind You, Baby_ by Ray Smith. Kinda creepy if you ask me, heh…” Travis’s voice floated into the room from beside the couch and then several drawn out seconds of static went by before anything happened.

_“Well, you can run like a rabbit, fly like a bee – No matter what you do you'll never get away from me – Because I'm right behind you baby-“_

“Oh, I love this song,” MacCready breathed, suddenly stepping up, well, right behind her. He took her hands as soon as she let the bowls go into the sink and spun her around to face him. “Let's dance!”

She awkwardly tried her best to keep up with him as he pulled her closer to the radio. He moved quickly in time with the music, but when she couldn’t keep up with his footwork, he just started rocking their arms back and forth with a goofy smile on his face.

“You don’t like dancing, do you?” he asked, almost sounding disappointed.

“I’m just… not fast enough,” Alex mumbled, moving closer to him to hide her face. He laughed softly and let go of one of her hands to wrap his arm around her waist instead. It was an entirely unexpected move, even as drunk as they both were, and she gasped.

“Well, let’s see what plays next. You may get lucky.”

_“I’m right behind you baby – You’re never gonna get away.”_

_“…”_

_“Maybe you’ll think of me when you are all alone –“_

“Ah, there you go…” he murmured, slowly circling the rug with her. As they danced, he hummed along to the tune and Alex found herself sighing into his chest. He smelled like alcohol and cigarettes and a smoky fire and a little bit like sweat, but in a good way that had her secretly breathing him in as he held her close. Something about that moment suddenly made her desperate to cling to him, to not let go, yet she had no clue why. There were no feelings for him, at least not any she could identify. And she was pretty sure he didn’t have feelings for her, either.

_“Maybe you’ll sit and sigh, wishing that I were near – Then maybe you’ll ask me to come back again – And maybe I’ll say ‘maybe’…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm so glad it's finally warming up in here! Of course, they've still got a waaaaays to go. 
> 
> Updates posted every Tue/Fri!


	8. Some Kind of Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vacay is over... Now the two, plus Dogmeat, are off to hunt down Kellogg and find out what he knows. Unfortunately, they still don't have a lead, but MacCready may have an idea that could point them in the right direction.

**-Alex-**

Had she dreamed up last night? All morning, MacCready had been back to his usual, brooding self, almost completely ignoring her as she picked up around the bunker. There wasn’t anything she wanted to do today, and she’d told him that, and then as soon as he had finished eating breakfast and took a shower, he disappeared into the workshop by himself. Of course, she could still hear him mucking around in there, probably working on his rifle, but he could do that later! She wanted to pick up where they had left off the night before, happy and laughing and enjoying each other’s company. At one point, she peeked through the screen door into the workshop, curious to see what he was up to. He was indeed cleaning his sniper rifle and repairing a crack in the wooden stock, but he had caught her and just glared. She had quickly jumped away, pretending to be cleaning up a shelf behind her.

Now it was past noon and he still hadn’t come out of that damn shop. ‘Men and their… stupid _man-caves_ ,’ she thought, rolling her eyes. This was probably the exact reason Nate had put the damn thing together in the first place; to ignore her. Well then, she figured she would just need to suck it up and go in there. Lunchtime gave her an excellent excuse to bother him. There was no way he was going to turn down a meal she made, not after last night. Right?

Right.

Two brahmin steaks landed in a pan on the stove and she got to work. She seasoned up some Instamash with whatever she could find, hoping that would make it taste a bit better, and then threw some corn on the stove for good measure. It didn’t take long for the yummy smells to fill the bunker and she wished she had started cooking earlier. She was starving! Apparently MacCready was too, because she soon noticed him peeking in through the shelf, biting his lower lip. He looked kind of cute, like a puppy begging for a treat.

“Is it almost ready?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the pan.

“Grab something to drink and sit down. I’m putting it on the plate right now,” Alex said, waving the spatula toward the fridge. While he rummaged through the fridge, she pulled down a pair of plates and divided up their lunch. She set a full plate in front of him and then frowned. “Beer, already? I have some Nukas in there, you know. It’s a little too early to be drinking.”

It didn’t seem to bother him and he shrugged as he took his seat at the table. “Oh well.”

“Seriously? Are you just gonna be drunk the whole week?” she asked, incredulous. They each took a couple bites before he threw his head back and looked over the table at her.

“You had fun last night, didn’t you?”

‘What the hell does that have to do with-‘ Her brow scrunched together and she pursed her lips. “Yeah, we had fun _together_. Don’t need to be drunk to have fun, though.”

“I think that’s where you’re wrong. Especially _you._ You know, you’re always so uptight, like you’ve never had fun in your life. Then you have a couple beers, and you’re fuc- I mean, you’re freakin’ hilarious when you drink. ‘Course, you’re a lot of other things when you’re drunk, too, but that’s beside the point right now,” MacCready said, loosely poking a finger in her direction. He took a swig of beer as she thought it over, a smirk on his face. “I mean, yeah, everyone loosens up when they drink, that’s the point. But you… It’s like the _only time_ you ever let loose.”

She stared at him, her lips tightly pursed to the point they almost weren’t visible. That was probably what he was talking about when he said she was ‘uptight’, but whatever. “What else am I when I’m drunk?”

“Not important,” he said, instantly ducking his head to take another bite of steak. Oh, he was hiding something. Again.

“Tell me! Just tell me! I wanna know!” she shouted, both hands slapping against the table as she laughed quietly.

MacCready snorted and cocked an eyebrow as he watched her. “It’s… You’re kinda cute, the way you talk, and your eyes get like-“ He raised a hand as if to demonstrate, but then waved it off and shook his head. “I’m not gonna say anything else, alright?”

Her eyes narrowed as she stared at him, trying to detect any hint of a joke. “You’re just making this up, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not making it up. But you’re my boss, and I don’t want to make things weird, so I’m just going to keep my big mouth shut.”

“Things won’t get weird,” she said, hoping he would tell her now. No such luck!

“I’m going to stop you right there,” he said, holding up a finger. “And I’m going to give you one warning that if you ask again, I’m going to get pissed off. So I suggest you use the next sentence out of your mouth wisely and start a conversation about something else.”

“You’re mean.” Alex pouted, shoveling Instamash into her mouth as she glared at him. He started to laugh at her but forced himself to contain it at the last minute and rubbed a hand over his mouth instead. “You can’t just open a box of questions like that and expect me not to be curious.”

“I don’t even know what else to say to you right now. Lunch was good. Thank you, dear.” He started to rise from his chair and suddenly pecked her on the forehead. Then he took his empty plate to the sink and walked back toward the shop without giving her a second glance. She sat frozen, unsure if what had just happened, _actually_ happened.

“You can’t just- MacCready! That’s not- You can’t just _kiss me!_ And then not tell me what you were gonna say! Get back here!” she shouted frantically, her eyes wide. “I’m not your girlfriend?!”

***

Morning sunlight glanced off the cracked road winding far ahead of them into the blue sky, searing her eyeballs even through dark sunglasses. There was a sneaking suspicion in her mind that the sun had gotten brighter since the war, but Alex couldn’t exactly tell. All she knew was that it was too damn bright, especially in the mornings. A couple birds squawked as they got close and Dogmeat barked right back, scaring them away. She jumped at the sudden noise and watched as the birds flew off and circled over a power line for a new place to hang out. As much as she liked crows, she really missed pigeons.

A few paces back, MacCready dragged his feet and kept his head down, hardly bothering to keep up with her. Every once in a while she looked back to make sure he was still there. She couldn’t imagine how hungover he must be. He had stayed consistently drunk for four days straight and she had quickly lost count of how many glasses of whiskey he’d had the night before. It was entirely his own fault, though; she reminded him twice yesterday that they were heading out in the morning, yet he refused to sober up.

‘Those sunglasses probably aren’t helping him much more than yours are. You should make sure he drinks some water. Did he eat something before we left? Maybe you should make sure he eats something, too.’ As often as she told herself she didn’t care about him, Alex still found herself worrying over her companion. She mentally kicked herself. ‘God, you’re not his mother! He can take care of himself, he’s a grown man!’

Without thinking, she found herself turning back to him with a can of water in her hand. He stopped beside her with a slight frown on his face, his brows knit tightly together. Close up, she could see the haphazard job he’d done trimming his goatee and wondered why he didn’t just leave it alone.

“Here, you need to drink some water. Don’t want you getting heat exhaustion or something,” Alex said as she offered him the can.

“It’s maybe like, 50 degrees out right now. I don’t think the non-existent heat is going to kill me,” he said, shaking his head. He winced, probably forgetting for a second about the splitting headache he surely had.

She rolled her eyes and forced the can into his hand anyway. “Okay, genius, but you still need to drink some water. You’ll start to feel better once you’re not dehydrated.”

Dogmeat excitedly tapped his paws on the concrete as they started moving again. He was eager to sniff all sorts of things along the side of the road and would occasionally bring her something he thought was useful, like an old kickball or a screwdriver. The dog suddenly ran ahead of them as they ventured into a group of houses and they watched as he found a dusty teddy bear to chew up. By then, they had made good time and were coming up on the outskirts of Lexington. It was doubtful, but Alex was curious to see if Dogmeat could pick up on any sort of trail out here. They stopped at a bus station a few blocks into the destroyed town so she could rummage through her pack for one of Kellogg’s cigars. She let him get a good, long whiff of the thing and then waited for a few moments, but the dog just whined as he returned to her side.

“That’s okay, boy. We’ll find him eventually,” Alex murmured as she patted his head. Maybe he’d pick something up in a different spot.

“You still got that sketch? There’s a couple traders that like to hang out in a warehouse on the other side of Lexington. If you show it to them, they might have seen Kellogg. Caravan hand may know of him, too,” MacCready said, squinting at her behind his sunglasses. One hand reached up to shield his eyes from the sun and the other rested casually on his hip.

Well, she hadn’t thought that flashing around the news of her manhunt was a good idea, but if he was willing to suggest asking around then she supposed it would be alright. “Yeah, I do still have it. I guess we can ask around and even if they don’t know anything, we can take a break there for a bit.”

“Nah, they won’t let us hang out there. Caravan spot only. But I’m friendly enough with most of them that they’ll let us ask a couple questions.”

“Oh. Okay then, I guess that’s fine,” she said, nodding her head. It was better than nothing, and if she got lucky, it may even turn into a lead.

All three of them took off for the warehouse, winding around the edges of the town to avoid the huge number of raiders that lived there. At one point, Alex asked why the place was so saturated, to which MacCready just shrugged and said something about all the factories and warehouses making decent hideouts for the gangs. That seemed to fit in with their whole aesthetic, she supposed. They only came across a few raiders directly in their path and she took out most of them herself with just her sniper rifle, giving her companion a break for the time being.

She was nearly ready to collapse when he pointed at an old brick warehouse that had a Nuka Cola advertisement painted on one wall. Half of the building was crumbling away and most of the windows and gaps in the walls were boarded up, but there was a small group of brahmin and a couple dogs lazing in the grass out front. In the doorway stood a cheerful looking man in a green coat, smoking a cigarette. A few muffled voices could be heard from behind him and he laughed at something they said. The friendly smile on his face wavered a bit as they got close but MacCready raised his hand in the air as a greeting. Once they stepped off the road and into the sparse grass of the warehouse yard, he called out to the man.

“Kenny! Been a while, I was starting to think you ate a bullet,” he joked, taking Kenny by the arm for a handshake.

“Well, damn, I coulda said the same about you, MacCready! It’s been, oh, a year since I saw you last,” Kenny said, his voice loud and boisterous as he patted MacCready on the back. He had a slight Boston accent, nothing too pronounced. “You didn’t forget to come visit me, didja?”

“No, of course not! I stopped in a few times, but you were never here.”

“Ah, well you know how it is. Hey, if you’re looking for a job, my sister just started running a caravan from here up to some hole in Maine. She swears the caps are good, apparently she’s the only trader willing to go there,” Kenny told him, raising an eyebrow.

Alex just stood politely at the bottom of the steps as they chatted, rocking back and forth on her heels. Meeting new people was never her strong suit, especially when it was a friend of a friend. She always felt awkward and tried to stay out of their way for as long as possible.

“I’ve got something going right now, but thanks for the offer. I actually wanted to ask a favor of you. My boss, Alex, and I are looking for a guy. Long story short, we don’t have much to go on, but we think some of you guys may have seen him around,” MacCready replied, jabbing a thumb in her direction when he mentioned her. Then he put his arm around Kenny, getting friendly with the man, and lowered his voice. “Now, I know you don’t like people to hang around, but we’ve just got a sketch, no questions. All I wanna do is show it to a couple of traders, maybe a hand or two, and then we’ll be gone. Like we were never here. You think you can let us do that?”

Kenny thought it over, scrutinizing Alex up and down before glancing back inside the warehouse. It was dark beyond the doorway and she couldn’t see what, or who, he was looking at. He was pretty obviously suspicious, and she could guess why, but she begged him in her mind to let them in anyway. ‘It will only take a second! I won’t bother anyone else after that!’ After a few seconds, he rubbed a hand over his chin and nodded once. Then he tipped his head back toward the doorway and mumbled something in MacCready’s ear.

The other dogs had started to play with Dogmeat as she watched her companion jog down the steps towards her. He looked both ways as he crossed the grass, like he was looking out for cars or something. Alex held her breath as he beckoned her toward the doorway. Their shoulders rubbed together as they went inside and he leaned into her ear.

“Let me do the talking. They trust me,” he whispered, patting her on the back. She handed him the leather notebook, opened to the page with Kellogg’s face plastered across it, and nodded. “Plus, you can watch me and see how it’s done.”

Oh, right. He had criticized her poor speech skills a few days back, scolding her when she didn’t ask for caps in exchange for Nick’s return. It hadn’t seemed right at first, but then he argued that as long as she was providing a service, even to her own benefit, that she needed to ask for caps. Of course, he’d also informed her that she needed to be a little picky and try to _only_ accept jobs that benefited her in some other way, but that he could forgive a crappy yet high paying assignment. She’d asked him what benefit he was getting from her and he’d jokingly responded that he was overcharging her.

Inside the warehouse, a group of traders sat crowded around a little fire while the caravan guards milled about, talking amongst themselves or cleaning their weapons. One of the merchants was telling an exaggerated story about how she once defended her pack brahmin from a deathclaw with nothing but a pipe pistol and a switchblade. Alex wasn’t sure if everyone was humoring her or if they were really stupid enough to believe her. The woman looked a little peeved when two of the traders stood from their seats to greet MacCready, completely ignoring the ridiculous story.

“Mac! How the hell are ya? I didn’t know you was up here in the Commonwealth,” one of them said, shaking MacCready’s hand. He gave the merc a huge grin, revealing an almost toothless smile.

“Yeah, came back up a couple months ago to find work. What are you still doing here? I thought you were heading down south for a while?”

“I know, but I couldn’t make it past D.C. Them damn tolls are too expensive these days. But, but what about you? What’re you up to?” the toothless man said. He was a little fidgety and Alex assumed he was on something.

MacCready sighed and stepped a little closer to the two, almost making it seem like some sort of secret. Both of the traders got excited as he pulled out the little notebook and showed it to them. “I’m looking for this guy. Goes by the name of Kellogg. He left out of Diamond City a couple weeks back, possibly with a kid. Either of you seen him anywhere?”

The other merchant, an older woman who sounded like she probably smoked multiple packs a day, pointed a finger at the drawing and looked up at MacCready. “He runnin’ one of them kiddie-slave rings? Y’know the ones? I heard they got one down south of here, past Quincy-“

“I-I seen him, just two days ago! He’s- he was over…” The toothless man shook his finger at the sketch, frantic at first, and then his voice quieted down as he scanned the room. He was paranoid about something.

“Where’d you see him, Max? You can tell me,” MacCready said, his voice low. He subtly pulled a roll of caps from his pocket and held it out. Max didn’t need to think twice before snatching the caps away and then he leaned in close.

“That ole military place, the big one to the west. I seen him there when I was passin’ through, takin’ Gus and the others. We stopped to see if there was a settlement, but…” Max grabbed him by the sleeve and came inches from his face. “MacCready, if you go after him, you better be careful. He’s dangerous. _Real_ dangerous. Not like them gunners, y’know.”

“Why do you say that? How do you know?” Alex asked, finally speaking up. Max stepped away from them, shaking his head. The other trader had already drifted away, unwilling to get in the middle of it.

“He had these… people with him. ‘Cept they wasn’t people. B-but I already said too much…”

The horrified look on Max’s face stayed frozen at the forefront of her mind as they made their way back outside. So, Kellogg was hiding out in some unnamed military base, surrounded by people that weren’t really people? It sounded like some shit he just made up on the spot for caps, but the look on his face was real terror. There was no way he could have faked it unless he was secretly some award-winning actor. She jogged after MacCready, meeting him at the edge of the brahmin yard. He had a hardened look on his face and he wouldn’t meet her eyes, keeping his gaze firmly on the grass. Kenny was nowhere to be found now, so they were alone. Maybe that was a good thing.

“Nick was right. He’s working with the Institute, which means we may be walking into a deathtrap,” he said, bracing himself against a low fence. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair while she thought of what to say next.

“So, what do we do now?” she asked, unable to form any other thought into a coherent sentence.

“That’s for you to decide, boss.”

Damn it. She shoved her hands in her pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking and looked down at the ground, too. A strong breeze flattened the grass at their feet and she suddenly realized a storm was blowing in. The once bright blue sky, littered with white clouds, was swiftly turning a sickening yellowish color and the clouds swirled into tight rings. Lightning flashed over the buildings far to the north behind her and a sound like a blowing power transformer thundered overhead.

“We gotta go,” she murmured, breathless, as she glanced back at him.

“To Kellogg? Yeah, I get that, but we should probably talk tactics fir-“

“NO! We have to GO!” Alex shouted. All of the traders and caravan hands had rushed out into the yard to get their brahmin and dogs inside, and fast. She hooked her fingers into his sleeve and tugged him forward in the confusion. Dogmeat raced to meet them and seemed to be leading them toward another building, this one in the direction of the storm. There wasn’t anywhere else that she could identify as safe, so she sprinted after the dog with her companion in tow.

Lightning struck somewhere close by and the Geiger counter on her Pip-Boy crackled loudly, alerting her to the radiation that must have been coming from the storm. Huge drops of rain began to fall, lightly burning the skin around her cheeks. She let go of his arm to pull her scarf up and shield her face from the droplets. He would be able to keep up, for sure. More bright light flashed overhead and her Geiger piped up again, warning her to get inside. Dogmeat skidded to a halt in front of a heavy steel door and barked over and over again, barely louder than the thunder. Before she could reach it, MacCready jumped ahead and flung it open, ushering them all inside just as a bolt of white-hot lightning touched down across the alley and burned a wide ring into the concrete.

“What the _fuck_ was _that_?”

Both of them stared around the dark factory they had stumbled into and struggled to catch their breath. There was only silence around them except their labored breathing and the sound of her Pip-Boy light flickering to life. It was barely enough to illuminate the wide space. They wandered into what appeared to be a foreman’s office, their side-arms at the ready in case something decided to attack. When they had decided the room was clear, she locked the door and flipped the light switch. A dingy florescent bulb came on, though it was hardly any better than her light.

“Rad storm. They can get pretty nasty. Thanks for… getting us out of there,” MacCready said, taking a seat on top of the desk. It squeaked a bit under his weight. “We can stay here for the night, I guess. What’s your Geiger say?”

“Huh?” Alex looked down at the tiny half-circle gauge on her Pip-Boy and squinted at the tiny needle. “We took quite a bit. Probably a lot from that last bolt, being so close. I mean, I guess that’s how this shit works.”

She shrugged and tossed her pack onto a side table, then pulled a little pouch of medical supplies off her belt. There was one full IV bag of Rad-Away in it, enough for two decent doses, and a fresh pair of needles. They would have to take turns, though. Alex rolled up her sleeve and set herself up first, not even asking if he needed it. ‘He can tough a little rad sickness out. It won’t kill him for six weeks, eight if he’s lucky.’

When she looked up, MacCready was flipping through something in his hands. At first she assumed it was a book and scowled up at the overhead bulb. It really wasn’t bright enough to read, at least not without straining your eyes. After adjusting the IV bag against her shoulder as a make-shift stand, she stepped over to his side, curiosity getting the better of her. She caught a glimpse of the pages and her eyebrows shot up.

“You drew all these? They’re awesome! I always wished I could draw when I was a kid, but…” he peered up at her, a look of admiration on his face. He had stopped on a pretty impressive drawing of Diamond City and a few settlers that lived there.

“Oh, yeah, I’ve been drawing since I was a teenager.” She felt her cheeks warming up and she chuckled awkwardly when he noticed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to steal your book. Here.” He held the notebook out to her, but Alex shook her head and took a seat next to him on the desk.

“If you wanna look, go ahead. I don’t mind. Those are kind of boring, though. There’s another book, I draw comics in it sometimes.”

That definitely piqued his interest. She had remembered a comment he’d made a few days back about collecting comics as a kid, and while she didn’t draw anything featuring a buff, half-naked dude that battled evil snake-men, she secretly hoped he would enjoy her goofy comics. He laughed louder and louder as he flipped through it, clearly enjoying her take on fighting deathclaws in power armor and the day-to-day activities of raiders. Eventually he had to put it down to dry his eyes on his sleeve.

“Where do you come up with this stuff?” he snickered, watching her remove the IV from her arm.

“Not drugs, I can tell you that much,” she said as she prepared the fresh needle for him. He winced when she put it in and she bit back a giggle. That’d be mean. “There. You will shortly be radiation-free. Congrats.”

MacCready smirked as he looked over her handiwork and then offered her comic book back with a flick of his wrist. “You should do another of those raider comics, but with some gunners instead.”

“What kind of panels could I draw? ‘Repairing Bots’, but they’re like, I dunno, drawing tits on an Assaultron?” she asked with a snort. That didn’t seem too far-fetched, right?

He laughed again and gave her a thumbs up. “Perfect.”

“Oh, all joking aside… I wanted to thank you for taking me to the traders,” Alex said, biting her lip. She was only a tiny bit nervous to say anything, mostly because she was worried that he would blow off her thanks. “You didn’t need to do all that for me, so I appreciate it. A lot. And I’m really glad we were able to get a lead.”

She was surprised when he smiled warmly at her and patted her knee. “Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?”

‘ _Friends_.’

‘Oh.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmmm, what was all that about in the beginning of the chapter?? ;) Is it finally true love, or is Mac being a rude tease? Y'all have no idea how excited I am for the next few chapters, but I'm trying to pace myself and not update too early! I don't want to run out of content before a scheduled update, so y'all will have to suffer with me.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Next update will be Friday July 14 instead of Tuesday, since I'll be out of town that day. Regular update schedule will start back after that every Tue/Fri until further notice. Stay up to date by bookmarking, subscribing, or following #squintsofficialwriting on tumblr.


	9. Headstrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is determined to hunt down Kellogg and find her son, no matter what. But now that they've cornered him, can she ask MacCready to follow her into a deathtrap?

**-Alex-**

Fort Hagen military base. The place was absolutely crawling with Gen 1 and 2 synths. They were quick, relentless, and most importantly, accurate. At least Alex got the absolute worst anxiety from looking at them, so she didn’t feel bad in the slightest emptying bullet after bullet into their mechanical bodies. A few of their laser shots had come dangerously close to burning a hole right in the middle of her heart and she prayed to the armor gods that her chest piece wouldn’t crumble away to dust. She and MacCready were currently hiding behind some sort of wooden display case, alternating their shots at a group of synths in the other room to hopefully confuse the things. It seemed to be working, thank god, and the two of them started dropping synths like clockwork.

“I really hope you stocked up on ammo big time,” MacCready grunted through clenched teeth, reloading his pistol as he crouched down beside her.

She popped up over the glass, forcing the group of synths to readjust their aim yet again on her, and fired a shot right into one’s chest, sending it backwards into a couple others. Then she disappeared behind the case and he fired two shots into an armored Gen 2. Its chest exploded in a giant burst of plastic and sparks, something that happened quite often when you managed to hit a hydraulics line. Both of them laughed hysterically, until a particularly wily Gen 1 launched itself over the display case and began firing.

“OH SHIT!” Alex screeched, scrambling out of its line of fire. She aimed at its head and fired a shot, but missed. It snapped to the side to face her, its laser pistol pointed between her eyes. Even if it wasn’t at such close range, she knew that it would land that shot with 100% accuracy. Desperate to get away, she kicked her foot out and connected with its leg, throwing the damn machine off balance just as it fired. The blue laser sank into the carpet to the side of her head and she immediately squeezed the trigger again. That bullet landed squarely in the things eye and sent it reeling. The perfect chance. She jumped up and aimed again, blowing its head to pieces before it could even target her a second time.

“Alex, could use some help here!”

She flinched when she heard MacCready shouting for her in the other room and raced to the busted out wall, crunching glass and electronics under her boots with every step. Ducking her head, she could see him desperately fending off another Gen 1 wielding some sort of shock baton. The thing cracked the baton over his head, though it thankfully didn’t seem to have much force behind it as he fought it off. Alex raised her revolver and prayed she wouldn’t accidentally hit her companion in the scuffle, then held her breath and pulled the trigger. The bullet landed in its jaw, maybe less than two feet from MacCready’s face, and the synth almost instantly went slack and crumpled against the wall.

“Are you okay?” she asked, rushing through the doorway. “Hell, I swore I had accidentally shot you for a second! Let me see the back of your head!”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I was distracted by you kicking that other synths butt. Heh, I guess I should thank you for saving mine, too,” he said, removing his hat as he turned around.

There was no blood, thankfully. She gently smoothed his hair back into place after she had taken a thorough look and rubbed him on the back. The surge of adrenaline she’d felt was replaced by a wave of relief and she let out a shaky breath. “You’re good. Your brain is still firmly encased inside your skull.”

“Thank you, Dr. Alex.” He gave her an appreciative little smile as he turned around. “So, where to next, boss?”

The pair made their way through a makeshift passageway through several rooms, guns drawn in case anything else decided to sneak up on them. Her ears strained for any little sound. An old office door beckoned them forward, but Alex froze just before her hand closed around the knob. Something inside the room beyond shifted slightly, creaking the wooden floorboards, and her breath caught in her throat. She raised her revolver as she glanced back at MacCready and tilted her head toward the door.

“Get ready. There’s no telling what’s inside.”

‘One… two… three!’ The door flew open to reveal a fully armored synth toting a massive laser rifle. Its head snapped at the sound, locking its robotic eyes on the two as they scrambled to aim. Alex only managed to fire one shot that lodged in its leg, while MacCready had a bit more luck in blowing a couple holes through its chest piece. Both of them ducked on either side of the door just as the synth began to fire, its automatic laser rifle burning a deep hole in the wall at the other end of the hallway. Too terrified to look back in, she poked her revolver around the door and blindly fired a few rounds. Only one seemed to hit when she heard the sound of metal bits hitting the ground.

Across from her, MacCready had holstered his pistol and was just readying his rifle when a dozen more lasers whizzed past them. His jaw was clenched tightly as he lifted the rifle and peered around the corner, racing against the synth’s targeting system to fire a shot first. The deafening sound of a bullet leaving the chamber made Alex flinch backwards as it echoed through the tight quarters, quickly followed by the sound of shattering fiberglass. He growled and jumped back from the doorway, narrowly missing a few more haphazard laser shots. Still hiding behind the wall, she didn’t know if he had missed or what, but he wasn’t backing down that easily. Once the synth’s wild attack had died off again, he leaned in and pulled the trigger. This time, he must have landed the shot, because she heard the telltale explosion of metal and electronics and then something heavy slumped to the floor.

“Damn, these things really give me the creeps,” he mumbled, crunching all sorts of things under his boots as he went to inspect it. “But these Institute synths carry some valuable tech. Let’s try not to leave anything behind if we can help it.”

“W-wait!” Alex shouted, holding an arm out. Her eyes were glued to the floor just beyond the fallen synth, staring at the little lights on top of a land mine. She moved her arm to point at it after he stopped in his tracks. “There. Should we shoot it, or…?”

“Ah, good eye. Stay here and I’ll take care of it.” MacCready dropped to the floor and slowly crept up to it, his arms outstretched. She watched him closely as he held his breath and deactivated it, which caused it to beep softly. Then he brought the thing back, a little smirk on his face. “Here you go, boss. Got you a souvenir.”

Hesitantly, she took the mine from him and turned it over in her hands. Alex almost didn’t believe that it wasn’t going to go off suddenly and kill her anyway. “Oh, thanks…”

With a hearty laugh, he patted her on the arm and smiled. “C’mon, there’s an elevator in the back. Maybe you’ll get to chuck that at Kellogg’s head,” he joked, then started for the door. He punched the button and crossed his arms over his chest as he waited for the elevator to open with a little ding and a pop.

Alex lagged behind to inspect the synth. Its laser rifle was tucked into her pack alongside the land mine, and then a small piece of fiberglass armor was crammed in beside those. Unfortunately, the .50 caliber round had completely destroyed the front of the synths helmet, not to mention the inside of its head. All the electronics there were melting and unsalvageable and she sighed as she pulled the pack over her shoulders. The elevator was waiting impatiently for her at the other end of the room, much to MacCready’s annoyance. He hurriedly waved her forward as the doors tried to shut again.

“Sorry, just looking for stuff.” She jogged over to join him and pushed the button to send the elevator further into the facility.

“Kellogg will have plenty of caps laying around. Don’t load yourself down if it’s not worth much,” he replied, checking his belt to make sure he had rounds ready to go. “We’re almost to the basement, I think. Reload your gun instead of just standing around looking pretty.”

“You think I’m pretty?” Alex squeaked sarcastically, batting her lashes. She laughed, but she did as she was told. The empty shells from her revolver fell through her outstretched hand and rattled across the elevator floor. She scoffed as she began replacing them.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I was trying to catch them. I saw it in a movie once.” Her cheeks flooded pink as embarrassment crept up on her. MacCready just laughed.

A loud pop startled them both into silence as the elevator hit bottom and the doors rolled open. Whatever this place was, it was cold, filthy, and dark. Alex couldn’t imagine someone wanting to live in a dingy old concrete facility, probably infested with radroaches, but then again it did make a good hideout for an asshole like Kellogg. The pair made their way to the end of the corridor and put a few bullets into a turret and some synths that were crawling around. Bare Gen 1’s were easy to take down when you could sneak up on them. A steel door around the corner caught her eye, but before they could reach it, a loudspeaker hidden somewhere in the ceiling crackled to life.

 _“If it isn’t my old friend, the frozen TV dinner,”_ the voice purred, though it wasn’t friendly and inviting. Kellogg’s voice was just as rumbling and terrifying as it was in the vault. Alex wondered if it was just an act or if that was what he really sounded like. _“Last time we met, you were cozying up to the peas and cobbler.”_

And… that was it.

The loudspeaker went quiet again. The silence was both ominous and exhilarating. He was here, somewhere in this place. And she was going to fucking find him.

MacCready followed closely when she grit her teeth and continued moving through the corridor and down the stairs. The sound of synths moving around was surprisingly absent, though she kept her eyes and ears open for a possible ambush. The cold was really helping her stay alert, even if she hated it.

_“Sorry your house has been a wreck for 200 years. But I don’t need a roommate. Leave.”_

Neither of them said anything as they passed through a set of steel double doors beyond another soon-destroyed turret. Actually, she was glad her companion had been privy to her conversation with the Vault-Tech salesman a few weeks back, because she sure as hell didn’t want to explain things now. He still seemed a little confused, but then, so was she when that asshole first came over the speaker.

Ancient equipment lined the walls in the next room, though Alex had little idea what any of it did. It looked to be, perhaps, some sort of communication stuff. Smashed out monitors, dials, and switches sat patiently in the dim lighting. It was all completely useless now. This must have been the entrance to the command center and judging by a dusty map plaque on the wall, they were getting closer to the end of the maze. Kellogg had to be in that room.

_“Hmph. Never expected you to come knocking on my door. Gave you 50/50 odds of making it to Diamond City. After that? Figured the Commonwealth would chew you up like jerky.”_

The stairwell beyond led them down to even more defunct equipment. A couple synths poked their mechanical heads out to shoot at them, forcing them to duck and squeeze behind large towers of buttons. Alex felt her heart nearly beat of her chest when one half-armored synth ran toward them with a baton and flailed its arm in the air. It nearly struck her on the shoulder when MacCready managed to fire a last minute shot into the back of its neck. It dropped to the floor, not quite dead but almost paralyzed. Its hand reached out to grip her ankle with all of its strength and dragged its body closer. She tried desperately to kick it away but its thin fingers curled tighter around her. With a shaking gasp, she shoved her revolver in the synths face and flinched hard as its head exploded in her lap.

After she had pushed the tangle of robotic limbs away from her, she realized the remaining two synths were no longer shooting at them. Instead, MacCready stood above her, his pistol holstered as he held out a hand. She let him help her up, then dusted herself off and looked toward the darkened room that sat beyond a wall of steel mesh. No one stood in the shadows that she could identify, but that didn’t mean Kellogg wasn’t here.

“What’s with all this science stuff? I thought this was a military fort,” he complained, flicking a broken dial on one of the towers.

“I’m not sure. Nate came here a lot, but he never said what they did here. I just assumed he was finishing his training,” Alex said. Truthfully, she had never really cared about what Nate did or didn’t do with his time. Unless it involved her. Then, she preferred not to participate.

Well, there was no getting into the command center through any of the doors lined up along the mesh wall. They were all locked, and the one at the very end of the hallway, beyond the synth bodies, didn’t open from this side. It looked like the only option was to take the long way, so she waved him over as she turned into a back hallway.

_“Look, you’re pissed off. I get it. I do. But whatever you hope to accomplish in here? It’s not going to go your way.”_

“God, shut the _fuck_ up!” she growled under her breath. She was worried that if she screamed it, Kellogg would suddenly appear and shoot her down. It was more likely that he couldn’t even hear her at all.

This must have been the living area, or whatever the hell it was called. Barracks. Yeah, that sounded right. All sorts of rooms sprouted off the main corridor as it snaked through the basement; bunkbeds were crammed in this one, another was a supply closet, and around the corner was the cafeteria. A group of footsteps echoed down the hall and MacCready pulled her down behind the serving counters as two synths passed in front of the window on the other side of the room. One paused in the open doorway, just long enough for her companion to fire a couple rounds in its direction. It stumbled back and fell against the wall as the other rushed into the room carrying a measly baton. It was easy to put it down as it ran toward them.

_“You’ve got guts and determination, and that’s admirable. But you are in over your head in ways you can’t possibly comprehend.”_

A sick bay. A dimly lit utility tunnel. More synths. Alex and MacCready didn’t speak as they pushed ahead.

_“It’s not too late. Stop. Turn around and leave. You have that option. Not a lot of people can say that.”_

More tunnel. Stairs. A supply closet, locked behind a steel door. Some sort of suite. Then, an old office, packed with junk and old furniture. It was filthy, but someone had been living here recently. Empty beer bottles lay scattered on the floor and a lit cigar sat in a dirty ashtray. The bed was… new. Clean. Medical supplies covered a nearby tray and the desk on one side of the room. The furniture in this small, perfect spot was blindingly white and glowed in the dim overhead lighting. Alex realized the loudspeaker had been silent for a while. She had trapped him.

_“Okay, you made it. I’m just up ahead. My synths are standing down. Let’s talk.”_

She was calm as she turned around to face MacCready, who had followed loyally the entire time without saying much. He was still silent as she stared at him and she realized that he was nervous. Well, that was understandable. Alex had marched him into a deathtrap and now they stood on the other side of the door, completely uncertain of what would lie ahead. She suddenly became very aware of the unfairness of asking him to press ahead, to surely die for her. She couldn’t do that to him, not when he was just a kid with the rest of his life ahead of him.

“You can… you can go. Now. I can handle it from here,” Alex mumbled, dropping her gaze to the floor. Now she was scared, knowing she would be going in there alone.

“I’m not leaving. After all you’ve been through, you don’t deserve to face Kellogg alone,” MacCready said, stepping towards her. His voice was firm, but still gentle. “You’re going to make him pay for what he did to your son, and I’m going to stand right behind you, boss.”

“You could die…”

“I don’t care. You came to me for help and it’s only right that I keep up my end of the deal. Now, c’mon, you’ve got a heartless jerk in there to kill.”

The heavy steel door on the other end of the room had swung open at Kellogg’s will and Alex held her head high as she took the last few steps up to the command center. Both of them readied their sidearms as the last door opened to let them into the darkened room. Overhead lights flickered on with loud, echoing clicks as Kellogg stepped out from behind the dozens of old desks and into the open, his hands held up to indicate his cooperation. Two synths flanked him as he came to a halt a few feet in front of Alex, while a third stopped far too close to MacCready.

“And there she is. The most resilient woman in the Commonwealth. Funny, I thought I had that honor.” Kellogg’s scarred and pitted face smirked at her, even as she refused to lower the revolver. He gripped his own in one relaxed hand. It disgusted her how calm he was, how calm he had been taking her son away. “Let’s… talk.”

“You’re a dead man, you cold-hearted bastard. Now you tell me where the hell my son is and I won’t waste any more time than I have to on you,” Alex spat, channeling all of her anger into the dangerous edge in her voice. White hot rage spread through every nerve in her body, even the ones that had died off long ago. The adrenaline was hardly enough to quell the anxiety screaming in her ears as it begged her to **RUN!** She willed her mind right back to outlast this moment, to let her survive another day in the wasteland. But she knew from countless times before that it was useless to try, and the edges of her reality were already slipping away from her as Kellogg opened his mouth and let his deep voice encompass her again.

“Hmph. Pal, I’m just a puppet like you. My stage is a little bigger, that’s all. Shaun’s a good kid. A bit older than you expected, am I right?” The asshole laughed, as if it was all a joke they were in on together. Alex didn’t laugh back. “But he’s doing great. Only… he’s not here. He’s with the people pulling the strings.”

“You wipe that shit-eating grin off your face and you fucking _tell me_ where he is! Do you understand me, motherfucker?” she shouted, shoving the revolver in his face. An image of her forcing the barrel into his mouth and pulling the trigger was appealing, but she needed information first. She _knew_ she needed information first, but every second he didn’t tell her tested her patience a whole hell of a lot more than the last. Her head felt like it would explode if she didn’t just blow his brains out and be done with it.

“What’s the cliché? ‘So close, yet so far away’? That’s Shaun. But don’t worry. You’ll die knowing he’s safe, and happy. A bit older, but ah well. At least he’s in a loving home.

The Institute.”

Kellogg said it slowly, as if she was a child. Or maybe her brain was replaying it to her that way. His face was the only thing still floating in the center of her vision, as thousands of images flooded her brain and pushed away what was happening right in front of her.

‘No. No no no no nononononono NO!’

“Tell me how to get there, asshole.” Someone spoke for her, much softer. Wait. No, that was her voice, but it was coming from somewhere else… She couldn’t feel her face, but Kellogg still smirked at her.

“Ha! That’s the spirit. You know, you surprise me, I have to admit. I find myself actually kind of… liking you. I admire your dedication, even if it is useless.”

Alex felt something pulling her hand up above her head and suddenly the butt of her revolver came crashing down on his skull in the middle of his speech. Kellogg instantly backed away, blood spurting from the wide cut across his bald head, and aimed at her. But the bullet that followed came out of thin air as he disappeared, suddenly invisible. Was her brain playing a trick? Had she finally slipped away from reality, and was now waiting patiently to die at his hand? She fired into the space where he had stood and she watched, wide eyed, as more dark blood spurted onto the ratty carpeting. The first five of her bullets vanished into the air, until the last one suddenly dropped Kellogg’s body onto the floor with a wet thud. His entire chest was filled with bloody holes that oozed into a dark puddle around her shoes.

“Alex? Alex!”

MacCready’s voice shouted from behind her somewhere, but she didn’t turn to look. Fiery pain exploded from her hip and shoulder, and Alex looked down to see her hands covered in blood. She didn’t know if it was hers or not, but the blood that dampened her clothes around the fire was definitely her own. Kellogg had shot her, twice. It was not, surprisingly, as painful as she was expecting a gunshot wound to be. She stepped away from the body and leaned her back against one of the desks to slide to the ground.

“Oh, crap! Are you okay?” he stared at her wounds with wide eyes, then blinked and rifled through his pockets for a stimpak. He was gentle, but quick, in pushing the needle into the gunshot wound at her hip, then in her shoulder. “Um, they’re not bleeding too badly, so I don’t think they’re deep. Do they hurt? Say something!”

“They’re… yeah, they kinda hurt.” Her mind was returning, slowly but surely. The coolness of the stimpak spread through her wounds for a few more moments as MacCready carefully peeled her clothes back to look. Then she let out a shaky, exhausted sigh and pulled his hand into both of hers. “Are you okay? Did you get hurt at all?”

“No, I’m fine. I took out those damn synths before they could even react. But then I looked over at you, and Kellogg had just vanished. I thought you had gone nuts until he suddenly dropped,” he said, smiling warmly. “Yeah, it looks like you got pretty lucky. Both bullets just grazed you. How are you feeling now?”

“Better, thank you. And thank you for coming with me. I would have died without you here, so… I owe you a lot,” she said softly, looking up at his eyes. They were such a brilliant, bright blue now that she was finally seeing them in the light, and they looked incredibly concerned.

“You don’t owe me. Keeping you safe is all part of the job.” He awkwardly patted her hand and then started to stand. “Can you get up? We should get moving before anymore synths decide to show up.”

She let him help her to her feet, but she insisted they search the room first. Kellogg hadn’t told her how to get inside the Institute, and if Shaun was trapped there, she would need to find a way in. There was a strange terminal on the desk on one side of the room, but neither of them could figure out how to open it. Other than that, there wasn’t much lying around but some old magazines and medical supplies. Alex turned back to glare at the corpse, frustrated again with another dead end.

“You stupid jackass. Why couldn’t you have just told me how to get to Shaun?” she whispered as she kicked the bloodied body. It rolled over in the puddle with a squelch and she scowled at the back of Kellogg’s ugly, scarred head. The only thing she wanted from him was the huge revolver he had used to murder Nate. It was a nice, hefty weapon, and it meant quite a lot to her now. She leaned down to pluck it from his stiff hand and wiped the sticky blood away on his leather jacket.

Just before she got back on her feet, she noticed that some of Kellogg’s scars weren’t exactly from combat, but instead looked very neat and deliberate. Like surgical scars. Her eyes trailed over the thin lines, trying to imagine what sort of surgery he could have had, when something else on his temple caught her attention. Alex squinted at the single bullet hole in his forehead and realized that there were a strange pair of wires poking out. Was he a synth? Nick had talked a lot about the newer synths that were indistinguishable from real people, but she couldn’t remember if he’d said anything about wires in their heads. She held her breath and pulled on one of the wires, curious to know what it was for. Something was attached to the other end, but with such a small hole, it couldn’t make it through.

“Hey, you’re not opposed to defiling a corpse, right? Bring a pole or something over here,” she called, waving her companion closer. “There’s something in here, but I need to crack his skull to get it out. Could be something that leads us closer to the Institute.”

“You have _got_ to be kidding me,” he mumbled. The color had completely drained from his face as he watched her poke a finger into the bullet hole. “While I’m not exactly morally opposed to ripping this guy apart, you do realize that it’s freaking gross… right?"

“Yeah, but what other leads do we have? Just go dig around in that chest for something you can stick in here. I would smash his head in, but I don’t want to accidentally smash whatever’s in there.”

MacCready shook his head in disgust as he slipped a random crowbar into the hole, sighed, and yanked hard. The thin bones cracked and the skin tore with such sickening sounds that both of them flinched and looked away as a rush of fluids poured out onto the floor. The dank smell of decay and blood was already wafting up from the now giant hole in the top of Kellogg’s head. Alex pulled her scarf around her nose and mouth as she reached into the dead brain to extract whatever she could find. The wire she had been tugging on led to some sort of… hell, she didn’t even know. It looked like a shriveled up piece of brain, but it was encased in plastic and had all sorts of wires coming from it. It seemed important, but she had no idea what it did. She reached in again, despite her better judgement, and pulled out something that looked like a long, white computer chip. Both devices were branded with what appeared to be an image of the _Vitruvian Man_ and another logo, one that looked like a group of plant cells. They weren’t medical device logos she recognized and there were no other markings. Weird.

“I wonder if Nick would know what these are,” Alex said to herself as she wandered back to where MacCready was perched on the desk. There was still a deep, revolted frown etched on his face and he stared at the things in her hands. “Here, you wanna hold ‘em?”

“Eugh, put those damn things away. That’s just disgusting,” he hissed, leaning away from her. “I really hope he can do something with them, too. Otherwise, I’m never going to forgive you for making me crack that guy’s skull open.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ve seen worse. Now, come on, it’s getting late.”

Weighed down with plenty of caps and lots of good loot, the pair eventually stepped out onto the roof of the building. The sun was beginning to set, but oddly, bright light still flooded the roof. MacCready groaned and rolled his eyes as they both peered up at a massive blimp floating just overhead. Tons of floodlights, all dotting the bottom of the airship, scanned over the landscape as dozens of vertibirds flew alongside it. Alex had never seen anything like it and she stared even as it began drifting further away. A loudspeaker crackled to life.

_“People of the Commonwealth. Do not interfere. Our intentions are peaceful._

_We are… the Brotherhood of Steel.”_

“Oh, great, it’s the Brotherhood of Squeal,” MacCready grumbled sarcastically, folding his arms over his chest. “Wish those morons would have just stayed in the Capital Wasteland.”

“Why? What’s wrong with them?” she asked, turning to face her companion. He seemed pretty annoyed over what seemed like nothing to her.

“Let’s just say, they like to stick their noses where they don’t belong. We can talk about it more when we find a place to bunker down in,” he said with a sigh.

With the daylight disappearing fast, Alex flipped her Pip-Boy light on and followed him closely. The two of them descended the stairs near the back of the facility, rifles drawn, and headed a little ways to the north to find shelter for the night. The sparse trees provided some cover, but it was going to be another long night of little sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a super fun chapter to write! These sorts of scenes are not my forte, so it was definitely a challenge to pull it all together and still make it fit in with Alex's increasingly spotty narrator. I think it definitely turned out well. I hope it was worth the wait!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Updates will resume Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my Tumblr tag, #squintsofficialwriting, to stay up to date!


	10. Trouble Weighs a Ton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camped out in a little cabin for the rest of the night, Alex thinks back to the battle with Kellogg and to her son. MacCready feels bad for her, and let's Alex confide some of her heaviest concerns in him.

**-Alex-**  

With a sigh, Alex curled up in the corner of the little rundown cabin and wrapped the blanket tighter around her shoulders. Dogmeat lay nearby, though he was all tuckered out from their trip through the woods. It was dark now, with thousands of stars twinkling between the clouds, and damn, was it cold. The wind was starting to pick up outside, too. She hoped it wouldn’t start to rain, but with her luck, it would likely start snowing again before long. It was December now, after all.

“You can sleep first. I’ll keep watch for a little while,” she said quietly, pulling her rifle up in her lap. She slowly turned her head to glance at MacCready, who was searching for another blanket in the dresser. There wasn’t much left in the cabin and he didn’t look to be having much luck.

“Huh?” His eyes shot over to her and he raised an eyebrow. “You sure? You seem pretty exhausted after all that. I really don’t mind letting you rest first.”

She shook her head, then sniffled before she could stop herself and instantly looked away to hide her face. Yeah, she was disappointed after what went down at Fort Hagen, but crying wasn’t going to help. Especially not in front of MacCready. She really didn’t want to bother him anymore.

“Hey, are you alright?” he asked, apprehension flooding his voice again. The floorboards creaked behind her after a few moments, and then she felt him carefully sitting down beside her on the bare floor. “I know you must be angry and sad and a million other things after what happened with Kellogg, but… Look, if you want to talk about it, I’m- I’ll listen.”

Alex had been acutely aware of the increased concern he had shown her since they had reached Fort Hagen earlier that morning. It made her wary of his intentions and she bit her lip as she debated whether or not to share her thoughts. There didn’t seem to be much harm in it, but she had already learned long ago the damage that could be done by confiding too much in the wrong person. “I thought you didn’t want to talk about personal stuff?”

He sighed and adjusted his position on the uncomfortable, cold floorboards. It was obvious he was now planning on being here for a while, or at least until she pushed him away. But she was too lonely to run him off. His eyes scanned the opposite end of the cabin as he spoke, seeming to choose his words carefully. “Well, no. I normally like to keep things professional. I would feel like a real douche if I just sat on the other side of the room and ignored you, though. And besides, I think we’ve gotten to know each other a lot more than I do with… everyone else. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m… here. For you. If you want to talk about it.”

“Thanks…” Alex noticed him shivering as the wind howled outside again, blowing in through the cracks in the walls. There must not have been any other spare blankets in the dresser. She silently wrapped a corner of the blanket around his shoulders and they cautiously huddled up in it together before she sighed. There probably wasn’t any harm in just talking to him a little. “Um, I dunno… The shit with Kellogg really sucks, but I haven’t been thinking a whole lot about that. I guess I’ve just been worried it’s my fault. Shaun is sick and probably in a lot of pain because of me, because I had to go out and be stupid and reckless.”

“I thought you said you were born with whatever… thing you have. And about Nate, I mean… How could you have been reckless?” he asked, shaking his head in confusion. Those blue eyes sparkled at her again and she felt a little pang of jealousy when she remembered her eyes were a dull blue-gray. His eyes were her favorite color.

“I made a really, _really_ stupid decision that landed me in that position with Nate. If I hadn’t lied, I would never have met him alone in the first place. I would never have ended up _here_ , in the Commonwealth.” Alex hung her head and picked at her nails. Tears had started to well up in her eyes, but she blinked them away and focused on what to say next. “I doubt he’s even still alive. And if he is, he’d be nothing like the other little boys, or any children for that matter. He’d be stuck in bed all day, in too much pain and too tired to get out and play. He’d probably have no idea why he was different, or what to do about it. All that, on top of not having either of his parents. But then, I wonder if he’s better off without me around. I always thought I’d be a shitty parent.”

“Why do you think that? I mean, I don’t know many people who would face a guy like Kellogg to get their baby back,” he murmured. There was that sad look in his eyes again, too. “And on top of that, you’re talking about going after the Institute now. You seem like a pretty damn good parent to me.”

“I’m just… I have a hard time, you know, connecting to other people. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I prefer being by myself, but when you have kids, you gotta be there for them when _they_ need you. That probably sounds selfish, but it’s really hard for me. I don’t always have the energy to be there for everyone who needs me.”

Light sleet started to fall outside, though it thankfully didn’t leak through the roof. At least, not yet. The lantern hanging in the center of the room wobbled as the wind blew across the hills again. Dogmeat raised his head to look up at the swinging light, then flopped onto his side with a snort. There was still no suspicious noise coming from the forest surrounding the cabin, but Alex lowered her voice anyway as her eyes began again to fill with tears. Being ambushed was the last thing she wanted to happen right then, when she was blurry-eyed and vulnerable.

“Is it terrible if part of me hopes he didn’t make it? I’m grown and I can barely make it through some days in all this pain. It’s too much. There are so many days I wake up and would rather be dead, just so I don’t have to live like this anymore. But I _never_ wanted to have to look any child in the eyes and tell them that this is what they would have to live with every single day. That this pain would be the only thing they had to look forward to someday, and that no one would even know when it would happen. One day, they would just wake up and never again know what it was like to _not_ be in pain. That one day, they might just wa-wake up and be paralyzed for the rest of their life because their spinal cord t-tore in half. I ju-just couldn’t pos-possibly do it. It’s s-so unfair fo-for any child to h-ha-have to deal with.”

Alex was hunched over in the blanket, crying weakly into her knees as MacCready sat beside her on the cold floor. Despite the sadness, she still felt relatively numb and unfeeling to everything going on, almost as if she had never fully returned to reality after the ordeal with Kellogg. Her sobs felt far too shallow and weak for the amount of anguish she felt constricting her throat and chest. As the wind continued to howl loudly in her ears, she welcomed the searing pain in her spine as a sort of punishment for what she had done to her innocent child. She felt she deserved it ten-fold.

There was no telling how long she had been bawling, but she did suddenly realize that her companion wasn’t just sitting quietly beside her. He had gently wrapped his arms around her, almost as if he was shielding her from the world. Between pathetic sniffling and sighing, Alex felt each of his slow, even breaths as she relaxed into his chest and tried to match her breathing with his. She could smell him again, too, like she had several nights ago when they danced around the bunker in each other’s arms. That strangely lovely combination of old cigarettes, smoke, sweat, and faint traces of whiskey drove her to embrace him right back. They sat together, hugging tightly in the blanket, for what felt like years.

“I’m so sorry… I hope I didn’t dump too much on you. That really wasn’t fair of me,” she mumbled after a long time, once she had calmed her tears. A deep blush colored her cheeks as she pulled away and buried her hands in her lap.

“You didn’t. Don’t worry about that,” MacCready said down to her, and she suddenly noticed he had been crying, too. She reached a hand up to brush some of his tears away and he squeezed his eyes shut as if he was in pain. “Sorry. What you said, it just…”

Alex took his hand and gently held it. “It’s okay, you can tell me. Whatever it is, I’ll listen.”

“My son is sick, too. I-I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but he’s in a lot of pain. And he’s dying, I think. Last I heard, he’s been sleeping most of the day and that’s it, at least until the pain wakes him up again.” He sat and stared out the window for a long while, and both of them were silent. “Before you said all that, I never thought… I never thought that pain could make you feel that way. That it could be so bad, it makes you want to die. And… God, and there’s nothing I can do to help Duncan right now, and he must be feeling that way, too. Like it’s too much to keep going.”

“Where is he?” she asked softly, desperately hoping there was a way she could help. Even if she couldn’t bring his son any medicine, she thought she might be able to come up with some temporary remedies, or at the very least try to cheer the little boy up. It may even take her mind off Shaun.

“I couldn’t bring him with me, he was too sick. He’s back home, in the Capital Wasteland.”

That wasn’t the answer she was expecting, and her mind abruptly went blank on what to say next. Alex looked away but kept holding his hand. “Oh. Okay, then.”

“Hmph, you must think I’m cruel to leave him behind,” he said, letting contempt color his tone. Though, it didn’t seem to be directed at her.

“No, I don’t think that. You seem like you really love him, so whatever your reason for leaving him, I’m sure it was for the best. And I’m sure you hate being away from him, especially now,” Alex replied. She gingerly rubbed his arm as she frowned. That must have been what he was so sad about every night when he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, far away from her.

“Do you always give people the benefit of the doubt?” MacCready asked as he shook his head. “You’re right, though. I can’t stand being away from him, but I needed caps, and there were no jobs for me in D.C. So, I didn’t have much of a choice to travel up to the Commonwealth without him.”

The sleet outside had slowly turned into a gentle snowfall and white powder was starting to build up on the windowsill. It was far colder out than it had been earlier in the evening, and even Dogmeat crawled over to curl up against their legs. With only one flimsy blanket in the whole cabin and an even flimsier sleeping bag, they were going to have a rough night. Alex shivered and hunched her shoulders.

“How much money do you need? If you want, I don’t mind lending you some,” she said, her offer entirely sincere. After all, if it would help his son, she wanted to do what she could.

His face screwed up and he quickly shook his head again. “I can’t ask you to do that, Alex.”

“I want to help. Please, if there’s anything I can do…”

“You really want to help, huh?” he said after a while, looking into her eyes. His were still red from crying, but no longer teary. He sighed as he spoke again. “Okay, look… You remember how I told you I used to be in the Gunners? Well, I left them a while back and they seem to think I still owe them. I wasn’t too worried about it, at least not until two of those assh- _idiots_ , Winlock and Barnes, tracked me down to the Third Rail. They’ve been hounding me for months, and it’s been driving off clients. No one wants to touch me once they learn I used to run with the Gunners. And I figured if I could get enough caps together, then maybe I could buy them out.”

Alex remembered those two douchebags she had seen harassing him at the bar. But after everything she had heard about that gang, and considering just one of those huge thugs could take on MacCready and easily win, she didn’t think he had much of a chance. She chewed her lip and shook her head as she looked back up at him. “I don’t know if that’s such a great idea. I mean, I get what you’re trying to do, but don’t you think they would just take your caps and… kill you?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about. Winlock and Barnes have a small army of gunners with them at all times. If I set up a place to meet them, I’m sure they’d roll in with everyone they’ve got. That’s where you come in. Maybe you and I could pay them a little visit and put an end to them before they realize what’s going on,” he said, cocking an eyebrow. “And before you get that look on your face, let me just say that I wouldn’t even be asking if I didn’t trust you.”

“Well, I don’t have a better idea, so… sure! Whatever you need, I’m there,” she said, giving him a tiny smile in return. If they could take out Kellogg and all his synths, they could surely take on a bunch of asshole gunners, right?

“I don’t know what to say. Truth is, I haven’t been able to rely on anyone since I was a kid. Everyone I’ve met has either tried to rip me off or plant a knife in my back,” he murmured, looking relieved. “But you. You’re different. We see eye-to-eye on almost everything. And I have a funny feeling you actually care about what happens to me. So, thanks for agreeing to help me out with this. It’s nice to know that you care.”

“Like you said, that’s what friends are for,” she said, carefully embracing him. “And if you ever need anything else, I’d be happy to help. All you have to do is ask.”

Another hour went by as they quietly watched the snow fall outside the window. The little drift of white that had built up on the windowsill eventually toppled over, dumping handfuls of snow at their feet. Poor Dogmeat was startled awake and shook his fur before crawling underneath the bed. The two of them curled up tighter in the blanket together, but it was still barely enough to keep them from shivering in the cold. And to think, it would get even colder as the winter dragged on! Eventually, though, the exhaustion got to Alex and her head slowly dropped against MacCready’s shoulder as her eyelids fluttered shut. She sighed peacefully as she drifted to sleep there, but he didn’t move her away.

***

There was no telling how long she had been asleep, but the sound of gunshots instantly woke her. Bleary-eyed and frantic, she scrambled across the snow-covered floor on her hands and knees. On the other side of the dresser, she made herself small and listened closely for any other sudden noise. Her eyes quickly scanned the cabin in the silence and she realized that MacCready was no longer around. In fact, Dogmeat had wandered off, too. Her heart pounded in her chest as she searched around the room for her missing rifle, desperate to find something to defend herself with. It was laid carefully across a table near the door, not at all where she’d left it, but at least it hadn’t entirely disappeared. Maybe MacCready had moved it once she had fallen asleep. But where the hell was he now? She rose quietly from her spot and retrieved it before she headed for the door.

“Do-Dogmeat? Where’d you go, buddy?” Alex whispered, her voice shaky as she poked her head through the doorway. Her eyes showed her nothing in the dark, but she did hear a faint whimpering from somewhere in the snowy forest. “Dogmeat!”

There was no barking or whimpering in response to her calls. Instead, she heard another gunshot ring out again, close enough that it stung her ears and forced her to drop to her knees. Had someone found them? Oh god, if someone was out there, she was trapped. Her night-blind eyes were completely useless in the woods and by the time she was cornered in the cabin, it would be too late to fight back. Another gunshot and a piercing howl sent her flying back from the door, desperate to get away, to hide, to do something! Anything! Her hurried footsteps echoed through the cabin as she ran to the back, grabbing pieces of her armor as she went. If someone was out there, she wasn’t going to go down without a fight.

Someone stepped up on the porch, moving slowly as they crept closer to the door. Alex’s heart beat in a fluttery panic, pumping adrenaline through her body as her vision focused on the door on the other end of the cabin. She raised the rifle in her arms, begging herself to calm down just enough to pull off a headshot. At such close range, she could land it. Of course she could. Her breathing slowed bit by bit, until the footsteps stopped directly in front of the door, and then she sucked in a breath and stared down the barrel of her gun. The door opened a few inches and abruptly stopped short.

“Alex? It’s just me. It’s MacCready.”

“Wh-what?” she mumbled, slowly lowering the rifle. The door cautiously swung open to reveal her tired companion, shivering in the icy cold. Dogmeat squeezed between his legs and raced into the room to greet her, happy and energetic as always. “Shit, you scared the hell out of me. Why didn’t you say something sooner? And what the hell were you shooting at?”

“It was just a couple ferals wandering around. I didn’t want to shout, in case there were more nearby. Sorry for scaring you,” he said quietly, shutting the door behind him. He brushed some snow from his coat as he sat down at the table and propped his rifle against the wall.

Alex sighed and tossed her things down with the rest of her pack, then laid her rifle across the dresser. On one hand, it was a relief that nobody had come through the door to shoot her, but she silently cursed him under her breath for getting her so worked up over nothing. She plopped down beside him at the kitchen table and dropped her chin in her hand. For a few moments, she studied his sleepy face as they sat across from each other in silence, at least until he noticed her staring and turned to scowl at her.

“I’ll take over watch. You need some sleep,” she said, flicking her head toward the bed.

“It’s almost morning.” MacCready frowned and lowered his head. “Already 5:40.”

“You didn’t… come wake me up?” Alex asked, frowning right back. It wasn’t her fault he hadn’t switched out with her, but that didn’t make her feel any less guilty.

“I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Besides, you needed the rest,” he said, shaking his head. Whether she had needed it or not, he was looking downright exhausted now.

“Go to sleep. We can head out after 9, and that way you can at least get a few hours,” she commanded, rubbing his shoulder as she stood. She picked the blanket up from where she had abandoned it on the floor, then wrapped it around him. “Please, go on. You need it, too.”

Thankfully, he didn’t argue with her as he got up from the table and shuffled over to the bed. She wondered if she should help him as she watched him very slowly kick his boots off, but decided it would probably just be inappropriate to help him undress. By the time the sun was just coming up a little bit later, he was curled in a tight ball on the thin, dirty mattress with his back to her, sleeping (mostly) peacefully. Alex gingerly laid the sleeping bag over him to stop his shivering before she went out to collect some mutfruit and tarberries for breakfast later.

Dogmeat followed at her heel as she wandered through the snowy forest. With some of the daylight back, she could now see the ghoul bodies heaped at the bottom of the hill and she felt her hand reflexively twisting the rifle strap across her chest. Only the sounds of their footsteps and some birds croaking in the trees echoed through the hills, but the snow provided excellent cover for ‘sleeping’ ghouls. She remembered vividly how MacCready had pointed out a particular snow drift and warned her of that exact danger. Almost as if on cue, a half-rotted feral had crawled out from under it, giving her companion yet another chance to show off.

Oh yes, she knew he was showing off. She knew he was showing off when he had lined up a couple raiders setting up camp, dozens of yards away, and picked them off one by one with just headshots. She knew he was showing off when he had dusted a travelling group of super mutants in the middle of the night, blowing them all up with just one shot to a suicider’s strapped-on nuke. Of course, he took every opportunity, but those stood out to her the most. The couple times they could have laid low and never been spotted, except that he just _had_ to shoot them. And it was always when she was close by and had her binoculars at the ready, because if she couldn’t see his handiwork, there wasn’t a point. It wasn’t ever a waste of ammo when she was watching.

“That boy is a real goof, huh?” she asked Dogmeat. He was keeping watch while she filled a basket full of wild mutfruit, but he stopped to look up at her and tilt his head. “Like, he’s goofy in a cute way. Y’know? He’s stubborn, though. I bet he makes a pretty good dad.”

Once she had gathered enough produce to make breakfast, Alex and Dogmeat trudged back up the hill. There wasn’t a working stove inside the cabin, which was fine considering she didn’t want to wake her companion anyway. She started up a fire in the old pit beside the cabin and began washing the tarberries and removing the little leaves and stems. It took a while, mostly because of her cold, shaking hands, but she had another hour or so. They had a bit of bread leftover from their last run-in with a trader, another one MacCready happened to know, so she had decided to make some fresh jam and toast. All the tarberries and a couple bits of mutfruit for sweetening ended up in the pot and she let them boil away while she got the bread ready. It was stale, but that was fine. Just about everything they ate was stale and she was used to it by now.

Eventually, she tucked the fresh jar of jam into the snow to cool and tossed the pot alongside it. The cleaning could get done later. As she stared into the open fire, Dogmeat whined softly and licked his lips, clearly ready for a meal. She glanced at the time on her Pip-Boy, nearly 8:30 now, and then back at the cabin. MacCready wasn’t up yet, and she wasn’t going to give him cold toast, so it looked as if their furry friend was going to enjoy breakfast first. Alex patted Dogmeat on the head as she cooked up some squirrel chunks and an old can of dog food for him. That would hold him over until they got to their next campout.

Her ears suddenly pricked up when she thought she heard a door shut somewhere behind her. She looked back over her shoulder to see the porch was empty, and she frowned. Keeping her voice low, she called out, “MacCready? You up?”

Nothing but a couple crows answered her and she commanded Dogmeat to stay put while she went to check the cabin. She tucked a thumb under her rifle strap, just in case, as she stepped across the porch and poked her head in the door. The inside of the cabin was silent and empty, except for their things. Even MacCready had disappeared again, leaving the blankets in a heap on the bed. His rifle was still there, but his pistol and hat were gone. Alex glanced toward the door in the back, the one they had thought was locked tight, and wondered why he would have gone out that way. Curiosity, and a little bit of fear, forced her to creep to the back of the cabin. There was indeed a key in the door now and she peeked out the window.

The back of the cabin overlooked a little stony drop off, and now that it was light out, she could see why the previous owner had put a huge window there. At the bottom of the hill sat a small, clear pool surrounded by a thick cover of trees and huge boulders. On the northern end of the pond was a rock alcove, and the unfrozen remains of a waterfall poured out into the pond from somewhere within it. It was beautiful, especially framed in smooth snow drifts. Her eyes wandered to a collection of trees situated closer to the window. There, behind the widest one, she could see MacCready’s green hat poking around the corner. He was facing the water, with his back to the tree and to her.

‘Aw, he really does love the outdoors. Too bad we don’t have a camera. This would be a great spot for him to take some pictures,’ she thought, feeling a grin spread on her face as she leaned against the windowsill. ‘Maybe we could go look in the vault for one, once we get back to Sanctuary.’

She continued to watch him for a few more minutes, lost in her thoughts, until he rolled his shoulders back into the tree. He was staring down at something and Alex craned her neck to see what it was, expecting some sort of little animal. There had been lots of squirrels and rabbits in the woods, even as cold as it was, and they had made a game of being the first to point them out. Instead of an animal, he was holding up a magazine or something and she squinted at it. It took a bit for her eyes to focus on the colorful page and-

“OH!”

Her cheeks instantly began to burn a fiery red as she stumbled back from the window and clapped a hand over her mouth. There was no telling if it was her outburst or the sound of her bumbling footsteps that did her in, but MacCready almost instantly snapped his head up and glared daggers at her. Just before she slipped away from the window, she saw him shove the pin-up magazine in his coat and shuffle further behind the tree.

It was a long while before Alex heard the front door of the cabin open and shut, and she kept her eyes pointed straight ahead over the fire pit as the sound of his footsteps crunched through the thin snow behind her. Fresh embarrassment washed over her again and she pursed her lips. Once he stopped beside her, she held out a little plate of warm toast and the jar of jam.

“I’m- I made b-breakfast,” she whimpered, refusing to look at him. He slowly took his seat beside her and accepted the food.

“Oh, so you’re embarrassed this time? If I didn’t know you any better, I’d start to think you were doing that on purpose,” he said, his tone a little harsh with her. But then she heard him snort and could see a smile on his face out of the corner of her eye.

“I can’t- I c-can’t see very well. I di-didn’t…”

“I know,” he chuckled. He took a bite out of the toast and then tapped her knee with his knuckles. “I swear, one of these days you’re going to give me a heart attack. Can’t be sneaking up on me like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:) Heheheheh! I actually had a dream about the last scene before I wrote it in. I think I did it justice lol. Anyway, I'm glad that they're getting closer to each other finally, they're both doing the slow-to-trust dance! But it's coming... just a... few... more... chapters....
> 
> Thank you for reading! Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Be sure to subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag, #squintsofficialwriting!


	11. You're Somebody Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On their way back to Diamond City, Alex falls unable to continue travelling and MacCready must make some realizations about his past and their relationship going forward. With their friendship seemingly up in the air, Alex begins again to try to figure him out.

**-MacCready-**

A freezing blast of wind rattled a few loose boards in the tip of the steeple, but he just ignored them. He couldn’t really ignore the cold, though, and he shivered pathetically as he kept his back firmly against a wooden crate. It wasn’t doing that much to break the wind. With a frustrated sigh, he brought his binoculars up and surveyed the area again. Still nothing. It was broad daylight, and fucking cold, and the church was the only building with four walls around for miles, but he was just going to have to keep his ears perked up and listen for anyone that might stumble into their spot. Otherwise his ass was going to freeze to the top of this tower.

The stairs below him seemed to spiral down forever as he rubbed his hands together and huffed warm breath into his palms. Were his fingers normally this pale? Shit, he really needed to find his gloves. There was a pair stuffed in the bottom of his pack at some point, at least he’d thought. Maybe they fell out. Or hell, he could have just balled them up and chucked them in the river for all he knew. He made a mental note to pick up another pair once they reached Diamond City.

MacCready froze when he reached the bottom of the steps. Around the corner, he could still hear Alex writhing around on the sleeping bag. They had stopped because she was in too much pain to keep walking, but then by the time they had reached the church, she couldn’t even stand. He had offered her a stimpak, thinking it was the gunshot wound in her hip, but she shook her head. It was her back, she said. She was shaking and paler than usual and clawing at the middle of her spine, but she didn’t cry or moan or anything. It was more pain than he’d ever seen her in; hell, probably more pain than he had seen Lucy in when she gave birth to Duncan. And Lucy didn’t stop crying for two hours because she said it hurt so bad. But Alex just… accepted it. She accepted it without bitching, even when she collapsed near the pulpit because her legs were shaking so hard. She was too heavy for him to carry, so he had wrapped an arm around her and pulled her up to the second floor, then laid out the sleeping bag so she wouldn’t be lying on the hard floorboards. It wasn’t much, but at least she was hidden.

It had been an hour and a half now since they had reached the church. Guess they were going to be staying there a second night, then. She had pulled out that bottle with the label that looked like Med-X no less than three times since they had stopped across town, but as he rounded the corner, she was obviously still in excruciating pain. There was no telling what had even sparked this. Unless she had gotten stabbed or something and didn’t tell him, this was entirely unexpected. As he took a few cautious steps toward her, she finally let out a little, shaking gasp.

“Get my first aid pack. I can’t do this anymore,” Alex cried, pointing frantically toward her backpack. On one side, she carried a bright red pouch where he knew she kept all sorts of medications. Tears were finally starting to fill her eyes and he didn’t waste any time bringing it over. “There’s a Med-X syringe in there, already full.”

Actually, there were two, each loaded with four full doses. He carefully slipped it out, his eyes lingering a little too long on everything _else_ she had in the pouch. Besides the stimpaks and bandages, she kept a couple handfuls of prescription bottles. These were not your usual Buffout and Rad-X; these bottles carried long, unpronounceable names, and even longer lists of warnings along the sides. He couldn’t even begin to guess what they were for and she was still suffering right in front of him, so he zipped up the pouch full of his curiosity and put it away. It wasn’t his business, anyway. Probably never would be.

Her hand reached for the syringe and MacCready watched as she clumsily unsheathed the needle and tried to steady it against her arm. There was no fucking way she could do it herself, not when she was shaking so badly and could hardly see through the tears in her eyes. It was the very last thing in the world he wanted to do, but he told himself that this was different, that it was needed in a different, very real way. The way it was intended.

“Give it here. I’ll do it for you,” he murmured, gently taking the syringe from her grasp. It fell into that familiar position in his fingers as he straightened her arm and held it still. He swallowed hard and held his breath as he slid the needle into her arm.

“Two…” she whispered, holding up a pair of fingers.

Goddamn it.

He did as he was asked, though, depressing the end of the syringe until he felt the second click. There was a momentary pause that seemed to last forever. Then he turned his head and watched as Lucy was already beginning to dry the tears from her eyes. The shaking slowly calmed as she sighed and grit her teeth. It burned where he had put the needle in, like always. He knew that. He remembered. She reached out and put a hand on his arm, but he shifted away from her and just let her hand fall. He wanted nothing to do with her.

“Mac?”

One foot was already on the steps, ready to run from his responsibility to her like always. But something in her quiet voice made him pause. Maybe… Maybe this time she would still be the same. Maybe this time her slurred speech wouldn’t scare him, and he wouldn’t have to run away from her uncharacteristic taunts. Maybe this time the drugs wouldn’t make her angry.

“Yeah?” he breathed, slowly turning around to face his wife.

But Lucy didn’t have long, curly brown hair or pale skin that was covered in freckles or piercing blue eyes that seemed to gaze through everything he said and see right into his heart. Lucy had loved and cared for him with everything she had, but it was in her own way and not like the woman who sat before him, who could read his mind and who constantly tried to do everything in her power to make him happy, for no good reason and for nothing in return. He barely knew this woman, but he somehow knew that she would become a slave to him if it made him even a tiny bit pleased.

But this was not a revelation he wanted to have right this minute.

“Why are you crying?” Alex asked, now on her knees as she stared him in the eyes.

“It’s not important.”

“If you’re crying, it must be important.”

“It just reminded me of Duncan aga-“

“It’s not about your son. I _know_ it’s not about your son.”

“I can’t talk about it,” MacCready choked, feeling his eyes well up with tears again as he dashed up the stairs and disappeared from her.

**-Alex-**

“No, nothing happened. It sometimes just… flares up like that,” she said, biting back some annoyance in her tone as their boots crunched over a floor of glass shards and bits of concrete. ‘He doesn’t know the details, don’t bite his head off for asking questions. Just answer them so he knows for next time.’ She offered up a cigarette as they stopped to check the map. “I think it has something to do with the fluid pressure. You got spinal fluid flowing up and down your spinal column, y’know? For normal people, the pressure stays pretty consistent, but mine gets stuck or stops filtering out, and then it crushes the parts of my spinal cord that are fucked up.”

“Damn. Well, alright then. I guess… let me know if you, I don’t know, need something next time,” MacCready replied, lighting up the cigarette he had bummed off of her. He still kept his head down, trying not to make eye contact with her if he could help it. Not after all… _that._

That was the thing about travelling with someone in the wasteland. If you were relying on each other to keep one another safe, you had to stick together almost 24/7, and that meant you saw just about everything. Especially when both of you were tired, hungry, and generally stressed out. It reminded Alex of being in elementary school; getting stuck in a room full of the same kids for 7 or 8 hours a day, 5 days out of the week made sure that you saw things about the other kids that they didn’t necessarily want anyone else to see. Like the weird kid who tries to secretly eat glue in the corner of the room, or the little girl who talks out loud to herself at the back of the playground. In this case, they had both unwillingly shared something about themselves at the same time, but Alex didn’t know if that made it better, or worse.

Sure, she had already known there had to be a woman that had come and gone in his life. Him having a son was, of course, solid proof of that, and she had pieced together all of the little comments he had made enough to realize that he must have been married at some point. Or at the very least, in a very intimate relationship, perhaps an engagement even. But she was extremely perceptive of other people and something told her that he wouldn’t have just had a kid with the first woman to fall in his bed. Where this woman was now, Alex didn’t know. For a second, she had guessed the mother of his child was doing her duty and caring for Duncan, but something else, maybe the way he subtly flirted with her on occasion, had told her that this woman was no longer around.

Then she had watched something come over his eyes while he had administered her Med-X. It was a mixture of all sorts of emotions, some very subtle and fleeting while others were nearly tangible to her. His eyes mostly seemed very sad, like they did often, with a little bit of frustration and loneliness mixed in. He didn’t seem to notice, and didn’t correct himself, when he had suddenly called her by a different name. ‘Lucy, please stay still…’ he had whispered, mainly to himself. She thought back to another comment he’d made several weeks before, when they first visited the Dugout Inn together. ‘I don’t mess around with drugs,’ he’d said, avoiding her eyes that time, too. His girlfriend, or wife, or whatever she was to him, had likely left him, or he’d left her, over a drug addiction.

She wasn’t a mind reader by any stretch, but lots of people assumed she was. Alex was just really good at surveying people and made very close assumptions based on things she learned about them, however subtle the clues were. It came in handy almost all the time, but it also made her sad a lot of the time, too. She cared a lot about other people and their feelings, even if she didn’t know them very well.

“I think… we took a wrong turn back at the last major intersection. We’re supposed to be here--” she pointed at one spot on her Pip-Boy map-- “but we need to be here.” They were about eight or nine miles too far to the south and the road they were on was going to run out in another mile or two. There were no cross streets, just a bunch of open fields that could be home to anything. “God, I just want to get back to Diamond City so I can take a fucking shower.”

“Ditto. Um, we have some daylight left, so I think it should be safe to cross the field this time. We can send Dogmeat ahead to keep an eye out for molerats,” MacCready said, rubbing his fingers against his eyes. Dogmeat trotted closer when he heard his name and puffed out his little chest. “Once we get over there, we’ll have to move quick to find a place to camp at, though. I mean, ‘doesn’t have to have a roof or be clear, but needs to be above street level’ kind of quick.”

“Alright. Shit. Let’s hurry up and move, then.” Alex led the way out of the bombed shell of a building and pointed them north east. The sun was going to set in about two hours, which gave them time assuming they didn’t stop for too many pee breaks or get attacked more than once or twice. “Dogmeat, lead the way!”

The shepherd raced ahead of them and kept his nose to the ground, ready to alert to any danger that may have been waiting to ambush them. Alex and MacCready kept their rifles at the ready and their eyes scanned the lifeless, snowy field. For a while, they didn’t speak, but after they had crossed close to two miles in silence, she clicked the radio on and kept the volume low.

_“Well I took my Geiger and I started to climb - Right up to the top where I thought I'd find - A hunk of rock that would make it click-“_

“I’m surprised we haven’t seen more raiders. But then again, I doubt their stupid bondage fantasy outfits keep them from getting too cold,” Alex quipped, letting her rifle hang in front of her as she lit another cigarette. “And then there’s the Gunners, who refuse to wear shirts but are also probably scared of their nipples freezing right off.”

“I kind of want to know what goes on in that mind of yours, but at the same time I’m a little concerned,” he said after a few moments of quiet. His face didn’t give away any amusement, though she detected a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“You still got both nipples, right?” She raised an eyebrow and the corner of her mouth quirked up into a smirk.

“Uh, that’s a bit of a personal question, don’t you think?” he shot back with a little snort and a frown. “Just keep your eyes open on that side and let’s go. We don’t have much time to get there.”

Alex rolled her eyes and chuckled awkwardly. Well, he didn’t seem to want to play along, but at least she was getting him to lighten up some. She knew he was embarrassed about last night, of course. After what had happened, he had refused to speak to her all day and lagged much further behind than he ever had before as they crossed back through the town and continued heading east. Even Dogmeat hadn’t gotten a smile or a pet from him. Now he was walking alongside her and exchanging a few words, so that was some progress. _Some._ She was determined to make him feel better, no matter what it took.

A crushed box of snack cakes found their way into her hands and she smiled as one of the cakes rolled into her palm. Once unwrapped, the sweet smell wafted between them and she took a generous bite. “Mmmm, these are good. I can’t believe they’re hardly stale,” she mumbled, then held out the box. “Here, you want one?”

“ _No._ We need to hurry. Now stop eating and come on,” MacCready said, and his frown deepened. He quickly looked away when she gave him a sad look and tried to push a snack cake on him. “Stop it! Unless you want to get stuck out here in the dark!”

The last of the cake was shoved into her mouth as she put the box away and continued marching along. He still wouldn’t look back at her when she pulled her rifle into her hands again. Fine, she was just going to leave him to pout all by himself then.

_“If it acts just like a crosspatch - Has a face with whiskers that scratch - If it's stubborn as can be, mean and ornery - It's a man!”_

‘Yeah, he’s stubborn and ornery, alright. Big, dumb, mean… goofy… adorable… handsome… man.’

***

The sun was getting low and nearly ready to set when they checked the map again a while later. There was still another mile and a half, and there was no telling if there would be any buildings to bunker down in once they got there. They kept silent the rest of the way and picked up the pace, scanning the horizon for any danger or a place to rest for the night. The field lay bare in all directions, devoid of any people, animals, or mutants. Even in the winter time, the complete lack of life was a little strange. Surely there was something out there watching them.

Eventually a bit of grey, cracked pavement came into view up ahead and beyond it lay a handful of scattered buildings. The sun was halfway below the horizon and light was fading fast as Dogmeat trotted onto the road. He turned back to look as they both raced after him, desperate to get to shelter before it went dark. Alex moaned as they reached the edge of the street and she paused for a moment to catch her breath.

“Dogmeat, is there anything around? Find us a spot for the night,” MacCready said, breathing heavily as he peered around the buildings. They all looked empty, but only a few seemed decent enough to spend the evening in. “C’mon, I think he’s leading us to one in the back. Better to stay off the edge of the road in case any mutants pass through.”

She flipped the radio off and followed silently, glancing at the various structures as they passed. Judging by the squat factories and warehouses, it must have been some little industrial town. Several ramshackle houses lined the edges, but they didn’t seem safe enough or warm enough to bunk in. There was a little pharmacy with a living suite perched on top, and it even had a front window to watch for intruders, but the door was boarded up too tightly to break into. Dogmeat led them further, past a trashed diner, then a hardware store, and then right up to the front of a nearly intact warehouse. There was one set of steel double doors in and out, which Alex made quick work of the lock, and the windows were frosted and narrow. If there was nothing inside, they could easily make a fire somewhere in the center and barricade themselves for the night, going entirely unnoticed. It was perfect, especially considering how little sleep they had been getting between keeping watch.

One door squealed open and they poked a flashlight in, peering around at the wide, open floor. It was empty except for a couple random chairs, pallets, and toolboxes, but when she squinted, she noticed a few radroaches crawling around. Fucking gross. Dogmeat went in first, crushing a couple roaches that got too close, and sniffed along the tile floor for any recent scents. He made it all the way to the opposite end, looked up a staircase, and then turned back with a happy bark before running to Alex. Must have been safe, then. Well, other than the roaches.

They made a quick game out of shooting roaches from the doorway, and she hoped that was the very last of the disgusting things as they stepped into the warehouse. While she went to break down a pallet and make a fire for the night, MacCready worked on barricading the door. Thankfully it had a latch bar, but the thing was stuck tight, at least until he greased it up and tugged hard. It clattered into place with a deafening metallic thud. Oh yeah, nothing was getting past that thing. He cocked his eyebrows and sauntered over to the barrel she was filling with bits of wood, then dragged a pair of half-finished armchairs up to it. A couple roach carcasses were kicked away from their spot in the center of the room before he dusted the chairs off.

“I don’t know about you, but I hope there’s a couple couches around here. I’m not really looking forward to sleeping on the ground,” he complained, taking a seat in front of the barrel. He sprawled out in the chair and got comfortable after their long hike, then picked at the uncovered foam wrapped over one arm. The little bits of yellow foam floated to the ground as he flicked them away.

“That’ll teach you to forget your sleeping bag!” she shouted back across the warehouse. She tossed a few more boards in with the rest and then lit a long splinter with her lighter. It set the whole thing ablaze pretty quickly and they both enjoyed getting to warm up again. Once she was toasty warm and relaxed, she tilted her head and quietly studied her companion for a bit. The light from the fire danced across his face, illuminating different features as it moved.

Eventually he noticed and stared right back as the fire popped and crackled in front of them. Alex felt a smile pulling at her cheeks, but he didn’t return it. Instead, he raised an eyebrow. “Need something?”

“What do you want for dinner?” she asked. Some yummy food would definitely get him in a better mood. Once he’d had a bit of time to decide, she pulled some beers from her pack and got to cooking up lots of meat and potatoes. He seemed happy enough with a couple drinks and a chance to rest, and by the time dinner was nearly ready, he was already smiling and content again.

Afterwards, when they had gotten plenty to eat, they set to work looking for a comfortable spot to sleep. Unfortunately, it seemed like they were out of luck on the couch situation. Nothing except a wastebasket and an old set of drawers was left in the front office, and the upstairs space was equally as empty. After searching diligently for anything they could sleep on, the pair returned to the fire with nothing to show. MacCready crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at the floor, effectively pouting at the lack of any comfy spots. It wasn’t an altogether unexpected reaction, though; he usually wasn’t any less grumpy after dinner if things didn’t go his way. Alex sighed and pulled the sleeping bag out of her pack, then spread it out on the floor near the barrel. Hopefully there were no more roaches around to come crawl on them.

“We can share. It won’t be much more comfortable, but it’s something,” she said, pointing down at the sleeping bag. The ratty blanket from the cabin was tossed over it to make a little floor cot. It wasn’t the most appealing, but she thought it was better than laying on some broken tiles.

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll just sleep on the floor,” he said, shaking his head as pushed the chairs aside. He tossed his coat and belts over one as he stripped down to his pants and undershirt.

“Mac, get over here. You’re not sleeping on the bare floor. It’s cold and probably filthy, too. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping next to each other,” she said, her voice firm this time. She pointed at the sleeping bag again as he stared over at her, which she hoped put more weight behind her words that she _really_ didn’t mind sharing.

“Fine…” He sighed and rolled his eyes as he stepped over to the makeshift bed and laid on his back, making sure to leave plenty of room for her. Alex sat down beside him and shook the blanket out, then spread it evenly over the two of them. She smiled at him as she curled up on her side of the cot.

“See, this isn’t so bad. Ya big baby,” she teased, giggling as he scoffed at her.

“I’m not a baby. I just didn’t want to… impose on your space,” he mumbled back, his eyes looking everywhere but hers. His arms were crossed over his chest again. “Now are you going to sleep, or were you planning on having some weird campfire chat?”

“I’m sleepy, but if you want to talk, we can. I don’t mind.” She smiled even as her eyelids fluttered.

“No, I’ll let you sleep. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Alex yawned and pulled the blanket around her, still facing MacCready as she drifted to sleep. Between blinks, she noticed he had turned his head to look over at her. Last she saw, he was smiling sweetly at her in the dim firelight.

***

_Click-click. Click-click. Click-click._

MacCready shot up beside her, taking a deep breath. He stared around the room as Alex groaned and threw an arm over her eyes. God, what the hell was wrong with him? She was sleeping here! It was too soon for her voice to work right, so she just sighed and rolled over, trying to ignore him. Then he put a hand on her back and shook her awake again.

“Mac, what the hec-!”

“D’you hear that? That damn clicking noise? It keeps wakin’ me up,” he complained, gesturing up toward the ceiling.

Well, she was up now, so she might as well figure out whatever it was he was talking about. She listened closely for a second, and sure enough, there was some incessant clicking coming from… somewhere. It was echoing a bit in the open warehouse, so pinpointing its source was going to be difficult. But it really hadn’t been bothering her, so it didn’t seem worth it to waste precious sleeping time trying to hunt it down. She shook her head and curled up under the blanket again.

“You’re gonna have to find it yourself. I’m too tired,” she said, yawning softly. Behind her, she could hear MacCready as he got up from the floor cot and wandered around the warehouse to find the noise. Eventually he circled back to where they had camped out and he started looking through their stuff for it. At one point, he stopped and she hoped that was the end of it.

“Is this thing supposed to be clicking like this?” he said, and Alex rolled over again to see him holding up her Pip-Boy. When he brought it closer, she realized it _was_ clicking, softly but steadily.

“Oh, shit… I think that’s the Geiger counter. It wasn’t clicking earlier,” she murmured. She took it from him and flipped the light on, and sure enough, the needle on the Geiger was slowly flicking up and down. “I never heard it clicking when we got here. I don’t even know what in here would be radioactive.”

Both of them glanced around the room, looking for something they may have missed. Nothing had crept in while they were sleeping, either, at least not through the latched doors. It could have been one of the radroaches, but she didn’t think they gave off that much radiation. Perhaps something in the basement? They never did go down there to check it out. It was just an old furniture factory, so they hadn’t thought there would be anything down there besides supplies. She looked down at the time; just past 6 a.m., and the sun was coming up outside the windows, so they could hurry and get out while they still had all their hair.

“I didn’t hear it either. Not until a couple hours ago. How many rads does it say we got?” MacCready said, looking incredibly nervous. She didn’t think she had ever seen him that nervous, except maybe that very first morning in Goodneighbor when she thought he was going to jump out of his skin. There was still no telling what that had been about.

“Um…” Alex squinted at the little dial and her eyes went wide. “Shit, like 490, 500 or so. It must have been going since we got here, and we just couldn’t hear it.”

She thought she heard him swear under his breath as he instantly started throwing clothes on and packed up their things. Or maybe it was just her imagination. After all, he didn’t seem the type to always stop himself from cursing, yet he did it anyway. That wasn’t really all that important right this minute, though, and she jumped up to help him pack. Dogmeat even came to their aid and helped her roll up the blanket and sleeping bag to return them to her backpack. It was easily the fastest they had ever gotten ready and all three of them practically sprinted out the door to get away from whatever was hitting them with radiation.

Once they had gotten far enough into the street to stop the clicking, Alex pulled her pack in front of her and started digging through it. “Still doesn’t look like anyone is around here, so we could stop in another building and take some Rad-Aw- Oh…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m out of Rad-Away. The last one—“ she produced an empty IV bag and pointed to a tiny hole in one side—“ leaked out. We’ll have to find one or wait until we get to Diamond City.”

MacCready sighed as he rubbed a hand over his eyes and dropped his gaze to the road. Yeah, he definitely swore that time, just barely loud enough that she knew she wasn’t imagining it. Honestly, she didn’t think there was that much to be upset about. It wasn’t like they were going to drop dead right away, and she still felt just fine. Alex rolled her eyes and pointed out to the main road.

“Well, let’s hurry. If we don’t stop too often, we can get there before dark. It’s only another 35 miles or so,” she called, already walking away with Dogmeat. At least the dog wasn’t panicking over a little radiation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing that from Mac's perspective was really hard, I definitely feel for the poor guy. But I'm not quite done beating him up just yet. At least Alex will be there to come to his rescue ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading! Updates are Tue/Fri until further notice. Please bookmark, subscribe, or follow my tumblr tag, #squintsofficialwriting, to stay up to date.


	12. Half Believing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that they've made it back to Diamond City in one piece, more or less, MacCready wants answers from her, but Alex isn't even quite ready to admit them to herself yet.

**-Alex-**

The lights surrounding Diamond City loomed in the distance, drawing them out from the cracked road and snowy wilderness. ‘The Great, Green Jewel of the Commonwealth.’ Well, it was clean, and it was green, but Alex didn’t know if she would call it a ‘jewel’, exactly. The people there certainly weren’t jewels. She had received a warmer welcome in Goodneighbor, all things considered, and the best part was that it completely lacked a reporter that followed at her heels like a puppy. The junkies and drifters there also didn’t cower or look down on her when she walked past in full gear, and they didn’t let their children run barefoot through the streets, like little animals that slammed against her knees. But then, Goodneighbor didn’t have a kick-ass noodle stand. So she was a little torn on which town she liked better, but it was safe to say that she remained cautious when staying in either one.

Right now, the little room at the Dugout Inn was going to feel like a 5-star presidential suite compared to the sleeping bag thrown haphazardly on whatever flat surface she could find. And that shower… The water wouldn’t even be hot, just mildly warm, but it was still a godsend. She had never wanted so desperately to take a shower, except maybe after a surgery, or that time she tripped and fell in a gigantic puddle of mud. Even five minutes in the water was going to feel so damn good.

“You’re not dying on me back there, are ya?” Alex called out. She looked over her shoulder to see MacCready just barely trudging along through the frost on the road, a good 20 feet or so behind. The poor thing. His hat was pulled low, but she could still see how pale his face was as he chewed his bottom lip. Once she had given him a moment to catch up, she ducked her head to look under his hat and raised a hand to his clammy cheek, but he pulled away. “We’re almost there. I’ll take you straight to Dr. Sun, he’ll fix you up. Try to hurry, though. I don’t want him to go home before we get into the city.”

They hadn’t had much time to scavenge for a Rad-Away, but they were lucky to have come across a friendly wastelander who offered them half a bag. The guy charged them full price, of course, but they took it anyway. Alex had tried to split it with MacCready, but he shook his head and insisted she take the entire dose for herself. It was enough to completely cure her rads and keep her pain from getting worse, but she still felt terrible that he had to manage such terrible radiation sickness for their entire trip. He’d been alright for the first few hours, but now he was complaining of a headache and dragged his feet as they travelled in silence.

Alex stayed close to him as they wandered into downtown Boston. Dogmeat ran ahead to check for raiders or mutants, thankfully turning up nothing along the dark side streets. They slipped down one narrow alleyway, squelching dirty, half-melted snow under their boots, to avoid a group of raiders throwing beer bottles from the roof of an apartment building. Their hollering echoed across the crammed buildings and she struggled to listen for any danger in front of them. As Dogmeat went to check the way for them again, she poked her head out at the end of the alley and peered around at the road. It looked dead, but there was always the possibility of an ambush in these old ruins. There was a quiet little moan from behind her and she turned to see MacCready hunched over, his hands braced against his knees as he stared down at the ground.

“Are you going to be alright?” she murmured, carefully stepping over to rub his back when he didn’t move for a while. He didn’t answer right away, but she felt his shoulders suddenly tense up and then slowly ease back. After a couple moments, he spat into the snow and straightened up. His eyes were dark and tired and his cheeks were flushed.

“Rads are making me feel sick to my stomach,” he said, keeping his voice low. He clenched his jaw and let his eyes slowly wander, looking around for… she didn’t know what. Maybe he was dizzy.

“I’m sorry. We’re almost to Diamond City, it’s just three more blocks,” Alex replied. She pulled a sad frown as she gave him a sympathetic pat on the arm. Dogmeat trotted back to the beginning of the next alley and barked twice, indicating the way was clear. She gestured toward the dog and took a step forward. “C’mon, you can make it. Just stay close and I’ll keep an eye out.”

It was a struggle to watch where Dogmeat was taking them next as he weaved through the maze of buildings _and_ to make sure MacCready was still following relatively closely as they trudged through the snow and loose gravel. Three blocks wasn’t that far, but it sure seemed to drag on forever. She led him through the alleys as slowly as she could and looked back every time she heard him sigh or moan, or when she hadn’t heard him in a while. Sometimes, he would stop walking and she would watch as he tensed his shoulders again, but nothing would happen and he would just clench his jaw as they kept moving. Around the third or fourth time she had to stop for him, she started to regret not forcing him to share the Rad-Away with her. Had they split it, they both would have stumbled into Diamond City with a little bit of radiation sickness, but at least he wouldn’t be on the verge of spilling his guts every couple feet.

When they finally arrived at the gate into the city, both breathing a quiet sigh of relief, Alex reached out a hand to gently rub his back some more. There wasn’t much else she could do to help him, at least not until they got inside, but she wanted to do something for him. She _needed_ to do something for him. Either it wasn’t bothering him, or he was too sick to care, but he didn’t move away from her as she massaged his tight back. He sighed again when they stepped towards the busy market and she could feel his muscles relaxing beneath her hand.

Luckily, Dr. Sun, Diamond City’s resident physician, was still puttering around the clinic, though he gave them a not-so-friendly look when they stepped up just before closing time. “This better be an emergency!” he barked, tossing his cigarette aside.

“He just needs a rad sickness treatment, that’s it. If you’re heading home, I’ll pay for the supplies and do it myself,” Alex pleaded, cutting MacCready off before he could ask. She held up her obviously quite full caps purse and stared Dr. Sun down until he rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Fine, get in here. But I’m doing this as a favor for _you_ , Alex, so keep that in mind,” he said as he waved them in. He sized MacCready up under the overhead lamp and clucked his tongue, then pointed at a bed in the corner. “You look terrible. Go lie down while I get the treatment ready. You’re going to need a double dose.”

While her companion lowered himself onto the covered bed and folded his hands on his chest, Alex pulled a chair over to sit beside him. With his hat tipped back and his eyes closed, she could see just how much worse he looked in the light. There was really no telling why he had let her have the entire dose of Rad-Away, not when he was obviously feeling so bad. She’d thought he was trying to be polite, to be a gentleman and allow her to go first as a lady, but then she remembered he wasn’t like that any other time. Any time it didn’t involve her, he was determined to get his way, and manners didn’t usually have a place in his world. Perhaps he was just trying to keep things professional. But honestly, at this point, their relationship was mostly friendly, rather than strictly business. Hell, they’d seen enough of each other that it really couldn’t be considered a ‘strictly business’ relationship. She pursed her lips as she looked him over, praying he would be feeling better soon.

“Why are you always staring at me?” he suddenly mumbled, barely cracking an eye to look up at her.

“You need some water. Here, sit up,” she said as she held out a fresh can. He sighed and pulled himself up to take it from her, but he just held it in his lap. She frowned and gestured towards it, but he still didn’t make a move.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” His voice was starting to give away some of his exasperation. When she didn’t reply, he raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “You can go talk to Valentine while I’m getting this. No need for you to waste your time sitting here.”

Alex shook her head. “I’m not leaving. I don’t mind keeping you company for a little bit and… and I want to make sure you’ll be okay,” she said quietly, glancing down at her hands in her lap. “It was kinda my fault, since I didn’t hear my Geiger counter.”

Before either of them could say anything else, Dr. Sun returned with two huge syringes and sat on a stool near the head of the bed. Each syringe was full of some purply liquid, and he placed them in a clean tray before grabbing MacCready’s wrist to prepare the inside of his elbow for the injections. It was going to be a lot, especially all at once like this, and Alex caught herself chewing on her bottom lip as she stared over the doctor’s shoulder. Dr. Sun squinted as he worked, trying to see with what was left of the dying sunlight and the dim lamp. Without warning, he positioned the needle and stabbed it into MacCready’s vein, making both of them jump in surprise. She watched with huge, apprehensive eyes as the whole syringe was emptied into his arm, and then swiftly replaced with the second one.

“You’ll need to sit and rest for a while, at least until the side effects wear off. It seems as though Alex is staying, so she can watch you for the time being,” Dr. Sun told him as he removed the syringe and bandaged his arm. Then the doctor turned back to Alex and lowered his voice as he addressed her. “This formulation is much more powerful than plain Rad-Away, so be sure to watch him for any dizziness or lightheadedness. There will definitely still be some nausea, maybe some sleepiness. Don’t let him drink for 24 hours, only water. He can start moving around again in an hour if he wants. If you see any swelling, come get me or Doc Crocker.”

With the instructions out of the way, Dr. Sun collected his things and headed home for the evening, leaving her completely in charge. She wasn’t sure exactly why he trusted her so much, but maybe it was because of all the stories she’d told him a couple weeks earlier while she was buying supplies. Oh well, it would be easier to speak freely when no one else was around.

“Holy crap,” MacCready breathed, swaying in slow circles as he struggled to sit up. After a few moments of blinking and trying to steady himself, he frowned and turned his eyes to Alex. “Alright, I think I’m good. Let’s go find Valentine.”

“No, you’re staying right there for another hour. I don’t want you falling and cracking your head open,” she scolded, taking him by the shoulders as he tried to stand. “We’ve got all the time in the world to go see Nick _after_ you’re feeling better. Alright? Just lay down and relax for a bit.”

With his palms raised in a show of cooperation, he plopped back down on the bed and leaned his back against the wall as he folded his legs. That didn’t keep him from tossing her a scowl, though. “Why do you care about me so much?” he said, narrowing his eyes.

“Because we’re friends, dummy. Of course, I’m going to care about you,” she shot back. She crossed her arms over her chest as her brow knit.

“Friends don’t normally take it as far as you do.”

“What is that supposed to mean? I care too much about you?” Alex threw her hands in the air and leaned toward him. ‘What the hell does he think he’s trying to get at? Does he not want you to care about what happens to him?’ She raised her eyebrows as she waited for his answer, but she was soon disappointed.

“Ah, just forget I said anything. I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” he said, abruptly ending the conversation with a little shake of his head. Then he looked away from her before she could speak again.

“No, you can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep starting a conversation, and then just end it like that, on a fucking cliffhanger! That’s not fair!” she said, even more frustrated with him now. But he still didn’t answer, and even had the gall to pull his hat down over his eyes and lowered his head as he crossed his arms over his chest. “MacCready, just answer the one question, and I’ll leave it alone. Promise.”

This time, he didn’t even shake his head, he just made a little noise in his throat that she took to be a “no.” Alex huffed and crossed her arms as she stared a hole into his hat. Normally she would just let these things go, chalking it up to his own embarrassment over backing himself into a corner. But this comment… There was no way she could let it go that easily. What was the problem with her caring about him? They were friends, maybe not close friends, but they spent all day, every day with each other. She knew a lot about him, and he knew a lot about her. She knew what annoyed him, what flavor snack cake was his favorite, which sock he put on first in the mornings. The list went on and on. Was he trying to say that he didn’t care about her? That didn’t seem very likely either, not after everything he had done for her in just the past couple days.

“You can’t just give me a criticism and not explain what you mean. Please just tell me and then I’ll leave you alone about it. I won’t ever ask again. Hell, I’ll _stop_ caring about you if that’s what you want!” she cried, gripping the edge of the mattress in both hands. His hat was pulled too low to see his eyes, even if she craned her neck, but she sure did try. All she managed to get out of him, though, was another soft “mm-mm” before he clenched his jaw. Alex froze at the side of the bed, staring up as she watched him tighten and then relax his jaw for another minute, and then she heard a tiny hiccup.

“Are you feeling okay?” she asked quietly as she gently laid a hand on his knee. A few minutes passed before he unclenched his jaw and pushed the brim of his hat up with his thumb.

“You’re doing it again,” MacCready mumbled, glancing up at her. It wasn’t an explanation, but that was all he left it at as he sighed and tilted his head back against the wall. He squeezed his eyes shut, groaned, and then brought a hand up to clutch his stomach. “Euuugh, I thought that crap was supposed to make me feel better... Oh god, I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Alex practically knocked the chair over as she scrambled to find something to shove into his hands. “Uuuum, hang on! Fuck! I think-!” She was throwing open cabinets and drawers left and right, practically trashing the place. Finally, she found an empty little bucket, pushed to the back of one of the bottom cabinets. A dozen other things went flying across the clinic floor as she ripped it out and forced it into his lap. “Here! Here…”

Standing awkwardly in the middle of a sea of junk, she bit her lip and couldn’t help but look on as he coughed and retched into the bucket. It was something she should have been disgusted by, but instead she found herself completely fascinated. Strange. She wondered for a second if she should get Dr. Sun, but then she was a little worried about leaving him there alone. Besides, it was dark out now, and she couldn’t remember where he lived. All the shacks looked the same in the dark; like black blobs.

“Gross…” he whispered, finally setting the bucket on the floor. His mouth pulled down into a grimace as he stuck his tongue out, making him look like a little kid for a moment. “Have you seen my water?”

The can had somehow relocated itself to a nearby desk, but she retrieved it for him and quickly brought it over to the bed. Once he had gotten a chance to rinse his mouth out, she curled up beside him and gingerly patted his back. He didn’t seem to mind her being so close again.

“Thanks. Feeling much better now,” he said with a little sigh. His voice was husky and a bit scratchy. After she had stroked his back for a while, he looked over his shoulder with a smile on his face. “Tell you what; I’ll answer your question now, _if_ you answer mine.”

“What was your question? I don’t remember now,” Alex said, letting her hand drift to his lower back. He flinched away at first, but then slowly relaxed at her touch.

“I asked you to tell me why you’re always staring at me.”

“Oh, well… you’re nice to look at,” she whispered, shrugging. It was true, but she wasn’t going to flat out tell him he was handsome. They were still just friends, after all, and she didn’t want him to think she was flirting. Besides, he could probably guess that was what she meant.

“Hmph, not exactly the answer I was expecting. But I have a feeling it’s going to tie into what I’m about to explain, somehow. Anyway,” he paused to turn towards her, so that he wasn’t twisting his neck to look at her, “I’m not oblivious. You seem to care about me more than you should. We still barely know each other, yet you always go out of your way to do things for me. Take _now_ , for example.”

“We’re friends. I mean, sure, we just met a month or so ago, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be looking out for you,” she replied, suddenly feeling her heart hammering away in her chest. But… she didn’t have feelings for him, right? No, no she didn’t! That was silly! They’d only known each other a few weeks, and he was younger than her! There was no way she had some stupid crush on him. MacCready gave her a skeptical look as he tilted his head, and she started to panic. “I mean, how do you know I don’t treat everyone else this way?”

The look on his face just grew stronger as he tilted his head the other way. “I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I highly doubt you’ve ever given anyone else that googly-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights look when all they did was wake up hungover. I’m also going to say that you’ve been doing it all evening, almost every time you look at me, and I’m starting to worry that your face is broken,” he said smoothly, completely shattering any argument she had against him.

‘Damn it, he’s good. There’s no way you can get out of this now.’

“Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better, but I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Alex claimed as she narrowed her eyes. He just laughed and shook his head, then gently leaned against her shoulder with a long sigh. Neither of them spoke as they sat together, but she could sense a sort of mutual understanding between them. It made her happy, and also a bit scared as she imagined extending that level of trust to someone new.

***

“You were right, Nick. He was working with the Institute, and he’s- he’s already handed Shaun over to them. He’s trapped in there.”

The smell of fresh-brewed coffee, a sort of blend from various plants in the Commonwealth as opposed to real beans, wafted through the cramped office as Alex glanced up from her lap. Nick’s face didn’t give away any hints as he thought over what she’d explained about their trip to Fort Hagen, but Piper looked absolutely enthralled with the story. Her pen scratched down some quick notes as she leaned against one of the filing cabinets, and her shoulders bounced as she laughed. It wasn’t humorous laughter, though. More like an awkward, nervous chuckle. Alex felt her eyebrows pulling in slightly as her disdain for Piper grew more intense.

“The Institute, huh? Hoo boy…” Piper murmured, flipping the notebook shut before she tucked it into her pocket. Great, now the whole Commonwealth would be hearing all about this by the end of the week.

“I’m sorry, friend. Truly. That makes things… considerably more complicated,” Nick said. His plastic face seemed to be struggling to give her a sympathetic frown, but it came off as a bit creepy to her. Even MacCready, who had been sitting close beside her, let out a breath as he ducked his head.

“He ain’t kidding. Heck, Nick’s a synth, and even he doesn’t know how to get in,” Piper said, waving her hand towards him.

“No synth does. Security protocols strip those memories out. I’m assuming Kellogg didn’t give you any hints?” Nick said. He poured her a cup of coffee and she wrapped both hands around it to warm her fingers.

“He wouldn’t tell me how to get in. We looked everywhere, the terminal, cabinets, drawers, pockets… Hell, we even looked under the mattress and in the washing machine. No maps, no notes, no keys. We didn’t find anything,” Alex mumbled, staring down into her cup. That familiar feeling of anguish gripped her throat again as she pursed her lips. It didn’t really matter if they made it inside the Institute or not; she still couldn’t feel her son out there, despite what Kellogg had said. And she didn’t know if she could face a group of stonehearted killers, that stole people and replaced them with living dolls. It was like something out of a movie.

“Well, we did find… something,” MacCready said, suddenly breaking his silence. He looked over at her expectantly. “No telling what it is, though.”

It took a second for her sluggish mind to wake up and remember what he was talking about. Deep in the bottom of her pack were the strange devices they’d pulled from Kellogg’s head, still wrapped carefully in a bloody cloth. Alex shoved some papers aside as she laid it out on the desk for Nick and Piper to ogle. Nick plucked the shriveled piece of brain from the cloth and held it up to the light as he examined it, while Piper just stared at the computer chip. The notebook came out of her pocket again and she took even more notes, filling up a second page with juicy gossip. Then, Nick put the pieces down and wrapped everything back in the cloth before Alex piped up again.

“I pulled these out of his brain. There were all sorts of wires in there. Was he… y’know, a synth?” she asked, screwing her face up.

Nick shook his head. “These look like cybernetics, not synth components. But I don’t know for sure if the man was a synth. These aren’t quite enough to make a judgement on.”

“So, a murderer and kidnapper gets his brains blown out and ransacked by an avenging parent.” Piper sighed and lit a cigarette. “It’d be a great ending if we didn’t still have the greatest mystery in the Commonwealth to solve.”

“He wouldn’t talk. It was my only choice, and honestly, I’d do it again,” Alex said, letting a little bit of anger lash out in her voice. Then she turned back to Nick and sighed. “So, can you do anything with these? I mean, they must have been planted by the Institute, unless someone else out here has access to tech like this. I’ve never seen anything else like them.”

He thought about it for a few moments, just long enough for her to begin thinking that they might have been useless. Without Kellogg’s knowledge, there was no way she could get in. She scolded herself for not working harder to get him to talk, but she definitely wasn’t going to regret killing him. Now, though, they were at another dead-end.

“’Gets his brains blown out’… Huh. His brains… You know, we may not need the man at all,” Nick said, finally speaking up to break the tension between her and Piper.

“You’re talking crazy here, Nick. Got a fault in the ole’ subroutines?” Piper joked. Alex tossed her a dangerous look until she wiped the smile from her face and went back to her cigarette.

“Look, there’s a place in Goodneighbor called the Memory Den. Relive the past moments in your mind as clear as the day they happened. If anyone could get a dead brain to sing, or in this case, old cybernetics, it’d be Dr. Amari. The mind behind the memories,” Nick said, handing back the wrapped-up cloth. She gingerly tucked it into her pack and nodded when she looked back up at him.

“I’ve heard of it. Irma was the one who sent me here in the first place,” she replied. The pack was thrown over her shoulders as she stood and gestured for MacCready to follow. “We’ll meet you there, let’s say three days from now. I’ve got some other errands to take care of.”

Alex shuffled out into the alley with her companion close at her heels. It hadn’t quite been the way she wanted that little meeting to go, and she scrubbed a hand over her face as they regrouped on the side of a building. Well, it was done now, and she had gotten some of the answers she was looking for. Now all her hopes were resting on Dr. Amari to help them find another lead. If that wasn’t good enough, Nick was going to need to pull some serious strings to figure out where they needed to head next. She lit a cigarette and adjusted her military cap as she leaned her back against the wall.

“Don’t let me forget to pick up some .44’s before we leave here. We can head out the morning after tomorrow and drop those bearings off with Ironsides before we reach Goodneighbor,” she mumbled, taking a drag from her cigarette. MacCready started to nod and then pursed his lips when he caught something out of the corner of his eye. He stepped aside as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Blue!” Piper ran up to greet them and leaned against the wall beside Alex, grinning widely. “Hey, Blue, you uh, you forget about that interview? I was thinking I could write a double feature now that you’ve taken down Kellogg. It’d be great, y’know! Everyone would get to read your interview and your awesome story all at once!”

Now she was really starting to regret leaving that door open. She sighed deeply and shook her head. “Look, Piper, I really don’t want to be in the paper. I get you think it’s cool and all, doing an interview with me, but I’d rather not have my name thrown around. Travis already ran a story on the radio, and that was more than enough press for me.” Her voice was hard as she looked Piper in the eyes.

“Aw c’mon, Blue! Don’t be like that,” she pleaded, giving Alex some puppy eyes.

“I’m only going to say it one more time; no!” she said, throwing her cigarette to the ground. It was pretty clear how annoyed she was, at least she thought, but Piper didn’t seem to want to back down.

Before they could say anything else, MacCready put a hand out against the wall and leaned beside Alex with a smile. “Hey, Piper, if you want an interview so bad, I’d be down,” he said, quirking an eyebrow. “A one-on-one interview sounds great to me.”

That finally got her to leave. With an exaggerated scoff, she rolled her eyes and began to walk back down the alley. “You wish, MacCready. You wish!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, nooooooow I'm going to leave him alone for a little bit. Someone bring him a warm blanket or something.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Be sure to bookmark, subscribe, or follow my tumblr tag, #squintsofficialwriting. Comments are always appreciated, and I've turned on anonymous commenting for anyone that might be shy! Please leave me something, I love to know how I'm doing!


	13. Memories of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the Memory Den, Alex is finally able to get ahead again in locating Shaun. But Nick has some thoughts about her companion and while she doesn't want to believe him, she's not entirely sure if he's wrong.

**-Alex-**

The front courtyard was already busy as they finally made it through the neon gates of Goodneighbor. A couple drifters had gathered themselves around K.L.E.O.’s store, hocking guns and ammo stacked up in small piles on the counter. Some of the junkies looked like they had just rolled out of bed and came straight to the gate to get their fix of Jet and Psycho. One woman was practically cleaning Daisy out of all the alcohol in her store. It was certainly a much different scene than the one in Diamond City’s market, although it had some similarities. The guards kept a close eye on everybody. One in particular was pretty quick to run off any panhandlers before they could bother other people. He waved his rifle around as if it _wasn’t_ a loaded weapon, and Alex was careful to avoid him as she wandered toward the alley with MacCready and Dogmeat at her sides.

“Hey, uh… I’ve got some things to take care of. I’ll catch up to you later,” MacCready said, suddenly stepping away from her. She watched his hand drift towards Daisy’s shop in a half-assed gesture. There hadn’t been any mention before of an errand he had to run, but she guessed he had forgotten until now.

“Alright, I’ll meet you in the Memory Den. Have fun!” she called. Alex waved as she walked away with Dogmeat in tow, then fixed her gaze on the alleyway ahead of her. Just like her first visit to Goodneighbor, she seriously hoped that the rifle strapped to her back and the huge bull-barrel revolver on her hip would scare other people off. Pre-war, she supposed just the revolver would have been enough for people to keep their distance, but now it was more of a toss-up. A couple dangerous looking drifters inched towards her as she made her way through the crowds, but she picked up her pace in response and didn’t look back.

The lights over the Memory Den were still blinking, even in the late afternoon sunlight, and she felt herself drawn to it again. There was a strange moment where she could very clearly remember first walking up to the doors, almost like deja-vu. But this time, it wasn’t dark out and the guards were different. These two weren’t ghouls, but just regular looking people. One of them nodded as she passed and she felt her lips stretching into a little smile. Dogmeat trotted inside as she pulled the heavy door open, letting sunlight filter through the thick layer of dust floating in the air.

‘God, did people forget how to air a place out? Don’t remember it being this bad last time…’

The place was, unsurprisingly, devoid of any customers this early in the day. Irma was lounging at the other end of the room, on the same couch where Alex had originally met her. Nick was already there, standing politely at the edge of the stage as he spoke softly with her. Alex couldn’t hear their conversation from where she stood, and her heart dropped as she realized it may have been about her. But what did that matter? They were there about her son, or rather, to find a lead in Kellogg’s brain. It was entirely expected that Nick would explain at least a little of her story to Irma.

“Oh, you’re here,” Nick said, spinning around to face her. His yellow eyes looked her up and down, then rested on Dogmeat for a moment. “I just got here myself. Are you ready?”

Alex nodded as she took a deep breath and began to realize she wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.

“Amari’s downstairs, you big flirt,” Irma purred, addressing Nick. Whatever their conversation had been about, it obviously didn’t involve Alex or her son.

Nick led the way through a side-door and down into what appeared to be a basement as Alex followed with Dogmeat at her heels. The warm candlelight morphed into sharp, burning fluorescence as they reached the bottom of the steps. Inside the next room, she could already hear someone tapping away at some keys, and the electronic beeping of equipment. Once they got to the door, Nick stepped inside and waved her up behind him.

“Dr. Amari?” he called out. There was a slight echo in the basement and she had to resist the childish urge to yell something.

“I take it this isn’t a social call?” Dr. Amari asked, placing a hand on her hip. Her eyes flitted between Nick and Alex, and then she looked Alex over as if expecting her to speak first.

“Um, Nick? I’m going to let you do the talking, if you don’t mind,” Alex said quietly. She awkwardly shifted to the side and waited for him to explain the reason for their visit, surely much better than she ever could. “I think you know more about this than I do.”

“We need a memory dig, Amari. Only problem is that our perp, Kellogg, is already cold on the floor.” He held his palms out, as if to say he didn’t know what to do next.

Dr. Amari’s eyes grew wide as she pursed her lips and shook her head. “Are you two mad? Putting aside the fact that you’re asking me to defile a corpse, you do realize that the memory simulators require intact, _living_ brains to function?” she cried, throwing a hand up.

‘Great, this was going to be useless _and_ you’re going to get yelled at. Like always.’

“This dead brain had inside knowledge of the Institute, Amari. The biggest scientific secret of the Commonwealth. You need this, and so do we,” Nick argued, keeping his voice calm. It was a compelling, straight-to-the-point argument and Alex nodded, choosing not to add anything else. He raised his delicate metal hand and tipped the brim of his hat back as Amari thought it over.

Eventually, she sighed and took a step forward as her eyes narrowed. “Fine… I’ll take a look, but no guarantees. Do you… have it with you?”

“One cold, dead brain, coming up,” Alex chuckled. She tossed her pack onto a nearby table and dug the wrapped-up pieces of cybernetics out from the bottom. The little bit of brain with wires sticking out of it was starting to turn an ugly grey color, but it was still intact inside the plastic encasing. She handed the piece to Amari, who turned it over as she held it up to the light.

“What’s this? This isn’t a brain! This is… Wait. This- This is the hippocampus! And this thing attached to it? A neural interface?” Her eyes were wide as she examined it and carefully organized the wires to get a better look.

“Those circuits look awfully familiar, don’t you think?” Nick said, pointing to a wire that was dangling from the bottom.

She nodded, then looked back to Nick and Alex. “I’m not surprised. From what I’ve seen, all Institute technology has a similar architecture. Now, Mr. Valentine is an older generation synth, but Institute technology being what it is… The brain implant could fit you. But that’s… an incredible risk to take. We’re talking about wiring something to your brain.”

“Don’t worry about me, Amari. I’m well past the warranty date, anyway,” he said, shaking his head.

“Nick, are- are you sure? I mean, this sounds dangerous,” Alex murmured as she reached out to him. She tried her best to calm her frantic voice, but it was no use. “I’ll understand if you’d rather play it safe. We can find a lead somewhere else. It’ll be fine!”

He held up his hands and shook his head again as he did his best to look sympathetic. “Look, I want to find out more about the Institute just as much as you do. If you won’t let me do this for you and your son, then I’ll do it for myself. Either way, I’m not letting this opportunity go to waste,” he said firmly.

“I- Thank you. I really appreciate you doing this for me,” she said, giving him a warm smile. It was still much more than she could ever have asked for and her breath caught in her throat when she watched him move towards the chair Dr. Amari directed him to.

“You can thank me once we’ve found your son. Now, let’s do this.”

Amari gestured to the seat again as she walked behind it. “Whenever you’re ready, Mr. Valentine.”

“If I start cackling like an old, grizzled mercenary, pull me out, okay?” Nick joked as he sat down and removed his hat. He looked strange without it, and not because of all the holes in his head. Alex bit her lip as she watched Amari peel back the plastic sheets from his head and began plugging in wires. They seemed to all fit smoothly, and so far, everything was alright.

“I need you to keep talking to me, Mr. Valentine. Any slight change in your cognitive functions could be dire,” Dr. Amari said, her tone a little firm. She plugged in the last of the interface and then straightened up with a deep breath. “Are you feeling any different?”

“There’s a lot of flashes… static… I can’t make any sense of it, doc,” he complained, squeezing his eyes shut. The simulated pain in his face seemed so real for a moment that Alex almost threw her hands out and demanded that they stop. But then she remembered that Nick was just a synth, and she didn’t think he could feel pain. At least, she hoped he couldn’t.

“That’s what I was afraid of. The mnemonic impressions are encoded. It appears the Institute has one last fail-safe,” Dr. Amari said as she stepped away from him. “There’s a lock on the memories in the implant.”

“Is Nick going to be okay? We can get past the lock, right?” Alex’s brow pulled together as she looked to Nick, who was sitting almost perfectly still in the chair. He normally sat that still, right?

“Well… the encryption is too strong for a single mind. But, maybe if we used two…” Amari mused, her eyes growing wide at the realization of her plan. “I could load you both into the memory loungers. Run your cognitive functions in parallel. He’ll act as a host, while your consciousness drives through whatever memories we can find.”

‘Holy shit…’

“Um, yeah. Sure. Let’s do that, then,” she said awkwardly. “I’m not gonna see Nick in any compromising positions, am I?”

Amari rolled her eyes and guided her to one of the two connected loungers sitting in the room. Through the glass, she watched as Nick sat in the other, and then they both waited patiently for something to happen. The screen in front of Alex displayed the familiar, grainy stand-by image, then it flashed, and next she saw Nick’s face looking up into his own screen. His eyes flicked back and forth as he waited, probably looking for something interesting to stare at. Her heart was pounding and she chewed her lip as she imagined what was about to happen. Hopefully Nick wouldn’t be able to see into her mind, but if he did, she supposed it was going to be his loss.

“Initiating brain-wave migration between the transplant and the host,” Dr. Amari said, her voice floating in through the crackling speakers. “Mnemonic activity coming from the host! It’s degraded, but it’s there! I’m going to load you into the strongest memories I can find. They might not be… stable… Hold on!”

Before she could say anything else, Alex’s vision went fuzzy, and then it faded to white as she slipped into what felt like a deep, relaxing sleep.

***

The sound of the glass rising around her startled her back into the present, her eyes wide as she searched the room for somewhere to run. She lurched forward, anxious to escape the horrifying memories she had witnessed. Kellogg, his family, the synths, Shaun… Dr. Amari’s hands gripped her shoulders and pushed her back, keeping her firmly in the plush seat as her eyelids fluttered and her heart beat hard against her ribs. The bright lights seared her eyes and she squeezed them shut as her head fell back. After a couple moments, something snuffled up by her ear, and she felt Dogmeat gently licking her cheek. She raised a hand to pet him as she forced herself to look around again.

“Slow movements, okay? I don’t know what kind of side effects the procedure might have had. No one’s ever… done this before,” Dr. Amari admitted, stepping to the side of the lounger. She was holding both hands out, as if Alex might attack. “How do you feel?”

“I’m fine… I guess,” she mumbled, keeping her voice low. She actually had a bit of a headache, but she supposed that could be expected. The past few hours had been spent running from one memory to the next, draining all of her mental energy.

Next thing she knew, MacCready had taken her by the hand and was helping her up from the lounger. He put a hand on her waist as she swayed, still a bit dizzy from what had happened, and then tried to bring her over to a chair. She shook her head when he pointed to it and he sighed, but continued holding her up. His hand was warm as he kept it firmly at her side.

“I want you to keep monitoring yourself. We have to be sure there’s no long-term damage,” Amari said, examining her eyes. The doctor waved a light in front of her face and she squeezed her eyes shut again. “Are you… ready to talk about what happened in there?”

“Teleportation. That’s how they get in and out.” Alex lowered her gaze to the floor and took a breath. “There’s a scientist that left the Institute and he’s… supposedly in the Glowing Sea. Wherever the hell that is. I think if we find him, we can figure out how the teleportation works.”

“You’re right! A rogue Institute scientist could answer all kinds of questions. But… you said he’s in the Glowing Sea? That makes no sense. No one goes there. Not even if they were desperate,” she said, raising an eyebrow. She stepped over to a little cart and placed the flashlight in a drawer, muttering something to herself. Alex wasn’t sure why she was so skeptical, but with a name like that, she could guess why it might not have been a place many people would hang out at.

“I don’t know, but I need to find him…”

“If you’re going to go, be prepared. You’ll need some way to combat the radiation there. It’s called the Glowing Sea for a reason.”

“Oh, I was planning on going in naked,” Alex said, letting a wide smile spread on her face. MacCready snorted beside her. “But seriously, I’ll figure it out. Thanks, Dr. Amari. You’re a life-saver.”

Amari nodded graciously despite her comment and gestured toward the door. “Good luck out there. I already unhooked Mr. Valentine while you were waking up. He should be waiting upstairs for you.”

With Dogmeat following at their heels, the pair found their way up the stairs and into the main room. It was filled with customers now, all chatting and drinking as they waited for a lounger. Amari must have been the only one who could work the equipment. Most of them looked away as Alex walked past, while the rest ignored her completely. That seemed to be a common theme in Goodneighbor. The three of them cut through the crowd as she searched everywhere for Nick. At the very front, she found him sitting patiently on a bench, and she smiled as she stopped in front of him.

_“Hope you got what you were looking for inside my head. Heh. I was right. Should’ve killed you when you were on ice.”_

Kellogg’s voice. Alex stared at him, wondering if she had really just heard him speaking through Nick like that. “N-Nick? Are you okay?”

“What? Oh, you’re back. Is everything alright?” Nick said, in his own voice this time. He seemed confused and a bit disoriented, but like his normal self again.

“It was nothing. Don’t worry about it,” she said, shaking her head. ‘Well, that was weird. Knew you shouldn’t have let him do that. It was too dangerous. What if… what if Kellogg can still, you know, see you through Nick?’

“Alright, if you say so,” he said, though his tone sounded skeptical. “I saw some of the memories, too. Teleportation, your son, and then Virgil… All of it just adds to this mystery.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I was talking to Amari, and I guess- I guess I’m going after Virgil. He should know how the teleportation works. Kellogg obviously didn’t have access to it,” Alex mumbled. Her shoulders drooped and she gazed at the floor. It was just another clue that may lead her to yet another dead-end.

“I think you’re right. It’ll be a challenge to find him, though. If you want me to come with you, all you have to do is say the word.”

She shook her head. “No, thanks. You stay here and work on your other cases. I’ve got MacCready to watch my back, and Dogmeat, too.”

Nick sighed, or at least just made a sound like he was sighing, and stood up from his seat. Slightly terrified, she held her breath as he leaned in close, and suddenly realized MacCready and Dogmeat had already slipped out. “Look, I know you’ve been paling around with that merc for a couple weeks now, but you’ve got to be careful. Those guys aren’t always what they seem when caps are involved.” He raised his metal palm up and opened his fingers, as if he was handing her something. “I dug up some information on your guy, and I think it’s in your best interest to know about his involvement with the Gunners. He left them a while back, but they’re still hounding him. And Alex, they’re a lot more dangerous than your average raider gang. I’m talking about the type of organized group that would use you to get to him.”

“I know you’re just concerned, but I can take care of myself. I promise you,” she said, stepping back. Really, nothing he said could make her dump MacCready, especially after she already agreed to help him with his son. It wouldn’t be right of her to go back on her promise.

“I know you can, kid. But these people… If he owes them- and he must owe them big if they’re following him so closely- well, they’ll try to kidnap you. Torture you, even. Whatever caps you paid him to watch your back, it’s not going to matter once you disappear. He’ll leave you for dead, I can guarantee it. Seen it too many times in the past to think he’d be any different.”

His eyes searched hers for a moment, like he was begging her to do what he thought was best. But maybe that was just her imagination. Alex hung her head as she kicked the floor and then stepped away from him. If that was the way things were going to go down, because she wanted to be friends with MacCready… Well, she’d do it anyway. He may be just another mercenary, but she wasn’t going to let that cloud her view of him. They were friends, and if she was being honest, he was her only friend in the wasteland. Besides, she didn’t really have much to live for anymore.

“I appreciate you thinking about me, Nick. I really do. I’ll see you around,” she murmured. Before he could say anything else, she turned and made her way to the door. She didn’t hear him behind her when she wandered out into the dirty night crowd as it milled about in the plaza. That was a good thing.

“Alex! Hey!” MacCready called out to her from the down the sidewalk and waved his hand high in the air. At his feet, Dogmeat panted happily. She pulled on her backpack straps as she headed towards him, a grin on her face. “So, you hungry? I was thinking we could get dinner, maybe some drinks after. Then you can tell me all about the crazy brain trip once you’ve had some time to, you know, think it over.”

“You’re starving, aren’t you?” she said, cocking an eyebrow.

“God, yes…” he breathed as his eyelids fluttered. Then he put both hands on her shoulders, spun her around, and started walking her to the other end of the plaza. “There’s this great little place around the corner with the _best_ burgers. But they’re about to close, so we gotta hurry! C’mon, c’mon, move your feet!”

***

Ten caps clinked in her gloved hand as Alex leaned over the counter and held them out with a smirk. Her cheeks were flushed from all the alcohol she’d had during their trip to the Third Rail, but she was still coherent. Sort of. Mostly, she was sleepy and full and was dying to get up to her room so she could curl up in the bed and pass out for the night. Well, _after_ she explained to MacCready what happened in the Memory Den. But Clair just clucked her tongue, shaking her head as she pushed the caps away.

“You’re too late, honey. Just sold the last room five minutes ago,” she said, leaning on her elbows as Alex stepped back. “You’ll have to find somewhere else for the night.”

“Well… damn it. Where am I supposed to go?” Alex mumbled, looking down at the caps in her hand. There were no other hotels in Goodneighbor and all the mattresses littering the ground outside were taken up by the other drifters. Not that she would even _think_ about sleeping outside in Goodneighbor. Hell no, that was just asking to get robbed.

MacCready patted her on the shoulder as she stumbled away from the counter and he jabbed a thumb back toward the front door. “Guess you’re staying with me, then. C’mon, it’s the next street over.”

A little bit dazed, she followed him closely as he went around the back of the hotel and walked up the steps to a smaller building situated behind it. The inside looked almost exactly like the corridors at the hotel, and ‘The Rexford’ still featured prominently over the main hallway. He waved her forward as he passed down a side hall to their left, bypassing several doors along the way. Each one was still numbered by a little red plaque, unlike most of the rooms at the hotel. Near the end of the hall, opposite what appeared to be a supply closet that was missing its door, he stopped and pulled a key from his pocket. Once he had unlocked what she assumed was his apartment, he shoved the door open and stepped aside to let her in.

It was certainly… disorganized. Shoved near the door was a table covered in empty beer bottles, dirty plates, an ashtray with about a million cigarette butts crammed into it, and a stack of torn and dirty magazines. Past that was a bookshelf, also covered with bottles and old boxes of snack cakes and candy, and the shelves were overflowing with books, magazines, boxes of ammo, knick-knacks, and clothes. More clothes were haphazardly strewn across the floor. Tucked in the far corner was a bed that, surprisingly, had some clean, blue sheets on it, though they were balled up at the end of it. What looked to be an entire box worth of snack cakes was piled up on one side of the mattress, and looking down, she saw a pile of wrappers on the floor just under the bedframe. To her right was a small kitchenette that was also fairly clean, if you didn’t count the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. A metal rack was home to a couple boxes of steaks and more candy. Beyond the kitchenette, the door to the restroom was wide open, but Alex was a little worried to look inside. There was really no guessing how clean it was going to be.

“It’s… I didn’t know you had your own room,” she mumbled as she stepped into the kitchen, biting back a much ruder comment. Dogmeat slipped between her legs and quickly curled up by the bookshelf to go to sleep.

MacCready followed her inside, seemingly unaware of the mess, and deadbolted the door. “Where did you think I was sleeping?” he asked as he quirked an eyebrow. His tone was thankfully still playful and he gave her a smile as he walked past.

“Um, I don’t know. But, uh, this is… nice. Your place is lovely,” she said as she looked for a spot to set her things. She decided on a little patch of carpet near the door, mostly to keep from having to kick his clothes aside. Then she just stood there, too worried about stepping on something to move.

He laughed as he tossed his things into the corner beside the bookshelf, then began shoving clothes and boxes of random stuff out of the way to make a path for her. “You’re so cute. So polite.” He dumped a bunch of junk from one of the chairs at the table, dusted it off, and then offered it to her as he shrugged. “It’s a freakin’ mess in here, I know. Cleaning has never been my forte.”

She gingerly took a seat while he lit a cigarette. With a sigh, he sat across from her and flicked some ash across the table in the general direction of the tray. Then he suddenly looked up and smiled at her, a wide, toothy grin she had never seen before. He was missing a tooth near the front, on the left upper side, and many of the rest were chipped, but she actually thought it was kind of cute. She returned the smile before she opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off.

“That little trip down Kellogg’s memory lane really worked, eh? Must have been something else,” he said, then took another drag from his cigarette.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. I saw-“ she shrugged and dropped her chin in her hand- “pretty much everything. Kellogg as a kid, then Kellogg _with_ a kid, and when he joined the Institute… He’d been alive for almost 200 years when I killed him. I guess the Institute picked him up, and kept giving him those things, like what we grabbed, to keep him alive longer. But…”

“But what?” MacCready looked fascinated with her story and she wondered how much to tell him. She wanted to tell him everything, but she was getting even sleepier.

“I mean, I saw Shaun there, too. He was living with Kellogg for a long time, I guess. He was maybe 10 or 11 when he went to the Institute. Who knows why they waited forever… Kellogg said it was the ‘old man’s pet project’ or something like that,” she mumbled, pursing her lips. That wasn’t exactly what she had been about to say, but her mind was so hazy and tired, she didn’t know if she should start explaining all of her worries. She made a little noise in her throat as her eyelids started to droop.

Without another word, he crushed the rest of the cigarette into the ashtray and rose to his feet with one hand outstretched. She hesitantly took it and he pulled her up from the chair, then guided her to the bed. It was a huge double bed, plenty big enough for the both of them. Well, it was big enough once he scowled and shoved all the snack cakes onto the nightstand.

“Oh, you’re inviting me into your bed now?” Alex teased, running a hand down his arm in a mock flirt. She giggled sweetly as he tossed his scarf and hat onto a set of drawers at the foot of the bed.

“To _sleep_ ,” he said as he rolled his eyes. He went behind her as he continued to undress, stripping all the way down to his boxers behind the dresser, before pulling on a pair of pajama pants that were full of mismatched patches. She smiled as he flopped down on the edge of the bed, looking sleepy and adorable. With a yawn, he jabbed a thumb toward the side door. “Bathroom’s over there, if you want to change and brush your teeth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmmmmm didja think they were gonna bone?? Trust me, I was disappointed too lol! When I said this was a slow burn fic, I really meant it! Mac is such a tease, though, even when he's just trying to be nice. At least Alex likes to play along.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tag #squintsofficialwriting to stay updated!


	14. In Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Alex confides more about Kellogg's memories in MacCready, his demeanor finally seems to be softening up. He's no longer the hard, closed off mercenary she hired, but she's not quite sure what that means for their relationship.

**-Alex-**

“Mac?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something else?”

MacCready rolled onto his side, looking down at her as he propped his head up in one hand. The feather pillow crinkled softly under his elbow and Alex stared at it for a second while she chewed her lip. There was actually a subtle pattern on the blue sheets that she suddenly noticed, even in the dim lamplight. Little white diamonds made a sort of pin-striping on everything, running from the head to the foot of the bed. It was pretty cute. Curled on her side, she pulled her knees up a bit as she shivered under the blanket, but she wasn’t cold.

“What’s on your mind?” he mumbled softly. He blinked slowly and she realized she had been staring at him again. She always seemed to be staring at him these days.

“Someone took Kellogg’s family, too. He had a wife, and a baby daughter. They lived in San Francisco. Someone took them, and they were both killed,” she said, squeezing the blanket in her hands. Her voice was quiet and she wondered if he had actually heard her. “But even after all that, he didn’t regret taking Shaun from me. He didn’t regret killing Nate either, but neither would I, I guess.”

His lip twitched as he glanced toward the empty space between them. It didn’t give away whatever he was feeling and she felt herself hinging on his words as he spoke. “I guess… sometimes, people let bad things turn them into a bad person. They don’t ever try to change. It’s easier to be a bad person, I think. It takes a lot to be a good person. A lot of change, a lot of work. I think some people need a reason to change, otherwise they won’t do it on their own.”

On the other side of the apartment, Dogmeat sighed in his sleep and flopped onto his side. His paws flicked out as if he were running and Alex wondered what he was chasing in his dreams. She hoped it was her.

“You think so?” she asked, letting her eyebrows pull together as she glanced up at him. Something about the way he said it made her think it was something he had thought long and hard about.

“I know it.” He nodded solemnly and looked back into her eyes.

“You’re a good person.” She whispered it, very matter-of-factly, as she met his gaze. MacCready didn’t say anything else; his eyes just dropped back to the space between them as they lay across from each other in silence for a few moments. The blanket twisted in her fingers as she thought about him and about what Nick had told her, and she tried to think of why he bothered to be good, if he thought it was so easy to be bad. What his reason was to change. She didn’t know, but she was glad that he was a good person.

After several long minutes of him not saying anything, Alex felt tears welling up in her eyes as she thought about her son again. Now wasn’t the time to cry, though, so she sniffled and blinked them away. MacCready didn’t want to hear all about her problems again, and she knew he was just being polite the first time. Still, she couldn’t help but tell her thoughts to someone, and he was the only one around except for Dogmeat.

“I know I saw Shaun in Kellogg’s memory, he was right there before the Institute took him away, but…” She shook her head against the pillow and her voice trembled as she spoke up. “He’s gone. I just know it. I can’t feel him out there anymore. It’s just empty. I mean, don’t you feel Duncan out there, even though he’s far away? Like a little, warm spot in your heart…”

Her fingers shook as they reached out to press against his chest. His shirt was soft and she could feel his chest slowly rise and fall as he breathed. She looked up as he tightened his jaw and turned his face away from her, but she could still see the little bit of tears in the corners of his eyes. Eventually he nodded and his lips turned down as he sniffed. For a while neither of them said anything, but she was glad that he understood what she meant, even if did make him sad. It made her trust in him begin to grow some more.

“I don’t know why everything gets taken away from me. It’s not fair,” she breathed, speaking mostly to herself. But he must have heard it anyway, because he suddenly leaned in and pressed a long, gentle kiss to her forehead. It was warm and sweet and she almost begged him to come back as he pulled his lips away. He held his face close to hers, their noses nearly touching, as she let a few tears roll down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured quietly, and she shivered as she felt his breath on her cheek. “For both of us.”

Alex could only guess at what he meant, but she slipped her fingers in his anyway to keep him from shifting away too soon. He hovered over her, staring into her tired, crying eyes as they held their hands together, and he looked so incredibly sad that she felt tears begin to pour down her face before she could stop them. Her throat and chest tightened with anguish and she squeezed her eyes shut as an overwhelming urge to kiss away all of his sadness washed over her, flooding every inch of her mind. It was clear to her now, without a single doubt, that she loved him, wholeheartedly and with every fiber of herself. She wanted him to be happy, and she wanted to be the one that made him happy.

But she didn’t know if he would grant her that, or if he would disappear from her life at the very mention of her feelings, so she kept silent as he drifted away from her.

**-MacCready-**

Early morning sunlight was just beginning to cut through the filthy window behind the bed when he suddenly jerked awake, blinking frantically through the tangle of rotting fingers that scratched and pulled at his face and hair. They tore his skin, peeling away long strips of flesh. Their pathetic moans and deep, animalistic growls still echoed in his head as he gasped and fought hard to catch his breath, desperate to escape from them. His fingers twisted the fabric of his shirt as he clawed at his painful chest. Leaning over the edge of the bed, he nearly toppled onto the floor, but the sheets tangled between his legs kept him stuck in place. As his wild gasping finally started to slow, he swallowed hard and peered around at the familiar, dingy apartment.

Safe. He was safe.

MacCready grit his teeth as he glanced behind him. Curled on her side in a pair of soft pink pajamas, Alex continued sleeping peacefully in the warm bed. Thank god. A bittersweet smile pulled at his cheeks and he watched silently as she twitched her lips and sighed. She never seemed to have nightmares, even after everything she’d been through, and he often envied her. It had started to feel as if the nightmares enjoyed plaguing him almost every night.

Well, it was over now, and there didn’t seem to be a point in falling back asleep. He checked his watch on the nightstand; 6:47 a.m. Yeah, might as well stay awake. Even if he was able to get back to sleep, the nightmares would likely just come back. On the floor beside the bed was a small, dirty plate with a picture of a cartoon waffle on it. Breakfast time it was, then.

Once he had thrown back the blankets, he shuffled into the kitchen and started to dig through the shelves and cabinets for something to eat. It had been a couple weeks since he had stayed in the apartment last and his grocery selection was severely lacking. Only dishes, pots, pans, and utensils greeted him, and after a while he sighed and shoved a hand through his hair. Fuck. Daisy’s store wouldn’t be open until 9 at the earliest, but he knew she was up. She rarely ever slept. He’d always assumed it was a ghoul thing. If he could find her, she might let him grab a couple things.

Dressed quickly in pants and a thick winter coat and scarf thrown over him, he slipped out of the room before Alex got a chance to wake up, then hurried out of the building. It was freezing outside, typical for mid-December on the east coast. Didn’t make it any more bearable, though. He rubbed his hands together between his gloves and held them up to lips. Out in the plaza, a couple guards stood watch over the drifters just beginning their day. A couple scroungers inched close to him, twitching their hands out as he passed. MacCready reflexively shoved his hands in his pockets and gripped his caps purse through the fabric. It would be impossible to pickpocket him with such a heavy coat on, but he didn’t care. The caps he was carrying on his hip were too important to lose.

He tipped his hat back as he finally stepped up to Daisy’s shop. It was still shuttered for the night, but he peered up at the windows on the second floor. There were no lights on, and he grit his teeth. Fucking great.

“Daisy!” he called, not caring if he woke anybody else up. Silence was the only thing that greeted him from the windows. A couple of wastelanders, probably just visiting on their trip to the city, looked over with unabashed curiosity and he scowled at them. “Fine, I’ll come back later…”

The smell of eggs and bacon filled one of the side alleys and his stomach growled as he poked his head around the corner. There was a cute little café tucked in between two warehouses. Hell, it was so small, he nearly missed it as he wandered down the empty street. A couple junkies and four or five drifters milled around inside, waiting on their orders. He couldn’t think of a time he had ever been in this particular café. But then again, he’d spent most of his mornings in Goodneighbor curled up in bed or on the bathroom floor, nursing a hangover. And the rest of his time was spent, well, at the bar.

“Mornin’ sweetheart. What can I getcha?” The older red-haired woman behind the counter smacked a piece of gum as she stared at him, holding up a notebook and pen. For some fucking reason, she was wearing a face full of makeup. MacCready imagined she didn’t take many breakfast orders working the night shift.

“Give me a uuuh…” His eyes quickly scanned the short menu hanging above her head and he shrugged. What the hell did Alex like? What the hell did _he_ like? “I don’t… Just give me two of everything, I guess. Wrap it up, too.”

The woman raised her eyebrows as she wrote it down, then shoved the tag through the kitchen window. “70 caps. Your lady’s a lucky one, with them deep pockets a’yours,” she said, counting out the stack of caps as he handed them over. Yeah, Alex was _lucky_ alright.

Near the front window, he took a seat while he waited for his order. A little bit of snow had started to fall outside and clung to the windowsill. Weird. It was cold as fuck during the day, but it usually only snowed at night. Sleet was far more common in the daytime, for whatever reason. Alex had said something about it being the atmospheric conditions, up in the clouds or some shit. She was good at that science stuff. He never really cared for it. After a few minutes, he reached into his coat and pulled out a folded square of paper. On one side, under a scrawled picture of a brahmin in the sunshine, was written “To Daddy, From Duncan and Uncle Wilson.” He unfolded the paper, just as he had the previous afternoon, and chewed his bottom lip while he reread it for probably the hundredth time.

> Greetings RJ,
> 
> First off, I’m sorry you had to go so long without any word. I know how much a letter from Duncan himself means to you, but the poor kid’s been too exhausted to write anything. Half the time he can’t even hold a pencil. All he’s been able to manage is this drawing. It’s the baby brahmin, same one I was telling you about last time. Duncan named it Mac, after you, of course. He’s been dying to show you and he’s very proud of his drawing. I wish you could have seen his face every time he would show it off to the caravans. One of the traders, Marie, made him a little stuffed brahmin that looks just like it and he hugged it so tight, I thought it was going to explode! I’ll be sure to send you a couple photos when I come across some film.
> 
> Now look, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but he needs another doctor. Badly. The kid isn’t going to last forever when he can’t even sleep or eat through the pain. You know I’m happy to watch him for you, but his breathing has gotten so bad that I’m not sleeping either. I’m too scared to fall asleep, when any missed gasp could turn into his last. He needs some sort of temporary treatment until you can get that cure. I can help with the caps, if you don’t have it. All you have to do is ask.
> 
> As always, he misses you dearly. He cries for you at least once a day. I know you’re working hard, and Duncan knows that also, but please hurry. He needs his dad, more than anything. Toys and letters are only going to hold him over for so long, and Christmas is going to be especially tearful without you here.
> 
> Stay safe out there,
> 
> Wilson

MacCready smiled as he looked down at the picture his son had worked so hard on. Duncan was sure turning out to be a little artist. Must have gotten that from Lucy. She had always been painting and carving things, and lots of her artwork was still decorating the farmhouse. Duncan’s favorite was a painting she’d done about three months before he was born, of the market in Megaton. It was big and colorful and it was so detailed that you noticed something new every time you looked at it. He really liked it, too, but he had other favorites.

A huge bag suddenly slammed against the table in front of him and he jumped as it broke him out of his thoughts. He glowered as he looked up to see the older woman from the counter standing over him. She sneered and waved a hand at the bag.

“Y’deaf, sweetheart? Or you just like cold food?” she said, turning away with a flip of her hair.

**-Alex-**

Even as sleepy as she still was, Alex’s eyes grew massive when she saw the size of the bag he plopped onto the kitchen counter. Her feet were still tripping over themselves as she shuffled into the kitchen and watched him begin to take all sorts of things out of it. A clean plate found its way into her hands, probably handed to her as she floated through that just-woke-up daze, but she stood there and blinked helplessly at it. Eventually the fog started to lift and she took in everything sitting on the counter. Eggs, bacon, sausage, two huge omelets, a couple mirelurk cakes…

“Why’d you get so much food?” she asked as he shoved handfuls of empty bottles and other garbage from the table into a trash bag. MacCready just shrugged. The bag ended up near the door and then he leaned against the fridge beside her.

“I didn’t know what you like, so I just got you a little of everything,” he answered. His voice sounded pretty tired and she wondered why he didn’t sleep in. They didn’t have plans for the day, after all.

“Well, alright, but… This isn’t all for me, right? I mean, you got _two_ of everything.” Her plate was really filling up as she picked at the packages of food, and there was still tons leftover. Beside her, he paused in the middle of grabbing a plate and pursed his lips. She smiled and took a bite from a piece of bacon. “I know I’m kinda fat, but jeez, no need to go overboard.”

“No, I- It was just that I didn’t know what you wanted, and I forgot to think of what I wanted, and then I started to order and I kinda… didn’t know what to say,” he admitted, his cheeks turning pink. For a split second, she swore he looked down to glance at her hips, but maybe it was her imagination. “The menu was short. I just didn’t think each of them would be so big.”

Alex giggled sweetly as she stepped behind him to give him some more room at the counter. As she leaned in to see what he was piling on his plate, she wrapped an arm around his middle and patted his belly. “I hope you’re hungry, then, cause I’m not going to pick up your slack if you eat like a bird,” she teased.

When she laughed again, he gently shoved an elbow into her ribs and frowned. “Get out of here! Just get over there and eat your food.”

Throughout another half hour of playful bickering and teasing, they managed to clear away most of the huge breakfast he had brought. Dogmeat was more than happy to help with the leftovers after they both pushed their empty plates away and leaned back in their chairs, feeling full and content. Alex snickered as she got Dogmeat to do some tricks for little bits of bacon, while MacCready just dropped whatever was left into a bowl on the floor. After a couple minutes of playing with the dog, she stood with a long, drawn-out sigh and stretched before patting her stomach.

“I’m so sleepy now,” she mumbled quietly, letting her eyelids droop.

Without a word, MacCready stood up and guided her back to the bed, then closed his eyes as he flopped down on his back into the mess of sheets. She curled up beside him, giggling softly, and carefully brushed some of his hair away from his face. It was surprisingly soft and only a little dirty from not having washed it since leaving Diamond City. They both needed a shower, but… they could do it later. He hummed as her fingers smoothed back his hair and a little smile pulled at his cheeks.

“Did you get enough to eat?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. Her fingers danced lightly over his chest and stomach as he smirked at her.

“I think I got more than enough to eat, thanks for asking,” he answered playfully.

Just as she started giggling again, he suddenly pulled himself up and twisted around to face her. Something intense came into his eyes and before she knew it, he was leaning over the bed to get nearer and nearer to her. He came so close that she instinctively moved away, and he used that opportunity to gently take her wrist and lean her back into the bed, pinning her down beneath him. Alex let out a single, shaky breath as he stared down at her, hovering just above her face. The moment seemed to stretch on forever as they gazed silently into each other’s eyes and she felt her breath catch in her throat when she became desperate for him to make a move.

“Is this… the part where you kiss me? Should I…?” she breathed, reaching down to pop the first few buttons of her shirt. She goofily pushed it aside to expose a bit of her chest, then she bit her bottom lip and snickered. It was dumb, but she couldn’t take it anymore.

MacCready squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head as he let out a slow sigh. “You’re just too cute, aren’t you?”

He chuckled for a moment before he leaned in to press a quick kiss to her forehead, and then he flashed her a toothy grin, just like he had the night before. Now she noticed another tooth missing, this one on the bottom right near the back. Alex watched as he finally shook his head and pulled away. Had he really been about to kiss her, and she just had to go and ruin the mood with a stupid joke? The corner of her lip pulled down as he settled on the edge of the bed, his back to her as he lit a cigarette. Disappointment took the place of her adrenaline, but she decided to flow with the choices he made, at least until she was completely sure that her feelings were mutual.

“I’m cute, huh?” she said, carefully wrapping herself around his back. She could feel him laughing again, and then felt his chest expand as he took a drag from his cigarette. Alex sighed as she pressed her cheek to his back and listened to his heart beat.

“Got any plans for the day, boss?” MacCready said, his tone light.

“I’m not your boss anymore,” she said, shaking her head against his back. “And no, I don’t.”

“Of course, you are. What else would you be?” He flicked away some ash, then let her slip back onto the bed as he stood up and turned around to face her. The expression on his face was so indifferent and casual, and she felt her lips forming an even deeper frown.

“Well, we’re friends… right?”

“Sure, we’re friends. But I can be friends with my boss,” he said, waving a hand in the air. Then he snorted and glanced over at her. “Why do you always feel the need to ask if we’re still friends? It’s not like I’m just going to suddenly change my mind or something.”

Alex gazed down at her hands in her lap and shrugged weakly. “I just wanted to make sure I didn’t piss you off or something.”

“Well, you didn’t. Anyway, look, I’ve got some things to do today while we’re still here,” he said. He crushed the cigarette butt into the ashtray on the nightstand and started picking his clothes up off the floor as he threw them on. “You can stay here, or I’ll leave you the spare key and you can do… whatever it is girls do. Just don’t go nuts and bring back a puppy or something.”

Once he’d gotten dressed again and threw his hat on, he dug a key out of the dresser and left it on the kitchen counter for her. With a frown still etched on her face, she watched as he shoved some paper and a pen into his coat and headed toward the door. Just as he was about to disappear behind it, she leaned forward and shouted.

“Wait! Aren’t you going to brush your teeth?”

The door swung open again as his brow knit and he glared at her. “Yes, Mom, I’ll brush my teeth.”

She flashed him a little grin as he sighed heavily and stomped off to the bathroom. No, he may not have been very happy with her right at that moment, and she couldn’t even see him as he grumbled in front of the bathroom mirror, but at least she got to be around him for a little bit longer. That was enough to make her happy for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhoho another close one ;) At this point he's really just being a jerk about it, I think. But don't worry, we're getting closer... inch by tiny, slow inch. And poor Duncan! They both miss each other so much! 
> 
> ***I'd like to take a moment to let everyone know that I've upgraded the rating from Mature to Explicit, for both past and future content.***
> 
> Thank you for reading! Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Please feel free to leave a comment, anonymous or not, to let me know what you think!


	15. Buzzkill(er)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that they're back on the road again after a couple weeks of downtime, Alex has decided to take that detour she promised MacCready a while back. Afterwards, he gives her a confession she didn't expect.

**-Alex-**

Several weeks later, Alex was just putting the finishing touches on the new set of T-51 power armor she’d finally managed to pull together after scouring every military outpost and caravan around Concord. All the pieces had been dragged back to Sanctuary one by one, scratched and rusty from being left to the weather, but now they shined with a new blue and white paint job, complete with a couple Sugar Bombs decals she had found in the back of an old warehouse. Her knees cracked painfully as she stood up from the floor of the garage and she bit her lip as she reached up to test the head lamp again. Yep, still working great. She pulled a copy of the power armor manual from her belt, something Sturges had given her to help with the repairs, and laid it carefully inside the tool chest with the set of screwdrivers she had been using. Thank god she was good at understanding those technical manuals. Now, she only needed to find the recipient of this lovely set of armor.

Marcy was always quick to show her distaste for MacCready, and Preston wasn’t exactly friendly with him either, so most of the time he could be found working on a case of beers at one of his many hiding spots around the outskirts of Sanctuary. Today, though, she didn’t know which one he had wandered off to. Alex took off for the closest, a patio table behind one of the houses that happened to look out over the river. It was a nice day for that beautiful view. But when she poked her head around the corner, only a pair of empty chairs greeted her. A different spot it was, then.

After searching nearly every hidey hole in the whole damn settlement, she finally stumbled upon him at a short fishing dock, hidden among the trees a bit to the north of the neighborhood. It was nice and quiet there, with just the sound of the water rushing over the rocks and lapping against the dock, and the thick trees helped to break most of the biting wind. His eyes were closed as she stepped out from behind a bush, but he blinked a few times and tipped his beer to his lips as the sound of snow and leaves crunched under her boots.

“Did I interrupt your nap?” she asked, chuckling softly as she tucked some hair behind her ear. MacCready’s eyebrows pulled together and he shook his head, but it wasn’t very convincing. She just smiled and cracked open one of the last beers. “I have a belated Christmas present ready for you, if you want to come see.”

The bottle froze at his lips for a moment, and then slowly lowered into his lap as he raised an eyebrow. “Huh? You didn’t need to get me anything,” he said, sounding confused. “Besides, Christmas was almost a month ago. Might as well just save it for Valentine’s Day.”

“It’s just the power armor, silly,” Alex laughed, and she shook her head. “I fixed it up for you, but I did add a little something extra. I think you’ll like it. Come see!”

Back at the garage, his jaw dropped as she showed him to the suit, and then his lips pulled into a smirk when he got close enough to really admire the details. Besides the decals, she had taken time to add lots of little stars and bombs all over the deep blue paint. It was cute watching him as he pulled the helmet into his hands and examined it carefully, then ran his fingers over the thick metal chestplate. His eyes roamed over every last inch of the suit before turning his gaze back to her.

“This is pretty sweet! I like it,” he said, excitement coloring his tone. “Man, what I wouldn’t give for my own suit of power armor.”

“You really like it? I wasn’t sure how you’d react to the paint job, actually,” she admitted with a shrug. “But this one, well, it _is_ yours now, so you can change it later if you decide to.”

MacCready stopped suddenly as the smirk fell from his face. Oh… Maybe he didn’t like it that much, after all. She felt her chest tighten as she waited for whatever it was he was going to say next.

“Wait… what? You’re- you’re actually giving this to me?”

“Yeah, of course. What’d you think I meant when I said it was for you?” The tightness was replaced with a cool sense of relief, but now she was confused. She’d told him that she was getting the suits together for them, so they could go into the Glowing Sea without either of them sprouting a second head. Was he just messing with her?

He shrugged and glanced back at the suit. “Well, I thought you only meant I could borrow it, for when we go looking for Virgil. These things are pretty damn rare, and to just give one away like that… I mean, are you sure?”

“Yes, Mac, I’m sure. I don’t have any other use for it, and besides, I think you deserve it. You’ve helped me out a ton,” she said, flashing him a huge, warm smile. “That, and well, you’re a really good friend. I appreciate you, y’know, being there for me.”

“Damn, I- I don’t know what to say. Thank you,” he breathed, staring at her with widening eyes. He shook his head in disbelief and a little grin pulled at his cheeks. “Really, thank you! I haven’t been given very many gifts before, and never anything like this. This means… a lot to me.”

“Well, you’re very welcome,” Alex murmured, patting him on the back. Then she held up a fresh fusion core and tilted her head toward the suit. “Now, you wanna take it for a test run?”

***

“Alright, Winlock and Barnes should be here. Let’s take ‘em down,” MacCready said, keeping his voice low as he pointed up toward the Mass Pike interchange. He pulled his binoculars out and surveyed the small group of guard posts. “There are three down here. Pretty sure two of them are just fresh conscripts; I don’t recognize them. Should be easy enough to snipe them and head on up without anyone knowing we’re here.”

Crouched in the shaded tall grass just outside the Gunner outpost, Alex pulled the pieces of their miniguns from his pack and set to work reassembling them. It was difficult to do with the giant, hydraulic fingers of her power armor suit, but the task eventually got done. While she was working on that, he steadied his rifle and almost silently picked off the gunners, one after the other. All three of them fell before they even knew what was happening. She gave him a thumbs-up, then handed him one of the loaded miniguns after he’d slipped his helmet on.

“Okay, just try to remember not to yell this time,” she said, then rolled her eyes as his snickering came over the radio in her helmet. “I don’t think they’ll be able to pick up our radios, even if some of them are in suits. But let’s hope they’re not.”

“Even if they can hear us, you know the drill. Watch out for any assaultrons or sentry bots, and kill anything that moves,” he commanded. “Now, let’s move.”

The ground level outpost was silent as they marched towards the old service elevator. Two of the bodies lay close, leaking blood from the bullet holes in their heads. Alex grit her teeth as she imagined what would be at the top of the interchange and her grip on the minigun handles tightened enough to leave a couple slight dents. Surely, they would be well protected in their suits, and a minigun wasn’t a weak weapon by any means, but she still felt her heart starting to race as she pressed the button and watched the ground fall away below her. Power armor was strong, but it still wasn’t invincible. If there was a big enough army up there, then chances would be good that at least one of them wouldn’t make it. Nick’s words suddenly popped into her mind, reminding her what he’d said about MacCready, and the Gunners. That he would leave her in a heartbeat if she got into trouble around them. She seriously hoped that whatever happened, she wouldn’t have to find out that Nick was right.

At the top of the freeway, the elevator rattled to a stop, delivering them right into a sea of gunners. Fortunately, word hadn’t been able to reach the main outpost that they were being ambushed, and a large handful of them scrambled to take cover or locate a weapon as the miniguns spun up. Those that were left standing around were instantly mowed down as the pair stepped off the elevator together, spraying bullets everywhere across their path. Blood rained down onto the pavement as bodies began to drop left and right. Shouting echoed all around them, but it was difficult to hear exactly what was going on with the helmet on. On their right, she suddenly caught sight of an assaultron racing towards them as it charged up its laser, preparing to attack. Its feet clicked against the pavement as it ran closer, slipping between angry gunners with ease.

“You work on the gunners, I’ll take down this assaultron!” Alex called as she began running toward the robot. The power armor was so heavy that she easily knocked the gunners aside, trampling a few of them underfoot as she pushed through the thinning crowd. Their bullets just ricocheted off the metal plating as they tried in vain to bring her down.

Near the center median, the assaultron skidded to a halt in front of her and shot its metal claws forward to grip the edges of her chestplate. Before she could stop it, the robot pulled hard, trying to tear the plate away from its frame. She panicked when she heard a metallic crunch as the plate was crushed in its claws, and she swung the minigun hard into its side. Thankfully, that was able to knock it off balance for a moment, which gave her time to close a powerful hand around its neck. She squeezed hard as its laser grew blindingly bright, then shoved it to the ground and stomped its head into the pavement. Bits of metal and plastic burst into a million pieces and scattered over the road.

As she spun around to find MacCready in the confusion, her minigun knocked a gunner away and sent her reeling to the ground. The gunner reached for the weapon that had bounced away, just barely closing her hands around it as Alex grit her teeth and crushed the woman’s ribcage under her heel. It instantly splintered the thin bones and forced them through the skin, and she screamed helplessly before her lungs and heart collapsed. Blood gushed from the giant holes in her sides, staining the pavement.

The minigun spun up in her hands again as she sprinted across the interchange and rejoined her companion’s side. Except, it wasn’t MacCready… She froze as one of the douchebags from the Third Rail turned around to face her, smirking dangerously as he held up a huge sledgehammer and pulled it back over his shoulder. The rocket-powered hammer would be far more powerful against her armor than plain bullets, she didn’t have a single doubt in her mind about that. Without thinking, she slammed herself against him, using all of her weight to throw him into a metal shack. It startled him for a moment, but even being in a half suit of power armor, it wasn’t enough to knock him off balance. He blinked up at her and she didn’t waste any time in shoving him again, and this time it gave her enough of a chance to rip the sledgehammer from his grasp. Alex pulled it back and then swung wildly, crashing it into his skull with a sickening shower of blood and brains. Blood splattered loudly against the wall of the shack and she flinched at the sound. His faceless body slumped to the floor at her feet and she dropped the sledgehammer into the thick pool of blood that was swiftly growing beneath her.

“Alex?! You there?” MacCready’s voice came in over the radio and she nodded before she remembered they were still split up.

“Uh, yeah. I’m here,” she said, suddenly realizing the freeway had gone quiet. Nothing but bodies riddled with bullet holes and stinking puddles of blood lay around her as she searched for him. Hm. Well, he was still talking to her, so that meant he wasn’t dead or that he had wandered off too far.

“Where are yo- Oh, wait. I see you. Damn, it’s so hard to see in this thing,” he mumbled as he appeared from behind the shell of an old bus. He slipped off his helmet as he got closer and his eyes grew wide as he glanced at the body behind her. “Is that… Barnes? Oh man, I think it is…”

“It’s one of them, alright. I don’t know who’s who,” she said as she removed her helmet, too. “Although, I don’t think too many people would be able to recognize him now that he’s missing most of his head.”

He smirked, and their eyes met as he looked back up at her. “This should send a message to the Gunners to stay off my back.”

“That’s fucking right,” Alex said, sucking in a breath. Then she smirked, relieved they had made it through another tough fight in one piece. Maybe they _were_ invincible!

“Definitely. For the Gunners, it’s always about the bottom line. They just lost this entire waystation, and that’s going to cost them big. Besides, they have no way of knowing I was involved,” MacCready said, a sinister undertone in his voice. She knew he was probably a lot more pleased than he was letting on. “Anyway, I guess I owe you a favor now. After all, you hired me, but I’m the one that dragged you out here.”

A frown twisted her face and she shook her head. “You didn’t drag me anywhere. I offered you the help, so you don’t owe me.”

“Sure, but I like everything to remain nice and even… and you’re one up on me.” He tilted his head, then chewed his lip as he thought about it for a moment. “Tell you what. I’m going to give you back the caps you paid me in Goodneighbor. And don’t worry, I’ll still stick with you, since that was part of the original deal. We’ll just keep splitting our loot up. But now we’re even.”

“No, keep them! You earned them, and this was a favor I wanted to do for you, as a friend,” she exclaimed. But he was persistent, and he waved a hand at her as he shook his head.

“It wouldn’t feel right if I kept them. I’m giving them back, whether you want them or not.”

She sighed. “Well- Look, if you really want to give them back so badly… then I want you to send them to Duncan. I know presents don’t make up for you not being able to spend Christmas with him, and that’s not your fault, but I think he still deserves a little more. Get him something he’ll like and use the rest to send extra supplies. Okay?”

MacCready opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but then he just stared at her with a blank expression. After a few moments, his eyes started to fill with tears and he looked away from her. “No, I really can’t keep your caps. It’s just… You don’t need to keep doing this sort of stuff for me. You have yourself, and your own son, to be looking out for. Not me. I know we’re friends, but… you care too much about me.”

“I _want_ to do these things for you, though,” Alex murmured. She reached out toward him, but then remembered they were both still wearing their power armor, and let her arm fall back to her side.

“Well, I- I _don’t_ want you to!” he cried, glaring at her. The sudden lashing out scared her and she found herself shrinking away from him as he clenched his fists. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you anything! Should have just kept my business to myself, like I do with everyone else! Then you wouldn’t even give a crap about me!”

Alex watched helplessly as he stomped away from her, still fuming. She really didn’t know what she had done to make him so angry. Was he that bothered by her wanting to help, and to care about what happened to him? Maybe… maybe their feelings weren’t mutual, after all. Maybe they weren’t even really friends. She didn’t know now, not after this. Her eyes trailed down to the floor as she felt her throat tighten, and tears burned her eyes.

“Are you spending the night here, or what?” he shouted from the elevator, interrupting her thoughts. His voice was still annoyed and he shook his head in exasperation as she stared blankly at him. “Well? Stop wasting time!”

***

They walked the couple miles back to Diamond City in complete silence as he continued to stew, leaving her floundering as she tried to think of what to do next. But her mind was flooded with the realization that he may just walk out on her now, and she struggled to push those thoughts away. Her heart ached as she imagined him suddenly being gone from her life. No, she couldn’t possibly let him leave! She had to do something, anything, to make him stay!

“Um… do you wanna get some, uh, some noodles, maybe?” Alex asked softly. They’d had to leave their power armor suits in the security lockup just inside the gate and now she had to race to keep up with him as he tried to walk away from her.

“I’m really not hungry,” he said coolly. He refused to look her way but she could still see when his lips pursed. “I’ll be at the Dugout.”

And with that, he turned down the alley and didn’t look back. But… he wouldn’t have said where he was going if he was planning on leaving, right? Maybe she just needed to give him some time to cool off. Think things over. Then, she could go in there, and he’d be all calmed down and it would be like nothing had ever happened.

The smell of fresh noodles engulfed her as she wandered into the market and found herself a seat near the back of the stand, away from the other customers. Some food would take her mind off of it. Maybe. Takahashi toddled over in his familiar chef hat to take her caps and then delivered a steaming bowl of noodles and chicken into her hands. It was so warm, and smelled so good… Before she knew it, she was already worrying herself over whether or not MacCready was going to get himself some dinner. ‘Damn it. You just couldn’t keep him out of your thoughts, could you? Nick was right, he’s just another damn mercenary. And now you can’t help yourself!’ Alex scarfed down the rest of her noodles, then pulled her pack over her shoulders. Might as well sell some of her junk before she went to find him.

Percy, the Mr. Handy that helped run the general store in the evenings, bobbed happily as she stepped up and dropped the heavy pack onto a filing cabinet. He was always much friendlier than Myrna, which was a little surprising. There was no telling why Myrna didn’t just have him run the shop 24/7, especially since he didn’t scare off customers with all that synth paranoia. Oh well. She started to spread her loot out on one of the desks, then picked out whatever supplies she needed to replenish, making sure to throw in a couple extra boxes of snack cakes and candy apples.

“Is everything alright? You’re looking a bit down tonight,” Percy asked sympathetically, startling her a bit. She’d never heard him talk about anything that wasn’t related to the store.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Alex shrugged and took the pile of caps he counted out for her.

“Are you sure? I suppose I only ask because you’re normally always with that, well, that friend of yours,” he said, seemingly unsure when he mentioned MacCready as her ‘friend.’

“How’d you figure we were friends?” she asked.

He bobbed again and waved one of his little claws at her. “So you _are_ a couple? Oh, how I’ve been longing to see another young, happy couple in love! You see, I used to assist in a church that held weddings nearly every day of the week, and I do so miss the joy that comes from a loving relationship. It always warms my motherboard whenever I see you two in the market together!”

“We’re, uh… Well, we’re not together, actually,” she murmured, glancing toward her feet. “Sorry, Percy.”

“Oh, my mistake, dear. But if you asked me, I think you’d make a lovely pair,” he said as his claw dropped in disappointment.

Yeah, she was disappointed, too.

Alex dragged her feet as she turned away from the general store and headed in the direction of the Dugout. A couple of kids went rushing past, playing one last game of tag before bedtime. It reminded her of Shaun, but the memory was fleeting and soon disappeared in the flood of thoughts still circling her mind. She never seemed to think about him anymore these days. It was all about survival. And, unless she wanted to lie to herself, about MacCready.

The blue neon filled the hallway, like always, as she allowed herself a moment to warm up in the doorway. Some song she didn’t recognize right away was playing over the radio as she went inside and peered over at the bar, already looking for him. It had been an hour or so now, so she hoped he was calm. Hell, she hoped he was even around. Other customers filled all the stools over at the bar, and he was nowhere to be found at any of the tables or on the couches in the middle of the room. A little bit of panic started to creep in as she went to check with Vadim.

“Hey, hey! You looking for your tovarisch? He already went to his room for the night,” he called out, leaning over the bar. Then he laughed and his lips cracked into a wide grin. “Bought a whole bottle of moonshine, too. Heh, you’d better hurry if you wanted to talk, before he passes out!”

“He’s in room 4,” Yefim said as she hurried toward the inn portion of the bar. “Were you… staying with him? Or do you need your own room?”

“Um, I’ll be back when I’m done talking to him. Just save me a room, if you can,” she answered, feeling her cheeks begin to burn. Why did everyone think they were together?

Around the corner, she paused in front of his door and held up a fist, but then let it hover there for a moment. She couldn’t hear anything on the other side, but she was sure he was in there. ‘Should you really bother him, though? After all, he’d said he didn’t want you to care about him.’ No, they were friends, and she needed to apologize at the very least. For… whatever she’d done. She knocked quietly and held her breath. For a long while, nothing happened and the room was still quiet. Maybe she shouldn’t have come after all.

Right as she began to turn away, the door creaked open and she felt her heart stop as she glanced back. MacCready was silent as he peeked at her from behind the door and she hesitated for a moment, unsure if he was inviting her in or not. She decided to go in anyway, and then noticed the moonshine in his hand. The bottle was already half empty as he raised it to his lips and threw the door shut behind her. She hunched her shoulders and stared down at the ground as he turned to face her.

“I know you’re probably still mad at me, but I wanted to come and- and apologi-“

The hard, angry look on his face made her freeze mid-sentence and clasp her hands together. This was probably a bad idea, after all. If he wasn’t blocking the door, she would run out of there before he could rip her apart.

“Why the _hell_ would you think it was a good idea to come and apologize? _Seriously?!_ ” he slurred, throwing a hand up. “I mean, wh-“

“I’m sorry… I don’t know what I did wrong. I just- I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she tried to back away from him. This wasn’t at all the reaction she was expecting, even knowing he was angry with her. Tears were starting to well up in her eyes as she began to panic and tried to think of some way out of there. He had never been violent with her before, but she knew well what it was like to have someone suddenly turn on her.

“You don’t need to apologize, Alex. You didn’t do anything wrong,” MacCready said, speaking over her as she continued to issue a stream of helpless apologies. When she realized he wasn’t still yelling, her voice went quiet and she stared at him with wide eyes. He gave a heavy sigh as his eyes trailed down to the floor. “I’m not angry with you. I mean, I _was_ , but not really. You never did anything wrong, and I know you were just trying to help. I know you care about me, and… I guess that’s the problem. I don’t- I don’t know how to feel about it. No one’s ever cared about me as much as you do, not after Lucy. I- I never thought I’d find anyone else like that when she died a little while after we had Duncan. But then you came along… and have done nothing but try your hardest to make me happy, every minute of every day. All for, what? You said you treat everyone this way, but I know better than that.”

Alex didn’t know how long she’d been holding her breath as she reached out and gently took his hand in both of hers. If that was really the way he felt, and she didn’t doubt his words as they stared into each other’s eyes, then… maybe their feelings were mutual. Maybe he _did_ love her. They stood in silence for several very long minutes as she studied his flushed face, begging him in her mind to say the words she wanted so badly to hear. She shook her head, unable to take the drawn-out moment any longer.

“Wh-what are you trying to say?” she breathed. ‘Please, god, just fucking say it already! What are you waiting for?!’

He shrugged weakly. “I don’t know, honestly. Shit- I mean, maybe-“ He growled under his breath and shoved a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I wasn’t really, you know, ready for this. I didn’t think you would come to find me after I treated you like that. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that… Well. I don’t know, Alex. I guess I’m not ready for what I think you want. Maybe I just need some time to think about it. I’m sorry. I hope that doesn’t jeopardize our friendship, but knowing you like I do, I’m betting it won’t.”

His words cut her like a white-hot knife, puncturing her lungs and twisting deep into her heart as she stared through him with an unblinking gaze. Every bit of kindness and love that she’d poured over him… He didn’t want it from her. Did he not love her like she loved him? She’d had no expectations walking into the conversation, but now she couldn’t control her anguish, her disappointment, every little emotion that strangled her breath and crushed her chest and made her heart ache for something she had dreamed so vividly about but couldn’t have.

“I’m sorry, Alex. It has nothing to do with you, I swear. Please don’t let it upset you too much,” MacCready whispered, gently squeezing her hand. He opened his mouth to say something else, but then he closed it and shook his head.

“It’s okay. I understand. I wouldn’t want to push you…” She slowly scooted toward the door as she felt tears threatening to burn her eyes and make things even more awkward. “I should go. I’ll see you in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, yeah, I'm just being a jerk now ;) i swear you won't have to wait much longer for the moment you've been waiting for.
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice!


	16. Crawl Through the Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pair embark on their most dangerous mission yet, this time to nab a courser chip. Once they get it back to Dr. Amari, though, she just shakes her head and tells Alex to keep looking for someone who can help.

**-Alex-**

_“We're three tough gals - From deep down Texas way - We got no pals - They don't like the way we play-“_

Alex squinted hard at the ugly, scrawled numbers on the piece of paper that Virgil had given her. It was a radio frequency, the one she would need to use in tracking down a courser chip. He had made that bit quite clear, but the numbers he had given her weren’t. She flicked the little dial on her Pip-Boy again, scrolling through all sorts of grainy, far-away radio stations and ear-piercing static. Eventually, she landed on a station that seemed to match up with the numbers on the paper, but it was completely silent.

“So, you really think that Virgil guy was telling you the truth? I mean, he turned himself into a damn super mutant, for god’s sake! How do we know he’s not just walking us into a trap?” MacCready grumbled, kicking some pebbles across the grass before he stared up at the C.I.T. rotunda. “Synths are bad enough as it is, and I don’t know about you, but I’m not all that excited to hunt down one that’s supposedly invincible.”

“Hush! I know it sounds like we’re walking into a suicide, but this is the only chance I’ve got at getting into the Institute!” she shot back. The radio was still silent and she groaned as she studied the paper again.

“Fine, but just know that I thi-“

“Be quiet! Did you hear that?”

_“………beep…………beep………………beep…………………….beep……………………….”_

All around the courtyard was empty, except for the piles of snow and radioactive waste. But there was indeed a signal coming in over her Pip-Boy. She stared around at anything that could be hiding a courser behind it, but she almost realized too late that the growing pauses between the beeps were indicating that the chip was moving _away_ from them. Dogmeat barked as she started running in wider and wider circles to figure out where the thing was moving to. Then she stopped and frantically pointed east, unable to form words as the beeps started to die out and threw her into a panic.

_“…..beep……..beep……beep….beep….beep…beep…beep, beep, BEEP, BEEPBEEPBEEP-“_

On the other end of Cambridge, the signal led them through an alley and right up to the back of a towering lab building. At the front was a sign that read “Greentech Genetics”, and the heavy steel doors had already been pried open by someone that clearly meant business. They peered inside, rifles drawn as they gawked at the sheer number of bodies strewn all over the front lobby. At least two dozen gunners and a handful of destroyed military bots lay scattered amongst the garbage, and the sound of gunfire and explosions still echoed from somewhere upstairs. Several voices shouted back and forth as the remaining gunners closely pursued someone. Or maybe, it was the courser that was chasing them.

“Oh, hell no,” Alex mumbled as she flipped the radio off. “We should have brought the power armor.”

MacCready grit his teeth and nodded. “I brought those two Stealth Boys, but they’ve only got about a half charge each. It’d be better to save them until we find the courser. I think for now, our best bet would be to let them battle it out, then jump in once we see the last one standing.”

“Agreed. You think they’re on the second or the third floor right now? I can’t tell with the echoes.”

“Only the second right now. We can move in, but just stay close to some cover.” He steadied his rifle against his shoulder and waved her forward as he sprinted towards a door frame on one end of the lobby. When the gunfire quieted for a moment, he poked his head around the corner of the hall and pointed up towards the ceiling. “Stairs up to the next floor over here. Keep your eyes open. If there’s no cover, just keep moving until you find some. There’s at least a dozen gunners left up there, if not more. And there’s _always_ more.”

Once she nodded, they took off up the stairs together and rounded the corner to the second floor. A wide catwalk stretched around some sort of interior court, providing no cover to keep them hidden from the windows along the walls. A massive explosion sent glass flying in every direction as it burst a window to their right, and Alex suddenly noticed a pair of turrets placed ever-so-conveniently in the window frames on either side of the door they were running towards. Dogmeat raced forward and distracted the sensors for a moment as she lined up a shot and blew the first one, then the second to pieces. They were all quite a bit more cautious as they went inside the darkened second floor hallway, but MacCready did take a second to give her a thumbs-up.

“Hey! Who the fuck are they?” someone shouted as they neared the end of the hall. A small group of four gunners, all guarding the next stairwell, raised their rifles as the three approached. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much cover in the hall and there was nowhere to run to. MacCready didn’t waste much time in shooting a hole through the closest one’s head, then fired another shot that buried in the group leader’s shoulder. It wasn’t enough to kill him, but it did force him to stumble back against the wall and gave them both time to line up their next shots on the remaining two gunners blocking their path. After a briefly tense moment, the stairwell was clear and they sent Dogmeat on ahead of them.

_“The courser is now on the third floor. Reports of a second intruder in the east wing near the courtyard.”_

The authoritative voice buzzed over the loudspeaker and Alex caught herself faltering as she glanced toward MacCready. He tipped his head toward the hallway in front of them, silently encouraging her onward. A couple more gunners stayed behind from the main fight and hung around in some of the trashed rooms, but they were easy enough to dispatch from the shadows. When the way was clear again, she followed closely as he sprinted through the narrow corridors and ducked into cover at his command. They both squished themselves to be as small as possible while yet another scuffle took place just around the corner. Then they followed behind again, always staying a few paces back to keep from being seen.

After travelling up several more floors, they stumbled across an elevator and took it up to a darkened room with a large piece of equipment in the center, surrounded by a cage. Huge tubes stretched up to what must have been the very top of the building. Hesitating a bit at the lack of gunfire, they both held their rifles at the ready as they crept through the room and up the stairwell. The next floor also held all sorts of equipment, but they ignored it and continued on. As they approached the final set of stairs, they could just barely make out what sounded like an interrogation above them.

“I don’t know the password! I’m telling the truth!”

“I don’t believe you are,” a calm voice answered, just before a single laser shot rang out.

“You don’t have to do this. Please!” another voice, different from the first one, cried out.

“All he had to do was tell me the password. Now, are you going to cooperate?”

The second hostage floundered a bit. “I- I don-“

“Tell me.”

“Okay, hold on! Let me think for just a second!”

But they didn’t get a chance before the sound of another laser pierced the silence. The calm voice never let on any exasperation or anger as it spoke again. “I’m going to get in there. It’s only a matter of time. Now tell me the password.”

Alex looked over her shoulder and saw that MacCready was mirroring her wide-eyed, nervous expression as they overheard what was happening in the next room. She told Dogmeat to stay, then held out her hand and mouthed for one of the Stealth-Boys. If that courser could battle its way through all those gunners, they weren’t going to stand a chance against it unless they were well hidden. The heavy device was placed in her palm as MacCready got his own ready, and once the things were firmly attached to their belts, they moved quietly up the steps.

Yet another shot echoed in the spacious equipment room as they neared the landing and they both froze. Her finger hovered over the activation button as she strained her ears to listen for any more hostages. A quiet whimpering just barely reached her and she could hear slow footsteps moving away.

“Look, I- I’ll help you find a way in! I really don’t know the password, I swear. But I know where it might be!”

The calm voice didn’t answer, and she heard the footsteps beginning to walk back towards the wide-open doorway in front of them. Panicked, she mashed the button down and almost instantly became invisible before whoever it was could spot her. Below her on the steps, MacCready did the same and she prayed they wouldn’t bump into each other or, god forbid, shoot each other by mistake. She instantly ran to one side of the doorway and flicked the steel floor the let him know where she was. That seemed to be enough, because a few moments later, she heard another quiet tap on the other side.

“You’ve been following me.”

Her blood ran cold as the courser stopped a few feet from the doorway and stood completely, utterly still in front of her. He wasn’t even breathing. There was no expression on his strong face, but he held his palms up at his sides as if to invite a friendly conversation. It seemed like he knew right where she was, but when she looked closer, she noticed his eyes were scanning the room just behind her. Searching for her. Even as advanced as he was, it was clear he couldn’t see through her stealth field. And thank god for that.

At close range, just one .50 caliber bullet to the forehead would have been more than enough to stop even a thick-skulled super mutant. But not only did the bullet not stop the courser in his tracks, it didn’t even make him falter as blood gushed over his nose. Surely that should have clouded his vision, but if it did, he didn’t seem impaired as he reached for the laser pistol on his hip and aimed fairly close to where she was crouched. She bit her lip, holding back the urge to cry out as she fired another shot and then sprinted as silently as she could to another shadowed spot.

On the other side of the doorway, MacCready fired two shots into the side of the courser’s head, which finally made him stumble a bit. It looked like the perfect chance to take him down, only, he suddenly disappeared in front of them. As they both stared into what looked like nothing, a few lasers fired haphazardly into the small room, some coming dangerously close to hitting them. Alex rolled out of the way, then stared hard again at the spot they had come from. What looked like empty space in front of the wall warped slightly, just enough to tip her off to the courser’s location.

She raised her rifle to fire again, but she hesitated when she saw the end of her gun slowly coming into view. The Stealth-Boy was wearing off already. It was only a split second before she pressed the activation button again, but it was plenty of time for the courser to see exactly where she was. More lasers singed her armor as MacCready yanked her behind him, then fired one, then two, then three shots into the empty space. Beside him, she tossed a few grenades at whatever spot the lasers had come from last. Huge droplets of blood began staining the floor, letting them know that they were indeed hitting their target. But it wasn’t stopping, or even slowing, the onslaught of lasers flying past them.

“Dogmeat!” Alex screamed, not caring if she gave away her position. It would be revealed any minute when their Stealth-Boys ran out of charge.

Their loyal, furry companion rushed up to join them, happy to help even in such an intense gunfight. The lasers and bullets didn’t seem to faze him as he sniffed out the courser, then bit down hard on his leg and dragged him to the floor. The laser pistol went skittering across the floor, evidently too far for the courser to reach. That didn’t interrupt his own stealth field, but Alex pulled out her revolver and jogged over anyway as her body slowly appeared. Then she kicked the space beside Dogmeat, felt her foot connect with the courser, and fired all six rounds into him. Dogmeat released his leg and bit down again on his throat, revealing the heavily battered and bloody synth. There were too many bullet holes in him to count, but he was finally, _finally_ dead.

“Holy shit… We did it, Mac! We killed a motherfucking courser! Holy shit!” she cried as she stared in awe at the lifeless body. “Okay, maybe we really _are_ invincible! I mean, who has ever killed a fucking courser before?!”

“Yeah, Alex, that’s great, but um… you wouldn’t happen to have an extra stimpak or two, would you?” he whined from somewhere behind her.

Her eyes popped wide open when she turned around to find him hunched over on the floor, nursing a few nasty looking burns from the lasers. As she got closer, she noticed him trembling slightly. He made a small noise in his throat as he balled his fists, obviously fighting hard against the pain. The pack full of medical supplies was ripped away from the side of her pack and her hands fumbled as she grabbed a stimpak. She crouched beside him as her eyes flashed from burn to burn, frantically searching for the one that needed it first. There was a large burn on one thigh that she decided on, and he winced as she pushed the needle into his skin just above it. Next, she worked on the smaller ones, carefully healing each burn until they looked at least a little better. She gently dabbed antiseptic on the wounds before wrapping them in gauze, then looked him over once more to make sure she hadn’t missed any. The color was beginning to return to his face, so she assumed he was feeling better.

“Thanks…” he said quietly, staring intently at her lips. Then he suddenly blinked and tore his eyes away. “Uh, we should grab that chip and get going. In case any more gunners show up. I don’t think I’m up for another fight just yet.”

“Just- just relax for a minute!” Alex gingerly pushed him back to the floor as he tried to stand. “I’ll grab the chip. It’s okay. Just give the stimpak a few more minutes to work, alright?”

MacCready nodded and curled up on the floor again as she stood, giving him a sympathetic frown as he winced again. She wished she could do something more, but besides the stimpaks and bandages, there wasn’t much else to be done. Dogmeat carefully laid down beside him as she walked away. A furry head to scratch might be enough to distract him from the pain, at least she hoped.

Over at the courser’s body, she pulled a claw hammer from a broken tool box and glanced down at it. Her face contorted in disgust as she remembered how they had ripped Kellogg’s skull open and knew she was going to have to do it again this time around. A deep breath filled her lungs as she forced the clawed end of the hammer into a bullet hole in the courser’s forehead, then pulled back hard. That same repulsing crack of bone and the tearing of thin skin echoed in her ears as she felt the top of his skull pull away, revealing… a normal brain. There were no wires, no strange devices inside his head. Only a single, shiny chip poked out near the back. Alex sucked her lips in as she pinched it between two fingers and yanked it out like a loose tooth.

***

“You’re back!” Dr. Amari cried, shocked at the sight of hers and MacCready’s return. “The Glowing Sea… Virgil… What happened?”

Alex shrugged, not even sure what to say or how to say it. The whole trip had been one long, wild chase across the Commonwealth, all in search of something that seemed totally unreal. “Well… as utterly fucking terrifying as the Glowing Sea was, I think we made the right choice in heading out there. Virgil knows how to get into and out of the Institute using the teleporter, but he said we needed this chip thing.” She pulled the blinking, white chip from her pocket and held it out for her. “It’s a courser chip. And we need it to be decoded.”

“A courser chip? You fought a courser? Oh my god!” Amari’s stunned look only grew more disbelieving as she took the chip from Alex’s hands. But then her face fell and she shook her head. “Unfortunately, I can’t help you. I’ve worked on a lot of synths, but never a courser. I don’t know what this chip does, let alone how to decode it.”

Disappointment flooded her chest at Amari’s words. Her shoulders drooped as she took the chip back and stuffed it into her pocket. “Is there anyone that you know of that might know more? Virgil said this was my only shot at getting in. Without the code from this chip, the teleporter won’t work.”

“There are people who might. I work with a group that, well… They’re the only ones I know that even have a chance at cracking Institute security. They’re called the Railroad. One of them gave me a code phrase. Said it would help me find them if there was ever an emergency. ‘Follow the Freedom Trail.’”

“’Follow the Freedom Trail,’ huh? I think I know what that means, if I’m remembering my history correctly,” Alex mumbled, nodding a bit. It wasn’t a total dead end, but it was just another step standing between her and the Institute. “Thanks, Dr. Amari. I’ll be sure to let you know if I learn anything else.”

Amari nodded, just as graciously as she had the first time they parted ways. “Good luck. I’m sorry what I have is so cryptic, but hopefully you can figure things out as you go,” she said softly.

Dark clouds obscured most of the early afternoon sky as she and MacCready stepped outside, then made their way to the end of the dirty sidewalk. The entrance to the alleyway there was free of drifters, so they could talk without being overheard or interrupted. At their feet, Dogmeat panted happily and watched all the people milling about in the main street. She flicked the map open on her Pip-Boy and traced a route through the streets of downtown before she scooted in close to show him.

“Okay, so I’m pretty sure I know exactly what Amari was talking about. The Freedom Trail is this route through the city that leads to a landmark not far from here. Nate took me on a tour of it when we first moved to Boston,” Alex said, tipping her head as she pointed to their destination on the map. He just pursed his lips and shrugged in response. “I guess I can see why it’s so cryptic to y’all, considering history class was cancelled a long time ago.”

He shot her a confused, goofy grin when she glanced at him, then he chuckled and lightly shook his head. “’Y’all?’ ‘Hist’ry?’ Where the hell are you from?”

Her brow twitched as she listened to him imitate her accent, though she wasn’t ticked off. She actually thought it was kind of funny, in a way. “I’m... Texas. I’m from Texas. Have you never heard a southern accent before?” She raised her eyebrows and smiled sweetly.

“No, I can’t say that I have,” he snickered, biting his bottom lip. “I’ve been trying to place your accent for the longest time. I mean, I’m not trying to make fun of you, it’s not bad or anything. It’s just the way you pronounce some things is… adorable. And sometimes hilarious.”

“It’s not like, _that_ obvious or anything, is it?” she asked, still smiling at him.

“It’s really not. You don’t have that much of an accent.”

“Alright, good. Now, back to what I was saying…”

“’Saaaa-yun.’”

Alex took a deep breath as she shut her eyes and held a hand up. “As I was say- _eenGUH,_ asshole, we need to follow this little brick trail that runs from here to, I think, a church or something. I know for sure there’s a statue out front and it’s really old, but I don’t remember exactly what it is or what it’s called.”

Beside her, his lips were pursed tightly as he tried not to smile, but it was no use. His mouth cracked into a huge, toothy grin and his nose crinkled as he laughed again. “’Sum-thin!’ Damn! I’m s-sorry, it’s just so damn funny!”

Okay, now she was a little annoyed. He didn’t stop laughing as she grabbed him by the belt and dragged him across the street toward the main courtyard, grumbling under her breath. A couple people glanced their way, but she didn’t care, and evidently, he didn’t either. Daylight would be running out in a few more hours, and she just wanted to find the Railroad, not sit around and have a good time! Thankfully, he contained himself as they reached the front gate, and she was actually able to explain what it was they were going to be following. With Dogmeat in the lead, they took off for their destination, both hoping it would give her some more answers.

***

The sound of stone grinding against stone echoed through the narrow, brick catacombs, leading them into yet another darkened tunnel. Only a single, lit oil lantern sat on the ground up ahead. Well that was strange. Loose gravel slipped under their feet as they crept inside and stayed alert in case any more ferals decided to run after them. It was so dark in this one, even with the lantern, that Alex didn’t think they would see something readying to attack them. She half-glanced over her shoulder as MacCready came close, almost breathing down her neck.

“You think I should turn on my light?” she whispered, keeping her revolver pointed straight ahead.

“Nah, leave it off for a second. I’ll lead, just stay close,” he answered. Then he scooted around her and slowly took a few steps forward as she followed at his heels.

Just as they reached the lantern, a circuit breaker flipped somewhere and several bright floodlights illuminated the room. It was so blinding at first that she flinched and covered her eyes, but she did her best to keep the revolver straight. Once her eyes had adjusted to the sudden painful light, she inched around MacCready’s back and stared at the people standing before her. A pistol and a minigun were being aimed directly at them, but the short-haired woman in the middle stood with one hand on her hip, casually surveying Alex.

“Stop right there,” the woman commanded, her voice echoing in the small room. Alex didn’t have any problem following her order as she froze from the shock of being ambushed, and they both held their hands up. “You went through a lot of effort to arrange this meeting. But before we go any further, answer my questions.”

“Ye-yeah, sure. Whatever you want,” Alex breathed, trying to keep her voice as calm as possible. Her eyes flitted toward the minigun and she thought back to their attack on the Gunners, and what that kind of firepower could do. The image of a body riddled with dozens of bullet holes, face down in the pavement, made her more than happy to cooperate.

“Who the hell are you?”

“We didn’t come here for a fight. Dr. Amari, from the Memory Den, told me to follow the Freedom Trail to find you. We’re not your enemies,” she said quickly. Her voice wasn’t trembling now that she’d had a moment to calm her breathing, and it had a bit of a hard edge to it.

“Very interesting. If that’s true, you have nothing to fear,” the woman replied. Her eyes never left Alex, and her voice never wavered from its calm, cool tone. “Next question; why are you here?”

“Look, it’s a long story, but basically… I have a source that can get me into the Institute, to find someone that went missing, but first I need to have a courser chip decoded. Dr. Amari said you might have the knowledge to crack one,” she explained. Her hands slowly dropped to her sides as she watched the woman seem to grow more and more interested. “I’m willing to work _with_ you, not against you, if you’ll help me with this. You may be my only chance to… to find my son.”

Just as the woman opened her mouth to speak again, a man wearing patchy blue-jeans and sunglasses sauntered in and clapped her on the shoulder. “Hey-hey, I didn’t know we were having a party. What gives with my invitation?” he joked, breaking much of the tension in the room. Then he turned his head to look Alex up and down with a little smirk. “Oh, I see you invited the courser-killer. Nice.”

She had no idea how he knew about their rendezvous with the courser, but perhaps if they had some sort of in with the Institute, then they would know about the chip being stolen. At least, that’s what she told herself to drown out the thoughts of someone following her around the Commonwealth.

“Deacon!” the woman shouted, glaring at the man. “You’re late. But you’re saying this intruder actually killed a courser? Single-handedly? That’d give even Glory a run for her money.”

“News-flash, boss, this gal is kind of a big deal. If you’re done interrogating her, you might want to show this courser-murdering machine a little courtesy. Just a thought,” he answered, tapping a finger to his temple. The guns on either side of the room lowered and Alex felt immensely relieved.

The woman turned back to her with a deep sigh, then allowed a tiny smile to pull at one corner of her mouth. “I owe you an apology. Anyone who kills a courser is good in my book. I’m Desdemona and I’m the leader of the Railroad.”

“Um, nice to meet you,” she said awkwardly, shuffling her feet. “So, you can help with this, right?”

Desdemona pursed her lips at first, but Deacon came to her rescue yet again. “Dez, we need to let her in. She’s got an intact courser chip, for god’s sake.”

“That violates our security protocols,” Desdemona shot back. Her eyes narrowed at him and he shook his head.

“To hell with that. She killed a courser. There’s no way she’s working with the Institute.”

That must have given Desdemona something to think about, because she looked Alex over and sighed again. Then she held out a palm, as if to invite them in. “Fine. We’re letting you into our headquarters. You’re the first outsider _ever_ to be given this privilege. We can help you, but we’ll discuss the details of the chip inside.”

Alex murmured a hushed “thank you” as Desdemona and Deacon turned down the opposite hallway and disappeared in the darkness. Only the two guards remained, and they watched like hawks as she and MacCready crunched over the gravel towards the steps. As they approached, the closest of the guards, the one with the pipe pistol, stepped out of their path and glared at her.

“Don’t try anything, stranger,” he sneered, tightening his grip on the pistol.

‘What a friendly fucking bunch…’ she thought as they followed the winding hallway down to a thick, wooden door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how many of you guys are ready to punch me right now? i /swear/ you do not have to wait much longer. i've been pulling my own teeth out just waiting for the moment to come along lmao. also, i know it's getting long. we're up to like, about 60k words. i've planned out to chapter 29, which means this will very likely be a full length novel. i also already have a follow up series planned, so subscribe to my profile if you want to stay up to date on that. i'll put out a reminder on the last chapter too. anyway, bear with me!
> 
> Updates are Tue/Fri until further notice! Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag, #squintsofficialwriting. Comments, anon or not, are always appreciated!


	17. Rest Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the plans in hand, Alex and MacCready return to Sanctuary to get help from Sturges on the build. The downtime leaves a lot to think on as she prepares to expose the boogeyman once and for all, and he isn't so sure he can handle her stubborn decisions anymore. Weighed down by all the stress, Mac finally decides to confess what has been on his mind for weeks.

**-MacCready-**

“Hey, MacCready, you think you can help me out with these plans a bit more? I’m trying to figure out what this… doo-hickey on the bottom here is for.” Sturges held out the scrawled blueprints as he scratched his head, then pointed to a drawing of some sort of triangular piece. “I know it’s supposed to be made of aluminum, but beyond that I’m stuck.”

“Um…” MacCready took the plans and squinted down at the near illegible writing. “I think Virgil said this was supposed to be a major component of the beam splitter. Whatever the hell that means. He said it needs to be in the shape of a triangle, but concave. Then it slides upside down into the rack in the middle of the emitter thing. At least, that’s what it is if I’m remembering correctly. I’m not very good with this science junk.”

“Eh, don’t worry about it. I think you may be right. I’ll go ahead and make it, and then we’ll just have to find an empty spot where it fits,” Sturges said, chuckling a bit as he took the plans back. “Shoot, still can’t believe you two managed to get your hands on this blueprint. I used to know some people that would have killed for this.”

“Well, Alex sure is persistent. If it wasn’t for her, Virgil would’ve taken the secret to his grave,” he said. Hell, if it wasn’t for Alex, Virgil would be rotting in that cave with a bullet in his skull, courtesy of Kellogg. Handing over the plans was the least he could do to thank her.

Only the sound of the radio and the echoing clatter of tools drifted between them as they continued working away on the teleporter pieces. He and Alex had brought the plans back to Sanctuary only a few days before, but with the two of them and Sturges working on it almost non-stop, the thing was coming together pretty nicely. Of course, things had been moving a lot smoother when she was there to translate the blueprints, but he had forced her off to the bunker for a nap. She had been working too hard and he could tell she was exhausted. It was no help to have her shuffling around in the way. Not to mention how worried he was about her hurting herself with the blow torch or something.

MacCready tightened the last bolt on one leg of the beam emitter, then stepped back to check his work. Yup, seemed to be straight enough. Maybe just… a little bit… crooked. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and tossed his wrench back in the tool chest with a loud clank. That was just going to have be good enough for now. Black grease stained his undershirt as he thoughtlessly rubbed his hands across the fabric and let out a tired sigh. Over at the workbench, Codsworth was making sure to keep them stocked with plenty of water and snacks. No beer, though. Damn robot was a goody two shoes. He reached down to grab a can with a little shake of his head, and his eyebrows jumped up when he suddenly noticed his shirt.

“Aw, fuck. Does this shit come out?” he mumbled under his breath, pinching his shirt away from his hips as he inspected it. Alex might know, but he sure didn’t. Laundry wasn’t really in his skill set.

Sturges just laughed as he clapped him on the back. “Don’t worry, there’s plenty more ruined shirts where that one came from!”

“Ye-ah, I’m not really used to… this,” he said as he held his hands up. And they were _still_ covered in grease! “Uh, you wouldn’t happen to have a towel, would you?”

“Here. Might be a good time to tell ya that it’s all over your face, too,” Sturges said, handing him a clean towel. “Why don’cha take a break for a bit? I could use a breather myself.”

He scowled as he scrubbed his face with the towel, trying hard to rid his skin of the horrible grease. He was used to being covered in dust, blood, dirt, and anything else the wasteland could throw at him, but grease was his least favorite so far. Well, next to water. He practically shuddered just thinking about being wet. Both were truly unpleasant. Once he thought he had gotten his face as clean and grease free as he could make it, he wiped down his hands and wrists before tossing the blackened towel aside. Sturges had taken a seat in the icy cool shade next to the workbench while he was cleaning up. He dragged a second stool up beside the bench, took a seat, and then waved a finger toward the teleporter.

“So, how does this thing work? It doesn’t hurt, right?” MacCready asked, feeling his worried thoughts about Alex’s trip trickling back into his mind. He knew the thing only worked for one person at a time, and the thought of her getting hurt without him around to help was starting to put him on edge just a bit. It was scaring him, really, even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself.

“The way I understand it, the beam emitter is gonna take Alex apart, and her molecules are gonna travel to the Institute’s end of the teleporter somehow. Shouldn’t hurt her to do that, though. Well, assuming it works right,” he chuckled. “I’m not entirely sure how it sends her molecules from point A to point B, either.”

“What happens if it doesn’t work right?”

“It looks like there’s some sort of fail-safe in the code, so if there’s a problem, the terminal system should prevent her from being teleported.”

He took a sip of water as he stared hard at the console they had already pieced together. “So, what you’re saying is… if she won’t arrive in one piece, it won’t let her go at all? There’s no chance she’ll get split in half or something?”

Sturges shook his head. “Shouldn’t. But, that’s the least of her worries. The Institute sure isn’t going to be too happy with her suddenly popping up in the middle of their facility. If you ask me, I think she’s just walking into a deathtrap. I would try to talk her out of it, but she’s either hard-headed or seriously determined. Either way, I doubt she’s going to come back,” he said solemnly. Then he shrugged and stood up from his chair. “If that’s what she wants, though…”

Yeah, he was definitely right; there would be no talking her out of it. Even if she didn’t think her son was still in there, they had been the ones to ultimately kidnap him. Kellogg was just the person they’d hired to carry out the deed. She wanted revenge, and she was going to go to every length to get it. Even if it killed her. MacCready bit his lip as he imagined her standing helplessly in the center of the Institute, surrounded by cold-blooded murderers and more synths than he could count. They would murder her in an instant if they could, without a second thought. If Shaun _was_ still alive, she would never find him.

And he would never, **ever** see her again.

That one thought terrified him more than anything else, and he didn’t really know why. Sure, he had developed feelings for her over the months, even if he didn’t want them. Trusting another person as much as he had trusted Lucy… He didn’t think he could do it again. He had lied to her and had done plenty of things he regretted, and he apologized for all those times he had fucked up and realized too late. But she had pulled him in and taken his trust, drawing more and more out of him as their relationship flowered, then shattered it into a million pieces the moment Duncan was born. She had promised, and promised, and promised, and promised, and… she had still used all throughout her pregnancy. The midwife had spat and cursed and screamed at the top of her lungs as he shrank away from her, still disbelieving that his wife, _his_ Lucy, could have destroyed their son’s life just as it was beginning by passing her addiction on to him. And that was probably why he was so sick now. All because she had been selfish, but even more because he had been weak and pathetic and blind and-

MacCready grit his teeth until they hurt as he desperately tried to push those thoughts from his mind. But they were difficult, sometimes impossible, to get away from, and now seemed to be one of those impossible times. They shrieked in his ears, snatching away the reminders of every good memory he clung to. The harder he fought them, the more they forced themselves to the front of his mind. They mocked him nearly to the point of tears. They were so loud he didn’t even realize that he was suddenly ankle-deep in the creek behind Sanctuary. Freezing water was already seeping into his boots and had soaked through the hem of his pants as he stood there, staring at the deep lake in front of him. Huge sheets of ice floated on top of the water and it reminded him of all the times he’d had to warn the other kids to stay away from the river in the wintertime. He’d seen too many kids fall through and get trapped beneath the ice, and no one had ever been able to save them before they drowned.

It always seemed like such a peaceful death after they stopped struggling, like it was nothing more than falling into a deep sleep.

Big, grey pebbles shifted under his boots as he continued forward, listening hopelessly to the thoughts that still echoed in his head. Even if he could get them to leave now, they were just going to come back later…

“Hey, silly! If you wanna take a bath, I can arrange a hot one for ya!”

Alex smiled sweetly at him from the edge of the riverbank. Her round, freckled cheeks dimpled at the corners of her lips, and her eyes crinkled softly as she watched him. She was so oblivious, and he suddenly felt himself attracted to her warm innocence. It was nice. He wished she could share that with him, but her small, delicate hand reaching out to take his was enough. It quieted his thoughts for the moment.

“What were you doing out there? It’s too cold to be in the water!” she giggled, pulling him up to her spot on the bank. “Oh, you’re shivering! C’mon, I’ll let you use my heated blanket. And I think it’s going to rain, so we can just hang out on the couch with some snacks and chat.”

There wasn’t a cloud in the sky as she smiled at him, still holding his hand tightly in hers.

She knew, and she wasn’t going to let it happen.

**-Alex-**

“You want me to bring you back a souvenir?” she joked as she tossed the last clip into her pack. “What could I get you, hm? Maybe a new courser chip? I know you really wanted to keep the last one.”

MacCready chuckled as he watched her zip up the pack. “Never knew those coursers came with a free prize. If you screw up another one’s day, I’ll be more than happy to take it off your hands.”

“Okay, but what else would you want? Like, assuming all the coursers run for their lives or something. I _am_ a courser-killing murder machine, so I can see why they’d wanna fuck right out of my way.” Alex grinned as she laid her pack on the end of the couch, right beside all of her armor. Everything was ready to go for the following morning.

“I guess just surprise me, then. A snow globe, maybe. You know what I like,” he said with a little shrug. “But seriously, I want you to be safe. This isn’t a joke. You can’t just go strolling into the Institute and expect everything to be all flowers and sunshine.”

She rolled her eyes as she sighed. They had been over this a million times. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he was trying to talk her out of going. It was dangerous, yes, but she needed to do this. She needed to learn that her son was truly gone, if for no other reason than to know she could stop looking for him. Closure. That was all she needed. And if they killed her for trying to seek that… well, that was how it was going to go. And that was something she was willing to die for.

“I’ll be fine, alright? I’ve got a couple plans in mind. Everything will work out,” she assured him, though it seemed like only her return was going to ease his anxiety. “I’m gonna get ready for bed.”

In front of the bathroom mirror, instead of thinking about Shaun or the Institute, her thoughts focused on MacCready again. He was acting a lot different since arriving in Sanctuary with the plans for the signal interceptor. First, he kept hovering closer to her than usual, then he wanted to hear her plans for battling her way through the Institute over and over again, and then a few days ago, she’d found him standing in the middle of the creek. He hadn’t even heard her approaching and then he had just stared blankly at her. It was weird. After she had sat with him for a couple hours, he seemed to be back to normal. She didn’t know what was going through his head, but guessed that he was stressed out and needed a distraction. For him, she was happy to provide it.

Now that she was leaving, she was a bit more worried about him. Would he be okay while she was gone? She thought about asking Sturges to keep an eye on him. They liked hanging out, drinking beers together, shooting guns. Guy stuff. But would guy stuff keep him distracted from whatever was bothering him? That, she couldn’t be sure of. She could really only ask and hope for the best. She couldn’t stay behind to keep him safe, not when her son called her forward. It was a tough decision, but one she had to make.

Alex took a deep breath and pushed all that from her mind as she stepped out of the bathroom. It was time for bed and she needed her mind to be clear. Anxious thoughts would only keep her up and leave her exhausted for tomorrow.

“’Night, Mac! I’ll see you in the morning,” she called as she passed his room.

He poked his head around the door and smiled at her. “Goodnight. See you in the morning.”

The huge double bed in her room was so soft and comfy as she laid down in the center of it and flipped the lights off. The silk of her favorite blue pajamas brushed against her skin once she curled up under the blanket and got cozy before trying to fall asleep. But even with an empty, calm head, she still felt a bit of fear gripping her throat. It squeezed tighter and tighter as she stared into complete darkness, seeing nothing. Anxious vigilance grew in the back of her mind, at first nothing more than an annoyance. Before long, though, it encompassed her whole body and she felt herself jumping or tensing at every small creak and drip of the pipes. But to her, they weren’t the normal sounds of the bunker. Instead, she became increasingly certain that a synth had crept into her room to wait until she was sleeping.

At the sound of one particularly loud creak, she shot up in bed and turned the lights on to see nothing more than an empty room. The creaking was only coming from a noisy radiator on the opposite side of the bed, but that didn’t put her subconscious at ease. With the lights off again, she fought hard against the urge to hunt down every last sound. It took a while, but thankfully her exhaustion seemed to be winning and she felt her eyelids beginning to droop.

Just before she drifted off to sleep, a knock at her door perked her right up again. Something shifted quietly on the other side and she laid still as she waited.

“Um, Alex? Are you still up?” MacCready murmured through the door.

That was odd; she didn’t have any idea of what he could want this late at night. “Yeah, I’m up,” she answered, sitting up in the bed.

“Can I come in? I um, I need to talk to you,” he said. His voice was quiet and gravelly, and he didn’t sound anything like his usual, confident self.

“The door’s open. Is everything alright?” Her eyebrows drew in as the door swung into the room and he shuffled a bit closer, his hands clasped in front of him. He was dressed in his pajamas and looked like he had been in bed for at least a little while already. The worry she had felt earlier for him was coming back and she swallowed hard.

His eyes glanced to the floor as he rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. “Um, sorry if I woke you up. It won’t take long. Um…”

“Come here,” she said, patting the edge of the bed. “What’s going on?”

Standing in the light of the doorway, he hesitated for a moment, and then his eyes squeezed shut as tears began rolling down his cheeks. “Alex… I know your mind is set on going tomorrow, but… please, you’ve gotta come back. I need you to come back…”

Alex flipped the light on again as she slipped out of bed and quietly padded over to him. She’d never known he was so sad about her leaving for just a day. Her hand slipped in his and she brought him over to sit at the edge of the bed, then she carefully brushed his tears away as she curled up beside him. “It’s okay. I’ll come back, promise. Even… even if I don’t find Shaun before I have to go, I’ll make it back to you. I promise,” she whispered, trying to calm him down. “What’s got you so worried about me lately, hm?”

“It’s just that- I don’t know. I- I know you can take care of yourself, but you’ll be all alone. And anything could happen in there. Look, I…” MacCready trailed off as he glanced at her, then stared at her hands in her lap. He looked as if he had been crying for a while, not just once he got to her room. A few more tears fell as his eyebrows drew together. “I’ve been thinking about, well, about before. Back when you helped me with Winlock and Barnes. I didn’t expect you to come to my room that night and I hadn’t really thought about what I was going to say when you did. I just told you I would think about it. And I did, every night since then.

“At first, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to let anyone else in. Not after everything that happened with Lucy. It really hurt when she died, and it still does. No matter how bad things got, she was always there with a shoulder to lean on. It gave me... well, it gave me the courage I needed to press ahead... to never give up. Like I told you before, when she died, I thought all those feelings were gone forever. But you… you’re a lot like her. You’ve got the world’s problems on your back, and here you are helping me with mine. I know I’m rambling now. Sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you up. But I felt like I needed to tell you before you go that… that I love you, Alex. I have for a while. I just didn’t know how to deal with that. I didn’t know how to trust someone else. And truthfully, it felt like I was betraying Lucy. But she’s gone… and I think she would want me to move on.”

Tears poured from her eyes as she listened to his confession, taking every word to heart. On one hand, she was overjoyed that he did indeed love her back. Her heart swelled as she repeated his words in her head, almost disbelieving. To have him return her feelings… it was like an ancient fairytale come true for her. But on the other hand, she was deeply saddened to hear more about Lucy. It reminded her of some of her own memories, ones that had been far too painful to think back on. She knew that pain as deeply and intimately as he did. She gently wiped his tears away before wrapping an arm around his neck to bring him close. As their cheeks brushed together, she felt his warm, careful hands on her back, pulling her into him as he mumbled another hushed “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Robert. I love you so much. I’m sorry I have to leave, but I swear I’ll come back for you,” Alex whispered in his ear. She felt him nod his head as his breathing hitched, and he wrapped his arms tighter around her. “Please don’t cry, okay? I’m scared, too, but everything will work out in the end. I wish I could bring you with me, I really do. But if I don’t make it back… please don’t wait around for me. Get back to Duncan. He needs you more than anyone. Please, please don’t leave him alone. I know it’s hard, and it hurts so damn bad, I know, I know… But you’re still young and you have so much ahead of you, in Duncan’s life. If I don’t make it back, I’ll still always watch over you. Lucy’s watching, too.”

They held each other close in the silence and sobbed into the other’s shoulder, both quietly lamenting the past one last time before stepping into their future together, no matter how short it may be. After what felt like a very long time, once he had calmed his tears, MacCready drew a hand up to her chin and gently turned her face toward him. Their gazes met and she studied his flushed cheeks, his red, tired eyes, the way his eyebrows pulled together and very slightly downward, how his lips twitched and parted as he stared into her face. Her hands cupped his cheeks as he leaned in close, and then her fingers twined in his thick, soft hair as their lips brushed and danced and played together in a sweet, perfect kiss. She breathed him in as they parted for a brief moment, relishing that lingering scent of gunpowder and stale cigarettes that seemed to follow him no matter how clean he scrubbed his skin. He leaned in for another kiss, but she turned her face away as a sharp feeling of anguish pierced her. It had been so, so long since she’d held someone she truly loved… She felt his hands brushing her hair behind her ears as she pulled away.

“Are you alright? I’m sorry, I know it must be hard to do this after, well… you know,” he said, squeezing her hand. He looked incredibly sympathetic and gentle, like he could never hurt a fly. It was so different from the aloof, hard-hearted mercenary that he made himself out to be.

“It’s… No, it’s not about Nate. It’s about who he took me from. When he kidnapped me and brought me here, I was already engaged to a woman named Bonnie,” Alex said, holding his hand tight. “I lied to her one day and went to see Nate. I wasn’t cheating, nothing like that. She had no idea where I was when he took me that afternoon, and after a while I found out that she just assumed I had left her. I never heard from her again. I guess I was just… thinking about her now.”

MacCready pulled her hand to his lips and left a tender kiss there before he nodded. “When I met Lucy, I told her I was a soldier. Never could bring myself to tell her the truth… that I was just a hired killer. The soldier story was the best thing I could come up with. I didn’t want to lose her because of what I was.”

“Sounds like we both had good intentions, then.” She bit her lip and glanced up at him. “Would it bother you if I still love her?”

“I don’t know. I mean, we’re two sides of the same coin, right? It’s true, I miss Lucy to death, but at some point, we have to move on, don’t you think?” he said. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing Lucy, in a way, so… no, I guess it wouldn’t bother me. I can’t stop you from still holding feelings for her, anyway.”

She nodded, then pressed a light kiss to his cheek as they held each other close again. That was a good enough answer for her.

“Look, I don’t want to get into the whole thing with Nate, but I really hope that you can trust me after all that. I can’t imagine what that experience was like, but I know it must be difficult for you to move on from that. Especially considering it hasn’t been very long for you. And I want to help you, if you’ll let me,” he murmured, rubbing his thumb against her back. He gave her a deeply compassionate look as tears started to well up in her eyes. “Just talk to me, okay? If I ever do anything wrong, no matter what it is, all you have to do is tell me. You don’t even need to explain.”

“Thank you,” she said quietly. Her vision went blurry as her tears grew large and slid down her cheeks, and she began to choke up at his kindness. Nobody had been sympathetic toward her relationship with Nate before, and it was far more than she could ever have asked of him. “Tha-thank you, so m-much. I don’t know ho-how t-to tell you how mu-much that m-means to me.”

“You don’t deserve to be stuck with someone like that ever again. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m going to be the best that I can for you. I love you, and I wouldn’t want to ever do something to hurt you.”

After she had been given a moment to cry, MacCready trailed a few kisses over her cheeks, then pressed their lips together again. His were so warm, and he melted away all of her sadness and frustration with his gentle kiss. It was so wonderful that her heart began to ache as she begged in her mind for more kisses, more warmth, more love and trust and acceptance from him. Their noses touched and bumped together as she pulled his bottom lip between her teeth and gently nipped it, daring him to get closer, to show her what his love really meant. He gasped and moaned and his hands trailed down her back, flirting dangerously with the hem of her nightgown.

Alex slipped her knees around his hips and pressed her body close to his as he teased her tongue, playfully flicking it when she grew shy and pulled back. A tiny, sweet laugh pierced what remained of the silence. “C’mon, we both want it. There’s no need to tease,” she breathed, smiling around his mouth. “Please, just be gentle with me.”

His arms wrapped around her legs as he stood, holding her against him, and shifted their bodies so that she was beneath him as they laid back on the bed. He pinned her down with his whole body as he let his lips trail over her collarbone and down to the very top of her chest, sucking and nipping on her soft skin. Her fingers rubbed up the back of his neck, then twisted in his hair again as she felt her skin growing hot and her heart beating fast in her chest. A raspy breath escaped her as he pushed his hands beneath her nightgown and forced the silky fabric over her head, revealing her warm breasts and the scarred landscape of her plump stomach. She bit her lip and felt her heart sinking fast when he paused, thinking that he was surely disgusted by her now.

“Is- is it okay? I’m sorry I-I’m not perfect,” Alex whimpered, watching his face carefully as he stared at her.

“You don’t need to apologize for not being perfect. I didn’t expect you to be,” he answered, shaking his head. “I didn’t know you’d had so many surgeries… but you’re still just as beautiful with them.”

She let out a strained moan as he kissed each of her scars, one by one. It was so careful and sweet… not at all like the rough way Nate always had with her. Her craving for him only grew as his fingers slipped under the panties that still clung to her hips and slipped them over her knees. Naked and vulnerable to his touch, she reached out to grip the hem of his shirt and pulled it off. A few scars, far less neat than hers, dotted his skin, and she instantly wondered about all the times something had hurt him enough to leave those angry reminders behind. But she didn’t get much time to think about it before he tossed the rest of his clothes to the floor and leaned his whole body in for another passionate kiss. They both gasped and moaned and struggled to catch their breath as they began slipping into the moment, allowing one another’s touches to guide them.

Hot breath warmed her skin as he peppered even more kisses over her breasts. Her nails dug into his back as she pulled him into her body, dying to have him nip her just a bit harder each time. A low growl emanated from his throat as he finally gave her that painful indulgence, though he seemed hesitant to take it any further. But that was enough for her. She relaxed her fingers then, letting one hand move up to pet the nape of his neck again. His lips began trailing down between her breasts to the top of her stomach as his fingers traced up the inside of her thigh. The touch made her shiver, and her guard finally dropped as he carefully teased and caressed her.

Before she knew it, she was stroking and pulling him into her hips with the soft tips of her fingers, spreading her legs wide as he settled heavily between them. His hands reached under her knees and brought them up to wrap around his hips, and she obeyed despite the trembling fear that suddenly wrenched her whole body. The deep muscles of her hips clenched tightly as the tip of his cock brushed against the wet, ready folds between her legs and she fought hard to force them to relax. She wanted so badly to let him in, to let him be gentle with her and make love to her, and she was desperate to not let her fear of the pain that Nate constantly inflicted upon her get in the way of this fresh, new moment. Her fingers dipped between her thighs and carefully eased the muscles, opening herself up enough to let him inside.

“Are you okay?” he murmured into her ear. His voice was deep and raspy, and he grit his teeth as he forced himself to wait for her.

“I’m fine… Don’t stop, please,” Alex gasped, stroking her thumb over his cock when he hesitated.

“I can stop. All you have to do is say so.”

“I said don’t!”

A little, shocked cry echoed against the bare concrete of the bedroom as he rolled his hips into hers, and her fingers scrambled to hold tightly to his neck. She clenched a bit again as his thick, burning cock filled every last inch of her, sending a massive burst of pain exploding in every last nerve in her hips. But despite the pain, it felt far too good to have him this close to her and she refused to let her body stop them. Her lips grew numb as she begged him over and over to keep going, to please god keep going. He thrust into her again, this time hard enough to slide her back over the sheets before he moved his hands to keep her in place. His heavy panting echoed in her ear as she held him close, never wanting to let him get too far lest she lose him forever. Each thrust of his hips forced yet another shaky gasp or cry from her throat and tears began to prick her eyes, not from pain, but from knowing that he did really love her very much. Eventually the pain gave way to that familiar, sweet feeling between her thighs and a soft moan escaped her throat as he whispered in her ear. Finally, she could enjoy this intimate act of absolute pleasure.

The night continued on, hungry and sweltering, for several long minutes more before they finally collapsed beside each other, panting and satisfied. Heavy exhaustion pulled at her eyelids as they curled up beneath the blankets, still holding tightly to the other’s body. The chilly air of the bedroom made her shiver as her sweaty, burning skin finally began to cool. MacCready pulled her closer into his chest, sharing his warmth with her as she yawned.

“I’m glad you’re here now. I was too scared to fall asleep earlier…”

“It’s alright. I’m not going to let anything bother you.”

“I’m going to miss you tomorrow, Robert.”

“I’m going to miss you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! FINALLYYYYYYYY!!! i have been jumping up and down waiting to be able to post this chapter and the time has finally come! i really hope this was worth the wait, and it definitely won't be the only intimate part of the fic. honestly, there is so much more planned, their story is only just now beginning! and if you can't get enough of these cuties, i created a spotify playlist (https://open.spotify.com/user/squiiints/playlist/1dx2yBS2rzyvjYBtoZOIhv) you may have to copy and paste the link into spotify, AO3 is weird about links
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted. I also really appreciate all your comments, anon or not! Thank you for reading!


	18. Prodigal Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Institute. The boogeyman of the Commonwealth. Alex is hesitant, but she pushes ahead to find the one thing she came looking for. Closure.

**-Alex-**

“Here, don’t forget this!” MacCready called out, holding up the power armor helmet in both hands. He smirked as a look of shocked realization crossed her face.

“Oh, yeah, might need that. Damn,” she chuckled. The huge, metal fingers of her suit closed around it as they took a few steps towards each other, but she just held it at her side as she peered down at him. A bittersweet smile pulled at her cheeks. “Alright, well… I guess I should go. Look after Dogmeat while I’m gone, okay? Don’t let him get into any trouble.”

“I won’t, don’t worry.” He laughed a bit, but his amusement was cut short as Sturges finished making the final preparations on the teleporter. The huge piece of machinery whirred to life, and he rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. “Please just… remember what I told you. Stay safe in there. I love you, and I’ll be waiting right here for you to get back.”

“I love you, too. I’ll try to hurry, I promise,” Alex mumbled, blinking back tears.

Behind them, the teleporter began shooting huge arcs of electricity from the top as it grew louder and louder. Her brow pulled together sharply as she stared up at it, unsure if the thing was going to be safe. Over at the console, all sorts of lights were flashing and a radio wave seemed to be coming in strongly.

“Alex, I don’t mean to cut your conversation short, but uh, heh, I don’t know how much longer I can keep the signal up and running for,” Sturges shouted over the noise. “If you want to be sure this thing will work properly, you need to get over here quick!”

She turned back to MacCready, who looked sad as he began pushing her towards the teleporter. “Go on! Don’t miss your chance!” he yelled, pointing to the platform.

“You still got that holotape I gave ya the other day, right?” When she nodded from the center of the platform, Sturges gave her a thumbs-up. “Good! Now, hold real still! Should be any se-“

A brilliant flash of light instantly erased MacCready’s face from her view, and she felt her heart flutter at the sudden loss of him. All sorts of sounds, and no sounds at all, pierced her ears as the light pulsed from blue and then to white, and for a split second, her vision went black. A sound like passing through a wind tunnel blocked out everything around her. Then a quiet ringing burned her ears as another white light slowly opened up in front of her, and it reminded her of the stories of people dying. But… she wasn’t dying, at least, she didn’t feel like she was. The outline of a rectangle came into view directly in front of her, and then it became a doorway, and then the room beyond stretched out under bright, even fluorescence. In the haze of whatever room she was currently in, she could see the back of a console sitting just outside the door.

That must have been where she was supposed to take the holotape. Sturges said it would more than likely be near the teleporter, wherever she ended up. Only the sound of hydraulics and the low hum of the overhead lights reached her ears as she cautiously moved forward, one step at a time. To say she was surprised by the lack of synths, or people, or huge, clawed monsters was a massive understatement. Her ears felt as if they would pop off any moment, she was straining so hard to hear any little noise. Even the sound of the holotape loading into the console sounded deafening compared to the near silence. Once it had downloaded everything Sturges needed, she ejected the tape and tucked it away in one of her pouches.

_“Hello.”_

If not for the bulky armor, she would have hit the ceiling when the cool, even voice filled the room. Her heart sped up a million beats a minute and her eyes darted back and forth as she scanned the open space for even the tiniest movement.

_“I wondered if you might make it here. You’re quite resourceful.”_

At first, she hadn’t been sure the voice was speaking to her. But it definitely seemed to be directed at her now, and she caught herself creeping to the edge of the steps that would take her down into the next, unknown room.

_“I am known as Father; the Institute is under my guidance.”_

Oh.

_“I know why you’re here. I’d like to discuss things with you, face-to-face. Please, step into the elevator.”_

The giant glass cylinder at the other end of the room slid open to greet her. Alex couldn’t wrap her mind around why the person who had arranged to kidnap her son was so calm, so collected, but… it put her at ease, too. Something just felt right about it as she stepped into the elevator and allowed it to take her wherever it pleased, despite everything.

_“I can only imagine what you’ve heard. What you think of us. I’d like to show you that you may have… the wrong impression.”_

Bright, white lights passed in front of her every few feet as the elevator descended, though where to, she had little guess. But soon, the darkened tunnel passed and a beautiful expanse of crisp greens and whites and yellows opened up under her feet. The glass carriage twirled down as huge windows and balconies rose up at the edges of the massive courtyard, overlooking the trees and flowers below. Children played tag in the grass and at the banks of a narrow, circular river, while their parents milled about on the bridges. The whole scene unfolded before her like a perfect utopia.

_“Welcome to the Institute.”_

It was nothing at all like she’d imagined. It couldn’t even come close.

_“This is the reality of the Institute. This place, these people, the work we do.”_

It was so peaceful… She suddenly felt silly wearing a suit of clunking, dirty power armor.

_“For over a hundred years, we’ve dedicated ourselves to humanity’s survival.”_

A pair of scientists came into view as the elevator neared a platform just above the main courtyard. But it didn’t slow to a stop, and the man didn’t stop speaking to her.

_“Decades of research, countless experiments and trials… A shared vision of how science can shape the future.”_

The elevator slipped to the bottom of the courtyard, and then even lower than that as she stared out at what must have surely been a dream. It was too perfect. It was just starting to feel… amiss.

_“It has never been easy, and our actions are often misinterpreted by those above ground.”_

Misinterpreted?

_“Someday, perhaps, we can show them what we’ve accomplished. But for now, we must remain underground.”_

The elevator came to a silent, gentle stop at the very bottom of a room below the courtyard. A hallway stretched far in front of her, glistening white and empty of the happy, healthy people she had seen just above her.

_“There’s too much at stake here to risk it all. As you’ve seen, things above are… unstable.”_

At the end of the long hallway, a camera peered down at her. She felt her heart skip a beat as she realized they had probably been watching her the entire time.

_“I’d like to talk to you about what we can do… for everyone.”_

The hallway curved and she followed it to another elevator, this one similar to those industrial, boxed-in elevators she was familiar with. Not like the shining, glass carriage that showed her something out of her imagination.

_“But that can wait. You are here for a specific, very personal reason. You are here for your son.”_

The voice went silent as she stepped into the elevator and took it up to somewhere else unknown. Her whole body trembled as the glass floor came to a stop and the doors slid open to reveal a small room. There, just opposite the elevator, was a tiny, glass cage. And sitting with his back to the glass…

“Shaun!” Alex shouted, tearing her helmet away so that she could see her son through unclouded eyes. The boy turned to look up at her as she pressed herself against the glass, staring into the cage. It was nearly bare, with just an empty table and a bed. Angry tears filled her eyes as she imagined what cruel, heartless people would leave a young boy in a place like this.

“Huh? Yes… I’m Shaun,” he answered, standing in front of her. His blue eyes, just like hers, scanned her face as she looked him up and down.

“It’s okay, sweetie! I’m going to get you out of there, alright?” She forced herself to smile, to try to keep him calm even when her heart was racing and adrenaline pounded in her ears. By the door, the button only responded with a low beep as she pressed it over and over again.

His lips turned down as he stepped away from the glass. “Who are you?”

Of course, he wouldn’t recognize her. Hell, she hardly recognized him. “Shaun, I know you’ve never met me before, but… I’m your mom. These people, they kidnapped you when you were little. I’ve been searching for you for a long time,” she said, choking back tears.

“Father! What’s going on? What’s happening?” he shouted, glancing towards the door behind him. Terror filled the boy’s face as he backed away from her, shaking his head. But… there was something wrong about it. The emotion was condensed, in a way, as if there was something inhibiting him.

Alex held her hands up and shook her head, trying harder to keep him calm as tears slid down her cheeks. “Shaun, it’s okay. Please don’t shout! I know this is scary, but I promise, I’m only trying to help you! Is there a way to open this door? I’m just trying to get you out of here, so I can take you somewhere safe!”

“I don’t know you! Go away!” He glared at her as he backed closer to the other door, shouting louder and louder. “Father! Help me! There’s someone here! She’s trying to take me! Father, help me! Father!”

The door next to the cage slid open and she froze as an older, gray-haired man stepped into the room. His crisp, white lab coat flapped against the back of his knees as he came to a short stop and steepled his fingertips, staring at nothing in front of him. “Shaun… S9-23 Recall Code Cirrus,” he commanded.

The gibberish meant nothing to her, but her eyes grew wide as Shaun instantly slumped over. His body hung there, completely unmoving. He wasn’t even breathing. As she stood dumbfounded, the old man shook his head and gestured toward the cage.

“Fascinating… but disappointing. The child’s responses were not at all what I anticipated,” he mused, almost to himself. “He’s a prototype, you understand. We’re only just now beginning to explore the effects of extreme emotional stimuli.”

“What? No, I… don’t understand… Is that not my- my son?” she said, stumbling over her thoughts. All of this was starting to become too much and her legs trembled weakly in the suit.

“Please try and keep an open mind. I recognize that you are emotional, and that your journey here has been fraught with challenges. Let’s start anew.” A tiny smile grew on his face, crinkling his beard at the corner of his lip. “I am Father. Welcome to the Institute.”

“Look, all I want to know is what happened to my son. Please! Surely you have kids, right? You understand?” she said, forcing herself to stay as calm as possible. “Even if he’s… not alive anymore. I just want to know. That’s it.”

“I know, I know. You’ve gone to such lengths to find him. I promised answers, and answers you shall have. But I need you to realize that this… _situation_ is far more complicated than you could have imagined. You have traveled very far, and suffered a great deal, to find your son. Well, your tenacity and dedication have been rewarded.”

Every bit of her hinged on his words as he spoke, begging him to tell her something. She didn’t feel anger, or sadness, or any emotion at all, really. All she felt was apprehension over his answer and a calm peace that she was finally at the end. That she would finally have her closure.

Father clasped his hands in front of him and bowed his head. “It’s good to finally meet you, after all this time. It’s me. I am Shaun. I am… your son.”

Her heart stopped and instantly evaporated at his admission. It felt as if he had punched all the breath from her lungs. She stared at him, studying his face, completely disbelieving even as much as she _wanted_ to believe. He’d been born with the same destructive condition she had, yet here he was… standing in front of her on his own two legs. No wheelchair, no broken and twisted joints, no braces to hold his body together… She shook her head, but no words would come out of her mouth.

“I know this is a lot to take in. In the vault, you had no concept of the passage of time. You were released from your pod, and went searching for the son you’d lost,” he said calmly. Not even a tear pricked his eye, standing before the parent he had grown up without. “But then you learned that your son was no longer an infant, but a 10-year-old boy. You believed that 10 years had passed. Is it really so hard to accept that it was not 10, but 60 years? That is the reality. And here I am. Raised by the Institute, and now it’s leader.”

“I just- Aren’t you hurting? I was never around to tell you that… I passed my disease on to you. That you have a hole in your spinal cord. And I’m so sorry. I wish it hadn’t happened that way, but it was out of my control,” she cried, shaking her head. “I’m so glad I found you, I really am! But… how do you look so… healthy? After all this time?”

He smiled again and gestured behind him. “I know. It has been a struggle, as I’m sure you’re well aware of. The doctors here have worked tirelessly to ensure that I receive only the best care. I’m happy to say that they were able to cure me. And, if you so choose, I’m sure that they are able to do the same for you. Now, I know there’s more for us to discuss, but… The Institute is on the verge of some important breakthroughs. Your presence would be… appreciated as we approach them. I’ve been part of something amazing here. I’ve helped to build a life for myself and the people of the Institute, and now, after all these years, you have an opportunity to help with that. Doesn’t that intrigue you? Isn’t that what you want?”

“I don’t… I don’t know, Shaun. I want to stay with you, but… there are some people I can’t leave behind.” She frowned as she thought about the life she had built in the wasteland, and about losing her chance at a relationship with him. If she left, she could continue to be with MacCready and the others, but if she stayed, there was the possibility that she could be cured and live out her life with her son. “This is a really difficult decision for me, to be honest with you.”

“The Institute can provide a better life than anything above ground. Is that so hard to imagine? You’ve been in the Commonwealth. You’ve seen what it’s like. I assure you that you are better off with us. You’ll be cured, and you’ll live long and free of pain.”

“I know. That’s what I want. But I need time to decide,” Alex said, looking him in the eyes.

He nodded as the smile slipped from his face. His disappointment was subtle, but she still saw it. “Just… give it time. Give the Institute a chance. Please, take some time, get to know it. For now, I’d like to introduce you to our Division Directors, if you’ll allow me. You may leave your… armor in this room.”

“Yeah, I’d love to spend some more time with you,” she murmured, stepping out of her suit. Standing in front of him, she realized he was taller and broader, much like Nate. In fact, his face reminded her a lot of him, too. “Where are we going first?”

“I’d like to introduce you to Dr. Dean Volkert first and foremost. He is our head physician and will be providing all of your healthcare services, including any surgical procedures,” Shaun said, showing her out into the main hallway.

Dozens of scientists and synths passed them as they walked the halls together, chatting idly about the history of the Institute and the production of the synths. As she listened, Alex felt herself growing more and more grateful for the excellent way that the scientists raised him, even if they did use him for experiments. He was polite and gracious in his speech, he was neat and orderly, and he kept his head held high as they walked alongside each other. The amount of respect he commanded was admirable, and she was in awe of his leadership ability. The Institute was obviously, from what she could see, no small organization to direct.

Just outside the courtyard, they entered a small medical bay. A few beds lined the walls of the open area, and on the opposite side was a check-in desk and supply cabinets. A nurse carried out her duties on a pair of people wearing plain jumpsuits. They stood still as she stabbed huge shots into them both, and Alex raised an eyebrow.

“Do synths get sick, too?” she said, feeling a bit stupid for asking.

“Rarely, they may contract certain infections or cancers. However, they often show no signs or symptoms as they aren’t built with human immune systems. It truly is a marvel of science that we are able to create organic organisms that resist almost all illnesses,” he answered. Shaun gestured to an elderly man wearing a green and white jumpsuit as they drew closer to a large desk tucked off to one side. “Dr. Volkert? I trust you have a moment to meet my mother, Alexandria. We spoke about her treatment plan just last week, you remember.”

“Ah, yes. I do remember that. It’s nice to meet you, Alexandria. I’m Dean Volkert, the Institute’s best physician,” he said, chuckling as he held out a hand.

She smiled as they shook. He was surprisingly gentle, but she thought maybe he already knew about her arthritis. “It’s very nice to meet you, too. But you can just call me Alex. Um, I take it you’ve learned a lot about syringomyelia?”

“Yes, yes, I have to say that I’ve studied into it quite a bit. At the time that Shaun received his surgery, I was just a resident physician, but I helped alongside my father during all of his treatment. I’ll let you get settled in for now, but once you’re ready, I’ll want to do a complete physical and get a file going on you. No hurry, though.”

After she thanked the doctor, Shaun directed her toward the courtyard. It was even more beautiful up close. The crystal-clear water flowed all the way around in a circle, watering the grass and plants between the walkways. A group of young scientists stood chatting over cups of coffee, and he pointed out the cafeteria. On the opposite side of the elevator, they stepped into an open equipment area where two scientists in plain jumpsuits were working on a couple Gen 2 synths. Alex hesitated as one of them stared her up and down with its yellow, robotic eyes.

Shaun chuckled when he noticed her staring back at it. “There’s no need for alarm. I apologize for the synths that have harmed you in the past, but they will leave you be now,” he assured her.

Around the outside of the courtyard, past the open rooms they had come from, were the main Divisions. Shaun pointed her to the left and they followed a bright, neon green line to a large main door with a green logo over it. She almost instantly recognized the symbol from the cybernetics she had taken from Kellogg’s brain. They stepped inside and he ushered her down the long hallway into a huge room filled with healthy, green plants and equipment. Scientists in green and white jumpsuits, similar to Dr. Volkert’s, worked on all sorts of tasks at the various stations around the lab. To their left, a large glassed-in cage held a pair of gorillas. Her eyes grew large as she watched them play together, thinking they had all gone extinct at some point after the war. One scientist stopped in front of them and smiled as he followed her line of sight.

“Amazing, aren’t they? A bit of a pet project, if you don’t mind the pun. We’d like to work on developing a whole line of synthetic animals, if we could get the time,” he said, sounding chipper. “Anyway, it’s so nice to have you here. Doctor Clayton Holdren, head of the BioScience Division. I can’t wait for you to see the other work we’re doing here. It’s truly amazing.”

“Dr. Holdren is also in charge of some of our medical services. You remember, Clayton, our meeting with Dr. Volkert last week?” Shaun asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, yes sir! I was really fascinated with your records, if you don’t mind me saying so, Alexandria. It’s not every day that we see patients with such complex neurological conditions. Of course, we’ve developed an excellent treatment and surgical plan for you. I believe Dr. Volkert and I had planned to meet with you in private at some point to discuss it further with you.” Holdren seemed pleased with whatever they had gathered for her, and she was honestly glad that they were taking such an interest. It always made the situation smoother when they were eager to help.

“Call me Alex,” she said, returning his smile. “I’d love to hear what y’all pulled together. I’ll let you or Dr. Volkert know a good time for that after he’s done my physical.”

“Of course. I’m sure I’ve taken up enough of your time as it is, but I have to ask. Have you decided whether you’ll join us?”

“I’d love to say yes, but I’m still deciding. There are lots of factors I need to consider,” she answered politely.

“I completely understand. Well, if there’s any questions you may have about our Division, please feel free to ask me or any of my colleagues here. We’re all happy to help you settle in comfortably,” he said before getting back to the plants behind him.

Once she’d gotten a chance to look around at the different plants and pharmaceutical stations, she followed Shaun back out into the main hallway. They didn’t speak much as they walked. After a short distance, they came to another Division door with a blue atom logo over it. This lab was a lot smaller than BioScience, and she struggled to stay out of the way as a few scientists milled around between the equipment. He showed her to an open room off to the side, where a woman in a white and blue lab coat was typing away on a terminal. She didn’t exactly seem pleased by their arrival, but she was respectful as Shaun stopped in front of her desk.

“Madison, this is my mother, Alex. Alex, this is Dr. Madison Li, head of Advanced Systems. She is truly an exceptional scientist and has dedicated some of her best work to the Institute, including the teleportation matrix,” he said, clasping his hands behind his back.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Alex said, holding out a hand. Dr. Li was obviously reluctant, but took her hand anyway.

“Ah, yes. We’ve all been waiting some time for you. Welcome to Advanced Systems,” she said, speaking quickly and evenly. “I believe Father is excited to show you some of our special projects. You’ve seen the boy- er, synth, already? We’ve been hard at work on him for quite a while now. Now, before I forget, let me see that Pip-Boy of yours. I’ve been told to install a courser chip in it. You’re to be given full access, with the ability to relay in and out of the Institute at will.”

Alex turned her Pip-Boy off and handed it over. She wasn’t exactly thrilled with having a tracking chip on her at all times, but the ability to come and go would be nice. Well, assuming she even agreed to stay and help out. She still didn’t fully understand what she was meant to be doing; she wasn’t a scientist.

“Um, thanks…”

“You can pick up your Pip-Boy in a few hours. If there’s nothing else you need, I do really need to get back to work,” Dr. Li said.

“That will be all, Madison. Thank you,” Shaun said, leading Alex back toward the door. Over the courtyard loudspeaker, the end of a lunch announcement was playing. “There are still two Division Directors to meet, but their meal break is beginning. Would you like to join me upstairs for lunch?”

“Yeah, sure. I haven’t eaten yet today,” she said, nodding. Actually, she was just starting to realize how hungry she was.

Back in his quarters, a synth was already lighting candles and preparing their lunch at the dining table. The smell of roast chicken, carrots, and mashed potatoes filled the room as it served them each a plate. Then it cleaned up the empty serving dishes and left without a word. Once they were alone, they silently took their seats, and Shaun waited patiently for her to start eating first. The food was excellent, far better than most wasteland meals, but she was careful not to eat too fast. There was no need to scarf her food down when she had all the time in the world. They ate their meal together for a few minutes, chatting again about the Gen 3’s, before she remembered the glass cage below them.

“Oh, um… about the synth…” Alex said shyly, trailing off as she thought about how to phrase her question.

“You mean the child? It’s a fascinating project, really. There are issues to be solved, of course, but we’ve made remarkable progress,” he answered, leaning toward her.

“It’s interesting, yeah. But it seems like a strange choice, on a lot of levels.”

Shaun gave her a restricted nod. “I can understand how it might seem that way. It was… it _is_ , something new. New discoveries are always welcome. I’ll make sure its brought back online in the near future. You’ll have an opportunity to interact with him further,” he said, and then he seemed to think about it for a moment. “But I’ll admit, I’m curious. As a mother looking for her child, looking for the younger version of me… what do you think? Do you think you could love him? Like you would a real boy?”

“No, I couldn’t love it. And honestly, I would prefer not to spend time with it again,” she snapped, feeling a burning frown pull at her face before she could stop herself.

“I understand you’ve been through quite a lot, but I’m interested to know why you seem to hold so much hostility towards him.” He folded his hands atop the table as he watched her, though she didn’t see any judgement in his face.

Her brow slowly knit as she looked down at her hands. She picked at the cloth napkin with her nails, unsure of how to word her thoughts. It was difficult to explain her feelings, and she didn’t want to hurt him in the process. “Shaun, I… I love you, and I don’t want you to think anything differently than that, but… I don’t think you realize the situation between me and your father. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I’d already made the choice a long time before you were born that I wouldn’t have children. Your father, Nate, forced me-“

“So, you didn’t want me?” he asked, leaning back in his chair. His face remained expressionless, but his voice was hard as he spoke. “And you don’t want a younger version of your son either? Is that what you’re saying?”

“No, Shaun! I love you, but it’s… complicated.” Tears were starting to prick her eyes as he stared at her, and the wobble in her voice was becoming more apparent.

“I think we’re both adults here. You can explain it, and I will attempt to understand.”

Alex crushed her lip between her teeth as she tried to escape his gaze, but it was no use. The little boy she had so loved and hoped to have found demanded answers from her, even as she squirmed and shied away from him. The heat of his glare held the same hint of a temper that Nate had always carried. A painful breath caught in her throat as she remembered what happened when she lied, when she hid the truth away from him. Before she could stop them, the words flew from her lips in a desperate attempt to save her.

“Nate raped me. Over and over again, until I was pregnant. I miscarried the first baby, and he beat me, and then raped me until I was pregnant with you. I almost miscarried you twice. I won’t lie, I was begging for it to happen. I couldn’t take any of my medication and the weight of carrying a baby was crushing my spine. I was in so much pain, I couldn’t bear it. But no matter what, he forced me to keep you. He kept me locked in the house for weeks at a time, completely dependent on him for everything,” Alex wept, trembling violently as her fingers curled into small fists. “I love you so much, Shaun, but no, I never wanted you. I’m so sorry it had to be this way. I wish I could have been there for you, but they took you from me and I didn’t even think you had lived this long! I wanted to be able to get you treatments and medications and keep you comfortable, and I wanted to support you! But none of that happened, and I’m so sorry! I’m sorry, Shaun!”

A cold hand gripped her shoulder as she cried, pouring out all the hopeless, useless emotion that had built up through the weeks of searching. There was so much more of the situation to explain, but she didn’t know if she should, or could. It was too much sometimes for her to think about, let alone try to explain to the son she had missed his entire life. She dried her eyes on the napkin still held tightly in her fingers as he pulled his hand away and stood over her. Shaun stood there for some time, simply watching her sob and offering no comfort to the mother he clearly had no feelings for.

“I’m sorry. I had no idea that he was so cruel to you. As much as it saddens me to hear this, I understand now the reasons behind your feelings. Please, don’t feel guilty. It… wasn’t your fault.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELCOME TO INSTITUTE WEEK! this was another hard chapter to write, but i'm glad more and more of Alex's backstory is coming out. more of both of their backstories are coming out in the next few chapters, so it's going to be super exciting to see what happens! 
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when new chapters are posted! Thank you for reading, and please feel free to leave a comment, anon or not!


	19. Leave Me in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's return from the Institute leaves a lot of questions and decisions to make, but a single answer makes up her mind in an instant.

**-Alex-**

Raucous laughter echoed down the street, drowning out the music that blared from the radio perched on the living room window. The setting sun burned her eyes as she stepped up onto the covered drive to park her suit, but no one other than Dogmeat came rushing to greet her. She smiled, though, knowing they were having a good time as cigarette smoke billowed out of the doorway on another wave of laughter. The sound of glass smashing almost instantly gathered a chorus of jeers and disapproving hollers. Someone’s footsteps crunched and slipped over the glass as they stood and moved for the doorway, and Alex heard a familiar chuckle as he came closer to escaping their booing.

MacCready staggered into the doorway, his head down as he scratched the back of his neck. Just before he bumped into her, he jumped a little and glanced up. His jaw dropped, eyes widening as he stared at her, and then he threw his arms around her neck in a huge bear hug. “Alex! Holy shi- Alex, you’re back! You’re really, really back!” he shouted, rocking her back and forth.

Behind him, Preston, Sturges, and the others quickly gathered around the doorway to wave and welcome her back. Even Marcy gave her a little smile and a wave before disappearing again with Jun. But once that quick greeting was out of the way, they all went back into the house to give her and MacCready some space.

“It’s really you, right? You’re not a synth? I mean, I don’t think they can make synths as soft as you, but…” He thought about something for a moment, and then she could practically see the lightbulb go off over his head. “I know! Tell me what I told you this morning, right after I woke you up.”

She rolled her eyes as she remembered. “You woke me up and told me there was a big piece of hair up my nose. You even pulled it out and tried to stuff it back in my bun.”

“It was adorable, I’m not gonna lie. Even if it was kinda gross,” he chuckled, pecking her on the tip of her nose. “Damn, I just can’t believe you’re really back… What happened? Did you make all the coursers cry and run away, or what?!”

“I definitely want to tell you everything, but my brain is still trying to catch up with it all. Give me a bit to settle back in and get something to eat, and then we’ll talk,” she murmured, pulling his face in close for a warm kiss. She snorted as they eventually broke away. “Are you drunk?”

“Hm? Sturges said you told him to get me drunk. I’m not complainin’, though.” He flashed her a silly, toothy grin as she pushed his hat up. “I could use something to eat, too, if you’re already going to make dinner.”

“Oh, you sure do,” Alex teased, lightly smacking the back of her hand against his stomach. “C’mon, I’ll make us dinner. If you think of something you want, let me know.”

After they’d said goodnight to Preston and the others, the two of them hurried away to the bunker and she set to work cooking up a good, fried dinner. It wasn’t anything like the dainty food she’d been served at the Institute, but it was big and greasy and covered in messy sauce, and they ate far more than they should have. She popped open a fresh bottle of whiskey as they curled up on the couch in their pajamas, legs tangled together, and she giggled as he rested his head on her shoulder. Her fingers gently brushed up and down his back as they sipped their whiskey, silently enjoying each other’s company.

As she refilled his glass, he gave a tiny hiccup and sighed. “You gonna tell me what happened? Or am I gonna have to rely on my imagination again?” he mumbled, cocking an eyebrow.

“I was just about to tell you, actually,” she said, putting her glass down. “I found Shaun.”

“What? He’s- You found him? Well, where is he?” MacCready shifted back to stare at her, a whole host of emotions flitting across his face.

“Well, I couldn’t exactly bring him with me.” Alex pursed her lips as she glanced down at her hands, then took a deep breath as she met his gaze. “They tricked me. Not intentionally, I don’t think. But when I saw Shaun with Kellogg, it wasn’t the real Shaun. It was a synth, made to look like him as a little boy. It’s… disgusting, honestly. Adult synths, I can maybe understand, but a child? It’s not right.”

“Why the hell would they do that? And what happened to your son?”

She shrugged, having no answer for him. “I don’t entirely understand why they made him, other than to… give him to me, I guess. But my son was kidnapped 60 years ago, not 10. The Institute used his DNA to create synths, and then they raised him to become their leader,” she said softly. “He wants me to join him there, but he said I can never leave. I told him I would think about it, but I don’t think I want to go. I don’t want to leave you.”

MacCready swallowed hard as her hand slipped into his, and then his face fell. “I mean, if you’d rather go be with your son, I understand. He’s more important.”

“You’re important, too!” she cried, squeezing his hand in both of hers. “I love you, and I love Shaun, but I don’t think he loves me. The way he talks to me… he doesn’t see me as his _mother_ , but just a _parent_. A parent who was never there. Do you understand? He already accepted not knowing his parents. He doesn’t want me to stay and support him, but to support the Institute. That’s all.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he mumbled, nodding slowly, sadly. “He won’t ever love you, no matter what. Even if you had agreed to stay.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweet pea,” Alex whispered, bringing a hand to his cheek. She knew he hated to think about his parents, but of course she just hadn’t been thinking before she spoke. He pulled her hand to his lips and left a kiss there. “Um, I didn’t exactly say no, either. They… well, they have a way to cure me. That’s what has me really hung up. I would love to be rid of this, but is being trapped in the Institute worth a pain free life?”

“If it was my decision?” He frowned and shook his head. “I wouldn’t. But if that’s what you need…” he trailed off with a quiet sigh before tears suddenly began to well up in his eyes. “Look, I know I tend to be a pain in the ass- I mean, I know I tend to be arrogant and I come off like I want to be alone, but… Nothing could be further from the truth. Being alone scares the heck out of me. Alex, if there’s anything I can do to keep you from leaving me, please, just tell me! I know you’re in pain, but I can’t lose you!”

Alex pulled the nearly empty glass from his hand and gingerly placed it on the table as he bumped his forehead into her chest, sobbing like a child. Her hands rubbed up and down his back as she rocked him, slowly calming his tears, and eventually he sniffled as she held him close. He gave a shaky breath as she brushed the hair away from his damp, flushed face. A frown still pulled at the corners of his mouth, but he seemed to have calmed down quite a bit.

“I’m not going to leave you, okay? I _am_ in pain, but I love you too much to let that get in the way of being with you. I have medicine and all the things I need, so I’ll be just fine,” she said, patting his back. “I don’t want to stay with Shaun anyway. He’s not my son anymore, as much as I wish he was.”

“’Kay,” he whispered, still sniffling quietly against her chest. “Can I have my drink back?”

A smile lit her face and she giggled. “No, baby, I think that’s enough for tonight. You need some sleep now, and so do I.”

He was out before she could even get him tucked into the bed, but she supposed that was actually a good thing. Now he couldn’t beg for yet another hug or kiss, reaching out to grab at her every time she tried to pull away. As much as she wanted to hold him and shower him in gentle kisses forever, the trip to and from the Institute had taken quite a lot out of her. She would need several days rest now before they would be back on the road, but she had him to spend it with.

***

A thick cloud of dust poured down the side of the mountain as their Geiger counters clicked incessantly, warning them again of the rad-storm that thundered overhead. Bright red and orange ribbons, some sort of atmospheric anomaly brought on by the atomic bomb, slithered over the landscape as they climbed toward the tiny cave entrance. It was almost impossible to see in the dim light of the Sea, but a Deathclaw was creeping too closely to flip their headlamps back on.

“Ugh, god, _please_ tell me this is the last time we have to come out here?” MacCready whined, his voice crackling in the static of the radio. “This Rad-Away crap is making me itchy, and I can’t even scratch it…”

“That’s a good thing. Remember last time, hm? When I had to wrap your whole arms up in gauze ‘cause you scratched until you started bleeding? It was like having to put a cone of shame on a cat,” she chuckled.

“The hell’s a cone of shame?” he mumbled under his breath. She had to bite her lips to keep from laughing at him, but it was a whole lot easier said than done. Plenty more grumbling came in over the radio as they slipped and slid up the crumbling mountainside, and then he sighed as they finally reached the cave. “Oh, thank god…”

Once they had gotten far enough inside the tunnel to escape the high levels of radiation, they pulled their helmets off and stepped out of their suits, happy to get a chance to stretch for a moment. They left their weapons and packs there, taking only the FEV cure with them as they passed the turrets and can chimes that lined the rocky walls. Alex saluted the protectron as it toddled to a halt in front of them, and then it allowed them to enter the main room of the tiny cave. Virgil was furiously typing, or rather, trying to type, on a dusty terminal at the opposite end of the room. His back was to them as they approached, but he only gave a loud huff and slowly turned to face them.

“Well, I’m glad to see the relay didn’t completely vaporize you,” he said, his gruff voice finally showing a bit of pleasant surprise.

“’Completely’ is the key word there. I may or may not have a missing toe hanging out somewhere in the Commonwealth right now,” she joked, getting a slight laugh out of him. “But anyway, I know you’re less concerned about how the relay worked. Here’s your serum. I really appreciate all your help, so… I hope this still works.”

“That’s it! That’s really it!” he shouted, staring at the vial she pulled from her pouch.

As she held out the vial, a relieved smile grew on his face and he carefully pinched it between two fingers. It looked even tinier as he held it in his palm. Before she could say anything else, he rushed it over to one of the desks covered in medical supplies and slipped it into a test tube rack. He was muttering all sorts of things that neither she nor MacCready understood, but he seemed pleased enough with it. They both watched patiently as he drew the serum up into a syringe.

“Alright, here we go…” he murmured, steadying the syringe against his arm. The needle pushed into his vein as he held down the plunger, and then he gasped as he pulled it away. “And now, we wait.”

“How long, do you think?” Alex asked, shuffling her feet. She really hoped it wouldn’t kill him.

Virgil shook his head, looking exhausted now. That is, if a super mutant could even look exhausted. “I don’t know. Nothing like this has ever been tried before. I’m going to rest for a while. Come back in a few days, maybe a week, and… well, I guess we’ll see. In any event, you kept your end of the bargain. Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, nodding. “We’ll see you later, then.”

As they turned to leave, he held up a hand and called after her. “Wait, before you leave… I’m curious to know what you were looking for in there. Few people are as determined to make it in and out of there alive, and you even managed to grab the serum while you were at it. So what was it? And did you find it?”

Alex nodded as she turned back to him, but she bit her lip as she thought whether or not to tell him. Well, it couldn’t have hurt at this point. He couldn’t go back to the Institute, and he was more her ally at this point than her enemy. “I was looking for my son, Shaun. And yeah, I found him. Well, actually, he was waiting for me.”

“Wait… what?” He studied her face as he stood frozen, towering over her. “Shaun was your son?”

“What do you mean ‘was?’” she asked softly, giving him a puzzled expression. “Shaun’s still alive, I met him. I mean, no, I guess I didn’t get to raise him, but…”

“Your son died. Almost 30 years ago now.”

She shook her head, not understanding what he meant. “I don’t think we’re on the same page here. Father, the Director of the Institute, is my son. I met him, in person, and we talked about all kinds of shit. His kidnapping, the synths, th-“

“Yes, yes, I understand all that. If you’d just let me explain…” Virgil grumbled, cutting her off mid-sentence. “The Shaun that you met in the Institute and your son are not the same. He may look the same, a bit older, but the Shaun that you met, Father, is a synth. _Your_ son died nearly 30 years ago, of the complications from some disease he had. I’m… sorry you had to find out this way.”

He gave her a sympathetic look as she glanced to the floor, repeating his words over and over in her head. But every time she played them back, they made even less sense than the first time. Something warm slipped into her hand, and as she looked up, MacCready gave her a gentle squeeze.

“So, was he a baby when he died, or…?” She didn’t know how to finish the question, but she obviously didn’t need to.

“He was 32 when his heart stopped one morning. Volkert, the head physician, had told us his spinal cord had ruptured in his neck, paralyzing his heart. It should have been painless for him.” Virgil nodded and awkwardly clasped his hands together, looking like some sort of giant funeral director. “The synth that you met took over in his absence, and after a while, everyone went along with it. He turned out… different than Shaun, in many ways, but he was a strong leader and many of the other scientists felt that his projects advanced our research much further than Shaun’s ever did.”

The big, green blob in front of her wavered as she leaned, blurry-eyed, against MacCready. Her legs trembled beneath her as he placed a palm against her waist and held her upright, still holding tightly to her cold, pale hand. Nothing but a squeak came from her throat as she searched for the words to learn more, to try to understand why she had been tricked and lied to. Why her, when there were so many other people out there? Had she done something to deserve this, or was it yet another cruelty life had handed to her?

“Why do they keep making synths that look just like him?” she cried, wiping a hand over her eyes. “Didn’t they do enough to him without that?”

“You’re talking about the child synth? That, I can’t tell you. It was the synth’s doing. As for the one that claims he’s Shaun, he was originally the first prototype Gen 3 that was produced. There was minimal tweaking to his genetics, which resulted in him looking almost exactly like your son in every way. He modeled a human adult when he was produced, and once much of his programming was perfected in the early years, he became a close companion to Shaun,” he said solemnly. “When Shaun was about 18, he took over the Institute. One of his very first projects was to design Gen 3’s to age, and the experimental programming commenced on his synth. It worked, after a while, and they continued growing up through his 20’s together. It wasn’t exactly clear to those of us working under the Directorate at the time, but the rumor was that the synth began to take over Shaun’s duties after he went blind at 26. Prior to that, he had demanded that no more people be stolen from the Commonwealth, but that was reversed overnight.”

Virgil sighed, then shook his head before he continued, “Your son actually wanted to help people out in the Commonwealth, but many scientists at the time thought he was soft, that he wasn’t right for the leadership position. There was talk of a mutiny, as ironic as it was. I was only a few years younger than your son at the time he came into the Directorate, but I always looked up to him. He never succumbed to the brainwashing, that experimenting on innocent people was perfectly fine in the name of research.

“I’m sorry, I wish we could talk more, but I’m tired. Come back in a week, and I can answer more questions if you have them.”

Still at her side, MacCready pulled her back into the tunnel and tried to help her into her suit. He asked her something, but she couldn’t answer him. Her face was numb as she stared straight ahead, imagining her son struggling to survive. It didn’t matter if he had died painlessly, peacefully… She had still killed him. And she wasn’t done with him yet.

***

The thick, soundproof door behind her slid shut as she stepped inside the nearly empty bedroom. She had already ensured the other doors were shut and locked, and before she moved any further, she tapped the auto-lock on that door, too. There was a huge wall of windows in front of her, but she had her escape plan burned into her mind. She would be up the elevator and gone before anyone knew better. To her left, working diligently at his terminal, Father simply waved a hand at her and gestured for her to come over to the desk.

“Ah, Alex. I was wondering when you might return,” he said, hitting a key on the terminal to lock it. He stared ahead at the blank screen as she stood silent. “I thought we had taken time to discuss the firearm policy. Am I not mistaken?”

She cocked back the hammer on her revolver as he quietly turned around in his chair, gazing over the barrel at her with a calm expression. They stared each other down for several minutes as she dared him to come clean, to start shooting first, to do something. But he only raised his hands as he stood from his seat, and then he took a confident step towards her. He let out a dry, mocking chuckle.

“Have you really come here to kill me? Your son? Your own flesh and blood?” he asked, never breaking eye contact with her. “All because you disagree with science, with our research. I feel sorry for those like you, that can’t be open-minded enough to see what amazing advancements we have achieved here. And to think, we could offer you the best medical care you have ever received in your entire life. Are you so shackled by outdated ideals and the filth of the wasteland that you can’t even realize what you would be missing?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Alex spat, moving her finger to hover just above the trigger. “I know you’re not my son, you bastard. Now, before I blow your wires for brains out all over this wall, answer my questions.”

Father closed his eyes as he laughed again. “You seem to think that you’re in a position to bargain, but I should warn you that you’re not.”

“I said shut. The _fuck_. Up,” she growled, feeling her teeth grind together as she tensed her jaw. “For the last few minutes of your worthless existence, you _will_ answer my questions. Now, did you kill my son?”

“Alex, this is going to get you nowhere. I understand that you are emotionally distressed, but demanding answers of your ridiculous questions founded in nothing but fantasy is a waste of our time,” he said, dropping his hands to his sides. “How about I accompany you to Dr. Volkert now? He can administer something to calm you, and once you’re stable, we can speak like adults.”

The cool barrel of her revolver, Kellogg’s revolver, pressed against his forehead as he tried to step past her. Alex pulled her finger around the trigger, ready to fire at any moment if he moved again. His eyes flicked back and forth across her face, trying to detect any hint of a bluff.

“I’m going to repeat the question one time. Did you kill my son?”

“No. Shaun died of natural causes, due to paralysis of his heart and lungs. According to the official medical record at the time of the incident, it was discovered that spinal fluid had ruptured into his brain stem. The outside pressure from hydrocephalus, diagnosed at an earlier time, combined with the fragility of his brain stem to completely rupture it, severing the spinal cord from the base of his skull to the second cervical vertebra,” he answered. “We may have used your son’s DNA to further our research, but no one here would think to murder him. It did, however, put a damper on things when we realized that your shared disease was, indeed, passed on through genetics.”

A wicked smirk pulled at the corner of his lip, but his amusement was swiftly cut short as she cracked the butt of her revolver over his head. The old man collapsed to the floor, clutching at the bleeding gash.

“Oh, so you _can_ feel pain? Funny, I thought synths were supposed to be superior to humans,” she said, taunting him. “If your scientists know so much about medicine, why was my son allowed to die?”

“He was never allowed to die,” he groaned, writhing helplessly on the floor. “It wasn’t known until just before the time of his death what he was suffering from. By that time, it was too late to help him.”

Alex smacked his hand away from his face as she crouched over him. The gun still pointed directly between his eyes as she stared at him, trying to intimidate him before she asked him one last question.

“Alright, now you answer this question truthfully. Don’t you dare try to lie to me, you piece of shit.” She swallowed hard. “Did Shaun ever ask about me?”

There was a long pause as Father glared at her, and after a while, she assumed he was going to refuse to answer. Her revolver pressed against his forehead again as she steadied her wrist. Just as her finger twitched on the trigger, he opened his mouth to speak.

“Shaun… always wondered why he was the only child without parents. He envied the other children, isolated himself from them when he saw how happy they were with a mother and father to love them. His caretakers would often grow tired of his incessant questioning, and they soon passed him on to my care as soon as my programming allowed me to remain stable around him. Children are an… interesting variable,” he said, his voice hoarse. “By the time he was 14 years old, he had stopped asking about you so frequently. I suppose by that point, I had become something of a parent to him. At first, I was conflicted on taking the place of a human that seemed to carry such a vital relationship, knowing I couldn’t love him in the same way. But he never seemed to mind, and as time wore on, the questions stopped entirely. On his 25th birthday, I asked him if he still wondered about his parents, and he told me that he had accepted the loss of you both. It was clearly a difficult a decision for him, but I think his realization that he could move on was ultimately… healing for him. It put him at peace as he accepted his declining health, though I don’t think he ever truly stopped holding the love he felt for you in his heart.”

“Thank you. And, I’m sorry,” she whispered, standing over him as her finger trembled on the trigger.

Her vision blurred as she grit her teeth and nodded, knowing he was telling her the truth. Her heart ached for the son that had always loved her, the son she had lost as she stood frozen in the bottom of the vault. She only wished that she could keep this last link that remained between them, but it was for the best.

It was for the best, just like slipping down into the dark, cold tunnels of Vault 111 was for the best.

That’s what she told herself as a scream echoed up from down below. That’s what she told herself as the little boy that should have been her son, that looked like her son, but wasn’t her son came running up the stairs behind her. That’s what she told herself as she repeated his recall code before the terror in his eyes could reflect in her own. That’s what she told herself as she raised the revolver again and squeezed her eyes shut.

It was for the best.

That’s what she told herself as she pulled the trigger.

 

It was for the best.

 

 

 

 

It was _all_ for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was that a plot twist or what??????? i'd had this centerpiece of the story floating around in my head for a while after i originally created alex, and at first i was scared to change the canon, but i think it still totally fits in with the original enough that it doesnt take anything out of character or alter the universe to the point that everything needs to change to keep up. its just a new layer to the crazy plot twist and the evil of the institute, plus it added an extra element to alex's decision to stay or not. but now you've got to decide... can alex still be the hero of the commonwealth, or has she stooped to their level? hmmm~~
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted. Comments, anon or not, are always appreciated! Thank you for reading!


	20. Restless Sinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right or wrong, Alex is forced to live with the choices she's made. And that includes living with MacCready's view of the whole thing.

**-Alex-**

“He wasn’t my son, Robert!”

“Does it _matter?!_ You killed a child, in cold-blood! Alex, do you seriously not understand what you did?!”

“He wasn’t a child! He was a fucking machine! A machine that will never grow up, that will never understand that I’m supposed to be his _mother!_ ”

“He was still programmed to believe he was your son, you said so yourself!”

“How many times do I have to fucking repeat it?! He wasn’t my son, he never will be! Shaun died, 30 goddamn years ago! That thing could never replace him!”

“That thing believed he was human! That _thing_ believed he was your son! That you were his family! I don’t care that he was a fucking machine, Alex, _you murdered him!”_

“HE’S NOT MY _**FUCKING SON!"**_

Blood dripped from the places along her palms where she had dug her nails into the skin, and she stared at the growing red dots on the tile floor as she collapsed there, her entire body trembling violently. Another wracking sob ripped the air from her lungs, but there were no more tears left for her to cry. Days had been spent shedding every last one. Across the room, glaring unforgivingly at her, MacCready swiped a hand over his mouth as he paced along the carpet.

“I just… I don’t know what, how, to feel,” he muttered, letting out a breath. He shook his head as he finally tore his eyes away from her. “I feel kind of sick.”

“What was I supposed to do with him? Even if I could stand to be around him, I couldn’t possibly love him,” she said, her voice strained. “He would have lived every day seeing his mother on the other side of the glass, just close enough to reach out… but never close enough. A cold and unloving mother. That was always my worst nightmare.”

He turned to stare at her again, seething with contempt, and she hung her head in shame. With a heavy, exhausted sigh, he stepped into the kitchen beside her and flicked the faucet on. She wanted to curl up and disappear, to never show her face to him again as she felt the anger rolling off of him. It made her shiver, although her skin burned with disgrace and embarrassment. The water turned off above her and she flinched as he leaned down to dab a cool, damp rag against her palms. Once most of the blood was cleaned up, he pressed it into one of her hands as he pulled the other one into it, clasping them together in her lap.

“He was offline. I used his recall code. He never knew, never felt it,” she said, just above a whisper. Her eyes stayed glued to her hands, refusing to look at him as he studied her face.

“Do you seriously think that that matters?”

“I mean, synths don’t ever really die, do they? They just… go offline. I only made sure they wouldn’t be able to bring him back up.”

“You need to stop talking before you make things worse. Okay?” he said, helping her up from the floor.

“I’m sorry,” Alex mumbled, hunching her shoulders.

The bed sighed quietly as he sat her down at the edge of it, and she smoothed her hands over the soft, blue sheets, tracing the thin lines of diamonds with her eyes. MacCready stood in front of her as he huffed and brought his hands to his face, like he was trying to block her out of his sight. Then he groaned as he shoved his fingers up into his hair. It tangled around them in thick, curling strands and she had to resist the urge to pull him close, to pet his soft, brown hair until he was calm again. But his anger scared her, and she kept her hands to herself as she glanced down at her bare ring finger, the one that had never healed properly.

Eventually, he leaned down to bring his eyes level with hers. Alex quickly turned her face away, too afraid to see whatever disapproving look he held in his eyes, but he was surprisingly gentle as he cupped her chin and turned her back to him. A mix of emotion played out on his face; sorrow, a hint of grief, others she couldn’t possibly identify. He stared at her with a look that told her he was searching for a way to understand, and failing. His lips slowly parted, but he couldn’t seem to put into words what he wanted to know.

“I didn’t kill him because he was a child. I killed him because he was a synth. A synth that was used to trick me into thinking that my son was still alive, still a little boy,” she said, leaning into him. “If you had seen it… It was obvious, to me, that something wasn’t right about it. Its emotions were… stunted. The way it spoke, the way it acted, was wrong. It was terrifying to interact with. Even some of the scientists there thought it was creepy.”

“But he was still programmed to bel-“

“That’s just it, though! It was only _programmed_ to do things, to believe things!” she cried, throwing her hands up at her sides. “Synths don’t think for themselves, they don’t have minds like we have. They may have organic brains, but the whole thing is programmed to think and act a certain way! It’s all just a computer program! It wouldn’t ever stop believing I’m its mother, because the program it was given won’t let it stop! But a computer program can’t ever love me back like I love Shaun!”

MacCready sat beside her with a heavy sigh and slipped his hand in hers, squeezing gently. “Yeah… Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he breathed, nodding. “I’m sorry. When you first told me, I… I just didn’t think it through. But you’re right, synths are just programmed. He’s not a real kid.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t know if I made the right choice for a while, either. It did feel wrong at first, but what would have happened to him if I had left him alive? The Institute probably would have discarded him, or I could have taken him to those Railroad nuts, but god knows what they would do with him.” Her mouth twisted into a frown as she rested her head on his shoulder. “I just wish I could have had one day, one _hour_ , with Shaun. Just to tell him that I’d miss him, and I love him. But I was never there to take him to the doctor and get him treatment, and he died because of that. He died because of me.”

“That wasn’t your fault, Alex. It couldn’t possibly have been. I know you’re sad and frustrated, and it’s hard to think that it wasn’t you. I get that. No parent should have to lose their kid, but it wasn’t your fault. Don’t think that it was,” he said, pulling her close.

Her arms wrapped tightly around him as she buried her face in his chest, trying desperately to slow her breathing to match his. She swallowed hard, feeling her eyes burn again as they filled with a dried-up sadness. His fingers drew light patterns on her back as he held her, whispering soft comforts in her ear. As anguish and emptiness pulled at her throat, she squeezed her eyes shut and forced her mind to quiet.

“I love you,” she mumbled, almost too quietly to let him hear.

“I love you, too,” he answered, patting her on the back.

Cool relief flooded her chest as she sighed, so _fucking_ glad that he didn’t hate her now. That was her worst fear. Losing Shaun, and her link to him, and losing MacCready in the process. She shook her head against his chest, wondering why she still thought of him as ‘MacCready’ when she always called him by his first name now. Just a force of habit, she supposed. Funny, how that sort of stuff worked.

Alex sniffled and looked up at him, suddenly struck by a thought. “Have you heard from Duncan?”

“No, I haven’t,” he said hoarsely, gently shaking his head. “I already checked with Daisy this morning, and she said the caravan won’t be here for a few more days. Said to come back on the 10th of… God, what month is it now? April?”

“April, yeah. Can you believe it? We’ve been goofing around together for about 5 months now.” She chuckled, but he only gave a weak laugh in response. Duncan had been sick for 9 months, and the last letter he’d shown her only described a bit of help from the new doctor. The treatments the doctor could give him were only going to last so long. “You wanna get something to eat, and then look for stuff for the house? It’ll take your mind off it.”

He nodded as he stood. “Guess so. Stay here for a second, I’ll get you another washcloth for your face.”

***

The little tucked-away restaurant buzzed with the sounds of visitors and the low hum of whatever fluorescent lighting remained as they sat across from each in the back corner. A huge group of visitors, maybe a caravan, spoke loudly between themselves as they pushed a couple of the dirty, chipped tables together. The lack of junkies was surprising in the back streets of Goodneighbor, but maybe it was the fact that the gruff man behind the counter only took caps and a decent attitude in exchange for food. Alex watched as he huffed at the caravan group, irritated with the way they commandeered his dining room. He seemed pleased, though, when she held up a finger and sent him off into the kitchen to fetch another bowl.

Mac flipped his palms up on the table as he leaned in toward her, one brow raised in disbelief. “Seriously?!” he muttered, keeping his voice low.

“I told you, you can’t beat me,” she said, shrugging casually as she passed the gruff man a few caps in exchange for the food. The other two bowls were stacked together and pushed off to the side as she dipped her spoon into the fresh stew.

He just gawked at her, then ordered another for himself as he pushed his pair of empty bowls aside with the others. “You’re a girl, you can’t eat more than me.” A little sneer flashed on his face as her eyebrows popped up and she shoved another bite in her mouth.

“Or what? I’m going to embarrass you in front of all these random strangers?” she teased, waving her spoon at him. “Fine, let’s play. I’d like to see you try.”

As she smiled sweetly at him, his mouth turned down and he pulled the fresh, warm bowl of deathclaw stew closer, obviously quite set on beating her. Each bite graced her lips slowly, easily, as she stared him down, daring him to finish all that food. It wasn’t going as smoothly for him, though, and she giggled when he began to really struggle at the bottom of the bowl. She sucked her spoon clean as she waited patiently for him to finish, groaning softly around the last bite he forced into his mouth. Once he shoved the empty bowl away, a wicked grin spread on her face and she slowly raised another finger in the air.

“You have _got_ to be freakin’ kidding me,” he moaned as he tossed his head back. But just when she thought he was going to give up, he clenched his jaw and raised a hand up, too.

“Oh-ho, so you really do want to challenge me, hm?” Alex said with a tiny giggle, clearing the table in front of her. She raised her eyebrows as another pair of steaming bowls ended up in front of them. “Good luck. You’re going to need it.”

It was actually pretty surprising that he was able to keep up with her for a while longer, but she still came out as the clear winner in the end as she finally swallowed the last warm bite. The thick ceramic gave a satisfying clink as she stacked the empty bowl with all the others, counting five to his brave four. A confident smile lit her face as she folded her hands together on the table and watched him flounder over the rest of his stew. He had managed to clear about half of his fifth bowl, but that was all he could do before he groaned and slumped back in the bench with a disgusted frown. She snickered when he scooted the bowl as far away as he could move it, though he didn’t seem as amused.

Alex beamed at him, flashing her teeth as he ran a hand through his hair. “So, you ready for dessert now? I heard they’ve got a great mutfruit pie!”

The scowl on his face should have been loathsome, but her smile only grew wider in response. “Don’t you ever dare speak to me about food again,” he growled through clenched teeth. His forehead dropped into his hands as he propped his elbows against the table. “Eugh, I think my stomach is trying to kill me. Or maybe I already died. I don’t know anymore. How the _hell_ did you do it?”

“Practice!” she said, drawing it out in a little hiss. Her laughing was permeated by a tiny hiccup, and she daintily covered a hand over her mouth.

“Dammit. I’m jealous.” Mac gave a heavy sigh as he leaned back again, slowly nodding. She giggled when she thought she heard him burp, but it may have just been another quiet groan. “What the hell are you over there laughing about now?”

She shook her head, then tipped it toward the door. “Nothing. Now, c’mon, I’ll take you home. We don’t have to go looking for random house junk until tomorrow.”

“Thank god…”

“I thought you wanted to help me find stuff, so we can move out of here,” she said, eyeing him skeptically.

“Well, yeah, but not right after your googly eyes convinced me to swallow a whole boulder,” he shot back. He rolled his eyes as they stepped out into the chilly, spring night, and she slipped an arm around his waist to keep him close.

“Oh. Right. I forgot.”

“Forgot?! You forgot you just ate enough to feed a small family?”

“No, that you’re a big baby,” Alex whispered, just before sprinting down the street and up the steps into the apartment building. A massive grin stretched her cheeks and she giggled loudly as she reached the top.

He followed her, though not nearly as quickly, and scowled again when he finally caught her at the door to his room. “You’re gonna get it now, just wait.”

They both continued to tease each other as they got ready for bed, at least until she grabbed a handful of clothes and disappeared into the bathroom. Through the locked door, he warned that he would eat her candy if she didn’t come out, but she just rolled her eyes at the mirror. Yeah, right. She took her time changing into one of his sleeveless shirts and her silky pajama shorts. The shirt was a bit too small, but she just tugged it down and moved on. After brushing her teeth, she fixed her messy, lopsided bun back to the top of her head. It wasn’t much neater, but it was cute enough with her golden cat pin sticking out of it.

As she stepped out of the bathroom, her jaw dropped and she stared at the bed. There, in the middle of the sheets, Mac lay sprawled on his back with one of her candy bars in his hand. He took another slow bite as she crawled up beside him and glared down at his sleepy face. “Excuse me, but what do you think you’re doing?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

“I warned you, didn’t I?” He stuck his tongue out, then held the bar toward her lips. “Want some?”

She took a bite and snorted as he took the rest back. “I thought you were just _sooooo_ full?”

“I really like these. I couldn’t resist,” he murmured, smirking. A little moan slipped out around another bite, and soon he was balling up the empty wrapper to toss it onto the nightstand. It was cute. Really cute. His lips brushed against her chin as she giggled and slipped a hand under the hem of his shirt, stroking her fingers along his belly. “That feels good…”

After a few minutes spent giving him a tender massage, Alex felt a lovely tingling between her thighs and her skin began to burn red-hot. The hungry images of him beneath her legs were shoved from her mind at first, although they were soon too pressing to ignore. Well, he was looking pretty full and sleepy, but… She bit her lip as her hand slid beneath the waistband of his pajama pants and gently caressed him in her palm. A smirk twisted his lips at first, clearly enjoying it. Her thumb teased the head of his cock and she soon felt it beginning to warm to her touch. He wasn’t stopping her yet, so…

He gave a shaky breath as her fingers rubbed the length of his growing shaft. “That feels even better,” he moaned, breathing a little heavier with each passing second.

Their clothes quickly landed in a heap on the floor as she straddled his hips, feeling his hands rub up the backs of her thighs and over her ass. One hand still brushed playfully along the underside of his thick, hard cock as she dipped a finger between her folds, calming the muscles in her hips with just the right touches. It always seemed to be a struggle to make her body relax, but the more often Mac treated her gently, the easier it was becoming to dive into the act. He was patient as she got herself ready, though his hips were not. The tip of his cock bumped against the inside of her thigh as his hips rolled into her and she caught herself giggling as she sucked the wet from her finger.

“Aw, I wanted that,” he whined in that husky, low voice that drove her over the edge. He leaned back into the mountain of pillows behind his back, smirking seductively.

“Trust me, there’s plenty more,” she answered, spreading wide. She leaned down into his chest as his fingers slipped inside, teasing her with a gentle friction as their lips joined together. A deep growl made her nip hard on his bottom lip, and he moaned as he rubbed against her hips again. He was getting desperate and she knew it.

Alex wrapped a hand around his throbbing, burning cock as she rolled her hips into his, carefully positioning herself to take his length. With his fingers out of the way, she felt such an intense, hungry aching between her thighs that she couldn’t wait any longer to lower herself onto him. She gave a breathy moan as he easily slipped all the way inside, prickling her nerves with thousands of tiny fireworks. His fingertips burned along her lower back as he held her steady, and then she began to slowly bounce her hips, sliding up and down the length of his cock. It rubbed her in all the right spots and she struggled not to scream as she moaned in his ear. She would _definitely_ remember this position for the future.

Sliding his fingers down her back, he squeezed the backs of her thighs in his hands, begging her to go a little faster, a little harder. She did just that, then dropped her forehead to rest on his. Their heavy, panting breaths melded together as their lips brushed, barely able to hold a kiss. Soon, he was crying out, pleading with her not to stop as he clenched his teeth. Warmth flooded her hips as he came with a shuddering gasp, and she shut her eyes tight as her muscles twitched and clenched in pleasure.

“What was all that about?” he said, just starting to catch his breath as he pushed the pillows away and lay there on his back.

She curled up beside him, hugging his arm to her chest. “Nothing, I jus-“

“Nothing?” Mac turned his head to stare hard at her, but then rolled his eyes as a smirk lit his face. “Sure. Nothing.”

“Make-up sex.”

“It’s not, but whatever.”

They both turned their heads to gaze at the other, eyes meeting as they lay still and silent. She wondered how much he knew, though she supposed it didn’t really matter. It was done, and here he was, still lying beside her on the warm bed.

Before she could say anything else, he rolled over her and brought his lips to hers. It was so warm and sweet, and she reached out to pull him closer, but he broke away and tucked a bit of hair back into her bun. He was always fascinated with her bun, somehow. All the decorative bobby pins she used in it, the way some tendrils of hair hung off and floated around her, how it puffed out around her head and made her look like an old-fashioned nanny… Or maybe, he was less interested in the bun, and more interested in the fine, dark brown curls that reached below her shoulders. His lips cracked into a smile as he caught her staring up at him, and she gave him a tiny smile back. Then he shifted to pepper her chest in kisses, drifting lower and lower until his fingers replaced his lips in roaming over her stomach.

“Are these all from surgeries?” he whispered, smoothing his fingertips along one big scar. When she only nodded, he glanced down and tapped at an old one that curved around the top of her belly. “What’s this one from?”

“I used to have a little robot that controlled my stomach. It was paralyzed, for a while,” she answered softly, casually. It didn’t really bother her to talk about her surgeries or scars, but she didn’t usually mention it until it was brought up by someone else. “I don’t have it in anymore, not since it was replaced with something a little different.”

Mac’s eyebrows shot up as his finger traced the scar. “What did you get instead? Where’s it at?”

“Well, my spine actually severed a little more than a year ago, right after I had- Oh, wait… You get what I mean, right?” She laughed, still unable to wrap her head around the war sometimes. “Anyway, I was completely paralyzed from the chest down. I found a doctor who could replace the torn parts of my spinal cord with a robotic one, so I agreed and they gave me this cool neural network thing. That’s the scar that runs down my back.”

Alex smiled as she rolled over onto her belly, revealing a long, wide scar that stretched from the top of her pale shoulders down to her waist. It was a neat and perfect line straight down the center of her back, still fading in most spots, and it sliced through a beautifully drawn tattoo of a spine that looked like a page out of an ancient medical handbook. Notations described the type of hardware that held her failing spine together, everything from steel rods and screws to synthetic discs between her bones. A few other scars marked important spots down her back, and he slowly traced a finger along each one as he sighed.

“Did it hurt?” he asked after a moment, smoothing a hand over the largest scar.

“A little bit. It mostly just took a while to get used to it. It took about a month to program it correctly, and it’s still not perfect. But it works, and I can walk again, so it’s better than nothing.” The smile on her cheeks crinkled the corners of her eyes as she sat up and stretched with a quiet moan. Then she sighed and carefully pulled herself into his lap, holding tightly around his neck. “I’m used to pain, sweet pea. It’s an everyday thing for me, same as breathing.”

His breath puffed over her cheek as he leaned in to kiss her and squeezed his hands around her thigh. “I’m sorry. I know you’re used to it, but I still wish I could take it away from you,” he murmured, holding her close.

“It’s okay. It’s taught me a lot.”

Warm hands caressed her body as they slid between the sheets, shivering together in the coolness of the room. Mac flicked the nightstand lamp off as they lay there and admired the way the orange street lights filtered in through the dusty window and spread across the bed. One hand slipped up the back of her thigh to her hip, then slowly followed the bottom curve of her belly. A tiny breath caught in her throat as his fingertips tickled her skin. He gave her belly button a gentle pinch, chuckling through a light-hearted, playful grin. Her cheeks instantly pulled into a smile as she patted his hand.

“Have you ever been with a girl like me?” Alex asked, meeting his eyes.

“An older woman? No, not really,” he answered with a shrug.

A disbelieving scowl replaced her smile. “I’m not ‘older!’”

“Uh, I definitely think being 200-some-years old qualifies you for cougar status,” he teased, unable to contain his snickering when he saw her face.

“Oh my god… That’s not what I meant and you know it.” She rolled her eyes as he continued to laugh, even as she poked him in the stomach. “Seriously, I wanna know!”

After he finally calmed down, Mac smiled affectionately and shook his head. “No… but you’re sweet and soft, and I like sweet and soft things. Plus, you always have snacks and you cook really well, which is a nice bonus. I don’t think I’ll go back now.”

“You do like my cooking?”

“Ye-ah, everything you make is amazing! Like the best food I’ve ever had.”

Alex leaned in for a little kiss, bumping the tips of their noses together. “I didn’t know you liked it _that_ much. I used to be terrible at cooking. I’m talking really, really, really bad. But Nate had me cook 3 meals a day, and he taught me some stuff, so I guess I got a lot of practice. I’m glad you like it, though,” she said, smiling wide.

“3 meals a day, huh? Well, if you wanna… do that again, I won’t complain,” he murmured, wagging an eyebrow.

Her eyelids began to flutter as she nodded, still grinning at his adorable, handsome face. For him, she would do anything. Literally, _anything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3 they're so cute........... and mac is finding out more about her than he ever thought he would!
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted. Thank you for reading! Comments are always appreciated, anon or not!


	21. Speaking in Tongues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pair of letters come in for MacCready, bearing the worst of news. The two take off for Med-Tek to find the cure, but the stress starts to eat away at him too badly for Alex to help.

**-Alex-**

Dogmeat yapped happily as they shuffled through the door, arms and packs full of all sorts of things. Stacks of glasses, bowls, and plates, a couple books, two board games, a new set of sheets and a pair of pillows, boxes of lightbulbs… Everything was laid out, organized, and then popped into empty cardboard boxes on the floor. The little house outside Diamond City was really coming together in the corner of Mac’s apartment. All they needed was to borrow a cart and drag it out of the city. Well, once they had collected enough parts to repair the appliances and such. The sinks and shower still worked after they hooked up a new water tank, but the fridge and all the other things in the house, besides the lights, were busted. Some paint would be a nice touch, too.

The kitchen chair squeaked over the tiles as Alex plopped down in it, tired from all the work of dragging those things home. Moving was never easy and she knew it was probably going to be a whole new challenge in the wasteland. At least they had Dogmeat to provide a fuzzy head to pet. He smiled up at her as she scratched behind his ears.

“Rob, what is this?” she asked, suddenly noticing a square of yellow, handmade paper on the table. On the opposite side, it read “To Dad, From D. and Wilson.”

“Huh?” He glanced over from the window, but the smile fell from his face as he saw what she was holding up. “Oh… I got that this morning, before you woke up.”

“You haven’t opened it.”

Mac swallowed and nodded slowly, still not moving from his spot. “Daisy said it was bad. I’ve been too scared to look at it.”

“Want me to…?”

Once he nodded again, she carefully broke the seal and folded the letter open. Several pages slipped out and her eyes scanned the drawings his son had made. A grey-colored cat, a penciled scrawl of a baby brahmin with its mother, a group of traders. She smiled tenderly as she set them aside and looked at the notes in her hands.

> RJ,
> 
> I’m sorry there’s no letter from Duncan this time. Doc M. has him sleeping around the clock now to keep him strong enough to continue fighting this shit. He’s still getting the treatments twice a day, but yesterday they just stopped working as well as they have been. No explanation for it at all. We had some medical equipment brought in from Rivet, stuff to keep him breathing and to monitor his heart. ~~Doc said that he~~ Well, I’ll let you read her letter. Probably explains it better than I could.
> 
> I know you’re trying your best out there, man. I don’t doubt that at all, but you’ve got to get back here. Now. Forget about finding the cure. At this point, it may not even help. Just come home, so Duncan can see you again. Please.
> 
> Wilson

The page flipped over and she fought back tears as she glanced at the last note. Shifting unsteadily, Mac studied her reaction carefully, judging it. He bit his lip when she refused to meet his eyes.

> Mr. MacCready,
> 
> It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that your son’s condition is not improving with this treatment regimen. I assure you that I have tried everything to my knowledge to bring him back to health. However, at this point in time, his body is exhausted from the pain and he is reliant on a ventilator to continue breathing. His heart is weakening every day and his muscles have deteriorated to the point that he is not even able to raise his head. This disease simply refuses to respond to any further treatment I can provide, and I fear that any experimental cure you should find would not be helpful at this stage.
> 
> I extend my deepest sympathy when I say that he does not have more than a few weeks remaining. I will make every effort to keep him alive as long as possible, but you must hurry. There is only so much I can continue to do for him.
> 
> Regretfully,
> 
> Dr. Evelyn Marrian

Her vision blurred as she stepped over and held the folded letters out in a numb, cold hand. His fingers brushed against hers as he took the pages and she watched closely, holding her breath, as his eyes scanned the words over and over again. A hand reached up to cover his mouth and he took a deep breath as he read the doctor’s letter one more time. Ice crept through her veins when he raised his head to stare into her face, searching for a different answer, any answer. Everything around them seemed to fall away into darkness, slowly becoming non-existent.

“I’m so sorry, baby. We can go, pack right now, leave first thing in the morning with a caravan!” she murmured, squeezing his arm. “This letter is dated only about three weeks ago. He’ll still be there, I know it.”

But Mac frantically shook his head as he let his hands fall to his sides. “We have to see if the cure is still there. We have to at least try,” he said, choking back tears.

“There’s no time to keep looking for something else. I wish there was, but we have to go if we wan-“

“No! No, I know where it is. It’s… Dammit, I feel terrible for having to ask you to help me again, but I can’t go alone. I’ve already tried.” He grit his teeth as he glanced up at her. “I don’t even know if the two of us can make it through, but we’ve got to try. For Duncan.”

Alex swiped fat tears away as they rolled down his cheeks, turning it over in her head. Even if they traveled out to wherever he thought it was supposed to be, there was no guarantee a cure would be there. Not to mention what the letter said. She shook her head, unsure of what they should do.

“Alex, please, just trust me!” he cried, taking her by the shoulders. “We can leave right now and be at Med-Tek in two days. It’s there, I swear! It has to be!”

“Why haven’t you told me about this before? If you knew this… And you’ve been there once before to look for it?” she questioned, growing a bit irritated. “I told you I wanted to help and you said you didn’t know where to go. Why would you lie to refuse my help when your son is dying?”

His face screwed up as he ran his hands through his hair, unable to meet her eyes now. “I’m sorry… Look, you can be mad at me later, but right now I _do_ need your help! Please! I’ll make it up to you however you want, but Duncan is going to die because I fucked up! I th-thought I had more time, I thought I could ign-ignore it and everything would be fine… That everything would go back to the way it was.”

To forget about a problem and hope everything would be alright in the end… She knew that feeling well. All the frustration and panic bubbling to the surface in his face told her that he wasn’t lying, either. He’d fucked up, running from Duncan for months even when he loved his son dearly, and now the fantasy that his son would be fine was crashing down around him. She smoothed a thumb over his pale cheek, nodding confidently.

“Of course, I’ll help. And please don’t feel bad for asking, alright? That’s what I’m here for,” she said, smiling kindly at him. “Sit down for a minute and breath. I’ll get our stuff together and we can go.”

Mac sniffed as he rubbed his eye, his sobbing beginning to calm as she embraced him and pat his back. “Thank you. I’m really gonna owe you one.”

***

A hissing gurgle echoed through the empty lab as the last feral went down, bleeding from its eye socket. A few other half-rotten, bloody bodies lay scattered around the floor, but they both stepped over them without a second thought as they began hunting through drawers and filing cabinets. Only random papers and chemicals and lab tools were found in the dozens upon dozens of spots that they looked. Alex grew frustrated and kicked away a glass beaker as she stopped near the next doorway, and he soon joined her with a deep frown on his face.

“It’s gotta be in here, I know it! Sinclair said there’s a ton of labs down here, though. We… should…“

“What?” she said, following his line of sight to something on the lightbox hanging up behind her. At first, she shrugged, thinking it was just an old x-ray of a spine that had caught his attention. Then she did a double-take, both at the patient’s name and what the image actually _showed_. “Oh shit…”

“What did they do to you?” he breathed, stepping closer to get a better look. “Med-Tek didn’t give you that network thing, did they?”

They both stared at the image in silence for a while, until she nodded with a tiny sigh. “Yeah, they did. It was experimental at the time… I was the first person to get one. They wanted someone newly paralyzed, said it would make it easier to re-teach me how to walk and stuff. I didn’t know they were doing all these other experiments on people. The doctors and techs always treated me well.”

Pieces of metal and glass crunched under their boots as they continued walking, with Dogmeat trotting along behind them. There was no telling if there were more ferals roaming the halls, and they didn’t want to stand around to find out. Mac poked his head around the corner to check the hallway, then bit his lip as they moved toward the next couple research labs. If the cure wasn’t in the first lab, it would definitely be somewhere down these halls. It was just a matter of finding it.

“How were you paralyzed in the first place? I mean, I know you had the hole, but what made it tear?” he asked curiously, keeping his voice low and his rifle raised.

They stopped outside a dirty, broken window that looked into the next lab, where two withered bodies lay sleeping. Her voice was hard and quiet, but the words flowed as if it were no big deal. “Someone rear-ended me on the highway. It shoved my car into the wall and all of a sudden, I couldn’t feel my legs. An old lady drove to the nearest shop and called the police for me, and the ambulance took me straight to the hospital. There wasn’t anything they could do, though.

“I was in the hospital for about a week before someone from Med-Tek showed up one day. He said they were looking for someone like me, with what’s called a complete spinal cord injury. Said they would have doctors for me to see and all my prescriptions would be paid for if I agreed. I was so upset about everything that I just… agreed. I didn’t even think about it. They brought me here a few days later and then my surgeon took me to the operating room the next morning. It took three whole months to learn how to work with it. I definitely don’t regret it.”

Before he could respond, she raised her rifle and aimed at the nearest feral through a hole in the glass. The side of its head burst with a rush of blood and mushy brain. The second one stirred at the sound, clawing its way up from the floor as Alex steadied her gun again. Another shot rang out and buried deep in the things forehead, sending it flailing backwards into a row of cabinets. Dozens of beakers were dragged to the ground as it collapsed in a whirl of breaking glass. An image of Nate shattering the kitchen window made her flinch. She shook her head, whisking the memory away.

Mac slowly nodded as he slid the door open. “Damn. That’s… I don’t know how you do it.”

“I don’t know either, sometimes,” she said with a shrug. It was the truth, too.

With Dogmeat at their side, they scoured each drawer, filing cabinet, and terminal they could find, but absolutely nothing turned up at each lab they came across. As the number of untouched rooms dwindled, he clenched his jaw and let out a throaty growl. It was obvious to her that the frustration and stress was getting to him, but she was scared to reach out to him. He threw a hand out and hurled a stack of folders to the floor, his trembling just barely noticeable as he turned his back to her and pulled at his hair.

“Where the **FUCK** IS IT?!” he barked, gnashing his teeth as he spun around to face her. The glare he gave cut right through her and she shrunk away as he stomped past her. “It was supposed to be here!”

“Calm down, Rob, we’ll find it,” Alex said, her voice frail and unconfident.

“But WHERE?! It was supposed to be here and there’s not SHIT down here!”

“There are other rooms-“

Thousands of glass shards exploded in all directions as he slammed a huge surgical lamp to the floor. She jumped midsentence and cowered behind the desk with Dogmeat, shivering weakly as the deafening noise echoed against the metal paneling. A little squeal came from her throat when his eyes snapped to her face and she scrambled to get away from him as he swept closer to her, cornering her. Out of pure instinct, her hand wrapped around the butt of her revolver. His lip curled as he froze, staring at her hip.

Both hands scrubbed over his face as he exhaled loudly and took a wobbly step back. “Dammit, Alex, just HELP ME! I’m not going to hurt you, alright?!”

In the next room over, through the cracked window, another feral had woken up to the sounds of his fit and Dogmeat gave a loud warning bark. It hissed at them, it’s ugly, rotting skin glowing a sickly green. Mac didn’t waste any time in lifting his rifle, spitting curses at it as the thing pushed through the glass and tumbled into the room. Two bullets sunk into its face, one to the side of its nose and the other just above an eye. Glowing blood spurted from the wounds, coating the top of the desk. But that didn’t stop it, and he grit his teeth as he took off, sprinting away from her. The feral lunged for him, clawing and biting at the air. Another shot at close range blew part of its skull off. It reached again, this time grabbing him by the belt. It pulled itself into him as he tried to smash its head in with the butt of his rifle, and Dogmeat clamped down and tugged back on its foot.

“Could use some help here!” he shouted, his voice cracking through his panic.

The revolver slipped out of her belt as she sucked in a breath, shocking herself back into the present. One eye stared down the barrel at the glowing ghoul and she begged herself to hit it straight. If she missed, she risked nicking Mac right in the chest. It may not have been fatal if she grazed him from the side, but a bite from that feral would be. She swallowed hard as he pulled his rifle back again, giving her a clear shot.

Two rounds fired across the room, blowing the back of its head to pieces. A painful moan pierced her ears as it fell to the side, clutching helplessly at its exposed brain. He smashed the side of its skull once more, finally crushing the irradiated life out of the disgusting thing. Thick, green blood oozed down the front of his coat as he turned back to her, gasping for air.

“Oh god, are you okay?” she breathed, horrified, as she rushed to his side. He seemed shaken, but there were no bites or scratches on him that she could see during her quick inspection. “Shit, I’m so sorry! I was scared and I froze…”

“Well, it didn’t kill me this time, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.” He jerked away from her as she reached out to take his arm, his lips tightly pursed. “Let’s just keep looking. The room this one came from is probably clear now.”

Alex hung her head as she followed him across the hallway, right into a lab that was far larger than any of the others they had searched. Dozens of cabinets and desks lined the walls, and several rows of shelves held stacks of boxes and bottles of supplies. A couple surgical lights hung around, rust chipping away at the paint that was left on them. Three huge vents hung low over an island of counters in the middle of the room. It even had its own nuclear reactor, humming quietly on the opposite end of the room. Stopping just inside the doorway, Mac shoved a hand through his hair as he stared around at the hundreds, maybe even thousands of places the cure could be. If that thing wasn’t in here, then they were going to be out of luck.

Despite the burning frustration that still rolled off of him, she reached out to put a hand on his shoulder before he could move any further. The sudden touch made him flinch away at first and he half-turned to glare at her. Her hand fell limply to her side as she took a step back.

“Why don’t you take a break for a second to calm down? I’ll start looking,” she offered, gesturing toward the nearest cabinet.

“I’m _fine_ , Alex. I don’t need a break,” he said, shaking his head. His tone was still hard, but at least he wasn’t shouting anymore. “Just start looking ove-“

“I know you’re stressed, but you need a break. Take one.” She was more forceful this time as she spoke over him and pointed to a stool.

“NO, Alex, I just fuc-“ His jaw clenched as he growled again, then took a deep breath. He met her eyes briefly before he glanced to the floor with a nod. “Fine… Fine. Let me know if you find something.”

He side-stepped to kick a box across the room as he stomped over to the stool, grumbling under his breath. Well, at least he wasn’t glaring at her anymore. She sighed as she started poking through drawers and cabinets, scanning for anything that looked remotely like what they wanted. Only papers and empty glassware greeted her at every turn. After having no luck along one wall, she turned to look at the island in the center of the lab. Two human skeletons lay along the top, surrounded by surgical tools. It wasn’t the most pleasant sight, but she just shrugged and began searching in the cabinets below. She’d seen worse.

After a few minutes, she heard him slip off the stool and he joined her again, though she could tell he wasn’t any less angry by the way he shoved drawers open and shut. Alex just avoided looking over at him as she moved from one spot to the next.

“God-DAMMIT! Where the hell is it?!”

She flinched again as she heard a metal cabinet slam at the other end of the island. Mac turned to walk up her side of the lab a moment later and she scrambled to get to her feet before he could reach her. As she pulled herself up against the edge of the counter, something red caught her eye and she gingerly picked it up to examine it. It almost looked like some sort of weird syringe…

“Rob…”

“It’s not _fucking_ here. That piece of shit lied to me. I should have known.”

“Rob!”

“This is all my fucking fault, as usual…”

_“Robert!”_

He finally snapped his head to the side, glowering at her. “WHAT?!”

“Is this what we’re looking for?” she asked calmly, holding it out.

Mac squinted at it for a split second before all the anger and stress melted from his face and his eyes grew huge. He rushed up to her with a hand outstretched, grabbing at the injector before he was even close enough. It was cradled gently in his palms as he stared down at it in complete disbelief, and then he checked to make sure enough of the cure was left inside. The syringe was, thankfully, still full.

“We did it. We did it, Alex! We just gave Duncan a fighting chance to live!” he cried, throwing his arms around her. He laughed, rocking her back and forth. “We need to hurry and get this to Daisy. With her caravan contacts, she’s the only one I trust to get it there safely, and fast.”

“Why take it to Daisy?” She broke away from him, shaking her head. “It’d be better if we just took it ourselves. Pack up in Goodneighbor, then head out first thing.”

“Well… You really wouldn’t mind? It’s not a short trip. It’ll take about a month with a caravan, maybe a little longer.” His head tilted to the side as his smiled slipped a bit. “I mean, I’m not saying that I don’t want to see Duncan. I do. I would be a little worried about you, though.”

Alex smiled, patting his hand reassuringly. “Of course, I want to go!”

He nodded and bit his lip, glancing down to the floor. “I really appreciate it. To be honest with you, I was afraid of going alone. Afraid of what might happen. This cure should work, but if it doesn’t, then… I guess Duncan wouldn’t make it, after all,” he said quietly, his eyes sad.

“It’s a lot to worry about, I know. I want to be there for you, and I want to meet Duncan, too, if you’ll let me,” she said. Dogmeat yawned somewhere behind her, and she suddenly remembered they were still standing beside two old skeletons. One of them was missing a huge chunk of its skull, and it didn't exactly look surgical. “Um, can we keep talking about this later? This place is kinda creepy now.”

“Yeah, it’s creepin’ me out, too. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

***

It was past midnight by the time they reached Goodneighbor, but Alex toddled along beside him with her new night vision goggles strapped tightly to her head. They weren’t perfect, and she still had to hold his hand as they walked the streets, extra cautious in the dark. Mac chuckled at the way she snapped her head around, trying to see as much as possible through the tiny holes in the goggles. A sneer touched her lip as they wandered in through the gates.

“Don’t laugh at me, that’s mean,” she scolded. He just laughed again as he stepped in front of her and unclipped the goggles. “Oh, um… You know Daisy’s is closed now, right?”

“Yes, dear, I know her _store_ is closed. C’mon, she’s still awake,” he said with a little smile. She followed him as he waved her forward, right up to the shutter doors of the little trade stand. “Daisy! It’s me!”

At first, there was nothing. Then a heavy sigh floated down to them from the second floor and creaking footsteps walked to the back of the apartment and down the stairs. The metal shutters rattled up to the ceiling to reveal Daisy rolling her black eyes at him. He beamed back at her, practically bouncing with excitement.

“Robert, just _what_ is this about? It’s nearly 1 in the morning, hon,” Daisy asked, her gravelly voice a bit huskier than usual. She crossed her arms and tilted her head, throwing him a look of disapproval.

“I got it! I got the cure for Duncan’s disease!” The smile on his face was so huge, she was afraid it was going to break his cheeks. Daisy’s face instantly turned up to match his smile, too. “But… Look, I know Gerald is already gone, but it’s really important that we leave first thing. You were right about that last letter, Daisy. He’s getting worse again and the doc can’t do anything about it. Any caravan that’s heading out in the morning… We’ll pay caps, I’ll work as a free hand, anything! Alex and I _have_ to get to D.C. with this ourselves.”

Daisy’s grin relaxed and she sighed. “I’ve got three caravans going out in the morning, all heading that way. Two of them are going straight to D.C., both boat crews, unfortunately. Last one is a big crew that’s going around to avoid the tolls. The driver owes me a few favors, so she’d be fine having you on.”

“Thanks, you’re a doll,” he said, sounding relieved. “We’ll be back here in a few hours to meet up with the big caravan. If we’re not here yet, don’t let them leave.”

As she and Mac turned to go, Daisy reached out and grasped her by the wrist. It startled her, and she glanced back toward the alley, thinking she should call out to stop him. But she didn’t, and she watched as Mac slipped down the alley without her, Dogmeat at his side. He hadn’t even realized she was lagging behind. Daisy gave her a hard, motherly smile as her panic began to mount.

“Do me a favor. Take care of MacCready for me. He’s one of the good ones, even if he is a little rough around the edges,” Daisy cautioned, still holding her wrist. Then she pulled Alex in close with a curl of her lip. “I like you, you’re a sweet girl. But that boy… He’s like a son to me. If you dare hurt him, I _will_ break you. You understand me?”

“Ye-yeah, I understand. I’ll do my best, I promise,” she sputtered. Daisy quickly dropped her wrist and stepped back, the warm smile returning to her face as if nothing had ever happened.

The metal shutters slammed to the ground as she raced around the corner, searching desperately for Mac. Of course, she knew right where the apartment was, but it was dark and she was alone. Some weirdo in a mask inched closer as she peered over the drunken, drugged-up crowd, looking for his green hat. The weirdo’s hand reached out, nearly grabbing her by the belt, before the combat knife flashed from her hip and came dangerously close to his forearm. When he backed away, adrenaline sent her flying through the crowd.

Alex was gasping for breath by the time she reached the steps up to the apartment building. It was a lot less crowded there, and she leaned against the railing as he casually walked down to meet her. He chuckled, patting her on the back.

“Where’d you go? Did you get lost?” he asked, hooking an arm around her waist. He squeezed a bit as he helped her up the steps, still chuckling softly.

“Uh, Daisy was just… giving me some advice. For the caravan.” It was the best lie she could think up with such a tired brain. She shrugged weakly, hoping he didn’t ask anymore.

Mac nodded, though he didn’t seem convinced. “Al-right… Well, let’s get you to bed. We’ve got to get up pretty early to meet the driver.”

They slowly walked the halls down to his room, dead tired from the long journey back from Med-Tek. Neither of them had gotten much sleep on the road, and now they were going to have another, longer journey in front of them. At least they had a chance to finally, _finally_ help his son. That put plenty of motivation in her to keep moving, after she’d had a few hours to nap. Both of them collapsed in the bed in just their underwear, too exhausted to change into pajamas.

“Wait, why are we taking the big caravan? I thought Daisy said there was one with a boat,” she asked sleepily, feeling confused. A quick, easy boat trip made much more sense to her, especially considering how little time they had to get the cure across the wasteland. He barely stirred as he buried his face in the pillow, but she knew he had heard when he made a little noise in his throat.

“Don’t like boats. Prefer to keep my feet on dry land,” he mumbled into the feathers.

Alex rolled her eyes. “Seriously? It would be way faster, like only a few days!”

He raised his head, giving her a slightly annoyed look as he sighed. “Between you and me, I hate being on the water. Makes me seasick.”

“Oh. Well, we don’t want that.” She reached out to rub his back and gave it a gentle pat. “I guess the big caravan it is, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mac is trying, but he just can't shake his temper when the going gets /really/ rough. alex is terrified and unfortunately this is only the beginning. just as a heads up, i may or may not be adding additional tags over the coming chapters. if you're trying to avoid a particular topic, please be on the lookout. 
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted! Thank you so much for reading and all the comments so far, I read and appreciate every one of them!


	22. Bombs and Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey from the Commonwealth to the Capital Wasteland is long and tiring, but Alex and MacCready eventually make it the hundreds of miles to his home. Unfortunately, being back doesn't ease much of his stress.

**-Alex-**

Nothing but dry, grey-brown dirt and sparse plants stretched to the far-off mountains that rose up at the edges of the horizon. A tiny pond of water was hard to come by, and all the brahmin were driven toward it despite its ugly hue and the dozens of tadpoles that swam in it. A cloud of dust kicked up around the pond as the caravan hands rushed about, steering the brahmin in the right direction. Some mole rats burst through the cracked dirt, though they were quickly trampled underfoot or shot down before any of them got a chance to bite. Alex jumped down from the back of the cart as it rattled to a stop, then wandered over to where Mac was chatting with the other traders.

“Naw, see, if you go all the way ‘round D.C., they don’t charge you no tolls. More dangerous that way, y’know, but, but then we… then we… Aw, shoot. Carrie, what did you say we get when we don’t pay no tolls?”

“We maximize our profit, you dumbass,” Carrie spat, in that gristly voice belonging to someone who smokes multiple packs a day. In fact, she was smoking a cigarette as Alex rounded the corner. She sighed and waved a hand at Max. “Ya’d think he knew something about profit, runnin’ a caravan, but ah well… We do take some loss, missin’ out on D.C. trades and all, but the damn tolls take half the profit most of the time.”

“And Carrie don’t like missn’ the gossip at Moriarty’s neither,” Max giggled, keeping his voice low.

Mac chuckled around his cigarette and draped an arm over Alex’s shoulder as the two traders bickered with each other. She’d met the pair before, back when they were hunting for Kellogg. Max had tipped them off to his hideout at Fort Hagen, and while she thought the guy was just paranoid, his story happened to be true. They went at it for a while, almost like an old married couple that had fallen out of love, before Carrie huffed and shoved him out of her face. She tossed the cigarette butt to the ground, stomping it out under her shoe as she was already lighting up another.

“So, no, we can’t go straight to the farm if it ain’t along the route. Ya said it’s south of D.C.?” she asked, addressing Mac. Her face still held a disgusted sneer.

“Yeah, about 25 or 30 miles southwest of downtown. It would take about 6 hours for us to walk there, if you can drop us close to Megaton.”

“No can do, hon. Not unless you wanna pay our toll. 350 caps to get in to Megaton.”

“Split it? Once we reach town, you’ll raise a profit there _and_ in Big Town. Same toll.” He was smooth in his negotiation, though he didn’t flirt with her like he usually would. “And if that’s not enough, you’ll be closer to your next stop than if you went around to avoid paying. It’s not a bad move, if you asked me.”

Carrie looked him up and down, chewing her lip as she thought it over. That ugly sneer didn’t leave her face and her lip actually curled more when she blew smoke from her nose. “Pay 250 caps of it, and you got yerself a deal.”

“ _No!_ Split it 50/50, 175 each,” he shot back, crossing his arms over his chest. He took a deep drag from his cigarette as he stared her down.

“225! Take it or leave it, hotshot!”

He grit his teeth as he considered it, but he quickly shook his head. “200 caps, and you put us up for the night if we get there late.”

“Hell no!” she shouted, throwing her hands up. Smoke blew in his face and he frowned. “Put yer damn selves up!”

“Oh, come on, Carrie, I know Moira only charges 5 caps per bed for your crew! Moriarty’s runnin’ a freakin’ scam over there. You can’t seriously expect me to pay 225 for the toll _and_ 50 caps for a room.” Mac rolled his eyes at her and dropped the last little bit of his cigarette to the ground. “I’ll give you 200 caps right now for the toll, and if we get there late in the day, I’ll give you 5 more for the bed. You just have to promise to put us up with Moira, alright?”

Her wrinkled lip twitched, and then she bared her teeth in some sort of awkward frown. “M’Cready, if I didn’t like you so much and owed Daisy a favor, I woulda thrown both yer asses to the yao guai already. Gimme the caps, and then take yer girlfriend and fuck off to the back of the run. And while you’re at it, take that dipshit Max with ya, too.”

Mac handed over the caps, rolled up tightly in some old rubber bands and plastic wrap, and then rolled his eyes again as he turned his back to her. Dust kicked up under their boots as they sauntered around to the last cart, Alex’s arm slipped in his. A crushed pack of cigarettes was dug out of his pocket as he lifted himself up to sit on the end of the cart, and he offered her one first after he slipped the lighter out of the box. She put it between her lips and jumped up to sit beside him. The lighter clicked in his hand a few times, nearly out of fluid again, as he lit her cigarette.

“See why I quit the caravans?” he laughed, showing his teeth. There was a tiny, new chip on his front tooth that she had noticed a few mornings back, though he refused to tell her what it was from. She could guess, though.

Alex slid a hand down his thigh, giving it a nice pat. “Are you excited?” she asked, smiling around her cigarette.

He nodded, returning her grin. “Yeah. A little worried, mostly excited.”

“I’ll be here the whole time, no matter what happens.” She took his hand in hers and gently squeezed it, then leaned in to peck his cheek. “I love you. I’ll always be here. ‘Kay?”

“’Kay… Thank you.”

***

The sounds of a friendly, bustling town surrounded them as they rode through the towering metal gate of Megaton. Alex waved back at the cute protectron standing there, cheerfully welcoming everyone inside with a country drawl. Sitting next to her on the back of the cart, with their legs dangling over the edge, Mac shook his head and gave her an amused smirk. His grip tightened around her hip as the cart swayed unsteadily, clamping his jaw shut as they bumped over the uneven ground just inside the gates. A young man in a sheriff’s outfit waved to the crew as they drove the brahmin toward a small yard and hitched them there, one by one. Once their cart came to a shuddering stop, he immediately hopped off and steadied himself against it.

“Finally,” he muttered under his breath, spitting at the ground. “I fuc- freakin’ hate riding on these damn things.”

She silently reached a hand out to rub his back, and then she offered him a tiny smile as he straightened up. The caravan hands were filtering out of the yard now that all the brahmin were hitched and the carts secured for the night, and they joined the crowd as it wandered down into the main part of town. Some of them headed straight for the stairs and disappeared into a huge metal shack off to the right, while the others drifted apart to do their own things. Her eyes grew wide as a gigantic atomic bomb rose up from the pond in the center of town, towering high above the catwalks and shacks. But everyone went about their business, completely ignoring it.

“Thing’s been disarmed. Mostly just a tourist attraction now. Oh, and some of them Children wack-jobs worship it,” Carrie told her, catching up to their side. Yet another cigarette rested between her fingers and she scowled at the few left in her last pack. “M’Cready, you got them caps?”

“We only need one. Don’t let her push you into buying two,” he said, sounding tired. Five caps clinked in his hand as he passed them off to her, and she gave him a nasty smile when she snatched them from him. “Thanks, Carrie. Appreciate it.”

“Yeah, yeah, just keep it in yer pants tonight.”

With that, she took off for the nearest ramp, leaving him and Alex standing there at the edge of the filthy pond. He sighed as he buttoned his caps purse shut and met her gaze for a moment. Behind him sat a tiny bar, with a sign that read “The Brass Lantern” next to the door. Her stomach growled a bit as she remembered how long it had been since lunch.

“You wanna get something to eat?” she asked. She tipped her head toward the bar and raised a brow.

Mac looked over his shoulder, but he shook his head. “Not really hungry. But if you are, I guess I can feed you. Again.”

She gave him a light smack on the arm as he smirked, chuckling softly at her as he followed her to the door. It wasn’t too busy inside yet and they found a table close to the bar, where a group of drifters spoke idly about something to do with the metro. A middle-aged man, who she learned was called Leo, stopped by to take their orders and chatted them up a bit. Mac asked a couple questions about the Brotherhood, mostly wondering about how safe the route to the southwest was going to be. Leo nodded, confident that it was a good trip, and then he disappeared into the back to get their food and drinks.

“Wait, I thought we had to pay a toll to take a Brotherhood route?” Alex frowned, remembering the massive toll they charged on their way into the Capital Wasteland.

“Not if it’s just the two of us. They only charge for caravans and brahmin taxis. Besides, if they do want to charge us, we can figure out a way to sneak around. Or… we could kill them. Obviously. Not really opposed to that plan, either,” he answered with a casual shrug. A cold Nuka Cherry was set in front of him and he popped it open to a low, half-flat hiss before taking a drink. “Last time I took that route, there were… I think just the one checkpoint, actually. Right on the border. The farm is about a three and a half hour walk past that. But if you want, we can take a taxi.”

A few bites of her brahmin pie disappeared as she thought about it, but she shook her head. “It’s okay, we can walk. I’ll be alright, and then I can just rest once we get there. I really don’t think it will be a big deal.”

“Alright, but if you change your mind, let me know before we leave tomorrow. I doubt there will be any along the way.”

Alex quickly finished up her pie so they could have some time to look around. It was getting dark as they stepped out of the Lantern, but the huge, curved walls blocked out a lot of the sky. Back at the edge of the pond, Mac took her by the hand and pointed out a few landmarks here and there. It was cute, the way he smiled and reminisced about certain places. Some of his stories were funny, and others sad, but he made sure to tell her a bit about nearly every store, bar, and restaurant in town as they wandered the catwalks.

Eventually, they ended up in front of Moira’s inn, where all the caravan hands came to sleep at night. There were no rooms, but each bed was walled off by raggedy curtains in all sorts of colorful patterns. It was nearly lights out by that time, and everyone was scrambling to change and get their things put away in a locker before the room went dark. She stayed put as he walked over to a red-haired, wiry woman in a jumpsuit, and then watched as the woman smiled warmly at him and pointed to an empty bed near the end. It didn’t take them long to get ready in one of the restrooms together, though the lights were off by the time they curled up in bed, shivering under the thin sheet.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly. One hand smoothed down her hair, carefully brushing through the soft curls as she whimpered again.

“I was just… thinking about something,” she whispered back. There was no telling what it was, but something had reminded her of Shaun, synth Shaun. She was desperate to ask him again if she’d done the right thing, but it was late and they didn’t need to be talking right then. Besides, she didn’t want to bring it up right before they got to the farm, and take away his moment with Duncan. Her forehead brushed against his shirt as she shook her head and blinked away a few tears. “It’s nothing. We can talk about it in the morning.”

Mac pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and shifted to look down at her. “Are you sure? We can go in the next room to talk, if you need,” he said, still just above a whisper. “You aren’t worried about tomorrow, are you?”

“Yeah, but it’s not that. I’d rather not talk about it right now. I just want to sleep.”

“Please, talk to me. I know you’re tired, but I don’t want to feel like I’m not any help. Are you angry with me?”

“No, I’m not. Now, please, just let me sleep, Rob. I swear, I’ll tell you in the morning.” Annoyance with him was starting to overshadow how upset she was about Shaun, and he pulled her closer to his chest than she would have liked as she brushed him off again. She grit her teeth, wondering if he had been this clingy with Lucy.

“Do you miss Shaun? Hey, if you’re sad or… or jealous, or whateve-“

“I’m not fucking jealous,” she hissed, trying her best to keep her voice low. “I already told you before, I never even wanted kids. Just go to sleep, okay? You _are_ going to piss me off if you ask again.”

Silence lingered between them for a few minutes, until he made a small noise in his throat and nodded. “I’m sorry. I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight,” he whispered, his voice strained.

“Don’t worry about me, sweet pea. Goodnight.”

***

A short, pre-war farmhouse, completely repaired and painted a pastel yellow and white, poked up at the side of the blacktop a few yards in front of them. It sat back from the road, surrounded by a lush garden of fruits and veggies. A massive, twisted tree was still growing on one side, seemingly untouched by radiation. An old tire swing hung from a low branch, blowing gently under the shade. On the other side of an empty, fenced-in livestock yard was a dilapidated barn, though stacks of wood and cans of paint sat around it, waiting patiently to fix-up the ancient building. The homestead looked fresh out of a storybook, and Alex gawked at it in disbelief.

“That’s your house?!” she cried, shaking his arm. “I thought you said your house was filthy! That place couldn’t possibly have a speck of dust in it!”

“Well, it’s probably clean right now, if Wil picked up already. He’s a lot neater than I am,” Mac chuckled, picking up the pace as they drew closer. The smile on his face gave away a lot of the excitement he was feeling, even though she knew he was trying to hide it. “I fell out of the habit of keeping things neat and organized when I left Little Lamplight. Unfortunately.”

She joined in his laughter as they stepped onto the gravel driveway. “I’ve never been neat, really. I get distracted too easily.”

Pebbles and new shoots of grass crunched under their boots, and he suddenly took off in a sprint as they slipped through the garden. The door wasn’t locked and he didn’t bother to knock as he rushed in, leaving her to catch up when she could. She wanted to run after him, to see his face as he burst into Duncan’s room with the cure in hand, but her knees screamed when she tried to walk even a little too fast. So, she let him go on ahead, though he thankfully stopped in the kitchen just beyond the doorway, talking excitedly with another man. The door quietly squeaked shut behind her and she padded across the dark blue carpet to join him at his side.

“Oh, hey! This is Alex. Alex, this is Wilson.”

Mac gestured toward the man sitting at the kitchen table, and he slowly rose to offer her a hand. He was broad, muscular, and his porcelain skin contrasted sharply with his jet-black hair. Something about him just didn’t seem to fit in with the wasteland, despite all the scars on his face, but then she noticed the vault door tattooed on the inside of his wrist. He was a former vault-dweller, just like she was.

“Damn, Mac, I never thought I’d see the day you brought another chick home to stay,” he said, snorting. Then he nodded apologetically at her. “Sorry, that was a bit crude of me to say. I’m not used to having any _polite_ women around.”

“Don’t worry about it. Uh, so, how’d you guys meet?” she asked, glancing at Mac. That last comment was starting to make her think they’d met at a topless bar or something.

“You tell her. She’s your girlfriend,” Wilson shot at him, though the rough tone was good-natured. He smiled and shuffled off to the sink to wash the dishes.

“We met when I was 13, he was 20. Gangly, dumb jerk stumbled into Lamplight one day, demanding to be let into the vault, and I made the mistake of letting him in. Then he made some deal with Knick Knack behind my back, and next thing I knew, he was stopping by once a week to bother me.” He shook his head as the two of them laughed together, and then he rolled his eyes as he looked back at her. They were clearly pretty good friends, as far as she could tell. “Where’s the doc, man? Duncan’s room?”

Wil nodded, jabbing a thumb down the hallway behind them. “She hasn’t left that room in a month, dude. You owe her some serious thanks.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m going in there now.”

“Hey, just… don’t be shocked when you go in, alright?  It’s a lot to take in.” He gave them both a sympathetic look, though it only lasted a second before he turned back to the dishes.

Mac nodded, his lips pursing as he glanced at the floor. As he walked out of the kitchen, Alex took his hand and gave it a little reassuring squeeze. He squeezed back, smiling nervously as he led her through the living room, with all its books and paintings and stacks of toys, to the hallway that cut all the way to the back of the house. A few doors branched off of it, but he stopped at the one at the very end and knocked softly. A woman’s voice invited them inside, cautioning them to be quiet when they did.

A small, frail boy of no more than 3 or 4 lay in the middle of the room, surrounded by IV poles and old medical equipment. A ventilator hummed at the foot of his bed as it pumped oxygen into his lungs through a tube strapped over his mouth, and a monitor beeped softly as it recorded every small motion of his heart. Thick blankets covered most of him, trying to keep him as warm as possible, but dozens of blue boils were still visible all over his arms. He slept peacefully, despite everything around him.

In the corner of the room sat an older woman in a lab coat, with a stethoscope draped over her shoulders and other needles and tools sticking out of her pockets. She seemed surprised at their arrival in the room and instantly jumped up from her chair. Her hands clasped behind her as she drew close, looking solemn.

“Mr. MacCready? And Mrs. MacCready?” she asked, revealing a slight English accent.

“You can just call her Alex, doc…” Mac trailed off as he stared at the bed, standing almost frozen. He started to reach a hand out, but seemed to think better of it and let it fall limply at his side.

“Ah, I see. That’s fine. Well, I know this isn’t the outcome you were hoping for, Mr. MacCready, however I’m very sad to say that there isn’t much else I can do for your son. He’s sedated now while he’s on ventilation, but I can have him woken up in a few hours so that you may speak with him once mo-“

He quickly shook his head, still not tearing his eyes away from the little boy. “I have it. The cure.” His fingers scrambled to pull the injector out of his pocket, and then he gingerly held it out to her, almost as if it would burst into a million pieces if he moved too quickly. “Please, give it to him now. Before you wake him up.”

Dr. Marrian hesitated. “You read my letter, yes? I’m really not sure that it-“

“I asked you to give it to him. So, do it. Now,” he demanded evenly, snapping his head up to meet her eyes. When she helplessly shook her head, he grit his teeth and stepped closer to her. “I don’t care if you think it won’t work. I spent over half a year away from my son to get this for him, now I’m _telling_ you to give it to him.”

“Y-yes, sir, of course. You may sit with him while I administer the medication, but I would like to speak with you and your… Alex outside once I’m done,” she squeaked, carefully taking the injector from him. Her eyes flashed from his hardened face to Alex’s, though Alex didn’t move to reign Mac in. The doctor was on her own.

“That’s fine. We’ll be waiting in the den.” With that, he took Alex by the forearm, a bit roughly, and pulled her into the hallway. A low growl slipped out through clenched teeth as he rubbed a hand against the back of his neck. “Hell, Alex, I-“

The bedroom door opened again and Dr. Marrian slipped out, shrinking into herself when she caught him standing there. She weakly gestured to the living room, then followed behind Alex as he stomped down the hall in front of them. Wilson was nowhere to be found as they came to a stop in the center of the room.

“Mr. MacCready, I understand that this is stressful for you, but please hear me out. I’ve given your son the largest dose that I’m able to of Prevent, but I need to explain further what I meant in the letter,” she said, taking a deep breath. “The medication may very well work in curing Duncan of the disease he has. The problem lies not in that, but in the recovery process. Your son’s immune system has, unfortunately, been decimated by the disease, as have his heart and lung functions. My fear is that the weakness of his body, combined with the background radiation always present in the wasteland, may… Well, to put it as lightly as I can, I’m afraid that these conditions may cause him to pass away regardless. And if, by some miracle, he does not, there is a very good chance that he will always be reliant on an assistive device to breath.”

Silence fell over the room like a lead weight. Tears burned her eyes as Alex turned her face into his arm, squeezing his hand in both of hers. The weeks spent searching, tearing Med-Tek to pieces, the month-long journey across the wasteland, and yet here they were, being told that they were too late. It wasn’t enough. Duncan would be cured of the disease, only to die by its complications anyway. Another life claimed by the cruelty and heartlessness of the wasteland.

Mac swiped a hand over his mouth, shaking his head. A host of emotions played out across his face as he stared at Marrian. “But you’ve kept him alive this long. Why can’t he stay on the machines until he gets stronger?” he questioned, his voice gravelly. It sounded almost like he was choking back tears, too.

“Yes, that is exactly what I will try to do. However, because of how inhospitable the land is, he may not be able to recover. Because of the radiation and various contaminants in the food, which are more easily managed by healthy individuals, his body may never grow stronger. The equipment can keep him alive for a time, but not forever. He must be sedated when on the ventilator, and the longer he is kept sedated, the more dangerous it becomes for his brain. Does all that make sense?” Marrian was calm and sympathetic, though a few tears glistened at the corners of her eyes. She nodded as she met Alex’s gaze, and then pulled a tissue out of her pocket to dab at her tears. “Believe me, this is… very difficult… for me as well.”

An alarm on the heart monitor went off then, screeching incessantly to alert anybody around to help. Dr. Marrian instantly turned and scurried back down the hallway, disappearing with a small click behind the last door. A few moments later, the alarm stopped, and the silence became deafening again. She didn’t come back.

***

Early morning sunlight flooded the bedroom, blinding them both as they lay tangled in the middle of the sheets together. They’d slept fitfully all night, almost unable to sleep at all. Every few hours they would check for an update, but Marrian would shake her head at them and close the door in their faces. They both sat up, completely shocked when someone suddenly knocked on the bedroom door. Mac swayed as he stood, already half-drunk, and threw the door open with a sneer.

“Get in here, man, Dunc’s finally awake this time!” Wilson sounded ecstatic, and he beamed as they both raced into the hall. “Doc’s really got him awake this time, talking and everything! Said you just need to wear a mask, and told me to tell you not to touch him. He’s recovering now, but the less germs we can throw at him, the better.”

Mac mirrored her wide-eyed, fearful expression as they each slipped a surgical mask on and waited patiently at the end of the hallway. After what seemed to be ages, the door clicked open and Marrian held out two pairs of white latex gloves.

“Come in slowly, keep your voices low. He’s awake and only a bit disoriented, but we don’t want to put him under too much stress right this moment,” she said, ushering them inside.

There were already two extra chairs waiting for them at the side of the bed, and they quietly took a seat as the little boy stirred. Duncan looked around, first at the machines, and then at all the IV’s and other things stuck to him. He stared at her and Mac for a second, studying them with sunken, blue eyes, and gasped loudly. Mac laughed, relieved, as his son’s face lit up in the biggest, brightest smile she had ever seen. He took one little hand in his gloved palm as Duncan reached out, desperately grabbing for him.

“Hey, buddy, just relax! I’m here now! Relax, little guy…” he murmured, giving his son’s hand a tiny squeeze. “I’m not gonna leave again, alright?”

“Daddy, I wanna hug,” Duncan whimpered hoarsely. He tried pulling Mac’s hand to bring him closer, but Mac only chuckled.

“I know. I wish I could give you a hug, but for right now, I’ve gotta make sure all of my germs stay on me and not you. Don’t want you getting sick again, do we?”

He peered curiously at the blue spots still covering his arms. “Am I getting better, daddy? I don’t feel better. My aminal spots still hurt…”

“ _An_ -i- _mal_ , buddy. And yeah, Doc M. says you’re gonna get better, but really slow. So, you know how you had to wait so long for me to get back? It’ll probably be like that again,” Mac said quietly, brushing a few bits of sandy blonde hair away from Duncan’s face. Tears started to well up in the boy’s eyes, and he frantically shook his head. “No, no, no, shhhhhh… It’s okay! What’s wrong?”

“You’re leabin’ again?!” he cried as tears spilled over his cheeks. He took Mac’s hand in both of his and held it tight as Mac tried to calm him down.

“Noooo, I’m not leaving again! I’m staying right here for as long as it takes you to get better, alright?” He held Duncan’s hands in his as Dr. Marrian helped to calm him down and made sure he was getting enough oxygen. “Duncan, hey… You haven’t said hi to Alex yet. She’s my new friend. She’s gonna hang out here with us, too.”

The little boy sniffled as he waved to her, curling his fingers in and out of his palm. “Hi, Alice…”

Both of them laughed softly, and Mac shook his head. “Al- _ex. X…_ I know that’s a hard one, huh?” he said, sounding it out slowly.

“Alice. Alik. A… Ale-x…” Duncan screwed his face up as he tried it, determined to get it correct. “Did I do good now?”

“Yep, you got it, Duncan!” she said, giving him a thumbs-up. “Me and your daddy have a _ton_ of awesome stories to tell you! You wanna hear about how we fought a giant, mama deathclaw?!”

“Yeah!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so Wilson is my Lone Wanderer if you hadn't figured that out, and Doc Marrian is an OC. I'll probably be writing bios for them both and putting them on my blog. Wil will probably get a drabble or two, and Marrian might also, just depends on how much free time I have. but this is only the beginning of Mac's journey and I think it's going to be... not interesting, so much as heartbreaking to see him struggle to cope. there are lots of old habits he tends to fall back on and Alex is about to see some of the worst.
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted. Thank you so much for reading and commenting, it means a lot!


	23. Your Turn to Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eight months. Twenty-three days. Twelve hours. Ten minutes.

**-MacCready-**

“She out now?”

“Yeah, she’s asleep.”

MacCready zipped his jeans as he shuffled back to the kitchen from the bedroom, then plopped down at the table with a sigh and ran a hand through his messy hair. A fresh beer slid across the table towards him before Wil flicked the bottlecap into a cup on the other side, missing by a good inch. It clinked and rolled across the floor, gathering a playful groan from both of them. MacCready tossed back a good quarter of the bottle while the other made rude gestures at the cap cup. A deep burp made him wrinkle his nose, and Wil glanced back at the bedroom with a little shake of his head.

“She’s not your type, dude,” Wil said matter-of-factly, tipping his beer forward.

“Whadd’yu mean?” He rolled his eyes in drunken confusion. Alex was pretty damn close to Lucy, personality-wise.

“Well, she’s… _y’know_.” A sigh barely covered the creaking of the chair as Wil leaned forward, holding his hands up when MacCready still didn’t understand. “Look, I’m gonna spell it out for your drunk ass. Lucy, she was-“ He made a downward wave with his hands, keeping them parallel and narrow. “-but Alex, she’s, _weeeelll_ , she’s-“ He made another wave, this time holding his hands much further apart. “Do you get what I’m fuckin’ sayin’ now?”

A lazy hand shoved Wil back and he shook his head. “Damn, man, I don’t really care about stuff like that! It dun’n matter!” he slurred, taking another sip. “See, this’s why you’ve never gotten a real girlfriend. ‘Cause you’re a jerk.”

“A ‘jerk?’ The hell, we in grade school? Just get over it and call me what you wanna call me!”

He hesitated, but all the drinks were muddling his brain. Duncan wouldn’t know… right? Besides, they were adults, having an adult conversation. “You… you’re an asshole-“

“See! Now, was that so hard?!” Wil clapped him on the shoulder, grinning widely. “Well, whatever. I figured your standards had gone downhill after Lucy.”

MacCready scowled hard. “What the _hell_ is wrong with you? Your filter rot outta your brain?”

“Hey, I may be an asshole, but at least I can still get skinny bitches in my bed whenever I want,” he shot back with a laugh. Then he leaned in, baring his teeth in a wicked smirk. “At least she’s quiet. Hell, you’re louder in bed than she is. _‘Aaaaah! Fuck me, Alex! Harder! Harder!’_ ”

“Oh, shiiiit… D’you think the doc heard?” he asked, lowering his voice. His eyes drifted toward the hall, but the dark rectangle to the side of the living room slowly wavered.

Wil laughed again. “I’m fuckin’ with you, man! At least, I couldn’t hear anything out here, no guarantees about her hearing it down the hall.” He stood up as they both finished their drinks, clapping him on the shoulder again, and grabbed two more beers out of the fridge. Their supply was starting to dwindle dangerously low, which wasn’t too much of a surprise considering they’d been drinking on and off together since 11 that morning. “Seriously, though, what made you pick her? Not enough sober chicks in Goodneighbor, or did you just pick up some sick fantasy for girls like _her_?”

He bristled as he took a bottle and popped the cap, flicking it haphazardly toward the cup. His vision was starting to blur as he tried to remember how much he’d had to drink, but he tipped the bottle back anyway. It didn’t even taste like anything anymore. His stomach did a small flip when he swallowed and he squeezed his eyes shut for a second. “She’s nice. All the good parts of Lucy, without all… that extra shit. I mean, not like she dun’n have negatives. Her ex really fucked her up, so sometimes sh’gets weird about random stuff. And she can’t have kids, so-”

“She can’t have kids?” Wil blurted, looking incredibly surprised. “What the fuck made you ask her out?”

“I dunno, I guess I wan’n thinkin’ about it too mu-“

“Wait. If she can’t have kids, does that mean you don’t have to wear anything when you’re fuckin’? That… that may actually make up for her being so big.” He waved a finger, staring across the table at MacCready with one eye shut. He looked like some kind of dumbass pirate. “Damn, I’m actually a little jealous.”

“Oh, c’mon. She’s not even that fat!”

Wil’s jaw dropped. “You just called her fat, your whole shitty argument is out the window!”

“I said she’s not that-“ He groaned, shaking his head. “Forget it. You weren’t gonna let it go.”

“You think she’d be a good mom to Duncan?”

MacCready nodded, swallowing another mouthful of beer. “Yeah, she had a son at one point. Think she’ll be a’right.”

“What the hell? She can’t have kids, but she had a son? And where the fuck is he?”

“It’s complicated. Shouln’n get in her business, alright? She had a son and she can’t have kids _anymore_ , and she dun’n have him anymore. He died.”

“Oh, shit.” Wil stroked his chin, actually looking a bit sympathetic that time. “Well, alright then. She seems good for you, though. Nice. But you don’t se-“

“What?! What about me?” he spat, curling his lip again.

“Well, _that_. You don’t seem any less pissed off at everything. And you obviously haven’t stopped drinking as much, like you said you would.”

MacCready snorted and tossed up a hand. “I’ve been gone for six months. You dunno know shit.”

“Two bottles of whiskey disappeared to your bedroom today, not to mention all the beer. And you’re still standing, or… sitting, whatever… so I think that’s a pretty good indication of _something_.” Wil leaned in, his brow knit. He looked concerned. Or, maybe that was just the way his face was swirling in and out of focus. “Daisy sent me a note, too. Dunno why she likes you so much, but she seemed pretty worried about you. Asked me if I could talk with you.”

Fuck. Of course, Daisy would send a note to Wil. She had tried to talk him out of spending so much time at the Third Rail, but he couldn’t. Not when he needed to spend every minute looking for new clients. And the cheap alcohol was tempting when he was around it all day and night, with shit bouncing around in his head that he didn’t want to think about.

He clenched his jaw as he stood, swiping the empty bottle off the table. “I dun’need you to look after me. Jus’ worry about yourself.”

“Where are you goin’?” Wil called after him, throwing his hands out as MacCready staggered towards the bedroom.

“Worry. About. Yourself.”

**-Alex-**

A songbird twittered happily in a young mutfruit tree just outside the window, announcing the long-past sunrise to anything that would hear it as the clock on the nightstand ticked to read just before 10 AM. A small painting of the Megaton bomb hung behind the bedpost and she quietly studied the strokes, rubbing a hand over his chest. Mac groaned again as he threw an arm over his eyes, blocking out the bright sunlight that streamed over the bed. She glanced down at his face, tilting her head, and gently clucked her tongue.

“How much did you drink yesterday?” she asked, concerned this time. It was usual for him to drink fairly often and quite a bit, but she wasn’t oblivious to the times he would seriously overdo it.

“Does it matter?” His voice was hoarse and he sneered under his arm, though she knew he was more annoyed with himself than her.

Alex sighed and gently pushed his arm away, peeking at his exhausted, angry eyes. “Do you want one of my pills? It’ll make you feel better. But you can’t just go right back to drinking, you’ll have to wait.”

“No, it’s fine,” he breathed, relaxing some when she brushed her fingers through his hair. His lips twitched and pursed as his eyes trailed over the ceiling, tracing the random pattern of the wood. “Could you bring me a little bit of whiskey?”

“Sure. Do you want some toast, or some eggs or something?” When he nodded slowly, she slipped off the bed and padded over to the door. “You want me to ask Dr. M. how Duncan is doing, maybe see if she can wake him up in a few hours?”

Mac turned his head to stare at her, and then he sighed heavily. “If she can. She said yesterday that it would be better to let him rest while the medicine is working.”

“I’ll see what she says,” Alex mumbled, quietly shutting the door behind her.

Wilson was already up and banging around in the kitchen, replenishing the fridge’s supply of beer. They smiled and nodded silently at each other as she stepped over to the stove to make some breakfast. Despite his gruff nature, he was actually quite polite to her, though he often had to apologize for letting crude things slip. He and Mac seemed to get along well, even if most of the conversations she overheard were just playful banter.

A nip of whiskey and a plate of steaming eggs and toast stacked in one hand as she knocked on the last bedroom door. Something shifted in the bedroom, barely audible over the beeping and humming of all the machines, and Marrian poked her shocked face around the door. Alex smiled, hoping she wasn’t growing too terrified of Mac. The doctor seemed to relax when she realized Alex was alone.

“How’s Duncan doing? Any chance we could get some time with him today?” she asked, sounding a bit more eager than she would have liked.

But Marrian’s tiny smile immediately began to slip and she glanced back into the room. “Oh, um… I do believe he’s healing well, yes. But… but I think it would be best if we left him to rest… just for today.”

“Everything’s okay, right?” Alex felt her eyebrows pulling in as she tried to peek over her head, but Marrian shifted the door to block her view. “If something’s going on, you can tell me. Please. If you’re worried about Rob, I can… I’ll try to keep him calm.”

She bit her lip, swallowing hard as her eyes darted down to their bedroom. “W-well, you see, the medication _is_ working, but it- it… His lungs ar-are too weak. I really am afraid that he won’t make it. Oh, but please don’t tell Mr. MacCready until I get a chance to continue working! There are still exercises I can try with Duncan, but I need a chance!”

“Yeah, it’s okay. I won’t tell him. Um, if Duncan gets worse… you’ll let us know, right?”

“Of course, of course!” An alarm went off behind Marrian and she jumped at the noise. “I have to go, please, excuse me.”

The door slammed in her face and Alex stared down at the carpet, frozen in place. Was that something she should hide from Mac, just because the doctor was scared of his temper? She bit her lip, dying for an easy answer. Just before she turned to go, a gasp and a wracking cough came through the door, and then the sound of dozens of frantic alarms drowned out the poor little boy’s misery.

***

Her fingers brushed through his hair, still a bit damp from their shower, as he tipped his head back in her lap. All day, they’d been waiting for any little bit of news, but no knock had come to the bedroom door just yet. He sighed as his eyelids fluttered closed and she brushed a hand over his cheek, fresh stubble prickling her fingertips. Neither of them had spoken for a while and now the silence was starting to weigh too heavily on her.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked, just above a whisper. When he didn’t answer, she glanced down at him and raised an eyebrow.

His jaw clenched as he took a breath, bottom lip quivering. “Thinking about… how stupid I was to think I could just ignore all this. Ignore Duncan,” he breathed, fighting back tears as they filled his eyes. “I love him so much, I swear to _god,_ I love him, but… I couldn’t stand the thought of losing Lucy and then Duncan, too. And then be left with nothing.”

“Oh, baby, I don’t think this is all your fault. It’s scary, I know.” Alex gently wiped his tears away and squeezed his shoulder, understanding exactly how he felt. Terror pulled at her heart, too, as she thought about what might happen. “He’s going to get better now, I’m sure. Dr. Marrian told me she knows exercises to get his lungs stronger. He’ll be f-“

A loud knock at the door made both of their eyes light up, and she patted his arm excitedly as they started to get up from the bed. Duncan must finally be awake! A robe slipped over her shoulders while he went to grab a handful of tissues, laughing softly as he dried his eyes. They beamed at each other and reached out for a hug, sighing a breath of relief in the other’s arms. But another light chuckle was cut short as a hand thumped against the door again, this time much more pressing. A frown twisted her face as she threw the door open.

Disheveled and shaken, Wilson shifted his weight from one foot to the other as he leaned into the bedroom. His eyes flitted from Alex to Mac, and gestured for Mac to come forward. She stepped back to give them some room and watched impatiently as Wilson grabbed him by the arm and pulled him in close.

“You need to keep it together, man. She already said she’s going to have to throw you out if you blow up in there, alright? I’ll be there, your girl will be there, we got you,” Wilson murmured in his ear, giving him a little shake.

The lights in the hallway were dark, but a little bit of afternoon sun still poured in through the window at the end. The gentle light, sparkling with bits of dust, shined over the last bedroom door. It beckoned them closer, even as the shrill sound of an alarm reached their ears and pushed them away. Her numb, unfeeling hand slipped into his as they stepped into the long stretch of sunlight, sending the clouds of dust tumbling away. The alarm suddenly quieted, and he squeezed her hand almost tight enough to snap her bones as the door squeaked open to reveal the same sight they had seen every day before now.

Except now, it just wasn’t the same. Marrian hung her head as she ushered them inside, then gestured toward the bed. The machines still blinked and hummed and beeped all around Duncan as he lay wrapped in the blankets, his eyes closed peacefully. Next to her, Mac swiped a hand over his mouth as he stood perfectly still and stared down at the bed. Alex whimpered, breaking the silence, and hid her face away in his shoulder. But she had to be strong, for him, and she grit her teeth as she reached up with her free hand to grip his arm. Behind them, Wilson sighed and placed a hand on his other shoulder.

A deep, shuddering gasp suddenly woke the little boy, and the doctor rushed to his side as he clawed at his chest, desperate for air. Alex felt as if her throat had been crushed shut as they watched Marrian pump air into his lungs by hand, trying to stabilize him the best she could. After a tense few minutes, Mac took a shaky step forward and reached out to take his son’s pale hand.

“Shh, shhhh, it’s okay, Duncan,” he murmured, lifting a finger to his lips. “Relax. I’m here now. Everything’s going to be alright. Look, did you see your spots are gone?”

“It hurts still, Daddy. It hurts to bweathe.” Duncan gasped weakly as he rubbed at his throat, still struggling to get any air. A little sob made everyone panic, and Marrian forced the mask over his face as she pumped again. Once his spasms had calmed, the mask was pulled away and he reached a tiny hand out. “C-can I have a hug now, Daddy?”

Mac glanced over at the doctor, getting a little nod of permission before he sat down on the bed and pulled his son onto his lap. He rubbed Duncan’s back, careful not to pull out any of the IV’s as he held him close. Alex wiped her tears away on the back of her hand as she inched forward and grasped Mac’s shoulder. Eventually, Duncan fell asleep in his arms, already exhausted from the short excitement. The boy was laid gently on the bed and tucked in as tears fell from the corners of his dad’s eyes.

“He’s getting better… right?” Mac asked. No one answered him and his shoulders tensed. “ _Marrian_ , is he getting better or not?”

“He’s recovering, but his heart and lungs… they’re so weak that I- I…” Dr. Marrian looked to the floor as she shook her head, seeming unsure. “I’ve got to put him back on the ventilator right away. That will keep him breathing for a while longer. But his heart…”

“God- _dammit_ , Marrian, just answer the question!”

Both Alex and Wilson placed a hand on his shoulders again, trying their best to keep him calm, and Wilson muttered something in his ear again. She gave a gentle squeeze as he grit his teeth and balled his fists at his sides. That seemed to be enough to keep him, for the moment.

“If his heart grows any weaker, no, I’m very sorry to say that he won’t make it. Lung function, I can manage, but not a heart that’s unable to beat. We just don’t have the equipment,” Marrian whispered, finally sounding confident for once. “I’m so, so sorry. You have no idea.”

The three of them were left to stand idly around Duncan’s bed as Mac disappeared into the hallway without another word, seething with angry frustration. They exchanged a terrified glance, though it was more for his son than for him. Wilson was the first to drift out into the hall with a shake of his head. Left alone in the room, Alex gave the doctor an apologetic nod, to which she received one in return before she slipped out of the room after him.

***

Another two days passed slowly, waiting impatiently for any sort of news, or the chance to speak with Duncan again. The little boy had only been woken up once in that time, but it was far too short of a period before he drifted off to sleep again. His body needed all the rest they could give it to strengthen his muscles. But it was difficult. It was difficult to watch Mac pace the bedroom for hours at a time, to watch him curl up in the bed and hide his face away from her. At night, she would wake up to find him clinging tightly to her, sobbing quietly. He never pushed her away when she tried to help, but she was careful not to be an overbearing, unwanted presence.

It was just before noon when she stepped out of the shower to find him sitting in the huge living room window. He stared blankly at the garden and the empty driveway, and startled when she came to sit beside him. Surprisingly, he seemed sober, and she offered him a smile as she patted his thigh.

“Do you want me to make you lunch?” Alex asked, brushing a wet piece of hair behind her ear.

“Already ate something,” he mumbled back, and he sighed as he dropped his head against her shoulder. “This is all my fault, Alex. If I hadn’t screwed around, he wouldn’t be in there dying right now.”

Her arm wrapped around him as she bit her lip. “You couldn’t have known it was going to happen like this. It’s not like you could have walked into the Commonwealth and grabbed the cure, with nothing in between,” she said softly, kindly. “You had to make some money to send back to Duncan, and all those ferals were tough even for the two of us. I know you didn’t want to tell me about it earlier than you did, and that’s entirely understandable. I wouldn’t trust just anybody to help me with that, either. I guess what I’m saying is, there were reasons you couldn’t bring it straight home. You did waste a little time, but you couldn’t have known it was going to be as much as it ended up being.”

“I’m not saying that I didn’t make any mistakes. It’s that the mistakes _I_ made are probably going to end up killing him now.”

Alex nestled her cheek into his hair as she thought about what to say, how to reassure him that it would still be alright. That was a tough one, because she had to agree. It was his mistakes that had caused Duncan to end up so much sicker than he was originally. Not that she was going to hold that against him, or leave him because of that. Of course not. But it was one of those grey areas, something nobody wanted to really think about too hard if they didn’t have to.

There wasn’t a chance to say anything else as another alarm rang down the hall. They ignored it at first, having grown used to the constant, shrill noises of the machines. Marrian always took care of it. It continued on, though. A minute. Two minutes. By the third minute, they were already running down the hallway, hand in hand. They burst into the room, not even bothering to knock, and Wilson came racing from his bedroom to join them.

Their eyes scanned the room, taking in every small detail. The ventilator tube shoved hastily to the end of the bed. The flat-lining heart monitor. The doctor hunched over the bed, pumping her outstretched arms into Duncan’s chest. One tiny hand dangling from the corner of the blanket.

Ten minutes.

Ten minutes of CPR, and not a single minute of it was enough.

Everything was a blur as Alex watched him fall backwards, just barely catching himself on the doorframe as he gasped. A hand slowly reached out, but he ignored her as he turned to walk calmly down the hallway. He passed their bedroom, moving through the living room toward the front door, and she didn’t look back as she followed by him. Her wobbly steps followed at the exact same pace, never gaining to catch up with him, as he threw the door open and disappeared for a second into the garden. Birds squawked from somewhere above them as she saw him again, walking straight for the twisted, old tree beside the house. She followed him as he strode to a stop in the shade of its branches, his back to her, and she continued to follow him even as he bent over and vomited.

His whole body still trembled weakly as she put her arms around him and brought him to sit at the other side of the tree. It was too much to wrap her mind around and she scrambled desperately for something to say. Anything. But there wasn’t anything she _could_ say to ease his shuddering sobs. She could only sit beside him, holding him close, as he cried and screamed into her shoulder. Begging for ten more minutes with his son.

An hour passed under the tree before he gave one last, shaky breath and lifted his head from her chest. Mac half-glanced at her with swollen, red eyes as she brushed her fingers through his hair and pet the back of his neck. A deep frown tugged at her face as she sadly shook her head.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t… I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry,” Alex whispered, leaving a gentle kiss on his temple.

He whimpered softly and leaned into her shoulder again. “All I wanted was to have a family. That’s all I ever wanted. I just… needed it. And now it’s already gone, again…” His breathing hitched, though no more tears came. “Why…?”

“I love you. _I_ want you. I know you’re sad, I understand, but please don’t feel unwanted. Okay?”

“I know. But you can’t give me anymore kids,” he murmured, disappointment coloring his tone.

Her eyes squeezed shut as she breathed a hurt sigh, though she knew that it probably wasn’t meant that way. She shook her head as she spoke again. “I’m sorry. If I could, I would do that for you. I want to do everything I can to make you happy, but I… I can’t do that. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll do _anything_ else for you. Anything.”

“I don’t want anything else.”

“Then what _can_ I give you, Rob?”

“I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head against her shoulder. “I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried writing this, proofreading it, editing it, and posting it, like I don't even know if there are still errors or not cause it's too sad for me to handle. I think this best explains why Mac never returns to the Capital Wasteland, and why he never seems to mention Duncan again once you romance him. if this chapter made you sad, too, let's start a support group :,( oh and yes, Wil is a total asshole, i'm well aware. there's a good chance he's going to get his own drabble at some point that explains what happens to him after the events of FO3 and how he ended up living with Mac
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted. Thank you for reading, and I appreciate every comment, anon or not! We're almost to the end, so hang in there!


	24. Heavenfaced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex knows she needs to stay strong, to be there for Mac, but it's difficult for her. It's especially difficult when he silently walks away from her one night, planning to never be heard from again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is your one and only trigger warning to check the tags.

**-MacCready-**

Orange. Rich red-orange, to be more specific. That was Lucy’s favorite color. It found a way into every one of her paintings, somehow, but it never looked out of place. A small pot was left in the closet, waiting patiently for his shaky fingers to pick it up and paint her name on a little wooden cross.

Light green, the color of fresh grass and new spring leaves, was Duncan’s favorite color. The brush had scratched lightly against the wood, opposite Lucy’s name, to mark his. Then below, in plain white, were the dates 2265-2285 and 2284-2288.

Once the paint had dried, Alex carefully decorated a beautiful pattern around their names in green and gold. It had been staked into the ground a few paces behind the house, over the tiny grave Wil had dug. Everyone had stood around it, even Dr. Marrian, quietly holding hands and looking solemn. He hadn’t been able to say anything with a crowd staring at him, so he had waited until everyone drifted away to whisper his final goodbyes. Fat tears had streamed down his cheeks as he placed a teddy bear over the grave, holding a bouquet of flowers in its fuzzy arms. The flowers were more for Lucy, but Duncan always loved the delicate tato blossoms.

Goddammit.

The empty whiskey bottle flew from his hand, smashing into a million angry pieces against the barn wall. MacCready snarled as he ripped the top from another bottle and hurled it into the mess of glass shards, biting back more indignant tears as he brought the bottle to his lips. The whiskey was only a dull burn in the back of his throat now as he gulped it down. He stumbled around the corner with a cigarette in his lips, staring out at the bare field behind the barn. Only a small pond, dark and beautiful, glistened under the moon.

It was gone. _They_ were gone. His whole family, gone, just like that. There was Alex, sure. She loved him dearly, and he loved her right back. But she couldn’t give him what he wanted so badly. A family, a place to belong, a wife and kids to come home to every day. Kids that he could raise and love with his whole heart, kids that didn’t have to hide away in a blanket at night and wonder if their parents ever truly loved and wanted them. He desperately hoped that Duncan had died knowing he was loved, that his son never felt like his parents hadn’t wanted him.

The wooden cross swayed in a light breeze, creaking softly behind him. He glanced over his shoulder to see it waving slightly in the freshly turned dirt. Almost as if to assure him… Yeah. Duncan knew. In spite of all the time spent away from him, his son knew that he was loved.

At least he was with Lucy now. That was just about the only thing that shined in the darkness of it all. She had her son back, clambering up into her warm lap for a hug and a mountain of kisses all over his round cheeks. Despite everything, she did really love him. MacCready imagined her pouring out a heartfelt apology to her son once he was old enough to understand, apologizing for all the pain and sadness that drove her to such selfishness.

A wave of nausea hit him hard and he clenched his jaw as the bottle slammed down on the top of the fence post. How fucking pathetic. His bottom lip quivered as it passed, and he exhaled loudly. The cigarette, nearly burnt out now, was snuffed under his boot. Daisy suddenly popped into his mind, clucking her tongue at him. Chastising him. She knew exactly how drunk he would get when he couldn’t get Lucy out of his head. Always falling down at her doorstep, unable to find his keys or just so gone that her store was where his stumbling feet would take him. That was how he found out she didn’t sleep much, because she was always there to drag him inside and wrap him in a blanket. Then she would bitch at him once he was awake, and sober, badgering him about being more responsible.

Whatever. Daisy wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore.

Lucy’s old revolver slipped out of his pocket, weighing heavily in his hand. A good gun, but not useful for much of anything besides putting down mole rats or a lone raider. Six bullets waited patiently in the chamber and he shook his head. How many damn times had he told her not to leave it sitting around, fully fucking loaded? At least it was usually out of Duncan’s reach. _Usually._

Damn. Maybe… maybe she really didn’t give a shit about their son.

His teeth ground together and his lip curled as he emptied the bullets, placing them one by one in a little row along the fence. The last bullet rolled between his fingertips as he stared out at the empty field again. The pond was tiny, sure, but it was deeper than it looked. They’d been careful to keep Duncan away from it, afraid he would fall in and slip under the water without a sound. The water was cloudy and dark, too. Drop anything in it, big or small, and you’d never know it was there once it sank to the bottom.

The single bullet slid into the chamber and MacCready took one last mouthful of whiskey before stumbling forward, his eyes locked on the pond. A breeze, or a bird, or fucking something made a noise behind him, but he didn’t look back. He couldn’t look back now. If he did, the moment, and his motivation, would be gone.

He wanted to be with his family. He wanted _this_.

The sound of the hammer was so loud above his ear that he startled a bit, disrupting the quiet, still water around his shins. His eyes squeezed shut and he moved a finger over the trigger, sucking in a breath before-

“ **ROBERT!** NO! PLEASE, **STOP!** ”

**-Alex-**

The gun was wrenched from his hand, tumbling away into the dry dirt, as she slammed her whole body into his and sent them both crashing to the ground at the edge of the pond. Hysterical sobs ripped at her chest and throat as her hands splashed in the water, moving herself atop him as her fists tugged at his damp shirt. She couldn’t even see him through all of her horrified, anguished tears, but that didn’t stop her from cupping his face and bringing it up to press their foreheads together. A heavy cry tore the air from her lungs as she yanked his body against her chest, rocking him in her arms.

“No, no, no, please! Baby, I need you! _Please!”_ Alex screamed, shaking him with all the strength she could still muster. Another deep sob made the edges of her vision go dark and she whimpered up at the sky.

A shuddering, choking gasp sent her scrambling to thump his back, blinking away her tears. Mac leaned to the side as he coughed and retched over the water. Her hand still rubbed his back and shoulders when he finally began to bring in deep, even breaths, and then he slowly sat up to face her. A look of disbelief pulled at his face and he raised an eyebrow.

“Damn, you knocked the wind out of me, babe,” he breathed, patting his chest. It probably would have been light-hearted under any other circumstances, but his tone was serious this time. Then he shook his head. “How did you know?”

“I woke up and you weren’t there. I looked all over the house for you, until I saw the gun was gone…” Another little cry tugged at her throat as she looked him over, brushing his wet hair back. Her lips pursed into a tight, quivering line. “Oh, god, you scared me. You scared me so bad. Oh, god.”

Mac’s face fell and he sniffed back some tears. His voice was wobbly and he trembled as he spoke. “I’m… I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry. Sorry.”

“Talk to me. Please. I’ll listen to anything you need to say. I know you’re hurting, I know, but I’m here for you,” she said slowly. Her hand slipped in his as he silently gazed around them, assuring him it was okay to tell her.

“Can we get out of the water first?” he asked quietly, a disgusted frown on his face.

Alex nodded, chuckling a little as she looked down at their soaked clothes. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s go in the house. Some tea will make you feel better.”

Thankfully, Wilson hadn’t heard her banging around the house earlier. Or, if he did, he went back to sleep, because now she and Mac sat alone on the couch together, each with a steaming cup of wasteland tea in their hands. They had changed into dry, comfy pajamas, and she wrapped him in a thick blanket. The fuzzy purple socks she gave him poked out from beneath it as he pulled his knees up to his chin, frowning sadly at nothing in particular. She scooted close to him with a tender smile and gave his leg a pat.

“Do you want to talk about it? It would help,” she murmured. The corner of his lip twitched and he stared down into his cup. “I’m not going to make you, but if there’s something else I can do to help…”

The mug was brought to his lips to blow on it before taking a sip. “Maybe I didn’t deserve to have them. Maybe it was all a mistake. Why else would this have happened?”

“I don’t know why this happened, other than…” She shrugged. “The wasteland is a bitch. _They_ didn’t deserve to die like they did. And _you_ deserve to be happy. Even with them gone, there’s something out there for you. For us.”

“I dunno, Alex. Maybe there is. I mean, I love you, I really do. You make me happy,” he said, sighing. “But Duncan was everything to me. Hell, I probably loved him more than I did Lucy, just in a different way. And now he’s gone, and I don’t… I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I’m not saying you can’t grieve. You take all the time you need for that, I’ll still always be right here. I just don’t want you to think it’s the end of the world, because it’s not, even though I _know_ it feels like it is. The end of the world already came and went, and we’re still here, so I know you can make it through this,” she said, smiling as she rubbed his shoulder.

A few tears leaked from the corners of his eyes as he sipped his tea, thinking over what she’d said. Whatever else was going through his head, she had no idea, but she was determined to keep him safe no matter what. She didn’t want to lose him just as much as he didn’t want to lose her. Without him to help her through the wasteland, she couldn’t imagine what she would do. Her head tilted to the side as silence continued to hang between them.

“I know I keep bringing this up, and I know it might sound silly, but I really did want a family. Growing up in Lamplight, we were all one big ‘family’ and that was nice, but I still always wondered about my parents. Y’know, if they even wanted me.” Mac shrugged weakly as his gaze fell. His voice was husky as he continued. “I did, um… I did have one letter from my mother. She said my dad died in a raider attack on the town, I guess right after I was born, and that she had barely escaped with me. She died with me in her arms not far from Lamplight. Gunshot wound to the hip. The letter wasn’t… finished. The only thing else it said was my name, and that I was born July 22nd, 2265. That was it.

“I lost the letter a while ago, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that, as much as we hated adults, I always wished that my parents were still around. As a kid, I just wanted to know that someone loved me. I think a lot of the other kids felt that way, too, but nobody ever talked about it. The older kids discouraged it when we were small, and then it felt normal to keep it to ourselves once we grew up. I know I’m rambling now. But my point is, I wanted to have kids and be a good parent. To make up for… mine.”

Alex pursed her lips, holding back tears as she listened. It was no wonder now why he was so upset, and she felt her heart breaking for him. The cup tapped against the coffee table before she threw her arms around his neck in a soft, warm hug.

“It’s not silly to want something like that, sweet pea. Especially after everything you’ve been through,” she said sympathetically. “I know you said the letter was unfinished, and I understand why you have doubts, but it sounds like your mother loved you. She was hurt, but she still took you out into the wasteland to keep you from the raiders. If she didn’t love you, she probably would have left you there to save herself.”

“Yeah, I’ve thought about that. I always hoped that was the case.” He nodded and wiped a tear away. “But I’ll never know for sure.”

“You were a good dad, a _great_ dad, to Duncan. It was obvious that he adored you, Rob. I’ve never seen a little kid smile so big at their dad before,” she chuckled, brushing some of his hair back. He finally smiled at that, just a tiny curve of his lips, but a smile all the same. “It was never, ever your fault that he got sick. I’m certain he would forgive you for the mistakes that you made. Every parent makes them, big and small. That’s just the way things go. And it’s okay. I promise, it’s _okay_ to screw up sometimes when you can’t see into the future and know what will happen.”

Mac’s face twisted in tearful sorrow as she took his empty mug and set it down, then gingerly pulled him into her chest to cry. The blanket drew tighter around him and she rubbed his back, patting him here and there when his breathing hitched. She left a little kiss on his forehead when he shifted back to dry his cheeks, though he quickly dropped his head against her shoulder once his crying was over.

“You’ve always got the right thing to say, you know that?” he asked, laughing a bit. “Were you secretly a shrink before the war or something?”

“No, just _went_ to the shrink a lot.” Alex smiled down at him, but he started to look concerned.

“Because of Nate, or…?”

She shook her head, her smile turning bitter. “No, not because of Nate. I was abused before him, too. When I was… little,” she breathed. It wasn’t at all the casual, easy way she talked about everything else in her life. She grit her teeth as he shifted to study her face, wanting to know more. “I don’t… I don’t wanna talk about it. Please.”

“It’s alright. I won’t ask again,” he whispered, holding his hands up. When she sniffled, he reached over to gently rub her arm. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“You didn’t know.” A deep breath and a forced smile whisked her tears away as she tried to move on to something different. “Do you want some more tea, or a snack?”

“No, not right now. I’m pretty tired, actually.” He did sound exhausted, but that was good. Maybe now he would fall right to sleep and not get trapped in his thoughts again.

They stood up from the couch, hand in hand, and started to shuffle off to the bedroom together before another thought struck her. She turned to him as he threw the blanket over a chair, and cupped his cheek in her hand.

“Just promise me, if you _ever_ start feeling that bad again, you’ll come get me. Alright? I don’t care what’s going on. I don’t care if I’m sleeping, or in the middle of the most important thing ever, or anything you could think of. I don’t care if you think the problem is silly or unimportant. I want you to come get me,” she said sternly, staring into his eyes.

Mac nodded slowly, looking sad again as he took her hand. “I will. Promise. And thank you, for caring so much.”

***

A few weeks passed them slowly, slipping from May into the heat of June. Things were mostly calm, so long as he stayed close to either her or Wilson. She’d given Wilson a vague heads-up the morning after she found him, refusing to go into too much detail, and between the two of them, Mac always had someone nearby to prop him up and keep him company. By the time July rolled around, his grief seemed to be easing. She finally awoke in the mornings to his familiar, toothy smile and a hushed, yet warm, greeting again. His temper had calmed considerably and he no longer drank his weight in alcohol every day, nor did she find him taking potshots off the back porch at whatever crows or small rabbits would dare cross his path. Everything seemed to be returning to the way that it was.

But the way that it was meant going back to the same old nightmares, the same old bouts of moodiness, the same old depression. Sometimes she would find him staring off into space, trapped in a maze of thoughts, or tangled up in the sheets when he’d only laid down for a nap. He came to her more often now, at least. Most of the time, it would only be to sit near her, silently going about their business together in the same room. Other times, he would curl up right beside her or even in her lap. She would hold him for as long as he wanted, petting his hair as she hummed softly. Being held was something he obviously loved, even if he wouldn’t come out and say it.

When she awoke one night to find him missing again, panic immediately started to creep up her throat. The covers were thrown back as she jumped out of bed and scurried over to the bathroom. The light was off, but she knocked and peeked inside anyway. It was empty. She struggled to slow her breathing as she hurried out of the bedroom and snapped her head to look down at the end of the hall. The last bedroom door was ajar and she padded across the carpet towards it, trying not to wake Wilson. But Duncan’s old room was empty, too, save for the neatly made bed and the toys lining the walls.

None of the other hallway doors were open and she didn’t hear anything but gentle snoring behind Wilson’s. Alex poked her head back into their bedroom, easing her heart a little when she looked to find all of their guns still sitting on the dresser. The crinkle of a plastic wrapper made her jump and glance over to the living room. Not there, either. Another crinkle brought her around the corner and into the kitchen, where one little light was on above the sink.

Mac was sitting cross-legged on top of the kitchen counter and he jumped when she slipped into view without warning. One hand quickly shoved a big box of snack cakes behind him, as if he was trying to hide it from her. As she drew closer, she realized he looked a little embarrassed. Weird. He swallowed and gave her a questioning look.

“Um, what’s up? I thought you were asleep,” he mumbled awkwardly, shifting on the counter.

A relieved smile crossed her face despite whatever it was she had walked into. “Something woke me up and you weren’t there. I was worried for a second, but I guess there was no need,” she said, gesturing towards him with a little laugh. “Is everything okay?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” He dropped his gaze, though not before she noticed his red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “You can go back to sleep. I’m alright.”

“Well, what are you doin’ in here? It’s late.” She tried to make her tone curious and not accusatory as she took a few steps towards him, her hands searching for something to do.

The corner of his lip twitched up in a smirk. “Just getting some water. I swear, I’m fine.”

“You know we’re leaving first thing in the morning, right? If everything’s okay, you should get back to bed. I don’t want you to be too tired.”

“I’ll be there in a second,” he said, his voice tight as he forced a bigger smile.

Alex didn’t say anything as she stepped towards him, then turned to open the overhead cabinet and grabbed an empty glass. Beside her, he tried his best to shy away, but the crinkling of empty wrappers wasn’t easy to avoid as he shifted them under his legs. A sweet, oblivious smile lit her face as she whirled around with the glass and moved to the opposite side of the kitchen, where she filled her glass from a can in the fridge. She took her time sipping at the water while he stewed in his spot, stuck there as long as he wanted to keep it to himself.

“Are you coming now?” she asked, already heading toward the living room.

“Ye-yeah, give me a minute,” Mac chuckled.

Another strained smirk pulled at his lips as she shrugged and stopped to wait for him. When he must have realized she wasn’t going back without him, he awkwardly jumped down from the counter to keep from disrupting the wrappers and rushed over, slipping an arm around her shoulder before she could see behind him. He guided her around the corner and into the bedroom, and she gave him a peck on the cheek as they laid down beside each other.

When her eyes popped open a second time that night, it wasn’t to see him sneaking out again. A groan joined the shrill alarm clock buzzer as she rolled over and flipped it off, then rolled back to look over at his side of the bed. He was facing her, curled on his side as he slept peacefully. A little bit of stubble had sprung up along his jaw, and she thought about asking him to keep it this time. She brushed her fingers through his hair, gently waking him, and she smiled as his eyes rolled up to her. It didn’t look like he’d been crying anymore, thankfully.

“Morning, cuddle bug. Time to get up,” she purred sweetly, patting his side. “Back to the Commonwealth!”

As he got going, she slipped out of bed and headed for the bathroom. The bun was coming loose on top of her head, but she fixed it easily and replaced the plain bobby pin with one that had a little heart on it. A quiet chuckle made her look up just as he wrapped his arms around her middle, pressing kisses to her neck and jaw. It tickled in some spots and she giggled as he held her tighter.

“I have something for you,” he murmured. They looked up at each other in the mirror and he smiled.

“Well? Show me!”

Alex followed excitedly as Mac led her by the hand out into the hallway. The sun was just coming over the horizon as she looked out the window, and then she realized he had brought her to Duncan’s room. He left the light off as they went inside, and his eyes trailed across a shelf over the bed. There were all sorts of little toys covering it, but he chose one in the middle. He held it close to his chest as he turned around to face her, a bit of sadness in his eyes again.

“I’ve been meaning to give this to you. For a while, actually. I couldn’t stop thinking about it last night, and I guess now is as good a time as ever. Anyway, Lucy made this for me after we met, when I told her I was a soldier.” He hesitated, but he held the little wooden soldier out for her to take. “I know a toy seems like a strange gift to thank you for everything you’ve done, but it means a lot to me. And now, I want you to have it.”

“Are you sure?” she asked softly, cradling it in her hands.

“Yes, googly eyes, I want you to have it,” he chuckled. Then he grew somber as he thought about something else. “You did more to help Duncan than I ever could have asked, and you… you saved my life twice now. I don’t think I could ever truly repay everything you’ve done for me, Alex.”

Her lip trembled as she glanced up at him, choking back tears. “You don’t have to repay me. Everything I’ve done to help is because I love you. But I really appreciate this… Thank you.”

“I love you, too. Which is also why I want you to keep it. Just don’t lose it, please.”

Mac wrapped his arms around her in a big bear hug as she tried not to cry, rocking her side to side. It was one of the sweetest gifts she had ever gotten, and she knew that he must love her very much to part with it. As they drew away from each other, she began to think back to the pair of wedding rings she had hidden away, deep in the bottom of a drawer. Nate’s old ring would surely fit him, even as difficult as it was going to be to see its meaning transformed into something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall i got to stop with this sad shit it's making me depressed. happy chapters after this. happy chapters. promise.
> 
> Suicide Resources (USA): Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255; Trans Lifeline (877) 565-8860 (US) or (877) 330-6366 (Can); Trevor Lifeline 1-866-488-7386 or Text "Trevor" to 1-202-304-1200 Mon-Fri 3pm-10pm EST; ManTherapy.org is made for working-aged men who may be dealing with depression or suicide; Selfinjury.com or S.A.F.E. is a highly regarded treatment approach for Non-Suicidal Self-Injury.
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice (Ch30 will be the last chapter and is coming soon!). Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted. Thank you for reading, and please don't be shy with your comments! I love to read them all, anon or not!


	25. Becoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite being away, the consequences of her decisions still unfolded in the Commonwealth. Now that the pair has returned, Alex must create a battle plan alongside Preston and the Minutemen.

**-Alex-**

_“Okay, so... uhh... I think we have things... uhh, back under control now... The, uhh, interruptions to the broadcast here have been... Well, they've been pretty frustrating... I guess the Institute really wants us to know what they're up to...”_

Hushed speculations and disbelieving murmurs filled the bunker as the small group crowded around the kitchen table together, having just listened again to the Institute’s announcement. While no one was quite sure what a new reactor would mean for the Commonwealth, it was easy to guess. Synth production would definitely be kicking up, but the knowledge of the FEV lab and the prior experimentation also sparked new fears. The consensus now was to take care of this threat as quickly as possible, hence their gathering.

Preston, Sturges, and Mac stood on either side of Alex as she peered at the handful of new settlement lieutenants they had brought together for their initial debriefing. At the front of the crowd, Nick and Piper were having a quiet conversation, something about Gen 3 synths. After giving them all a moment to process the radio announcement, Preston held a hand up to silence everyone.

“Come on now, we’re not here to swap rumors. This is a serious issue and we all need to be on the same page going forward,” he said, clasping his hands behind his back. “Piper, you’re more than welcome to take notes, but this is all off-record. No news items, yet. Understood?”

“You got it, Garvey,” she answered with a smirk. The notebook flipped open in her hand as she crushed a cigarette out in an ashtray, then slipped a pen from her pocket.

“So, we’ve obviously all figured out by this point that the Institute is locked up tight underground. That doesn’t leave us a lot of options on how to bring the fight to them. Thanks to Alex, we know that they’re situated underneath the old C.I.T. ruins, and we also have a full map of their facilities that Sturges has pulled from their network files. Getting inside is going to be our first step,” Preston said.

Strangely enough, Nick silently held up a notebook and pen to scratch down some notes, same as Piper. Alex had always thought that he could just memorize every last thing, like a terminal or something. But she didn’t have much time to think about it before Preston turned the brief over to Sturges.

“Well, I did some digging into the files Alex brought me, and I found an old tunnel that runs from beneath the Charles into the basement of C.I.T. It’ll be locked up tight, but it’s just about our only shot at getting inside now,” Sturges announced, nodding. “If we can send a few people in that way, it’s possible we could hack into their systems and use that relay thing to our advantage. Bring recruits in by the dozens.”

“You sure? I couldn’t imagine them wanting to leave a loose end like that,” Alex said. She gave Sturges a look of disbelief, but he shrugged in response.

“It’s underwater, so it must be well-hidden. And well-guarded, I would imagine.”

Mac tipped his head forward and glanced over at Sturges with a little sneer on his face. “Wait, what kind of tunnel is this? We’re not talking about a trash chute, are we? ‘Cause I’m going to tell you right now, I’m not swimming upstream through a bunch of freakin’ garbage.”

“I’m going to have to second that one,” Piper laughed awkwardly, gritting her teeth.

“According to the map, it’s a cooling system tunnel that isn’t really used anymore, so it should be empty. And only a small section of it is actually underwater, so nothing but some intense radiation to swim through,” he answered, sounding confident. “If there’s any way in that’s not through digging, it’s more than likely going to be through this tunnel.”

“Alright, this is a pretty important step, so I’m going to suggest Alex and MacCready take point. Get through the tunnel system, infiltrate the Institute without causing a huge commotion, and then work on the relay,” Preston said. She and Mac both nodded at him, and then he spread a large map of the Institute across the table. “Once the relay is up and running in our favor, units are going to teleport in one at a time. Four platoons are going to spread out across the facility, with two for the entire lower level and one for each of the upper levels. Assignments will be handed out the night before.”

Alex took an authoritative step forward and he turned the floor over to her. “Our primary focus is going to be on securing safe passage to the reactor level to carry out our main attack. Resistance is mainly going to be synths, turrets, and possibly some Assaultrons, but I don’t expect many other heavy weapons. Laser weapons are their usual arms. Secondary goal is evacuating as many people as possible, so there’s absolutely no firing on civilians unless they fire first. Gen 3 synths are welcome to evacuate and anyone restricting them will be permanently dismissed. Evacuees will be taken care of by the settlements after the attack.”

“Also, synths seem to have a pretty high resistance to lasers and they’re completely immune to rads, so everyone needs to leave their laser muskets and gamma guns at home,” Sturges added.

A couple light groans came from the group, and Mac smirked. “We’ve got a decent stock-pile of shi- err, weapons, and even some power armor suits that Sturges has been putting together. Anybody that needs to swap their musket out is welcome to ask any of us about it.”

“Yeah, Rob and Sturges are right. We’ve collected some good rifles and a couple miniguns even,” Alex confirmed, nodding. “Now, once we get everyone evacuated and the facility clear, the upper level units are going to head back to the relay while the three of us and the other two units move into the reactor level. Once that level is secured, I’ll take point and deal with the reactor. I’m going to attach a charge to it, then we’ll all evacuate to a nearby location and watch that bitch go down in radioactive flames!”

Excited cheers rose from the group and even Nick and Piper joined in the clapping. She laughed sweetly at the encouragement, feeling a little blush creeping into her cheeks, and Mac patted her on the shoulder.

“Now, before you all get back to your duties, I’ve got one last order of business,” Preston called over the noise. “We’re going to be bringing in even more recruits from some of the other settlements across the Commonwealth, and we need a place to train and house them, as well as a way to communicate between the various settlements. It’s a good problem to have, and I have a solution. I think it's time to retake the Castle. It used to be the Minuteman HQ, way before my time. Well-fortified, centrally-located, and most important, it has a powerful radio transmitter we can use to broadcast to the whole Commonwealth.”

“Well, what do you mean ‘retake’ it? What are we supposed to be going up against to get it back?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Preston’s face fell as the room went silent and he turned toward her, keeping his voice a little lower. “This was long before I joined up, but the story I heard was that some kind of monster came out of the sea and destroyed the fort. A lot of the leaders were killed in that battle, and I guess nobody ever felt it was worth the risk to try to retake it. I've always wondered if losing the radio station was the beginning of all our later problems,” he mumbled, shrugging. “I thought you'd like the idea.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that! I think it’s a great idea, I just wanted to know what we were getting ourselves into,” she exclaimed.

“Glad to hear it.” A wide, toothy grin pulled at his cheeks and Alex returned his smile as he continued. “It’s in South Boston, so we can easily gather new recruits along the way. Once we’re there, we can meet back up with the garrison and formulate an attack plan. Only thing we need is… well, a new General. Someone to lead us all to a victory. And I think you’d be perfect for the job.”

She shook her head, a little embarrassed he would even suggest it. “Why not you? You seem to have plenty of experience with the Minutemen. A lot more than me.”

“That's not who I am. I can get my men through a firefight. I can defend a perimeter against all odds. But you saved us in Concord. There wasn't anything in it for you. You had your own problems to deal with, but you did it anyway. That kind of selflessness has been in mighty short supply around here for quite a while,” Preston said, amid all the stares from the group standing around. “I think you're the one who can bring the Minutemen back, and bring the whole Commonwealth together. I know it might be a lot to take in, but what do you say? Will you do it?”

The thought of leading a major group toward peaceful union in the Commonwealth didn’t at all sound like something she was capable of doing, and Alex felt her heart sink as she imagined herself up there. So many people would be relying on her and if she screwed it up, it could go so wrong. The Minutemen, and the wastelanders that relied on them, would vilify her. She and Mac would be run out of the Commonwealth, never welcomed back. Other than the Capital Wasteland, there wasn’t anywhere else they could go. That wasn’t something she thought she could risk, but then again, everyone would still be right by her side for every decision she had to make.

Mac’s hand gripped her shoulder as she considered all the possibilities, and when she glanced up, Piper and Nick were both giving her bright, shining looks of encouragement. Well, Nick was giving the most encouraging look he could muster, but his smile still meant a lot to her. And Piper… They didn’t get along great, but she was still a nice enough friend. The support from her was much appreciated. Preston and Sturges smiled as she finally turned back to them and offered a little nod.

“Alright, I’ll do it. But I need you to help me sometimes,” she mumbled to him. He breathed a sigh of relief, clapping her on the shoulder when another cheer went up from the group. “I’ll try my best, promise.”

“I know you will, Alex. Don’t sweat a few mistakes. We’ve all got your back, just like always.” Preston let his hand fall to his side as he turned to address the other Minutemen. “That’s all for tonight. Dismissed.”

Each of the lieutenants offered her their congratulations before they filed up and out of the bunker, followed by Sturges. Nick gave her a hearty handshake, and Piper yanked her into a huge bear hug, going on and on about how amazing her Blue was. She could hardly get away to shake hands with Preston, who gave her another quick word of friendly support. Eventually, the whirl of kind words and hugs dissipated and she was left standing in the middle of the bunker beside a grinning and exhausted Mac. Alex smiled as the realization of her title started to hit her and she breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that she could enjoy it quietly for the first few hours.

“General of the Minutemen… Damn. How’s it feel?” he asked softly, plopping down on the couch with a little smirk. She followed the few steps over, a warm smile growing on her face, and sat down beside him.

“Unexpected. I knew Preston thought a lot of me, but gosh, I never thought he would promote me to General,” she replied, incredulous. “I don’t really even know what I’m doing. I mean, I know some military stuff from Nate, but not much. All I know how to do is be nice and shoot people.”

That got a huge laugh out of him, something still a bit rare these days. Like finding a precious gem buried deep in sinking mud. Even with the worst of the storm behind him, it was going to be a very long time before he ever truly returned to the way things were before. If he ever returned. She brushed her fingers against the stubble peppering his jaw as she sent happy thoughts his way, and he hummed quietly once his laughing had died down.

“Am I getting too scruffy to be Second in Command?” One teasing brow went up when she shook her head in response, staring at his lips. Did they always look so warm and kissable?

“No, I told you I like your beard.” Alex cupped both of his cheeks in her hands when he shot her a goofy grin. The stubble scratched her soft palms, but she leaned in for a kiss anyway. “But if you don’t like it, you can shave. I guess.”

Mac quickly shook his head. “It’s whatever you want, princess. Or, should I say, General?”

“God, no. Please don’t call me General. It makes me picture myself as some old, pot-bellied guy with a dry cough and liver spots,” she chuckled. Her eyes squeezed shut and she frantically shook her head, poking her tongue out.

“I didn’t need the visual. A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed,” he sneered. His eyes drifted toward the coffee table as his mouth turned down into a disgusted grimace. “Ugh, I just know I’m going to remember that next time we’re in bed.”

Both arms wrapped around him as she threw her head back and howled with laughter, tears nearly streaming down her face. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! That’s fuckin’ hilarious, though!”

“It’s really not…”

Alex gasped and immediately stopped shaking him when she remembered something she was planning for that night. Something special, just for him. He gave her a slightly worried look as she shifted away and smiled widely at him. “Hey, there was something I wanted to give you. It’s a surprise, though! Close your eyes, ‘kay?” she said, slipping off the couch. “Stay right there!”

“Please be a blowjob,” he mumbled to himself, closing his eyes as he covered them with a hand.

Over at the fridge, she reached far into the back and carefully brought a small, blue box to the counter. Inside was a round birthday cake, all decorated in yummy, homemade icing. Twenty-three candles were poked around the edge before she got out some plates, forks, and a cake cutting set from her wedding to Nate. It was adorned in hearts and each of the two pieces had a dove on the handle, but thankfully they’d never gotten around to engraving it. A loud huff from behind told her that he was getting restless, so she quickly lit the candles and turned around to face him.

“Okay, you can look now!” she cried excitedly.

His eyes immediately landed on the cake in her hands, the happiness drifting from his face the longer he looked. Silence hung between them as he stared, dumbfounded, and then his brow slowly furrowed. Oh no. He was pissed off, she just knew it. Why else would he react like that? When he’d told her what day his birthday was on, it hadn’t exactly sounded like he was expecting her to celebrate it. Or maybe he’d been so exhausted and worn down that night that he didn’t even remember telling her about the letter.

“I know it was a little while back, but we were on the road then, so… um...” She fumbled for some way to save the situation, to keep him from getting any angrier. He probably hadn’t wanted her to do anything for him, after all. Now she’d probably just gone and embarrassed him. The candles were starting to melt as she glanced up, her eyes pleading with him to let her down easy.

“No one’s ever celebrated my birthday before,” Mac whispered slowly. His eyes snapped up to meet hers, the hard look on his face dissolving as his lip quivered. There were no tears that welled up in his eyes, but they didn’t need to in order to tell her what he was feeling. “You were the first to wish me happy birthday, and now you made me a cake, too?”

Her face must surely have matched his as she stood there in front of him, feeling her heart break. “Never? Not even when you were little?”

He shook his head, though his smile started to come back. “No. Half the time, we never knew what day it was. Hardly anyone got a birthday, and never a freakin’ cake.” The flames danced in his eyes as he stared at his name written in thick, royal blue icing. “What do I do with the candles?”

“Blow them out! And make a wish, but in your head or else it won’t come true!” she shouted, bringing it closer. She giggled as he blew them out one by one with tiny breaths, instead of all at once. “Did you make a good wish?”

“I didn’t need to wish for anything, babe. You’re everything I could have wished for,” he said, standing up to kiss her cheek. “Thank you, Alex. This means… Well, this really means a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome, sweet pea. And happy birthday! I’ll cut you a piece and bring it back, just stay right there.” She shuffled off to the counter with it, plucking out half-burnt candles to throw into a jar. “Do you want a big piece or a small piece?”

“The _biggest_ piece!” He chuckled as he laid down on the couch, getting comfy now that they had the rest of the night to themselves. “Might as well just stick the whole cake on a plate.”

“Um, no. Absolutely not, young man,” Alex scolded jokingly, offering him a plate. She laughed when he shoved a huge piece of icing and chocolate cake into his mouth and hummed happily. It was pretty good, if she did say so herself, and she was happy with the way it had turned out. Very sweet and moist, and you could hardly even taste the radiation!

“I never get to have fresh cake. I think this is… the third time? No one knows how to make it anymore, and that’s when you can even find the right ingredients. This one is just delicious!”

“And this one is all yours, too!”

Mac’s eyes grew wide as he licked the icing from his fork, though he didn’t look all that happy about it. “Thank god it’s small,” he muttered under his breath.

“Oh, you know what? I have one more thing for you,” she said, stacking their empty plates off to the side. They could be washed later, in true procrastination style.

A tiny, silk bag was pulled from her pocket and he looked on expectantly as she scooted closer to him, her breathing growing shaky and nervous. His hand was drawn into hers, but she avoided his eyes as a plain, gold band slipped out of the bag, freshly polished and shining brilliantly in the light. Nate’s ring. For the longest time, she had kept it shoved in the bottom of her dresser drawer, refusing to look even long enough to sell it. Hell, for a while, she didn’t know if she even wanted to sell it. Now, she was glad that she hadn’t. It had meant almost every horrible thing in her life for years, yes, but now she could move on from all the abuse and heartache he had caused her. Now she could be with someone she truly loved again, and who truly loved her and wished that she could always be happy.

A breath caught in her throat as she held the band up between her fingers, hot tears welling in her eyes. Her lips turned down into a deep, aching frown, but she knew she wanted to do this. It was something that had been on her mind during the entire journey back home and she was determined to make this ring into something new. She bit her lip as fat tears rolled down her cheeks, and then she slid the thin band onto his ring finger. A near perfect fit. Mac held his hand up to get a better look, admiring the way it sparkled in the light, and she realized he might not even know what a wedding ring was. The smaller, matching ring slipped onto her finger and Alex took his hand in hers again, squeezing gently.

“I wanted to give you this after you gave me the toy soldier, so you had something from me, too. It’s the other ring, Nate’s old ring,” she whispered, staring at her lap. She raised her head as she sniffed back tears. “I love you so much, Robert. I’d do anything for you. Please don’t ever forget that.”

“This is… I don’t even know what to say. I know it must be hard to give this to me, with what it must mean to you, so… thank you.” He reached up to swipe her tears away, smiling kindly at her when she frowned again. “I know you love me, and I love you, too. Very, very much. I won’t ever forget that, not when you’ve done more for me than I ever thought I deserved.”

Several minutes of silence passed as she calmed her breathing and blinked away the last couple tears in her eyes, relaxing to the rise and fall of his chest and the beat of his heart. His hand smoothed over her back and she sighed at the lovely, warm touch. For the past few weeks, it had been her that had always held him, not the other way around, and her thoughts began turning to less innocent things. It was their first night back in Sanctuary, their first night alone together since leaving D.C., and she wanted him even closer to her. She wanted him to be gentle and slow with her, to kiss her body all over until they both collapsed and curled up in the other’s arms, giggling as he poked her beneath the blanket. She wanted to kiss all her favorite parts of him until their eyelids grew heavy and they drifted off to sleep together.

A little noise came from her throat as she raised herself up, cupping his face in both hands as their lips met. He tasted like cake and whiskey, and even a hint of the steak dinner she’d made, and it just about drove her wild. The whole world around her seemed to disappear as she held him there, refusing to let him get away from her hungry kisses. A smirk touched his lips when she scooted up into his lap and his hands slid down her back to lightly squeeze her ass. She giggled into his mouth and nipped his bottom lip, gathering a little moan from him.

When she pulled away for just a moment, he quickly slipped both arms beneath her thighs and hoisted her up to carry her away to the bed. Alex squealed in delight and wrapped her legs around his waist, though he was huffing and groaning as he wobbled down the hallway with her. Before they were even halfway to the door, he frantically shook his head and put her down as gently as he could, breathless and red-faced.

“Sorry… I love you, but you’re… too… heavy,” he sputtered, leaning with one hand against the wall. “You’ll have to walk.”

Anybody else admitting it, and she would have been furious, but she threw her head back as she laughed. “What’re you gonna do when I roll my ankle and the deathclaw is chasing after me, huh?” she teased, throwing him a goofy smile over her shoulder.

“Uh, you’re going to be a _really_ nice snack for that deathclaw. He’s gonna be hooked, no more skinny little brahmin for him. Only fat, juicy Alex-es from then on.” Mac smirked as he wrapped his arms around her from behind and patted her belly. Then he reached up to cup her breasts, giving them a little squeeze as he moaned. “Okay, c’mon, I gotta get these pants off quick.”

Stripped down to nothing but her bra and panties, Alex sunk back into the blankets with a breathy sigh as he lifted her legs to rest atop his shoulders. A gentle kiss brushed against the inside of her knee, warm and a bit ticklish, and she shivered when a low hum came from his throat. He glanced down at her as he rubbed his cheek against her thigh, smiling sweetly. When she returned it, he shifted to trail kisses along the insides of her thighs, letting her feet slip down his back as he drew closer and closer to her hips. Her eyes rolled up to the ceiling as he wrapped his arms around her legs and carefully spread them to press another kiss to the folds still covered up under thin, black fabric. Blood rushed into her hips, throbbing beneath his lips and begging for even a tiny bit more.

“Can I eat you out? Or would it hurt you?” he murmured, peering up at her. His voice was low and gravelly, and he pressed another kiss against her thigh as she caught her breath.

“Um, I don’t know if it would or not. You could try…”

“Okay, just tell me if it does, and I’ll stop.”

The panties quickly slipped down to her ankles and he leaned in again, holding her hips steady. At first, there wasn’t much of any feeling as his tongue lightly brushed against her, but then he must have thought it was safe to keep going, and that’s when her nerves exploded in a shower of intense, burning pleasure. A stunned gasp ripped every bit of air from her lungs and her toes curled so tightly she thought they would snap. Even as her fingers twisted in his hair, keeping him locked between her thighs, he continued to lap and suck at her folds through quiet, muffled moans.

A gasping cry slipped out as she felt a sudden spasm, enjoying the treatment a little too much. But the cry made Mac pull away for a second, licking her up from the top of his lip as he glanced toward her.

“You alright? It’s not hurting, is it?” he asked. She desperately shook her head, dying to have him keep going, and he chuckled. “Alright, if you say so.”

After a few more lovely minutes, he let out a low groan and slipped from beneath her legs, stroking his growing shaft. The bed creaked as he climbed over her, shifting into a good position as her hand wrapped around his cock. She teased her fingertips down the underside of his shaft, then brushed her soft thumb over the head as his panting really started to pick up.

“Are you going to fall asleep right after?” Alex breathed, wishing she had kissed him sooner.

He shook his head, unable to stifle a little cry in his throat. “No… not if you don’t want me to. Oh god, how much… longer are you going to make me wait?”

“You always get going so easily.”

“Alex… please…” he cried out, his voice cracking a little. His cock pushed against her as he bucked his hips, and he bared his teeth when she only giggled. “You’re hot, why else?”

Well, she would have loved to tease him more, but by the time he bit down on his lip, she knew he just couldn’t stand it. She gave him a few more strokes as she wrapped her legs good and tight around him, and then a little moan joined his panting as he thrust into her. It was getting easier and easier every time to take his whole length without much pain, but it definitely helped that he was much gentler with her. He pushed into her slowly, getting a little deeper with every shove of his hips. She moaned again, louder this time, as he finally bumped against her cervix, and her fingers twined in his hair as he eased into a slow, steady rhythm. Her eyes rolled up, eyelids fluttering, and she reached back with her other hand to twist the blanket in her tight grasp.

“Oh, shit… Can we… drag it out like this… every time?” she gasped.

“Maybe not every time. Most times,” he answered, just as breathless as she was. “I think if you… hadn’t teased me so much, I could… probably last a couple more minutes.”

Another few little moans were all she had time for before her muscles clenched and she cried out, twisting her fingers in his hair. Then she heard him gasp, and heat spread through her hips, easing what little pain was left as he shifted away from her. His lips tickled her collarbone as he leaned forward to pepper kisses over her chest, gently nipping here and there while she calmed her heavy panting. Eventually, he slipped off the bed, though he returned minutes later with a towel and fresh pajamas for them both.

“Noooo, don’t put those on yet!” Alex cried. She pushed his arms down as he tried to lift the shirt above his head, much to his confusion.

“It’s kinda cold in here, though.”

Her arms wrapped around his middle before he could whine anymore, pulling him down beside her on the bed. The look he shot her was equal parts expectant and puzzled, maybe even a little scared, and she felt her cheeks beginning to burn as they stared each other down. But she couldn’t play it off now, so she lowered her head and pressed one gentle kiss to his belly. When she glanced back up, he was just gawking at her.

“That’s all you wanted to do?” Mac asked, his tone mildly disbelieving. The only response she could muster was to sadly pout her lips and nod. He rolled his eyes, snorting around a widening smirk. “You’re such a weirdo. I dunno how I fell in love with you.”

That made her laugh, too, and she nestled her cheek against his belly. A little hum escaped her as she enjoyed his warmth, and after a moment, his hand found hers and they clasped them together.

"Did you have a good day?"

He nodded, closing his eyes. "Yeah. Thank you."

After a while, the cold finally got to both of them and they hurriedly threw their pajamas on before collapsing under the sheets together. She curled up on his arm, tangling her legs in his. It felt good to be so close to him now that he was happy, at least a little bit, even if all they were going to do was fall asleep in a bit. Alex really didn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promised happy chapters, i deliver happy chapters. 
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until further notice. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialbusiness to know right when chapters are posted. Thank you for reading, and I appreciate all the comments!


	26. Moments of Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With dozens of new recruits at their backs, the group marches across the Commonwealth to take back the Castle and recreate the pride of the Minutemen. Alex takes a few dings in the battle, so she and Mac bunker down for a few days to heal. But one night, she discovers that he has a lot more healing to do than she thought.

**-Alex-**

Huge, stinking puddles of acid seared the grass all around her as she slid her back down the wall and fired into the face of another hulking mirelurk. A high screech bounced off the walls as the first shot from her revolver blew its eye to hundreds of slimy pieces. The second bullet lodged in the center of its head, and yet, it kept coming. One overgrown claw pulled back, readying to shatter her other arm, when someone else’s bullet pierced the side of its head and finally sent it careening to the ground at her feet. Irradiated, blue blood and seawater oozed beneath it, coating what was left of the dying grass, but Alex tore her eyes away as both Preston and Mac huddled at her sides.

“I think I broke my arm!” she cried, limply holding up her left forearm. It was already starting to swell, and her shoulder twitched as they looked her over.

“Shit, look at her leg, she’s losing blood! Get her out of here, MacCready!” Garvey shouted. He gestured hurriedly toward the open doorway, then jumped up to return to the fight.

The gigantic mirelurk queen groaned as someone fired a missile directly into its chest, but even that wasn’t enough to bring it down. She didn’t have much time to look, though. Mac was already forcing her up from the ground, supporting her weight the best he could as he dragged her into the crumbling fort. Muddy piles of eggs squelched under their boots, some of them trembling as they passed. A small group of hatchlings squealed as they turned a corner and he left her to lean against a wall as he stomped and kicked them away.

Panic was starting to creep onto his face beneath all the blood and sweat. He glanced down the next hall, searching for anywhere to take her to get away from the fight. “I think there’s a door over that way! Can you keep walking if I hold you up?”

“Yeah, let’s just hurry. I really need a stimpak…” Her jaw clenched as the wound in her thigh began to throb. Thankfully, the bullet had only grazed her, but it was still open to the salty air and the mud she had been slipping around in.

The pouch on his thigh accidentally brushed against her wound as he guided her towards a set of thick wooden doors and she cried out at the pain, startling him a little. A stream of hurried apologies and the creak of the door was all she heard before a towering softshell lurk skittered up behind them. Its claw flashed over their heads, scraping hard into the wood of the door as Mac ducked and shoved her inside. Then the butt of his rifle smashed just below its head, giving him enough time to steady the gun and fire a shot. The piercing sound echoed painfully against the narrow stone hallway and she clapped her hands over her ears as a second shot rang out.

Splattered in bits of shell and blood, he raced inside and heaved the door shut, blocking out another small group of mirelurks that were coming to investigate. One of them slammed against the door with a loud crack, but it held strong even as the others hit it with their claws. They both scrambled away from the door to a long table near the middle of the room, with just the light of her Pip-Boy to see by.

“I really need a stimpak, Rob… The bleeding isn’t stopping,” Alex breathed, tumbling back into a chair. Blood began to pool on the floor as her head spun, and she could barely even help as he tried to pull the fabric of her pants back enough to see the wound. She flinched as he stabbed a stimpak into her thigh, but the first dose only stopped the bleeding and he had to stick her with a second one to get it to start healing.

“What else? You said your arm? Let me see it,” he said, tossing the empty syringe onto the table.

“I think my arm is broken, yeah, but my shoulder really hurts. I can’t move it much.”

Mac carefully opened her Pip-Boy and slipped it off her wrist before placing it on the table. The green light washed over her left side as he lifted himself from the floor to look, humming a sympathetic noise in his throat. Her forearm wasn’t particularly bent or nasty looking, but she was sure it was fractured at least. That shoulder was a completely different story, though. Just brushing his hand against it elicited a pained cry, and he gingerly removed a bit of her shirt to get a better look.

“Your shoulder’s out. Collarbone, too. Looks pretty bad. You want me to try to get it back in, or you wanna wait for Garvey to bring a doc?” he asked, pulling a couple rolls of gauze from her med pouch.

“The doc. It’s pressing on a nerve, I think. I can’t really feel my arm and I’d rather that not be permanent,” she said, gritting her teeth. Another stimpak poked into her forearm, right in the center of the swelling, and he immediately started wrapping it up tight. “Okay, no more stimpaks, though. Three was plenty.”

“I wonder if those lurks are still out there. It sounds like most of the fighting sto-“

Something shuffled out in the hallway, making them both freeze and reach for their guns. A shout echoed from somewhere far away, probably out in the courtyard, and then the door shoved open with a loud creak.

“Hey! They’re in here!” Preston shouted behind him, waving someone over. Then he threw his musket over his shoulder and beamed at them. “We did it, General! I can’t believe it! The queen’s dead and the Castle finally belongs to the Minutemen again!”

“We can celebrate later, but right now she needs a doc,” Mac demanded curtly. He immediately set back to work splinting her arm, not bothering to speak with Preston any further.

“Valentine, Lewis, go get the doctor! Quick!” Preston turned back to them, lowering his voice as he continued, “We need to move her out into the light. Did you get the bleeding under control?”

Both of them nodded at Preston in reply, and Mac started picking their supplies back up. “I’ll wrap your leg in a second, Alex. Can you walk?” he asked, frowning.

“Just help me up.”

“Take it slow, there’s no rush. Garvey, can you grab that chair? I don’t want her sitting on the floor.”

All three of them wandered down the hall into some sort of utility area. Sunlight streamed in from the wide-open doorway, illuminating the whole space. Behind them, Preston brought along the blood-soaked chair and set it down by an old metal rack filled with chems and supplies. Mac eased her back into it as Preston glanced out at the courtyard.

“I should go wait for the doctor to return. Is there anything else you need, General?” he asked, tipping his hat back.

She shook her head, trying not to let her face screw up too much as her shoulder throbbed again. “No thanks. Tell him to hurry if he can, but it’s not life-threatening.”

As Preston went jogging across the courtyard, Mac scooted her back against the wall and repositioned one of the shelves to create a bit of privacy. The gauze and antiseptic were placed on the shelf before he stooped to his knees to unbutton her pants, then cautiously wiggled them out of the way. Alex hissed through her teeth as a scrap of fabric rubbed against the wound, and he pushed it away, whispering a hurried apology. Then he dabbed a good bit of the antiseptic on the graze and cleaned the blood away, taking great care not to be rough. Nearly half the roll of gauze was used up, and she made a mental note to buy or scavenge some more before the end of the day.

“Alright, that’s taken care of, googly eyes,” he said, smiling as he finished up. When she tossed him a little pout, he chuckled and slipped his hands beneath her shirt. “You got anymore boo-boos I need to kiss?”

 _“Noooo!_ I don’t! You’re tickling me!” she squealed happily. She tried pushing his hands away with just one arm, but it was no use.

The flannel shirt slid up to the top of her belly and he studied her pale skin before leaning in for a smooch. A silly glare twisted her face as he grinned up at her, still hugging onto her hips. She shook her head when he pouted his lips, as if he was going to kiss her again, and then he quickly ducked his head to blow a raspberry above her belly button.

“Stop! What’s wrong with you?!” she cried out, trying not to giggle. Her good hand pushed his forehead back, but that only made him give her an even toothier smile. “The doctor is gonna be here any minute, now help me pull my fucking pants up!”

“Yes, ma’am. I’m just glad you didn’t turn into mirelurk food.” Mac stood and helped her up a bit so they could slip her pants back on, and he tugged her shirt down once she’d buttoned her pants. As she sat down again, a frown pulled his lips. “Where’s your rifle at?”

She gasped, having completely forgotten about it. “I set it down on the ground after my arm broke. I couldn’t get it over my shoulder with only one hand. Can you please go look for it? It should be near the radio tower!”

“I’ll go look when the doc ge-“

“No, please go look now! I don’t want anything to happen to it! I’ll be fine, promise…”

“Alright, alright, I’ll go right now!” he said, raising his hands up. His eyebrows pulled down as he started to walk away. “What did it look like again?”

“ _ROB!_ Please, just go!” Alex shouted, exasperated. He laughed quietly as he left, but she didn’t think it was very funny. Even though that gun had belonged to Nate during his time in training, it meant a lot to her, mostly just because she’d carried it with her for so long.

Before he got back, the gray-haired doctor shuffled into the room, followed by Preston, Nick, and Piper. They all seemed pretty exhausted after such a harrowing battle, Nick included. As the doctor set to work fixing her shoulder back into place, her friends smiled at her and offered their congratulations for a job well done.

“So, Blue, any exciting plans for decorating this old place?” Piper joked, leaning casually against one of the racks.

“I was thinking of a mermaid theme, to tell you the truth. Coastal cottage type deal,” she said, getting a laugh out of the three. “I mean, if you’d like to try your hand at interior design, your help would be welcome. We’ve got to flesh out some bunkers, a mess hall of some sort, a clinic. It’s not a small job for a place this big.”

“You know, I might have some contacts that would be willing to lend a hand. Rebuilding, moving furniture, that sort of thing. And some of them may even stick around,” Nick said. He clasped a cigarette in one hand, bringing it to his lips. “All you’ve got to do is say the word.”

“Preston, would you be okay with that?” Alex asked. A pop announced her shoulder returning to its proper location and she flinched as pain shot up and down her nerves, though a dose of Med-X quickly brought it down to a more manageable level.

He nodded, looking a little confused by the question. “Of course, General. Help is always appreciated, even with the number of recruits we’ve already got. And now that you’ll be out of commission for a few weeks with those wounds of yours, extra bodies would come in handy to help you set things up around here. I’m sure you would… well, you _and_ MacCready would like a room to yourselves.”

Footsteps echoed in through the open doorway and she craned her neck to see Mac returning. The rifle was held up in his hands as he joined the group, a little smile on his face. A sigh of relief escaped her as he propped it up against the wall, close enough for her to see how much mud it was caked with. Yuck.

“Alright then, Nick, you can call them over. We don’t have caps to spare, but we can pay them with a place to sleep and some food and ammo.” She quietly thanked the doctor as he stood and scooted out of the corner, done with her for now. “Preston, do you know if there’s some sort of storeroom left? Or an armory? We’re going to need a bigger ammo stockpile to go after the Institute.”

“I was thinking about that, too. Like I told you before, I’ve never been inside here myself, but apparently word has gotten out to some of the old Minutemen, ones that might know more. One of the couriers actually said to be expecting a former recruit of General McGann,” Preston answered, shrugging incredulously. “I don’t think I’ve told you much about him, but he was the last General to hold down the Castle. General Becker took his place, but I already told you about that. Anyway, I guess we’ll wait and see if anyone shows up to give us a tour. In the meantime, I suppose we could look around, try to get an idea of what’s what around here.”

“Well, why don’t we just put MacCready to work sniffing out all the guns?” Piper said, jerking her head toward him. A grin spread on her face as she took a drag from her cigarette.

“Ha-ha, very funny,” he shot back, rolling his eyes. “Don’t you have an article to embellish, Pipes?”

She scowled at him. “Hey, a little tweaking here and there doesn’t hurt anybody, and it gets the readers interested! Not like I’m changing all the facts up!”

“Sounds like something a person embellishing facts would say,” he mumbled sarcastically.

“Ugh! One day, I’m gonna get you back, MacCready! One of these days!” With that, she threw her hands up and walked out, leaving the rest of the group in stitches.

***

A gasping, shocked cry broke the silence of the darkened room as a searing pain ripped through her thigh. Alex shot straight up in bed, both hands weakly clutching at the bandages wrapped around the angry wound, and she struggled to hold back the little cries that forced their way up her throat. It was bad enough that Mac had been kept awake countless nights, stuck in his thoughts, and she didn’t need to wake him up now and start him worrying over her. She stumbled out of bed as her eyes uselessly tried to focus, then plucked the Pip-Boy from the nightstand. The light was bright, but she directed it away from the bed and went to hunt for another dose of Med-X.

Once she located the syringe in her med pouch, she took it out into the lit, empty hallway, where she could actually see what she was doing. She grit her teeth as she leaned back against the wall and steadied the needle on the inside of her elbow. A pinch, a slight burn, and then coolness. The plunger clicked, indicating she had delivered a single dose out of the four, and she grit her teeth. The pills she took all day long weren’t much better, but she still hated it. Hated having to drug herself, just to pretend to be normal. At least this dose was for an acute problem.

Minor relief slowly spread through her thigh, easing the burn. It was barely enough to get her back to sleep, but she didn’t want to take more. She’d already taken far too much earlier so that she and Ronnie could pick through the armory, and she knew that taking any more would get dangerous. An image of her dying in Mac’s arms made her shove the cap over the needle a bit too roughly, tears blurring her eyes. She would just have to make do for now.

The door squeaked when she pushed it back open, allowing light to flood over the table in the center of the room. Technically, this was the command room, but seeing as there were no other private rooms for them in the ground level of the fort, they had decided to plop a bed down against the back wall anyway. Plus, they could protect the underground tunnel from curious intruders. The Pip-Boy light flickered back to life as she crept into the room, tracing her path back to the bed with her eyes. As she started to shut the door behind her, it squealed even louder, and her eyes flashed back to the bed.

Both sides were vacant, the blanket pushed down and piled up at the foot of the bed. Panic started to rise in her chest when she flipped the light on to see that no, Mac really _wasn’t_ there. The bed, the couch, the armchairs, everything was empty.

Alex raced back out into the hallway, racking her brain for any spot he could possibly be. The restroom came to mind first and she took off in that direction, hurrying as quickly as her thigh would allow. The green light on her wrist lit up the poor excuse for a bathroom as she called his name out, but no one was there. Next stop was the kitchen, but it was dark and quiet, too. She asked a few of the night guards patrolling the ground floor if they had seen him, but every one of them just shook their heads.

The worst possibilities crowded her mind as she went back to the bedroom to take inventory. All the guns were there and her pills seemed untouched. Thank god. But it barely stopped her tears from spilling down her cheeks as she tried to force her mind to come up with any other places he could be. He was good at finding hiding spots, and she was good at finding his spots, but they’d only been at the Castle a few days. That wasn’t enough time for her to notice every single one. A sob ripped at her chest as she gazed around the room, begging even the fucking furniture to tell her where he had gone.

The tunnel. Her eyes grew huge as she stared at the door at the bottom of the steps, at the sliver of amber light that peeked around the edge of it. All those stony, underground tunnels must have held dozens, no, _hundreds_ of hiding places for Mac to wedge himself into. A smile tugged at her cheeks when she imagined him curled up down there with a stack of comics and she swiped the last few tears from her face as she padded down the steps.

There wasn’t much to guide her, so she cautiously wandered the cold halls as her eyes snapped around, trying to pick up every little detail in the dim light. A few ancient bunkers and utility rooms were passed by first, and then she started poking into some of the smaller, narrow tunnels and odd side rooms. Down one particularly wet and skinny hallway, a noise made her hesitate. At the end, a stone half-staircase wound down into what must have been an old storeroom. Several large bricks had been knocked out of the wall, and she silently dropped to the floor, peeking in through one of the holes. Some wooden barrels took up space here and there by the steps, but another crackly noise made her startle and peer down to her left.

Curled up against the wall, Mac sat with his back half-turned to her, a box of snack cakes in his lap. He was completely oblivious to her presence on the other side of the wall as she watched tears quietly slide down his face. She thought back to earlier that evening, remembering how he had seemed perfectly fine. Happy, even. They were laughing and carrying on as they sat at the top of the Castle wall, tossing back some beers and sniping a couple mirelurks. Now, he hugged his knees close as he shoved stale cupcakes into his mouth, one after the other. A candy bar wrapper crinkled as he lazily tossed it into a pile with at least a dozen others, and Alex chewed her lip as she watched him already reaching for another box of snacks.

The sound of her foot brushing against the top step made him jump, just like the first time she’d caught him weeks before, back at the farmhouse. Except now, there was nowhere to hide the box in his lap, the empty wrappers, or the pile of candy beside him. His cheeks paled at first as he swallowed thickly, and then they burned with a deep blush. As she padded toward him, he jerked his head down, trying to hide his quivering lip.

“What are you doing here?” he spat, pushing the box out of his lap. A little stuffed brahmin toy had been resting beside it and he stuffed it inside his coat.

“You weren’t in bed, so I came to look for you,” she said quietly. A hand reached out to pat his shoulder, but he pulled away from her. “Is everything okay, sweet pea?”

“I’m fine. Now, go away.” Mac clenched his jaw hard as he crossed his arms over his chest, his tear-stained cheeks still bright red. Despite what he’d said, she eased herself to the cold floor in front of him and gave him a sympathetic smile. He met her eyes for a brief second and exhaled loudly. “Go. _Away_. Alex.”

She shook her head as she placed a hand on his knee. “I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me. You don’t have to explain anything. I’m not upset with you, alright? All I want is to make sure you’re okay.”

“I don’t want to _talk_ about it. It’s none of your business,” he growled, his lip curling.

It hurt her a little to hear that, but she tried not to let it show. Instead, she rubbed his knee, trying to calm him down some. “This?” She nodded toward the candy. “You don’t have to talk to me about that if you don’t want to. I just want to know how I can help.”

“Alex, just go. I really don’t want to talk about it. You shouldn’t even be here.”

They sat in silence for a long time, with him stewing in shame as she patted his knee, refusing to budge even an inch. When he seemed to have calmed down a little, she scooted closer and stroked his arm. He avoided looking into her eyes the whole time, even when he finally opened his mouth to speak.

“I had a dream about Duncan… Well, more of a nightmare, I guess. I went to take a walk, but even after an hour… two hours, I don’t know… I couldn’t shake all those feelings. Like he had just died all over again, but worse,” he mumbled, barely above a whisper. Then he sighed, baring his teeth in an awkward, pained frown. “It was too much. I tried to go back to sleep a couple times, just to get away from it all, but part of me was… terrified that the dream would come back. The more I tried to push it away, the worse it got, and I couldn’t stop seeing that damn bedroom. After a while, I… dunno... I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“You know you can always come get me, right?” she asked softly, rubbing his back.

He nodded. “Yeah, but I didn’t want to keep you up again. And I really didn’t want you to worry anymore about me.”

“It’s okay, I can always sleep in. You’re way more important than me being a little tired, or worried, or whatever.” She paused, but he didn’t say anything else. Oh well, some sleep might clear his head. “Hey, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. How about we go back up to bed?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep,” he said, his brow furrowing.

Alex took his hand in hers and squeezed it gently, trying to reassure him. “I’ll be right here if you have another nightmare.”

Once he’d picked everything up and placed it back into a hiding spot in the brick wall, he helped her to her feet and gestured weakly to the stairs. She went ahead, though she only took a few steps before she realized he wasn’t following. Still standing near the wall, Mac chewed at his thumbnail, looking quite anxious as he glanced back at the bricks. He must have noticed that she’d stopped, too, because he shrugged and let out a tired sigh.

“C’mon, baby, I won’t move them. Promise,” she offered, holding out a hand. There was probably a pack of cigarettes in his coat, so she made a mental note to let him stop outside for a smoke before they went to bed.

But he only shook his head and gazed up at her face for a second, looking painfully embarrassed. “It’s- I mean- Ah, it’s just that I don’t normally get interrupted. It’s not… easy to stop.”

“What do you mean? How many other times have you done this?” She hadn’t meant to be accusatory or cruel, but it was too late to change what she’d said once his brow pulled down into a piercing glare.

“I told you it was none of your business!” he snarled. “If all you’re going to do is treat me like shit because of it, then _get out!”_

“No, no, no! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it that way!” she cried out, covering her mouth with her hands.

“Well, too bad, cause it’s out there now! You must think I’m fucking pathetic!”

She frantically shook her head, nearly ready to cry at her mistake. How could she have been so stupid? “No, I don’t think that at all, Rob! I’m so sorry, I swear I didn’t mean it that way. Please don’t be angry with me. I’m sorry!”

Something, whether it was her terrified apology or another thing entirely, suddenly made him sigh and drop his gaze to the floor. He crossed his arms, shrugging one shoulder. Alex took a deep breath as she watched him, wondering if she should go on or keep her mouth shut now.

“I know you’re still struggling, and I am really sorry for asking like that. You said you didn’t want to talk about it, so… I don’t need to know,” she murmured, holding her hands up. “If you ever do need to talk, though, I’ll try to do better.”

“It’s okay, I know it was an accident. I shouldn’t have gotten so pissed at you, but like I said, it’s hard to stop. Makes me jittery, you know? Like when you need a cigarette real bad.” His voice was low and he still didn’t look up from the floor as he shrugged again. “I sometimes get like that before, too. All jittery… Anxious. A cigarette doesn’t cut it when it gets bad, so I have to… y’know. It makes me feel better for a while, and then… Well, I just feel ashamed of myself, I guess. And then I think I won’t get that feeling, that need anymore, but it always comes back eventually. Sometimes it goes away for a long time, a couple months or a year. And other times, I get it nearly every night, but most of the time I drink instead. It’s just easier.”

“I’m sorry, sweet pea. That must be horrible to deal with all the time,” she said kindly, stepping across the storeroom to take his hand. She really didn’t know what to say, though. At least, she didn't know the  _right_ thing to say.

He squeezed her hand tight, meeting her eyes as he continued, “Please don’t tell anyone else, okay? It’s embarrassing, and you’re the only person to know, besides Lucy.”

“Oh, of course, I won’t tell anyone.” Alex patted his hand, then looked up toward the hallway. “C’mon, I’ll help you try to relax so you can get some sleep. It’ll be morning before long.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor mac, he deserves better ways to cope. alex knows a lot of stuff on how to help, but not really with this, so it's back to never leaving him alone for long. also, i did a lot of ED research while planning and writing this chapter (and chapter 24, and the meta i did on the whole deal), so have some links:
> 
> something-fishy.org & web4health.info/en/index-ed.shtml (Two that I used the most and that contain a ton of info); anred.com; nationaleatingdisorders.org; namedinc.org (For men with EDs)
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until CH30 is posted. Subscribe (you can now subscribe to the SERIES!), bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted. Thank you for reading! Your comments are always appreciated, anon or not!


	27. Guilty Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex returns to the Institute, now General of the Minutemen, with over 100 troops at her back. But Preston discovers what she did to turn the Institute against her in the first place, and he's not too pleased with her decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter is here if you'd like to listen along. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPArO-OI_3U)

**-Alex-**

“Alright, General, here’s the pulse charge. Keep it safe. It’s the only one we have,” Preston said, handing her a strange box covered in wires. “Sturges will remain here to coordinate the units relaying in. Myself and these two units will follow behind you and MacCready. Do you know if there’s an evacuation program we can spring now?”

Alex shook her head as she carefully tucked the charge away into a side pouch on her power armor. That big, red button was dangerously uncovered, but there wasn’t much she could do about it. They were inside the Institute, and they needed to move fast if they wanted to keep as many people alive as they could. “Not that I know of, but the Director’s office might have something like that. I mean, we could go ahead and just… _announce_ it.”

“I suppose that would work for now. Sturges! Once you hack into their communication system, make an announcement for evacuees to come up to the relay. Just make sure all of our units are mobile first,” he called out. Then, Preston pulled his rifle into his arms and gestured for the lieutenant colonel to come forward. “Alright, General, lead the way. We’re all following you.”

With MacCready, Preston, and the lieutenant colonel at her sides, and about 50 Minutemen following behind, Alex led them down the steps and through a side door. It wasn’t exactly possible, or even good tactics, to storm the place from the glass elevator in the courtyard, so they all filed into what appeared to be an ancient, unused lab. A group of synths immediately jumped out of the shadows at them, though the sheer number of guns at her back blew them all away. They wandered through the old robotics lab, blasting Gen 1 and 2 synths to pieces, until a huge assembly room opened up at the end of the hall. Inside, several synths were still patrolling the area, and beyond them, she spotted a waiting sentry bot.

“Hold up!” she cried, raising a fist. The entire group came to a halt behind her and Preston looked toward her, though she couldn’t see his face underneath the power armor helmet. “There’s a sentry in the next room, and the walkways are pretty narrow. Lieutenant Colonel, I want you to hold your unit back while the three of us take care of it. You’re welcome to provide cover fire from the window, but try not to draw it this way.”

“You sure, General? I’ve got 6 other guys in suits that could assist,” he said.

“No, have them stay here and guard this hall, in case we lose the sentry bot. They could help us take out these synths from just inside the doorway, though,” Alex answered. They hadn’t even broken through to the main labs of the Institute, so there was no way she was going to let any of her men go down so early in the attack. A few of them seemed disappointed, but she would much rather hear a couple groans than anything more violent. “Rob, I want you to work on those turrets up there along the ceiling and the walls. I’m going to throw a pair of grenades to try and damage some synths or one of the sentry’s legs, but Preston, don’t wait for me to start firing.”

Both of them nodded, and she slipped two grenades from her belt as Preston got into a good position. The synths had evidently heard them, wandering up and down the assembly floor with their laser weapons out, but the shadows were still keeping them well covered as they crept out of the hallway. Mac aimed at the nearest turret and fired a shot just as she pulled the pin on the first grenade and lobbed it across the room. The second grenade followed a similar path, but all the commotion immediately gave away their position. Preston beat her to the first synth, blowing a hole through its face, and she aimed at a Gen 2 that was racing up alongside them. Sparks flew in all directions, but what really caught her eye was the sentry bot whirring and hissing to life. Its red laser flooded the darkened factory corner as it scanned around it, searching for whoever had intruded on its space.

“Sentry’s awake!” Mac shouted. He took off for a spot with fewer synths as the turrets chased him down. Their blue lasers burned holes in the steel tiles at his feet, but even in power armor, he was quick enough to avoid them. Explosions were raining pieces of plastic and metal from overhead as he continued shooting them down, one by one.

From the windows behind them, the small group of power armored Minutemen took aim at the synths, freeing her and Preston up to take care of the sentry bot. It crashed through a small group of Gen 1’s, not even bothering to look out for them anymore as it finally spotted her. Alex leapt up onto one of the assembly lines as her minigun started to spin up, but that didn’t stop it. The thing had a minigun of its own, and bullets started flying at her before she even knew what was happening. They bounced off of her armor with hundreds of metallic thuds and clinks, and she was infinitely grateful that she had decided to wear power armor in the first place. As she jumped from one belt to another, she turned her gun on the thing and unleashed her own barrage of gunfire.

Preston hopped around on the opposite side of the factory, blasting its back in a lick of flames. The heat quickly triggered a cooldown and the sentry bot hunched over as steam poured from its fusion core chamber. That was more than enough of a shot for her to move in closer and empty dozens of rounds into it, finally beginning to pierce its armored front. With the last of the turrets taken care of, Mac fired two shots, one into each of the sentry’s cores. That triggered a huge explosion, throwing her back off the conveyor belt as she scrambled to get away. Another belt crunched under her suit, crushing the steel into something more like a bent toothpick.

“My bad, Alex. I didn’t see you standing so close to it,” Mac said, his voice coming in over her radio.

She chuckled as she pulled herself up and retrieved the minigun that had fallen to the floor. “Don’t worry about it. I’m still alive.”

“General, the other units are starting to file in behind us. Should we move ahead?” the lieutenant colonel asked, stepping into the assembly floor.

Preston was already trying to move the burnt sentry bot aside, and Alex jumped up to help him. “Yeah, yeah, as soon as we get this shit moved. How many units are here? All of them?” she said.

“Yes ma’am, all units have arrived and the other lieutenants are awaiting your command.”

“Have them move to the front. As soon as we get into one of the research labs, let them know that they’ll be going straight to their assigned areas.” She nodded at him as he turned to go, and then she joined up with Preston and Mac again. They followed close by her sides while the dozens of Minutemen filed in from the hallway, arranging themselves by their assignments.

Overhead, the intercom crackled and a familiar voice came on. “This thing on… Oh. Well, heh, listen up everybody! Consider this your official evacuation announcement! All civilians and Gen 3 synths are advised to follow evacuation protocols and prepare to relay outside the Institute.”

“General, we should get to the Director’s office as soon as possible to initiate evacuation protocol. I have a feeling Sturges’ warning isn’t going to provide the civilians much direction,” Preston said as they poked their heads into a hatch at their feet.

“Agreed. But it’s a start,” she replied, nodding. “Now, looking at the map, it looks like the BioScience division is through this hole and up the hallway. I don’t know how many researchers are going to be filing out, but remember, don’t shoot unless shot at. We’re not the Brotherhood, we’re not here to judge anybody. If they don’t want to join the fight, don’t force them to.”

A chorus of ‘Roger that, General’ went up over the radio as she hiked the minigun up from the floor again. With nearly 120 Minutemen at her back, Alex waved an arm forward and led the march down the darkened hall, teeth bared and ready for another fight. Chanting amongst the group fired up, quiet and broken at first, until the entire battalion suddenly broke out into a fearsome, thundering war cry.

_“To the town of Agua Fria rode a stranger one fine day - Hardly spoke to folks around him, didn't have too much to say - No one dared to ask his business, no one dared to make a slip - The stranger there among them had a big iron on his hip - Big iron on his hip”_

Someone began blasting the song over the radio, much to everyone’s delight, and their footsteps against the metal floor sounded almost like clapping. At the end of the hall, Alex forced her way into the research lab through sheer force, ripping the sliding door back to reveal a room full of shrieking, terrified scientists. A small group of coursers and even more Gen 1 synths pushed through the crowd to get to her, but they quickly realized that they were heavily outnumbered.

_“It was early in the morning when he rode into the town - He came riding from the south side slowly lookin' all around – ‘He's an outlaw, loose and running,’ came the whisper from each lip – ‘And he's here to do some business with the big iron on his hip’ - Big iron on his hip”_

Between her minigun, Preston’s new flamer, and the Broadsider that Mac had practically begged to bring along, the synths went down like wilting weeds. Cannonballs lodged deep into the walls, bullets flew from behind her in every direction, and licks of flame ate up plants, gorillas, and synths alike. Screams and robotic shouts melded and echoed all around the huge chamber, practically etching themselves into the ceiling with how loud they were. A laser blew past her, just barely missing her shoulder, and a gurgling cry made her turn to see the first of her men go down with a burning blue hole in the center of his chest.

_“In this town there lived an outlaw by the name of Texas Red - Many men had tried to take him and that many men were dead - He was vicious and a killer, though a youth of twenty four - And the notches on his pistol numbered one and nineteen more - One and nineteen more”_

A courser disappeared before her eyes and grabbed hold of her arm, trying to wrench the minigun from her grasp. It was strong, there was no doubt about that, but the raw anger of being back in that place gave Alex the strength to fling the courser onto the floor with a sickening crack. That didn’t interrupt its stealth field, though the wavering movement of the steel tiles gave its position away just fine. Her knee came up as high as she could bring it before she stomped hard into the courser’s chest, artificial blood exploding across the neat, white room.

_“Now the stranger started talking, made it plain to folks around - Was an Arizona ranger, wouldn't be too long in town - He came here to take an outlaw back alive or maybe dead - And he said it didn't matter - he was after Texas Red - After Texas Red”_

Across the lab, Preston frantically waved his arm in the air. “General! We need to trigger the evacuation order! The other units will take care of the synths, we just need to move!” he shouted, his voice coming in loud and clear over the radio.

“Understood, Colonel! Help round up the rest of the unit! We’re moving out into the courtyard!” she called, throwing synths aside as she ran to the door. Most of the Gen 1’s crumbled the minute they hit the floor, creating small craters in the tiles. “Rob, Preston, stay next to me!”

_“Wasn't long before the story was relayed to Texas Red - But the outlaw didn't worry; men that tried before were dead - Twenty men had tried to take him, twenty men had made a slip - Twenty one would be the ranger with the big iron on his hip - Big iron on his hip”_

Crowds of nervous civilians were piling into the glass elevator, desperate to get away from the all-out war that was being waged. Many of them cowered as she led her men into the courtyard and began mowing down more coursers that believed they were a match for the Minutemen. Streams of blood coated the vibrant, green grass and bloomed in the clear river, clouding the water with its filth. One particular courser thought it could outsmart her, but she was much quicker this time and threw the thing by its neck, smashing its spine into a million pieces against the wall. On her right, another cannonball exploded through the hallway, bowling down an entire line of synths heading their way.

The sound of gunfire still echoed throughout the Institute as Alex reached the top of the steps and forced open the doors to Father’s living quarters. But the room wasn’t empty, and she froze as Justin Ayo, head of the Synth Retention Bureau, turned to flash her a sinister smile.

_“The morning passed so quickly it was time for them to meet - It was twenty past eleven when they walked out in the street - Folks were watching from the windows; everybody held their breath - They knew this handsome ranger was about to meet his death - About to meet his death”_

“So nice of you to join us again, Alexandria. I really didn’t think you’d be able to escape my synths, but you’ve proven yourself to be quite the markswoman,” Ayo mused, disdain dripping from his voice. “You seem surprised. Did you think no one would take Father’s place after you murdered him in cold blood, and the child synth that he gave to you? I admit, this should have been Dr. Zimmer’s place, but he’s been... disposed of.”

“Shut the fuck up, Ayo. You don’t know what he did to me,” she spat. Her voice wavered a tiny bit when she remembered Preston was still standing beside her, hearing every word that was said.

“Oh, but I _do._ He released you from your prison in the vault. He worked tirelessly to recreate the son you had lost. He invited you into the Institute, offered you something of your old life back, offered you a cure. But you didn’t care. You threw all that away with two bullets.” Ayo clasped his hands behind his back, confident in the face of nearly 50 guns. That evil smirk never left his lips, and Alex could see just how much he had revered Father. Not her son, no, but the synth that had made a mockery of him. “You murdered a child, Alexandria.”

“He wasn’t a fucking kid! He was a synth! You know that as well as anybody!” she screamed, turning the barrel of her minigun towards him. “Now get out of the way, unless you want me to splatter your ass all over the windows.”

Ayo rolled his eyes, obviously not willing to argue over it. “Your army is strong and well-disciplined, for a bunch of savage wastelanders, but I can guarantee you that you won’t win this.”

_“There was forty feet between them when they stopped to make their play - And the swiftness of the ranger is still talked about today - Texas Red had not cleared leather 'fore a bullet fairly ripped - And the ranger's aim was deadly with the big iron on his hip - Big iron on his hip”_

The massive picture windows overlooking the courtyard shattered in a storm of bloody glass, sending Ayo’s body flying back over the railing. He never even had a chance to draw his laser pistol from beneath his coat. Horrified screams came from the courtyard as glass shards began hitting the floor far below.

_“It was over in a moment and the folks had gathered round - There before them lay the body of the outlaw on the ground - Oh he might have went on livin', but he made one fatal slip - When he tried to match the ranger with the big iron on his hip - Big iron on his hip”_

Preston, Mac, and the other Minutemen huddled around the railing, their eyes wide as they stared down at the body full of holes from head to foot. It was the second major win against the Institute, right behind the murder of Father, and half of her army was right there to see it. A wild cheer rose in the silence, echoing in her ears as the evacuation order began to play over the loudspeakers.

_“Big iron, big iron - When he tried to match the ranger with the big iron on his hip - Big iron on his hip”_

***

Bitter, November air whipped through the corridors of the Castle and Preston reflexively pulled his coat tighter. Alex shivered weakly despite the anger that burned through her chest, and she glared at him as he paced back and forth, seemingly better than her. How dare he judge her like this. An exasperated sigh filled the room as he shrugged, finally stopping in front of her to slam his fists down on the table. It made her jump, but she bit her tongue against another comment.

“What were you thinking, Alex?! That’s all I want to know. What was going through your mind that made you think killing that kid was okay?” he bellowed, throwing a hand out. “Father was one thing, but this… This is despicable!”

“You don’t _understand!_ If you’d just listen to me, I’d explain!” she fired back, crossing her arms over her chest to hide her shaking hands.

“Fine, but you’d better have a damn good reason!”

He jabbed a finger at her and stepped back, as if he needed to give her room lest she bite. Why was this even a discussion? That was months ago now, and the synth was dead and gone. There was no bringing it back. Even if she had left it alive, Dr. Li already admitted that she would have deactivated and disposed of it. So, it was a moot point all around.

“They programmed it to be a sort of clone of my son, to trick me into coming there in the first place. Then Father tried to push it on me as some sort of gift. It never would have grown up. It was a glorified robot, nothing more.” Her voice was hard, but she could feel tiny cracks in her anger beginning to give way to sorrow. Alex blinked back tears that threatened to prick her eyes as she continued, “I don’t expect you to ever fully understand, but I couldn’t look at it. It wasn’t my son. He died years and years ago, while I sat in the bottom of that fucking vault across from my dead ex-husband. My ex-husband that forced me into having Shaun in the first place. I _told_ you this.”

Silent judgement weighed like lead on her shoulders as she watched him stroke his chin, either actually thinking about it or just pretending to. That thing had been given to her to do what she wanted with. Father may not have intended it, but she chose to destroy it. If that really made her as bad as the entire Institute, then so fucking be it.

“Did you kill him because you didn’t want to deal with having another child? Because you never wanted one to begin with?” Preston asked, the accusation heavy in his voice.

“Wh- How could you even think that?! That I would just _kill a kid_ ‘cause I couldn’t handle being a fuckin’ parent!” she screamed, unable to keep from lashing out. A sour chuckle bubbled up from her chest as tears began to flow, and she threw herself back in the chair. “You know me, Preston! You _know_ I would do no such thing!”

“Do I know you, Alex? Do I really?”

“Oh, come on! You were the first goddamn person I met when I got out of that freezer, I told you just about everything! You really think I would lie about myself, that I would come up with some façade to fool you into thinking I was a good person when I’m really just some scumbag?”

Preston crossed his arms over his chest, clearly trying to hold himself back from unleashing some devastating remark. His lip quivered as he stared at her, eyes overflowing with contempt, but he remained silent.

“Believe me, I would _never_ _dream_ of killing an innocent person! I sti-“

“And yet, you gunned down an innocent child. Alex, you’re a child killer. And to be perfectly frank with you, I’m disgusted that I ever imagined you would make a good General,” he said. Anger still seethed into every one of his words, although there was also a certain calm about the quiet way he said it.

Oh god, he was right, wasn’t he? It didn’t matter what she knew, or what she felt. It only mattered what other people thought about it, and others weren’t going to see it the way she did. Preston, Piper, Nick, they’d certainly all come together in their decision against her. ‘Child killer.’ The fears she’d been holding onto for months finally broke through the rage that had held it back for so long, and she felt a sob rip the air from her lungs. There was no going back now, no redemption for what she’d done. She had murdered an innocent kid, who only happened to be a synth. At least, that’s what everyone else thought. Tears poured down her cheeks as he opened his mouth to sling more at her, to tear her down to the lowest point that he could.

Seated beside her, Mac had remained silent during their entire exchange, but now he obviously couldn’t take it anymore. The chair squealed across the floor as he jumped to his feet, fists balled at his sides. “What else, Garvey? _Huh?!_ Rip her throat out, I dare you!” he growled.

“Sit down, MacCready, this doesn’t concern you.” Preston held a hand out, trying to shut him up.

“Anything to do with Alex concerns me, too. Now, what was it you were going to say? I’d really like to know,” he spat, raising a fist.

“Rob, please don’t…” Alex whimpered through her crying. She reached out to take his elbow, but he shook her off and stepped around the table.

“So, you agree with her decision, then?” Preston asked, allowing Mac to get quite close. He sneered, crossing his arms again. “I thought you of all people would be on my side here.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think of her decision, because it was hers to make, not mine! And I’m not going to sit here and let you judge and belittle her over it. You don’t know everything she’s been through!”

“I knew I should have warned her to stay away from you, MacCready. She was different when I first met her, before she fell in with the likes of you and those criminals you call friends, and now you’ve gone and warped her! A greedy, cold-blooded killer that fights tooth and nail to get her way, just like _you!_ ”

Mac’s hand flashed up to grip a fistful of Preston’s coat before he yanked the colonel in close, snarling in the back of his throat. “You think you’re better than everyone else, just because you don’t have any regrets?!”

“Get your hands off of me,” Preston demanded, jerking away with a look of distaste.

“Would you really rather she stayed naïve and innocent to all the crap that everyone has to put up with? How long do you think she would have lasted? A month, two months? She never would have lived long enough to become General of your precious Minutemen!”

Alex fought hard against the urge to bury her head in her arms, to block out everything that was happening right in front of her. Another sob pulled at her chest as she tried to reach out, but she was much too far away for her fingertips to brush against Mac’s arm and she let her hand fall limply against the table. This wasn’t his fight, and she didn’t want him to make things any worse than they already were, but she couldn’t reach him and she couldn’t speak, either. So, she gave in then, covering up every inch of her tear-stained face in her hands as the two continued to bicker over her.

“You’re not even on this totem pole, so don’t think y-“

“Now look what you did!” Mac shouted suddenly, cutting the other’s sentence short. His footsteps hurried to her side, and then she felt his hand awkwardly trying to switch from a hard fist into a gentle, stroking comfort. “Just… get out, Garvey! I don’t give a shit what you think about the fucking synth! Get the fuck out!”

Behind her, one of the huge doors creaked open and slammed shut, finally leaving her alone with Mac. It took her a few more minutes to calm down now that they’d stopped fighting, but eventually her crying stopped and her breathing began to even out again.

“Sorry. I know you didn’t want me to get involved,” he mumbled, sounding a little guilty. He breathed a heavy sigh when she didn’t say anything for a while, though he still carefully rubbed her back. “Um, you know I still love you, right?”

“Yes, I know,” she answered, exasperated. “I love you, too, but you’ve got to let me handle things. You know he’s probably going to kick us out now. Although, I guess it’s really my fault…”

He shook his head as he moved to sit in front of her, one hand brushing against her cheek. “It’s not your fault.”

It didn’t sound very convincing and she squeezed her eyes shut to block out more tears. “And you don’t agree with me, either. Everyone thinks I’m horrible,” she whimpered softly.

“I understand why you did it. But if it was my decision, I wouldn’t have done that.” Mac brushed some hair behind her ear, avoiding her eyes as he spoke. “I don’t think everyone thinks that. Garvey might, but screw him. We don’t need the Minutemen anymore.”

Well, he wasn’t the best at making her feel better, but it was the thought that counted. And the fact that, despite her decision and everyone’s thoughts on it, he was still standing right beside her. Fighting for her, even. That was enough to make her swipe her tears away and give him a little smile, knowing that he would be there no matter what happened. Mac smiled right back and leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead.

“You want me to make dinner tonight?” he asked.

Alex sniffed, looking at him in confusion. “I didn’t know you could cook.”

“Well, I never said it would be a _good_ dinner. I can cook, but not nearly as well as you can. I just thought you’d want something other than cold leftovers from earlier.” He rolled his eyes, but the smile never left his face. “I doubt anything would even be left.”

“Yeah, you’re right, dinner is probably all gone. If you really don’t mind, you can cook something.”

Once she had washed her face, they both shuffled off to the dark kitchen at the end of the hall and poked around for some ingredients. There was just about anything they could have needed stocked up on the shelves, and after he had gathered everything, he told her to sit at the table and wait. She grumbled a little, wanting to make sure he didn’t burn anything or cut himself, but he insisted and sent her away. It was a surprise, after all!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it really hurt my heart to make Preston so mad, but i really couldn't see him letting the detail about synth Shaun fall to the wayside. unfortunately, this is only the very beginning of his hatred for Mac. and i honestly cannot believe we have 3 chapters left after this. 3!! if you enjoyed this fic, i encourage you to subscribe to the series now, so you'll be alerted when i post the next fic. i don't have a timeline for that because i'm going to be taking a break between writing this one and that one (not a long one!!) but i will post updates on my blog when i start writing.
> 
> Updates are every Tue/Fri until Ch30. Subscribe, bookmark, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know right when chapters are posted. Thank you for reading, and please don't be shy with your comments! I appreciate every one of them, anon or not!


	28. Empire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the destruction of the Institute, Alex and Mac find the Brotherhood of Steel crawling all over Diamond City. A small, but deadly scuffle breaks out and the pair hide at the house just outside downtown Boston.

**-Alex-**

A few days passed on the road as the pair traveled back to Diamond City, the insignificance of their encounters feeling a bit eerie after blowing the Institute into the upper atmosphere. Random passersby didn’t recognize her even as Travis relayed the grand, though stuttered, story of the massive explosion over the radio, and raiders still charged at them headfirst, almost like they were begging her to lodge a bullet between their eyes. Not that she wanted to be famous or anything like that. It was just odd that she had prepared to be swarmed, and now all she heard were crickets. Literally. Most people didn’t even realize she was with the Minutemen.

Yes, she was still the General, even after everything that went down. Preston had apologized after coming to terms with her decision and had reluctantly allowed her to stay on so long as she agreed to carry out her duties as a Minuteman without letting Mac have too much influence over her. The request had been difficult to gauge (how much was too much?), but they shook on it anyway and she resumed her rank.

And one of her duties as General was to travel out to settlements and establish radio communications with them. Of course, Diamond City was a bit bigger than a typical settlement they took care of, but it was still important to get Travis on board in case there was ever an emergency. Besides, the Minutemen had helped the city out before, and they could do it again in the future. They just needed someone to _tell_ them when help was needed and over the radio was the easiest way to do that.

Alex kicked a chunk of broken concrete away as they rounded a corner, eyes peeled and ears open wide for any raiders waiting to ambush them. The sounds of gunfire echoed off the crowded buildings up ahead, close to where the gate sat, but that was still fairly usual. Junkyard dogs, raiders, super mutants, and oversized bugs always crawled out of the alleys to attack the guards there, and even heavy gunfire wasn’t necessarily cause for alarm. It wasn’t until they got closer and began hearing the tell-tale sounds of power armor suits clunking around that she started to wonder just what was going on.

“Move along. We’ve got this taken care of. You and the other security officers can go inside the city and wait for further instructions,” some tin can announced, shoving one of the higher-ranking security guys toward the gate.

“You can’t do this! This is still _our_ city, mayor or no mayor!” the officer shouted, nearly threatening to beat the tin-can with a baseball bat.

“I said, _move along_. If you refuse to comply with orders, I’ll have no choice but to use physical force.”

Taking Mac by the hand, she ran over to the officers and looked for any of them she knew. Most were just random recruits that had ended up in this particularly crappy shift. Only one of them, Jimmy, stood out and she waved at him to catch his attention. He seemed hesitant when she caught his eye, but after taking a quick look around, he scooted over to where she stood.

“What’s going on? Why are the Brotherhood here?” she asked, keeping her voice low.

Jimmy huddled in close, obviously not wanting anyone to overhear. “I don’t know what happened right before, but a few days ago, there was a huge explosion across the bridge. The next morning, McDonough was gone! Everyone’s been saying that Piper was right in her paper, that he was a synth. Things were fine with just Danny runnin’ the show, but then these guys showed up,” he mumbled. “Nobody really knows why and they won’t tell us anything. Rumor is that they’re trying to take over the city, and… Well, I know that’s just a rumor, but if they won’t tell us otherwise, what are we supposed to think? Y’know?!”

Well, great. A whole group of soldiers stood around the gate, looking menacing as they shuffled the security officers inside. Danny Sullivan, and anyone else she knew, for that matter, was nowhere to be found. Before she could ask him any more questions, Jimmy and a group of others were shoved past them and through the gate by another soldier.

“What do we do?” she asked, turning back to Mac in a slight panic.

“Come on, you should know how to do this by now!” he chuckled. When she shrugged, he rolled his eyes. “We’re going to get in there one way or another, alright? Just let me do the talking.”

She followed behind as he walked straight up to the gate, very nearly getting all the way to the steps before someone called out to stop them. Another tin can stomped over a little louder than necessary, looking flustered and annoyed that he had been caught not doing his job. He towered over them and gave each of them a good once over from head to toe. Alex shot Mac a side-glance, wondering what the hell he was waiting for.

“No one is allowed inside while we secure the city. You’ll have to move on to that shit-hole across town if you want to sell anything,” he barked, glaring at them. Was that supposed to be his look of authority?

“You sure? No one but you saw us over here…” Mac kept his voice down and confidently held up a roll of caps as he smirked. “We won’t be long. Just wanted to stop for some noodles.”

“I have strict orders, _merc_. Now, move along, before I have to make you leave.”

Surely, that should have been the end of it, but Mac wasn’t quite ready to give up. He quickly dug another roll of caps from his pocket and offered them up. The tin can sighed heavily, gritting his teeth. Oh, they were going to get it now…

“Care to explain to me what’s going on here, soldier?” The voice boomed over the sounds of power armor and dirty jokes as another guy stomped up on her right, looking absolutely pissed at the situation.

“Uh, n-nothing… Paladin Danse, s-sir! I was just telling these two to head to a different settlement!” the tin can stuttered, practically shaking in his suit. “They, uh, they offered me a bribe. But I wasn’t going to take it! I swear!”

“I see. Return to your post, soldier. I’ll take over from here.” As the guy raced back to the front of the gate, Danse stepped in front of them and stared down at Alex. “Am I correct in stating that you’re the new General of the Minutemen?”

“Ye-yeah, I am. Is something going on here? I heard that McDonough skipped town, something about being a synth?” she replied, still confused. Her hands fidgeted for something to do, mostly playing with her shirt buttons.

“Is that the only reason you traveled here?”

Okay, so it was pretty obvious that they weren’t getting inside, and they weren’t getting any answers, either. Fine, whatever. Alex crossed her arms over her chest as she tried her best to look authoritative, too. Maybe she could at least annoy the guy enough to get a little bit of information. Like, what they were even doing there in the first place.

“Not really, no. But that’s none of your business,” she sneered. “Now, I want to know what the hell makes you think you can just show up and refuse to let people come and go. Diamond City doesn’t belong to the Brotherhood, last I checked.”

Danse glowered at her. “This settlement is now under our authority. By releasing hundreds of synths and Institute scientists into the Commonwealth, you and the Minutemen have proven yourselves to be a threat to the civilians here and everywhere else. In light of the circumstances surrounding Mayor McDonough’s sudden disappearance, the Brotherhood of Steel has decided to oversee the general welfare of this settlement,” he said, his voice echoing off the tiles. “And I can assure you that you don’t want to get in our way. Compared to the Brotherhood of Steel, your group is miniscule.”

 _“We’re_ the threat? You’ve got to be shitting me!” she cried, throwing her hands up. “You can’t just take over a settlement like this! And no one is even allowed in or out? What about the fucking traders, or travelers stopping in at night?! You’re just going to leave them to the wolves?”

“Travel is not permitted while we secure the settlement, no. But trade and most other regular travel will resume as soon as the civilians are cooperative and a suitable leader from amongst our ranks has been decided upon. Speaking of, I don’t believe you’re being very cooperative.” He frowned and moved as if to grab her by the arm, but she jerked away. “General, I have to ask you and your company to leave. If you aren’t willing to comply with my orders, I’ll be forced to physically remove you both from the premises.”

Mac was tugging on her sleeve, sensible enough to try and pull her away from a fight they would surely lose, but she brushed him off. Too much anger was burning up her chest to walk away, as if they weren’t holding an entire city hostage for the sole purpose of using it against the Minutemen. Piper and Nick were in there, for god’s sake! Dr. Sun, too! She threw a hand out at Danse, a heavy scowl twisting her face, but he sidestepped to get away from her.

“Oh, fuck you! You can’t tell me what to do!” she screamed.

In one swift motion, a laser rifle was pulled from its holster and he shoved it in her face, daring her to make a bigger scene. “You’re going to leave, _now_.”

Alex ripped the revolver out of her belt, pulling the hammer back as she took aim. The barrel landed squarely in the center of his forehead and she fired a single shot, dropping him to the concrete in a spurt of blood before he could even blink. It was so unexpected that all the other soldiers stared at them, eyes wide and jaws on the floor. Not one of them had picked up a gun yet, which gave her and Mac enough time to pull their rifles over their shoulders.

The nearest two soldiers collapsed to the ground as she lodged a single bullet each into the sides of their heads. Shouts and laser shots mingled loudly, echoing around the abandoned food court as she backed out into the open to get away from the group. The few security officers that were still left on the sidewalk jumped up to join the fight, and in the massive scuffle, she nearly lost Mac. His hat ducked beneath a tin can’s arm just as the woman swung at him, and Alex landed another shot in the back of her head before she was able to grab his coat. He looked back at her, eyes wide, and she followed as he sprinted into an alleyway.

“We gotta get the hell out of here,” he shouted, dragging her by the sleeve to the other end of the street.

They ran for a while, the setting sun glancing off their eyes as they passed Hangman’s Alley, then the outer edge of downtown with all of its torn down apartments and blasted houses. It wasn’t until they cleared the empty produce stand at the side of the road that they finally stopped looking back over their shoulders every few feet, terrified that those power armor clad soldiers were chasing right at their heels. The road was as empty in front of them as it was behind them, and they trudged hand-in-hand the rest of the way up to the tall, blue house at the edge of the road.

A little ginger cat with white specks stretched on the porch and greeted them loudly as they climbed the steps. Mac scratched under the cat’s chin while Alex unlocked the door and threw it open to a slightly cramped, yet cozy house. Another cat with a tuxedo coat, Mr. Pickles, mewed as she shuffled inside and dropped her keys next to a tiny, potted mutfruit sapling on the bookshelf.

“Leave Bootsie out there. She’ll be fine under the porch,” she said, holding the door open. Once he came inside, minus the ginger cat, she locked the door behind him and sighed. “Do you think they’ll come find us?”

“It was a massacre out there. I doubt they’ll figure out who really started it,” he answered with a tired shrug.

“Well, what the hell are we going to do now? You heard what he said, they’re trying to take the Commonwealth away from the Minutemen.” She threw her hands up as she wandered into the kitchen and stared aimlessly at the counters. The radio was playing on top of the pantry shelf, its music filling the few moments of silence when he didn’t answer.

_“Man, they said we better, accentuate the positive - Eliminate the negative - Latch on to the affirmative - Don't mess with Mister In-Between”_

A sigh breathed in her ear as he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, and she patted his hand when he propped his chin on her shoulder.

“Don’t get so worried about it. If he wanted to live, he shouldn’t have stuck a gun in your face,” he mumbled, pecking her on the cheek. “How about we go upstairs and shower, and forget all about it for now?”

“Are you gonna shower with me?” she asked, smiling sweetly.

“Yes, of course.”

“Can you wash my hair?”

Mac sighed again, but he nodded. “Yes, I’ll wash your hair, princess.”

**-MacCready-**

_“Whence is that knocking?—_

_How is’t with me, when every noise appals me?_

_What hands are here! Ha, they pluck out mine eyes._

_Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood_

_Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather_

_The multitudinous seas incarnadine,_

_Making the green one red.”_

A thick, paper bookmark slid between the pages as he closed the cover and propped the book up on his chest. _Macbeth._ The title had been illegible before, too caked in fallout and soot to see. But luckily all the pages had been intact, and Alex had gingerly cut them out to replace the entire binding. Now, the black cover was decorated in gold, pink, and blue flowers, with _Macbeth_ written prominently across the top. She’d said that’s how it looked originally, over 200 years ago. It was neat that she could remember and reproduce it after all this time.

That was one of those things, though. A little thing about her that he really didn’t appreciate as much as he should have. They had two whole bookshelves full of re-bound books, with covers as beautiful as the day they were printed, and yet, it was something that he just took for granted. Surprising, considering he had never seen a pristine book before. He was always lucky to find one with a faded, but relatively dirt-free cover, and here were nearly 100 books that she’d collected over the months. Books that she’d given a new face, for no reason other than to make them beautiful again. He let the book fall back on his chest as he sighed up at the ceiling, knowing that he didn’t deserve someone as sweet and gentle as her.

Something tickled against his neck and he quickly swatted it away. Out of the corner of his eye, he suddenly noticed what it was, gasping as he scooped up the stuffed brahmin toy in his palms. It must have popped out of his sweater when he let the book go… He rubbed his thumbs under its big, glassy eyes, as if drying its tears, and then he carefully plucked at its ears. Its stitched mouths smiled up at him and he smiled right back.

_“Daddy, do you think that, um… b- bwa-“_

_“Brah-min?”_

_“Yeah, bwamen. Do you think they tawk to each other? You know, like one head says ‘moo!’ and the other says ‘moooo-OOO!’?”_

_“Maybe they do. Maybe that’s their best friend they’re attached to.”_

_“But you gotta find a best fwiend. And bwamen are born wif two heads already!”_

_“Hm, you don’t think everyone is born with their best friend already decided? And brahmin are the lucky ones, because they don’t have to wait for their best friend to show up one day.”_

_“Ooooh… then who is your best fwiend, Daddy?”_

_“Mom was, I guess.”_

_“Oh. Well, you’re_ my _best fwiend, Daddy. Will you be my best fwiend, too?”_

_“Sure, kiddo. I’ll be your best friend.”_

_“’Moo, moo, moo, I wuv you!’ ...Why are you cryin’?”_

_“It’s nothing, Duncan. Don’t worry about me. Just play with your toys, ‘kay?”_

MacCready covered a hand over his teary eyes as his lip quivered. It had been five months… Five agonizingly long months, every day drawn out by the most intense, aching sadness he had ever felt. Very few things actually made him happy anymore, but he tried to put on the most normal face he could, for Alex’s sake. She tried to be strong for him, he knew that, but she couldn’t stand to see him crying any more than she had stood to see Duncan buried behind the house. Whenever she caught him, she would sob and sob, though she did it privately. In the shower, or when she thought he was napping.

He had thought it would be easier to get over the grief the second time around. But it wasn’t. It was harder.

All he wanted was to feel better, even a little bit, for a time. Just for the sadness to ease for a few hours. There was Med-X, but it only made him sleepy and then the sadness would return as soon as he woke up. Other chems didn’t help, either. Not that he liked taking them. Alcohol was good for when he wanted the thoughts to stop. Cigarettes made his hands stop shaking so bad, when he was too anxious to stay still. But he needed more than all that right now.

The brahmin was stuffed back into his pocket and he tossed the book onto the coffee table before he pulled himself into a sit. He folded his arms on the back of the couch and rested his chin there with a sigh, staring at the other side of the house. Two bookshelves sat to his right, pressed up against the staircase, and a console table stood right in front of him. A fledgling fern sat in a little pot beside some magazines and books that had yet to be organized, and some other junk that Alex had left lying out. Beyond that was the kitchen, with all of its random, colorful decorations. They honestly looked like shit by themselves, but put together, they blended perfectly. Alex had an odd eye for that sort of thing.

The pantry shelf stood tall beside the fridge, separated by a few stacked crates of beer and supplies. Nearly every inch of it was taken up by some box or can. Instamash, soup, Cram, assorted canned fruits and veggies, those weird, whole dinners wrapped in plastic that she had dug out of some locked military crate. His eyes fell on the good stuff, though. Fancy Lads, Sugar Bombs, Dandy Boy apples, homemade sweet rolls packed into old tins, and a dozen different types of candy, all practically shining in their colorful, yet faded boxes and wrappers. Those were the treats he’d always been dying to grab whenever a scav team finally, _finally_ returned to Little Lamplight. He’d trade off whatever random shit he had just to be able to race back to his bedroom, arms weighed down with candy and snack cakes to enjoy when he had time to himself.

He didn’t know if it was the nostalgia or what, but eating that junk always made him feel a thousand times better, at least for a little while. Problem was, it was just too easy to overdo it. A box of 24 cupcakes soon became a box of _no_ cupcakes, and whatever happiness they brought was swiftly dashed by a sense of piercing shame. But despite all the times he’d been through it before, he would still find himself craving that temporary comfort in moments like this. He knew he should resist, he really did! It was just so hard when his heart was ripped into a million tiny pieces…

Well, maybe he could have a little bit, this one ti- No! No, there was no ‘little bit’ once he’d already gotten started, and especially not when there were more boxes than he could count sitting on the shelf.

MacCready bit his lip as he stared longingly at the pantry, his mind going back and forth, trying desperately to come up with some way to make it work this time, so he didn’t have to keep holding onto these horrible feelings. It wouldn’t, though, and he buried his face in his arms as a rising panic built in his chest. Fuck, fuck, fuck! His hands shook as he tried to slide a cigarette out of a stray pack, dumping several into his lap by accident. He pretended not to care as he lit the one in his fingers and took a deep drag. It didn’t help very much.

The couch sighed as he threw himself down on the cushions again, staring up at the ceiling. Alex was upstairs taking a nap, and for a brief moment, he considered going to wake her. She was kind the last time she had found him stuffing his face with candy and he knew he wouldn’t be tempted if she was sitting right next to him. It was too embarrassing. But he didn’t want to bother her _again_ and he also didn’t want to stay close to the kitchen, so he climbed the stairs anyway and stood in the middle of the landing.

Well, he didn’t have many options up here, either. He could take a shower to take his mind off it, but she might hear. There was a giant fucking hole in the wall, after all. So much for privacy. The bedroom was the only other room up here, and then there was the attic filled with medical supplies. He sighed as he crept into the bedroom as quietly as he could, sliding down to sit beside the door. Curled on the bed, she sighed softly and kept on sleeping, oblivious to him as he nervously chewed his nails. Just sitting near her was sorta helpful, but not really, and a little whine escaped his throat as he continued to fail at staying calm.

Maybe if he just took a few out of the box, and brought them back here…

Shit! He brought his knees up to his chest and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes until little stars bloomed behind his eyelids. There had to be some other way, some _better_ way, to deal with this. But what? How?! He hated falling into that trap, and yet he did it over and over again anyway. Nothing seemed to stop him! Well, nothing but the embarrassment that flooded him when someone else saw.

“Alex… Alex!” he called in a half-whisper, standing awkwardly at the foot of the bed.

“Hmmmm? What’s goin’ on, teddy bear?” she mumbled slowly. She breathed a little sigh as she sat up and squinted at him. “Are you alright?”

He frowned as she pulled him to sit beside her. What was he supposed to say? There was no way he was going to flat out tell her what was going on. “I don’t feel good.”

A few seconds went by as she tried to wake herself up more, but messy-haired and half asleep seemed to be about as good as it was going to get. “Yucky or sad?”

“I’m… really sad,” he said quietly. Though, once he thought about it for a moment, he added, “And I guess a bit of both, too.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” She wrapped her arms around him and leaned her cheek against his back. It felt so damn good and he wondered why the hell he didn’t come to her sooner. “I’m sleepy but I’ll try to stay awake and listen.”

He shook his head. “No, not really. I’m sorry I woke you up, I just… wanted to sit with you.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind,” she said, yawning. “I had a dream about going back to Texas. Maybe we should go together. I wanna see what’s there now, and it would be a good vacation, I think. That might be good for you, get away from here for a little while and have some fun.”

“Texas is how far away?”

“ _Far_ away. We can’t walk.”

“How would we get there?” he asked, trying to see her over his shoulder. He’d never really been anywhere except D.C. and the Commonwealth, though he had stopped in at some other random places when he worked the caravans.

Alex shook her head and didn’t answer for a while. For a second, he thought she had fallen asleep, but then she made a little noise. “A car… Not a boat. Maybe… thing.”

Well, this was certainly beginning to take his mind off things. MacCready chuckled as he tried to decipher what the hell she was saying, but it was so mumbled and incoherent, he wasn’t quite sure. And did she really suggest a car? Where would they find a working car?!

“Why… laughin’?” she breathed slowly.

“I’m laughing because you’re cute. Now, where do you suggest we find a car, babe?”

“Outside. Car’s outside.”

That much was true, yes, but now he was wondering if she really had knocked out and was talking in her sleep. “A _working_ car.”

“Car works.”

“Okay, nevermind. Forget I asked!” he laughed, turning around to face her. Of course, she faceplanted in his chest and he patted her back, looking down at the top of her head. “You wanna go back to sleep, babe?”

“Are you hungry?” she asked, after another long pause.

 _“No,_ and you didn’t answer my question,” he said, a bit too harshly. It wasn't like she knew what he was doing there. Sure, she could normally read his fucking mind, but she was at least three-quarters-asleep right this minute. But she never did answer, so he shrugged. “Do you want to go back to sleep?”

Her fists grabbed his shirt surprisingly tight, tugging at the fabric as he tried to lay her down in the bed. “Take… nap with me…”

“Alright, fine, I’ll take a nap with you.”

They curled up on top of the blankets, with her still clinging onto him as she drifted off to sleep. Or… stopped talking in her sleep. Whichever one it happened to be. He couldn’t really fall asleep, though, and he eventually just stopped trying. So, while she exhaled softly against his chest, he pressed dozens of gentle kisses all over her face and wondered how in the world they would get all the way to Texas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gold star to anyone who knows what major scene comes right before that Macbeth excerpt ;) actually that should be a sad winky face but w/e. i don't wanna cry again.
> 
> Ch29 will post this Friday, Sept 22 and Ch30 will post the following Tuesday, Sept 26, and then we'll be all done! Subscribe to the series to be alerted when I post the next fic, which will probably be sometime at the end of October or maybe November. I have a possible surgery coming up (I have the same thing Alex does, syringomyelia!) and if that happens, I'll be without internet for a week or two. If anything urgent happens and I need to leave before the end of this fic, I'll post the remaining chapters before I go, so there will be no cliffhanger!
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting! I appreciate all your comments, anon or not, so please don't be shy! Let me know what you liked, didn't like, loved, hated, etc. etc.


	29. Flames Go Higher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex returns to the Castle to report in on the battle at Diamond City, though Preston and Ronnie aren't too pleased at first. Unfortunately, Mac gets in the way yet again, permanently severing one of her most important relationships.

**-Alex-**

Fresh snow drifts crunched under their boots and paws as they trudged on toward the Castle, looming tall just up ahead. The guard lowered her rifle as they approached, saluting quietly before she hoisted the gate up and ushered them inside. A few bullet holes in the walls told her that some raiders, or maybe super mutants, had tried to pry their way inside, though the bustling atmosphere of the main yard told her that they hadn’t even breached the gate. Thank god for turrets and more recruits than she could count.

They were hungry, tired, and nearly spent on ammo after a two-day journey, but they had business to attend to first. Personal matters could wait. Preston was observing a training, leaning against the bulky, rusted radio equipment and he tipped his hat back with a thumb when he noticed them cutting a path through the yard. With a click of her tongue, she released Dogmeat from his duties and stepped up to the edge of the radio tower.

“General, good to see you again. How have you been holding up?” he asked, a bit awkwardly.

“I’m fine. I uh… don’t suppose you heard about what went down in Diamond City about two weeks ago?” Alex crossed her arms over her chest, subtly trying to hide her shivering. Was it this cold last December, too?

“Word’s been spotty, but I think I’ve heard enough to get the idea.” He turned his gaze on her, searching her face for a hint of what she was going to say next. “Why do you bring it up?”

“Well, it’s mostly all rumors at this point, but I have reason to believe that the Brotherhood wants to wipe us out,” she said, keeping her voice low. No need to get the recruits worried, especially the new ones.

Preston glanced at the ground as he pursed his lips, then gestured for her to follow. Despite what he’d told her last time they spoke, she silently asked Mac to come along, and he obeyed. Together, the three of them made their way into the command room and took their places around the table, with Preston on one side and she and Mac on the other. Preston radioed for Ronnie to join them and after a few minutes wait, the rough female colonel joined them.

“You need to start explaining, General. Right now. I _know_ you were there. I don’t know who started it, but I do know that you - _both_ of you – were seen leaving that battle,” Preston snapped, clasping his hands behind his back.

Alex swallowed and clenched her jaw, trying to keep it together. No need to get upset just yet. “We showed up to establish radio communication, and according to one of the Diamond City security officers, Mayor McDonough skipped town after the Institute was destroyed. Rumor was that he was a synth infiltrator or something,” she said calmly. “Anyway, when we got there, the Brotherhood was already taking the city. No travel in or out, so when we tried to get inside, they told us to get lost.”

“If this was two weeks ago, why’d you wait so long to report in, General?” Ronnie piped up. She frowned, crossing her arms.

“We needed to lay low after what went dow-“

“Well, what ‘went down?’” Preston asked, cutting her off. His brow twitched as he tried not to glare at her, though she could still tell that he was growing angry with her. Or maybe it was the fact that she had brought Mac along, again. “You didn’t start that fight, did you?”

She quickly shook her head and opened her mouth to speak, but Mac stepped in front of her. His temper had evidently already flared as he slammed a palm down on the table and shook a finger at Preston.

“Are you gonna let her explain, or would you prefer that I did?” he barked.

The two men stared each other down for a moment, quietly daring the other to back down first, though neither one seemed to be willing. Alex flicked her eyes up to Ronnie, who was also simply watching everything play out with an amused smirk on her face. She put a hand on Mac’s arm to try to calm him down, but he shrugged her off as he grit his teeth. Obviously, if she wanted anything to happen, she was going to have to be the one to lead.

“Look, I didn’t have a fucking choice. We tried getting inside the city, they told us to leave. So, I asked for some answers and I guess that pissed the tin can off, because he shoved a gun in my face,” Alex shouted, throwing her hands out. “I don’t care how you want to look at it, but I don’t take shit like that lightly. Raider, Brotherhood soldier, whatever. If you stick a gun in my face, you’re fuckin’ dead.”

Preston’s eyes snapped back and forth between her and Mac before he exhaled loudly. “This isn’t the old Alex. _You’re_ not the old Alex. The old Alex would have talked a situation like that down.”

“Yeah, and the old Alex probably would have been dead a long time ago!” she shot back. “You can’t always talk your way out of shit like that, Preston! What do you think, Ronnie? Think you can talk your way out of a laser rifle to the face?”

“Absolutely fucking not. Colonel, I’m going to have to agree with our General on this one. We’ve seen how trigger-happy those shit-for-brains soldiers are, and I’m honestly surprised you came out of that fight with all your limbs intact,” Ronnie said, shaking her head.

Mac finally began to relax at that, and Alex pushed him behind her as they resumed a civil discussion. If he didn’t keep it together, she knew that Preston really would throw them out this time.

“Fine. It was a difficult situation and you didn’t have many good options. Fine, I understand that,” Preston mumbled, unhappy with being outvoted. With a shrug, he seemed to regain his composure. “Did you find out why they were attempting to claim the settlement?”

“The guy didn’t tell me much, but he said that it was basically a retaliation for us evacuating synths from the Institute. The Brotherhood doesn’t believe that we’re here to make the Commonwealth safer. They think the opposite, actually. On par with the Institute, I guess.” She shrugged, then sighed and shook her head. “I’m assuming that isn’t even half of the story, but considering the guy was planning to put me down, it may be a pretty decent summary of their decisions.”

“So, what you’re saying is, we’re at war now with those clowns?” Ronnie asked, raising an eyebrow. “Sounds like it could get fun, if you asked me.”

Preston scowled. “Yes, we’re at war now, thanks to the General.”

“Shut the fuck up, Garvey!” Mac yelled out. Her hand pressed into his chest as he tried to lunge toward the table and that stopped him for the moment, though he still glowered at Preston.

“All I want to know now is why you couldn’t report in for two weeks. The radios were up when you left, so I can’t think of a good excuse to leave us in the dark,” Preston said. He stared at Alex while she thought about it, probably trying to detect a lie.

“We couldn’t just waltz back into Diamond City right after that, and I don’t have a working radio at the house yet. That’s where we were staying the whole time, since we didn’t know if the Brotherhood realized it was us that got involved. So, other than making ourselves a target, there wasn’t a way to report it,” she answered smoothly.

Silence lingered between them for a few moments while Preston and Ronnie processed what she’d said, but thankfully, they seemed satisfied enough with her answer. It wasn’t a lie, that was for sure, but it wasn’t exactly something she could easily prove, either. They weren’t going to take Mac’s word for it. Besides, there was also the possibility that they would get upset with her for not having a good radio yet, although she was working on that. It just took time to find all the right parts. Everyone but Mac seemed to take a deep breath as the conversation moved on.

“Can’t have a war without a few battles, can ya? Sounds like we need to plan our next attack,” Ronnie laughed, her lip twitching up into a smirk. “I’ll be honest, I’ve always hated seeing that ugly, gray blot on the coastline when I’m out for my mornin’ run.”

Alex nodded in agreement. “They’re terrorizing the Commonwealth, and after seeing them crawling all over D.C., I don’t want them thinking they can take over whichever settlement they decide to want next. Not sure how to take down a whole blimp, though.”

“No. We haven’t had any attacks on the Castle or any settlements of ours,” Preston said, shaking his head. “It’s been two weeks now with nothing. The Brotherhood are extremely mobile, so if they haven’t attacked already, I don’t think they will. It’s best to leave this alone.”

“So what if they haven’t attacked us back? That doesn’t mean we can’t keep chipping away at them. Honestly, that’s a good thing, because it probably means that they don’t know we were ever there, and any other attack will basically be a huge surprise,” Alex said, incredulous. “If we hit them where it really hurts, that big-ass blimp across the water, then they’ll be gone for good and won’t ever know what hit them.”

“If they don’t know you were there, then let’s keep it that way. They’re air-headed, entitled bigots, but I’m sure as hell not going to put all my men in harm’s way like that. It’s not a fight we can win.” He crossed his arms over his chest, as if closing the discussion.

“The Institute wasn’t a fight we could win, and we did it with less than 150 guys! Now we’ve got 100 here at the Castle, and at least 200 more scattered across the Commonwealth! We can win this just fine and you know it,” she shouted, jabbing a finger at him.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Alex. More men doesn’t automatically translate into the ability to win a war,” Preston said, his voice hard. “The Institute had synths, but the Brotherhood has vertibirds, power armor, even nukes, for god’s sake! They could have technology we aren’t aware of. They’d destroy us in a heartbeat.”

“Colonel, we’ve got all those things, minus the vertibirds. Synths, power armor, nukes, missiles. Have you forgotten about the artillery that we’ve put up all around this place?” Ronnie snapped.

They all went silent again as Preston and Ronnie stared at each other. Behind Alex, Mac finally seemed to be calming a little as he relaxed his fists and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“What’s the problem, Garvey? Up until now, you haven’t shut up about wanting to take on the Brotherhood,” Ronnie said, throwing a hand in the air. “And now you’ve got your chance, you’re just going to let it blow over? There’s something you’re not telling us.”

He sighed, dropping his gaze to the table. “I don’t believe we’re in this for the right reason, is all. General… You _have_ changed, and not totally for the better. I know you still want to help people out here, but-“

“But what? Preston, do you seriously think that I should be the exact same person that came out of that vault?” Alex asked, biting back her anger the best she could. “The person you met in Concord was fresh from before the war. I’d never had to _survive_ before. Of course, I’m going to be different! Of course, I’m going to have changed! I’m sorry if you thought I was just going to keep being the same old vault dweller, but it doesn’t work that way.”

“It’s not that! But Alex, if you had just stayed with the right people, everything could have turned out so much better. You’re just-“

“What? She’s just _what?”_ Mac sneered as he slipped around her and leaned across the table. “I know you’re about to start that exact same spiel you gave last time, about how _I’m_ the problem.”

“Because you _are_ the problem!” Preston thundered, suddenly angrier than she had ever seen him. “I should never have let her go to Goodneighbor in the first place! You stole her right out from under me and put all sorts of ideas into her head about what the wasteland is, but you don’t know, MacCready! It’s not the wasteland that tears everything apart, it’s people like _you!_ You’re the problem because you want to lie, cheat, and steal your way through life! You’re the problem because you value caps more than a person’s damn life!”

“Oh, fuck you and your white knight bullshit, Garvey! I never told her anything that wasn’t true! You just want to sugarcoat everything and make shit seem like a great big ray of sunshine when it’s _not!_ It never has been! I know that, you know that, everybody in this whole goddamn world knows that the wasteland is a fucking shithole!” he screamed right back. He very nearly jumped over the table and lunged at Preston, but Alex grabbed his arms and held him back while Ronnie moved Preston away.

“Because! Of! _YOU!_ You take parents away from their children, you take people’s spouses away, and you put them in the ground! _FOR CAPS!_ And you sit there and wonder why the hell your whole family is gone! It’s because you ruin everybody else’s!”

That was all it took.

Seething with rage, Mac ripped himself away from Alex’s grasp and vaulted over the table, one fist raised as he grabbed the front of Preston’s coat. Three punches smacked against the side of Preston’s face before he shoved Mac away, but that didn’t stop him from coming back. Another bloody punch sent him careening backwards into the console table as Alex and Ronnie scrambled around the table and shouted for them to stop. As Mac drew close again, Preston threw an elbow out and blocked his fist, then knocked Mac away with a solid punch to the jaw. His fist connected with Preston’s nose again, and when he ducked to avoid another swing, Mac kicked hard against his knee.

“Robert, stop! Right now!” Alex screeched, grabbing a fistful of his coat from behind. She jumped as Preston landed another punch to his face, forcing him backwards into her.

Across from them, Ronnie had also thrown an arm around Preston in an attempt to pull him away from the fight. But Preston suddenly swung his foot out in a wide kick that threw Mac off balance, and in the few seconds afterwards, he tore himself out of Ronnie’s grasp. Alex tightened her hand on Mac’s coat, but it was no use. He tugged away from her and tackled Preston to the ground, pummeling the colonel beneath him. Preston got a few more hits in, though his face was far bloodier than Mac’s by the time the two were finally jerked away from each other.

“That’s the best you can do?! You’re a little bitch, Garvey!”

Alex got right in front of Mac as she shoved him all the way back toward the wall, trembling as he raised a fist again and tried to lurch away. Blood dripped from his nose, another tooth had been knocked out and one was loose, and red marks and scratches covered his cheeks. And yet, he still bared his teeth as he growled, staring across the room with a piercing glare. Behind her, she could hear Ronnie talking Preston down and it sounded like she was getting him a stimpak.

“Rob, shut up! It’s over, stop! Just calm down!” Alex cried.

“Get out! Both of you!” Preston shouted over her, struggling in Ronnie’s arms. “If this is who you want to spend your life with, then you’re unfit to lead, Alex! I never should have trusted you when you started bringing him around! Now, _get out!”_

Their packs were yanked up from the floor as she dragged Mac out by the wrist, silently lamenting the temper that he had let fester since May. Not that he didn’t get unreasonably angry before. It was just that now, his temper was explosive at the worst of times, and he could rarely get a handle on it. Dozens of recruits stared as she stomped down the hall with him in tow, and eventually Dogmeat came trotting up to her side as they reached the gate, obliviously smiling up at her. The guard from before didn’t salute as they left and she slammed the gate shut before they were even ten steps outside the Castle. Well, that solidified it, then.

She and the Minutemen were done for good.

***

_“Silver bells, (silver bells) silver bells (silver bells) - It's Christmas time in the city - Ring-a-ling, (ring-a-ling) - Hear them ring, (hear them ring) - Soon it will be Christmas day”_

The house was decorated inside and out, shining into the upper atmosphere with all of its hundreds of colorful bulbs, much to Mac’s dismay. He had whined the whole time they were stringing the lights and putting up tinsel, going on and on about how it was only going to attract the super mutants and raiders from every corner of the Commonwealth. So, maybe he was right, but thankfully, they’d gathered up some new turrets from a nearby Gunner camp. All six of them chugged along as snow fell over the garden in thick, rolling drifts, which gave them a perfect excuse to stay bundled up indoors where it was toasty warm and stocked with fresh cookies.

Music and the smell of baking Christmas treats filled the kitchen as Alex twirled across the vinyl tiles. A huge smile lit her face as she hummed along to the song, practically back in her little pre-war kitchen. Her red, lace-trimmed apron bounced as she hopped in front of the oven and pulled a pan of sugar cookies out, though they were a little… lopsided. Oh well. There was an entire second tray waiting to bake and plenty of dough leftover. All she had to do was cut out the shapes again.

Mac shuffled into the kitchen wearing the new sweater she’d gotten him, smiling at her cuteness as she brushed flour from the front of her apron. Most of the bruises on his face had faded by now, and thankfully, she’d been able to fix his loose tooth back into place. Showered and freshly shaven, he was looking quite handsome as he leaned against the kitchen counter. With a grin, she hurried over to the pan of misshapen cookies, grabbed one, and held it out for him.

“Here, eat these up. They didn’t turn out, so I have to make another batch,” she said, dropping it into his palm.

“What am I, your dumpster now?” he teased as he eyed the cookie with suspicion.

“They taste fine, they’re just kinda ugly. So, they’re all yours!” She beamed at him as he took a bite and seemed to enjoy it. “I’m gonna make two batches of those and decorate the good ones, and then I’m gonna make chocolate fudge, a mutfruit pie, and a jello if I have time.”

He took a bite from another cookie as he nodded. “How many people are coming?”

“Um, Nick, Piper, Nat, Travis, and Dr. Sun,” she answered, turning back to the batch of cookies coming out of the oven. “See, these are much better! You can actually tell it’s a stocking, and not a dick!”

A choking laugh nearly doubled him over as he wandered across the kitchen to grab a drink, and she giggled as she moved the cookies away to cool. Once he returned, he pressed a bourbon into her hand and leaned against the wall, staring into his own glass.

“So, Garvey’s not coming after all?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alex shot him a look of incredulity. “Not after you punched a hole in his wall while I was there to _apologize._ For _you_ , no less!”

“Well, that’s lame.” He shrugged, though a smirk tugged the corner of his lip up. “Oh well, he was being mean anyway. I hope that… what’s his name? Satan? I hope Satan brings him some brahmin crap for a Christmas present.”

“SAN-TA! You know this, you shithead!” she squealed, smacking him with the oven mitt. Neither of them could stop laughing for a while, and Dogmeat tilted his head as he looked on. “God, do _not_ say that in front of Nat, unless you want Piper to kill you.”

“What about you? You’re just gonna stand there and watch?”

She took a swig from her glass and set it on the counter. “I’ll kill you, too. But slowly. Like those wives you hear about that sprinkle poison in their husbands’ drink every night.”

“O-kay, I knew this was a bad idea from the start…” he murmured under his breath, giving her an exaggerated look of sheer terror. The radio crackled for a second as Travis changed the track, and then more familiar, holiday music floated into the room. He smiled and offered a hand as her eyes grew huge. “Care to dance?”

_“I'm dreaming of a white Christmas - Just like the ones I used to know - Where those treetops glisten and children listen - To hear sleigh bells in the snow, the snow”_

_“Then I, I, I am dreaming of a white Christmas - With every Christmas card I write - May your days, may your days, may your days be merry and bright - And may all your Christmases be white”_

They danced around and around in slow, sweeping circles until the last notes faded out into quiet radio static. Alex dropped her head against his chest, still holding his hands tight, as they watched the evening snowfall through the window. It was so beautiful and relaxing, she could hardly believe that the world outside was still a mutated wasteland beneath all that white. Surely, bright pink and red roses, purple pansies, and yellow daffodils would pop up through the melting snow when it was finally spring.

_“This is Travis ‘Lonely’ Miles, and you’re listening to the coolest radio station in the Commonwealth… Diamond City Radio. Now, I’m sure if you were out and about doing your last-minute holiday shopping yesterday, you got a front row seat to the fireworks show. That’s right, folks, the Brotherhood of Steel’s massive airship went down in a burst of flames big enough to be seen across almost the entire Commonwealth. And the masterminds behind it all, you ask? None other than our favorite Minutemen!”_

Alex’s eyebrows shot up at the news. No one had told her that they were going to finish the job after she left, not even Ronnie, once she had taken the title of General. Well, that was certainly a huge surprise. Too bad she hadn’t gotten a peek; the two of them had probably been napping or something.

“Damn, Garvey actually went through with it, after all,” Mac snorted, shaking his head. “Never would have thought…”

“Just them and the Railroad now. I guess we can wait around to see if they’ll fight the shit out of each other, too,” she murmured, shrugging.

He dropped his gaze to the floor, suddenly looking a bit sad. “I’m sorry. Again. I know you were excited to be General, and it’s all my fault that Garvey kicked you out. I… don’t deserve someone as good as you.”

“Don’t say that, sweet pea! Of course, you do! And it’s okay about the Minutemen, I promise. I didn’t know what I was doing up there. Preston was always the real General.” Alex hugged him tight, trying her best to reassure him. “Come eat some more cookies while I get another batch ready. You can help me decide the icing colors and stuff.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's christmas time~ in september~ okay but seriously, i love love love seeing them do cute domestic things together. i'm writing a couple drabbles, so keep an eye out for those. I may have to create a collection where the series and the drabbles all live together. that might help me stay organized, too. gosh, one more chapter!!!!!! ONE!!!!!!!!!
> 
> The final update is next Tuesday, Sept 26. Subscribe to the series to be alerted when the next fic is posted, or follow my tumblr tag #squintsofficialwriting to know when I post other things. Thank you for reading, and please don't be shy with those comments! I appreciate them all!


	30. Love Me Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas Day in the wasteland and Alex is given a gift she thought she would never receive.

**-Alex-**

“Merry Christmas, baby.”

Mac’s eyelids fluttered open as she gently kissed his cheek, one hand trailing up his chest as she curled herself against his arm. A smile curved his lips and he turned his head toward her, blinking slowly. Alex hummed as she pressed their foreheads together, and he drew her into his arms to brush a kiss against her lips. It was freezing in the bedroom, but she was toasty warm under the blankets with him.

“Merry Christmas,” he murmured back. “Did you sleep okay?”

She nodded, smiling warmly. “Did you? It didn’t seem like you were having a bad dream last night.”

“Nope, didn’t have a bad dream.”

It was the first time in a long, _long_ time that he hadn’t had one, and she was glad for him. Maybe now, he was finally starting to feel better. Less depressed. Though, she was still going to be keeping a close eye on him, just in case. Sometimes he would seem fine all week, and then she would find him silently crying into a glass of whiskey on the roof. So, it was usually best to stay on the lookout, in case anything bad might happen. She gave him another warm, loving kiss as she slipped a hand beneath his thick shirt and felt her way across his belly.

“You want your first present here, or would you rather go downstairs and see what’s under the tree?” she purred, teasing her fingers along the waistband of his pajama pants. “I think you’ll really like this one.”

“I think so, too,” he said, smiling down at her. Mac started to sit up, but she pushed him back against the pillows as she slipped his pants down and positioned herself to hover over his hips. “Ah, it’s cold…”

Alex pulled the blanket up to her head and leaned into him, warming his cock with her kisses and hot breath. A quiet moan let her know that he was obviously enjoying it, and she grew confident enough to move lower and flick the tip of her tongue against the head. Despite the chilly temperature, he sprung up almost instantly, curving into her mouth as she giggled. He was always so quick to get going, but at least he was getting used to dragging their time out into a slow, sensual dance that she absolutely loved.

The tip of his cock slid over her warm, wet tongue as she arched her back and gripped his hardening shaft in both hands. His fingers twisted in her hair and he murmured something incoherent under his breath as her head bobbed and her hands curled and twisted around him. She probably wasn’t as fast as she could have been, and she definitely wasn’t able to take too much of his length into her mouth, though she was no longer quite so clumsy with the movements of her tongue as it playfully swirled around his tip. He smirked as her eyes snapped up to meet his, and she dared to dip lower and run her tongue up the underside of his shaft. The groan he gave made her smile as she lowered her gaze and kissed the tip.

“Who the hell taught you all that?” he sighed, rolling his head against the pillow. “Piper?”

She laughed in the back of her throat as she sucked him a little harder, then flicked her tongue again. “Why d’you think it was Piper? There are books out there, you know.”

“Where is this… book that you speak of?” Mac watched curiously as she straightened up and pushed her own pajama pants, and then her panties, out of the way. His eyes grew wide as she dipped her fingers between her thighs and came away with a bit of glistening wetness.

“Dresser, bottom drawer,” she breathed. Then she flipped her long curls over one shoulder and scooted closer. “I thought we could try something new, if you want. Eat me out while I keep up the blowjob. I’ll be on top.”

His jaw dropped as he thought about it for a moment. “You’re gonna sit on my face? Hell yeah…”

A couple pillows were shoved under his hips, propping him up just enough for her to position herself on top of him. With her cunt pressed against his lips, Alex leaned across his body and brought the tip of his wet cock into her mouth again. She moaned around him as his tongue slipped between her folds and sparked thousands of tiny explosions along her nerves, bringing blood rushing to her hips. His hands squeezed her hips as he alternated almost perfectly between gentle sucking and lapping, never venturing into anything that would cause her pain. He was good at remembering exactly what she enjoyed, like gentle rubbing against her hips and lower back. When his fingertips traced lightly against her lower belly, she suddenly cried out and felt her whole body begin to tremble with pleasure.

While one hand pressed into the bed and held her up, she moved her other hand to rub along his thigh, then over his hip and up to his stomach. A muffled moan came from behind her as she traced her fingers along his dark hair, swirling a fingertip around his belly button as she kissed away another drop of precum. There was only so much more teasing and sucking she could do before he came, so she relaxed a little and enjoyed his tongue lapping at her throbbing pussy. A little flick against her clit made her thighs tense up and jerk away, but his hold on her was tight as he kissed her and swiftly returned to gentle movements of his tongue. She pressed her lips to his tip again, accepting his silent apology.

Soon, Mac patted her thigh and gave a shaking gasp as she lifted her hips to let him catch his breath. Alex smiled as he licked her up from around his lips with a moan, his eyes rolling upwards. She turned herself around and straddled his hips, then leaned in to nibble at his neck. A tiny, red mark bloomed above his collarbone as he growled and squeezed her ass.

“Don’t give me one of those! I should be giving them to you,” he whined, breathing heavily as he scowled at her.

“No one’s going to see it, you goof.” She bit her lip when he rolled his hips up, his cock rubbing hard against her dripping cunt. “Slow down, we’ll get there in a second.”

He groaned impatiently as she lowered herself and pressed a kiss to his lips, tasting what lingered of herself on his tongue. Sweet, almost like fruit. No wonder he enjoyed eating her out so much. She hummed as she moved to nip at his ear, their flushed cheeks rubbing together.

“Alex… please, I can’t wait…”

Their foreheads touched as she stared into his eyes, and he moaned again in the back of his throat. Well, she would have loved to keep going, but maybe she could drag this out just a little longer. Her fingertips dipped between her folds before she drew them up along the underside of his cock, making him shudder, and she eased him inside of her with a few light bounces. Once she found a good, even rhythm, Alex arched her back to show off her delicate, curvy body, much to his delight, and he gripped her thighs as he bucked into her. A tiny spasm inside her hips made his eyes roll back and she let out a breathless giggle.

A hand pressed firmly against his hip to steady her as she carefully alternated her rhythm, responding quickly to his huffs and the way his hands moved across her body. Her free hand brushed against the hair of his chest, then trailed down to the soft curve of his lower belly as fiery sparks filled her head with immeasurable pleasure. She tossed her head back as he grasped her hips tight, her name just barely passing his lips before he hastily thrust his cock into her again.

It was rare that she actually looked at him in bed and didn’t just close her eyes or stare at something else, but the panting, flushed look of sheer desperation on his face made _her_ desperate to give him what he so badly wanted. Really, she almost felt bad that she had made him wait so long, teasing him for ten or twenty minutes too long. Mac cried out as she picked up her pace to make it up to him and he bit his lip hard as a shaky moan slipped out. The color in his cheeks darkened for a second, and then his fingers raked against her ass as familiar heat spread through her hips.

Alex lowered her body onto his and brought their lips together, cupping his cheeks in her hands as she hummed into his mouth. His fingers still traced along her sides and down her hips, and she nibbled his lower lip when he squeezed her thighs.

“You seemed more comfortable this time,” he murmured, shaking the blanket out to cover them up again. It was incredibly soft on her skin and she smiled as she nestled against him, nodding her head. “Good. I’m glad it’s getting easier for you.”

“Well, thank you for being patient with me,” she said. It had taken months for her to ease up around him and she finally felt like she was getting some of her old life back, life before Nate. A sigh puffed against his neck as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Of course, babe.”

“You want me to bring breakfast up first, or would you rather go downstairs and open presents?”

Mac considered it for a moment, though she had thought it was going to be an easy decision for him. “Hm, I really want to know what you got me, but I’m starving, too. Let’s do breakfast first,” he answered, nodding.

The two of them huddled up close as they scurried off to take a warm shower together, but the pattering of their footsteps on the landing woke Dogmeat, who came upstairs to see what was going on. Alex giggled as he whined and tried to push his way into the bathroom, clearly wanting to join in. She just locked the door before hopping into the shower, shivering weakly next to Mac until steam billowed up from behind the curtain. Then, once they were nice and clean again, they got dressed in thick, warm pajamas and headed downstairs for a good breakfast of eggs, sausage, and leftover cookies.

All the lights on the tree blinked happily as Mac flopped down on the couch, chuckling softly as Dogmeat tried to join in where the cats were curled up in a big, furry ball on the floor. Alex hummed to herself as she picked up the plate of sugar cookies and took them with her to the couch. She held a blue, star-shaped cookie in front of his lips when he turned back to her, and he hummed as he took a bite.

“Do you want me to get the presents out?” he asked, tipping his head towards the tree. A couple packages wrapped in scraps of old fabric were piled beneath it.

“Yeah, please. My back’s hurting now.” She nodded, picking up another cookie of her own.

“Aw, sorry… Did you take your meds yet?” Mac was already going to get the presents as he gave her a little frown.

“Mhmm, I did. Just waiting for them to start working,” she mumbled, smiling as he set their presents on the couch and divided them up. It was obvious which ones belonged to who, on account of their wildly different present-wrapping skills. She pointed to neatly wrapped rectangle as he sat down on the couch again. “Open this one first.”

The green wrapping fell to the floor almost as quickly as his jaw did, and Alex wasn’t sure how much bigger his eyes were physically capable of getting as he stared at the picture frame in his hands. A massive smile lit her face as she watched him take in the cover of a very special edition of Grognak, with him posing right beside his favorite hero. Then he threw his arms around her and hugged her as tightly as he could, nearly crushing her if he wasn’t careful.

“You drew this? I mean, I knew you could draw, of course, but this… It looks _exactly_ like a real comic!” he exclaimed, beaming at her.

She patted his knee as he went back to staring at it, as if it would disappear into thin air at any moment. “Yes, and I’m glad you like it,” she said with a giggle.

“Open yours now. The pink one, save the other one for last.”

He gingerly placed the frame onto the coffee table as she pulled a present into her lap. It was loosely wrapped in pink polka dots and duct tape, as opposed to ribbons, and she had to bite back another laugh. Well, at least he had tried. Under the fabric was a bobby pin box that had recently been painted gold and he popped it open in her hands to reveal a delicate, golden necklace. A single, shining ruby in the shape of a giant heart dangled from the bottom as he held it up, and Alex instantly clapped a hand over her mouth as the tears began to well.

“Back when we passed through that old Fallon’s awhile back, you pointed this necklace out on one of the posters. Remember? Said you’d always wanted one, but you’d never told anybody,” Mac whispered, gently clasping it around her neck. “There were none left, not even in the backrooms. Soon as I saw this one, I bought it. Almost had to fight the next guy for it, too.”

“You remembered that from February? We weren’t even dating then!” She brushed some of her tears away, glancing down at the gorgeous stone that was nearly as wide as her thumbprint. It was definitely something she had wanted for as long as she could remember, but she never dared to tell Nate. When she’d seen the poster in the jewelry store and came up empty-handed, she’d thought it was a lost cause.

He shrugged, tucking a bit of hair behind her ear. “Told you I’d loved you for a while, didn’t I?”

“Gosh, you’re gonna make me start crying! Open your next one,” she cried, placing a long box into his lap. Inside, he thumbed through the dozens of holotapes and pulled out two to look at their fronts. She giggled at his confused expression. “They’re music albums. And there’s a holotape player in there, too.”

“No way!” His grin came right back as he dug the player out of the bottom of the box and popped in a tape. Notes best heard from a jukebox and enjoyed alongside a vanilla milkshake floated out of the pair of headphones she’d found to go along with the whole thing, and his eyes sparkled as he listened to a song he’d probably never heard before. “This is awesome! Where’d you find all these?”

“I’ve been picking them up here and there,” she said with a shrug.

The holotape player clicked as he stopped the tape and set it down beside the picture frame. Then he picked up the last gift, another small box wrapped in painted newspaper. Mac bit his lip as he held it in his fingers for a moment and sheepishly held it out for her. She carefully took it from him and watched out of the corner of her eye as he clasped his hands tight. A gasp caught in his throat as she tore the wrapping away, and she glanced up to make sure everything was okay. It wasn’t all that common for him to act so shy, and after the necklace, she couldn’t imagine what he could be giving her that would make him nervous.

“Open it,” he mumbled, nodding once. His eyes didn’t look away from her hands as she moved the lid to the side and pulled out a tiny scroll of paper. Tears flooded her eyes as she unrolled the handwritten note and read the words once, twice, three times.

_Will you marry me?_

“Oh…” Beneath the scroll was a coil of snow white lace, and her fingers shook as she pulled the long, sweeping veil from the box. “Oh my god… You- you really want to marry me?” she whispered, her voice trembling.

Mac nodded and reached up with a handkerchief to dry her tears before they fell on the veil. “I know I’m not even close to being perfect, and you deserve someone far better than me, but I really do love you, Alex. I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you, if you’ll let me. If not… I understand…”

She cupped his face in her hands as he lowered his gaze, turning it up to her as fresh tears poured down her cheeks. “Why would you think that I _wouldn’t_ want to be with you? Of course, I want to marry you!”

That was all he needed to hear before he wrapped his arms around her again and buried his face in her neck, crying a few happy tears as she held him close and thought about the two of them. If she went back a little more than a year, to that night in Goodneighbor where she’d gone against most of her better judgement and hired him for almost all the caps in her pocket, and told her-freshly-unfrozen-self that this man was going to end up becoming her husband, well… It honestly might have scared her into keeping her money. Getting married and being happy hadn’t been on her mind in years, not even counting the two centuries she sat frozen, and it still hadn’t crossed her mind until the very second she read his note. It just hadn’t entirely occurred to her that she could move on and make a _new_ life, that she didn’t have to continue changing the meanings of her old one to fit her new reality. And that was scary to think about, but she was infinitely grateful to have him, RJ MacCready, to help her along, and not anyone else.

 

Companionship – _his_ companionship – was truly the best gift she could ever have received, and never even knew to ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking this out with me all the way to now! This is one of the first fics I've ever posted online and I never thought I'd get even half as many kudos and comments. I'm glad that you have enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it, and I hope that you'll stick around for the rest of the series. I promise that the rest is not nearly as sad as this one has been! Again, thank you for reading! It means so much to me that you're here!


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